Essence Magazine

1 08 2008

Last night I went with Shabooty to some random ass concert at Bohemian Caverns in DC*. There were a lot of odd things about this event: the first two singers with voices like long-tailed cats in a room full of rocking chair, Shabooty reminding me of his bizarre attraction to extremely skinny women, girls running around with red flashing LEDs all over their bodies confusing my drunken eyes, and some random dude that kept calling me ‘Earl’.

There was one thing about it, however, that was absolutely fantastic: it was full of black women, and nearly every single one of them was wearing her hair naturally.

Figure 1: This is decidedly un-natural, but you get the idea

There’s nothing better than an oasis of fine ass (literally and figuratively) black women happily embracing their blackness. I was unfortunately pulled right back down into the wonderful world of tacit negroid self-hate when I woke up this morning looking through the Essence Magazine website for King James’ “Do Wrong Man” article and instead stumbled across another article: Sexy Summer Hair.

I could have easily predicted that, of the 26 styles shown in the photo gallery, most of them would feature straight hair. I was floored, however, when I discovered that the article featured NOT ONE natural hairstyle. NOT ONE, DUDE! NOT A SINGLE MOTHERFUCKING ONE!

For a very long time, I assumed that Essence Magazine was a hybrid style/celebrity mag geared at least somewhat toward celebrating blackness. After reading through the hair and several other articles, however, I quickly came to the realization that the purpose of Essence Magazine is to subliminally lull black women into vacuous celebrity worship while abandoning all the trappings of their actual blackness with the exception of their skin color and, of course, Essence Magazine itself.

Warning: The rest of this post is based on no facts in particular.

Essence Magazine was started in 1984 when Bob Johnson skeeted on the back of a white woman. The skeet dripped off her back and onto a copy of Black Enterprise magazine - which 24 hours later had magically, but not surprisingly, turned into Essence Magazine.

Figure 2: Whore.

The magazine then came to life, went back in time, killed Martin Luther King Jr., and started the Watts Riots. It then jumped back into the present, and somehow managed to recruit turncoat negroes to write additional issues of the rag, most of which were dedicated to convincing black women that they were ugly if they didn’t adopt Euro-American hairstyles . Somehow, this continued for several decades until 2008, when Essence decided that it wasn’t making Black people look quite retarded enough.

In order to better explore uncharted territory of self-hate, Essence created what many experts** consider to be the ugliest and most visually confusing website in the history AND future of the World Wide Web. Lebron James saw the website one day, and completely lost his fucking mind.

Figure 3: Lebron attempting to spite Essence, but in actuality supporting it

Essence Magazine is currently lobbying to overturn Roe v. Wade, Brown v. The Board of Education, Lincoln v. Douglass, and Marvel v. Capcom.

Fuck Essence Magazine. That is all.

* This was after getting nicely toasted at Asia Nine. Shabooty, while usually a notorious moocher, definitely came through last night. His boy hooked us up at Asia Nine with a white russian, blue motorcycle, six shots of extremely expensive sake, four incredible hulks, and two red snappers…and refused to let us pay for any of it. We drank all this in under 20 minutes. By the time we stumbled into Bohemian Caverns, I was convinced that I was Batman.

** Me


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Thoughts for Thursday: N-13

31 07 2008

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Aside: Stupid Comments

30 07 2008

I received the following comment in the ‘Why You Shouldn’t Read This Blog’ page today:

Although I think your blog is pretty funny and I do look into it almost every day, you should take it easy on ranting about people of other ethnic backgrounds -such as Europeans and Asians. You don’t know enough about foreign countries to do that and your rants are less sarcastic as you wish, they are sometimes just ignorant and insulting. And “Why you shouldn’t read that blog” is not an excuse.

Before you write something, think how you would feel if you read something similar about black people. For example, exchange the word “persian” in your persian threat with “african-american” and reread it. Would you still laugh about it, it is ok. Would you feel offended yourself, then you should not write it. Pretty logical.

Having said this, I like most of your others posts and the humor.

Any regular readers of my blog know that I get stupid comments all the time from people of all walks of life. For some reason, however, this one struck me as particularly ludicrous, and I feel compelled to rip it apart piece-by-piece.

Although I think your blog is pretty funny and I do look into it almost every day, you should take it easy on ranting about people of other ethnic backgrounds -such as Europeans and Asians.

Why the hell do so many people assume that I give a flying fuck about what they think I should or shouldn’t be writing? Seriously, dude…why? Despite the fact that this blog became popular completely by accident, I am well aware of three things: 1.) this blog didn’t become popular by me tip-toeing around people with bleeding hearts and sensitive backsides, 2.) this blog didn’t become popular by me listening to the insanely arbitrary opinions of people carrying on about what I should or shouldn’t write, and 3.) I do not care how popular this blog is or isn’t (if I did, I wouldn’t have alienated 80% of my reader base with the ‘Black Women’ aside.)

Please please PLEASE shut the hell up about what I should or shouldn’t we writing about.


You don’t know enough about foreign countries to do that and your rants are less sarcastic as you wish, they are sometimes just ignorant and insulting.

The first clause of this sentence is perhaps the most infuriatingly hypocritical thing I’ve read in months. The author claims on one hand that I shouldn’t attack cultures I [supposedly] don’t know anything about, while at the same time attacking me as if she somehow knows enough about me to be qualified to argue what I do and do not know about other countries.

I suppose that since she’s read the title pages for the blog, she figures she’s a certified ‘knower’ of who the fuck I am. If the bar for knowing someone is set that low, then I am more than qualified to talk shit ad infinitum about - using her example - Asians and Persians.

Most of my best friends are Asian, as is one of my ex-girlfriends whose parents are native-born Chinese. I learned enough Mandarin to speak almost conversationally with her mother who barely spoke a lick of English. I can also greet people and swear in both Vietnamese and Korean. I was the Vice President of the asian club in high school.

As for Persians, they’ve been marrying into my family for years. I have a near and dear Persian cousin in law named Arrash whom my Persian article describes in vivid detail. At any of my family’s gatherings, you will find between 6 - 20 Persians struggling to choose between lamb kabobs, pork ribs, and deer steaks.

If she can know anything about me from my blog, then I’m qualified to write a fucking dissertation on Asians and Persians.

As for whether or not my posts are sarcastic…it’s not my problem if everyone doesn’t get my sense of humor. I am not running for President, and I don’t give a a flying motherfucking fuck if my sarcasm gives certain people, or even most people, indigestion. Don’t like it? LEAVE. Don’t get it? LEAVE. If you think I’m seriously racist or ignorant, then I’ve got news for you - there are bigger fish for you to fry. I get the feeling that if these motherfuckers were actually interested in changing the attitudes of real racists, they’d roll their soap box on over to the KKK website and ‘kick some knowledge’ there. But they don’t, because they’re far less interested in enacting social change than they are in hearing themselves talk and beating off to their own pseudo-intellectualism.


And “Why you shouldn’t read that blog” is not an excuse.

I love how she tacked this on at the end almost as an afterthought. She’s right though - it’s not an excuse, because an excuse is something you use to justify something wrong or inappropriate. I need not justify my blog, because there is nothing at all wrong about it. ‘Why you shouldn’t read this blog’ is intended to dissuade the ranks of the humorless from reading my blog. It’s one of the few written pieces on my site that ISN’T a joke. The point of it isn’t to coyly entice people to read more of my site - the point is to say “get the fuck off my site if you can’t laugh at yourself,” and I am completely serious about that.

If you read this warning, then read my posts and get offended anyway, you are a fucking idiot. You cannot follow simple instructions. You probably have burn scars on your hands from when your mom told you not to touch a hot stove and you did it anyway. It’s not my fault that you refuse to listen.


Before you write something, think how you would feel if you read something similar about black people. For example, exchange the word “persian” in your persian threat with “african-american” and reread it. Would you still laugh about it, it is ok. Would you feel offended yourself, then you should not write it. Pretty logical.

Now this jerkoff has the nerve to talk about me like I’m a fucking five year old. She has the nerve to talk ‘logic’ with a trained engineer. She also has the nerve to act like Black people have no idea what it’s like to be ridiculed. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, LADY?!?!?!?! How would I feel if I read something offensive about Black people? Is there anything about this site that implies that I DON’T watch the news everyday?

Let’s answer your question directly, though: If I went to a site run by a white guy with close black friends that featured an 800-word essay explaining that the site was a joke, and consisted of ferociously over-the-top posts bashing just about every ethnic group on the planet including mine and his…I would laugh my fucking ass off.

I guess you wouldn’t. Here’s some logic: Sucks to be you.


Having said this, I like most of your others posts and the humor.

Yea? Fuck yourself.


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Thoughts for Tuesday: N-14

29 07 2008

He has the nerve to speak before the NAACP after opposing MLK’s birthday as a national holiday.

This this happens.


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Vegans

28 07 2008

It would seem that vegan organizations have recently come into an awful lot of money. Everywhere I go, I am noticing vegan ads - almost all of which feature images of dirty chickens for some damn reason - all over public transportation billboards from D.C. to Chicago.

The most recent of these fucking ads had a picture of a hen sitting in a cage with its wing over a semi-adorable chick, with a caption that read “This is what a wing is for.”

The obvious incorrectness of the caption sent me into a rage. Clearly, chicken wings are meant for one purpose and one purpose only (the point is further expounded by this song):

Figure 1: THIS is what wings are for.

I was dicking around on the internet and came across this definition of veganism:

“[T]he word “veganism” denotes a philosophy and way of living which seeks to exclude — as far as is possible and practical — all forms of exploitation of, and cruelty to, animals for food, clothing or any other purpose; and by extension, promotes the development and use of animal-free alternatives for the benefit of humans, animals and the environment. In dietary terms it denotes the practice of dispensing with all products derived wholly or partly from animals.”

Veganism - and its refusal to use the animals our Creator(s) put here for the purpose toward which they were created - is an affront to God, Allah, Jehovah, Buddha, Krishna, and Chuck Norris. There is evidence all around us that animals are indeed for eating:

1. All animals eat other animals. Even deer eat bugs and shit when they’re chowing down on grass and berries and whatever the fuck else they eat. A deer will also rape you and, if successful, eat you*.

2. All the animals that matter eat meat. Animals that matter include sharks, big cats, tyrannosaurs, killer whales, birds of prey, wolves, and bears. Nobody would watch the Discovery channel if it included programs about herbivorous animals that weren’t being eaten or about to be eaten by carnivores, and there’s a damn good reason for it.

3. Animals are delicious. If we weren’t supposed to eat them, then God would have made them taste like vagina. He also wouldn’t have invented hot sauce.

To not eat meat is to say that you’re better than all God’s creatures, humans don’t matter, and God doesn’t know how to satisfy the human palette. Basically, you’re saying you know more than the Almighty - and you know damn well he isn’t gonna stand for that shit. Stalin and any given vegan stand about an equal chance of going straight to hell.

I had a conversation with a vegan a couple of years ago. This person cited the fact that animals are ‘creatures of value’ and therefore have a set of basic rights. Though she was correct in this position, her position does not preclude me from eating animals for the following reason:

Figure 2: Animal entitlement (click to enlarge)

As proven in the work above, animals are only entitled to liberty. It doesn’t say anything about my ability to kill them, eat them, make furniture and clothing out of them, and enjoy stuff like this. It may rightfully preclude people from eating animals that are caged and confined, but I don’t have that problem. Almost all of the meat in my diet consists of field-hunted deer and free-roaming beef, so I’m not violating any principles of liberty when I go home tonight and cook my venison French rack.

Vegans will be used for fuel on SBPH Airlines.

*Probably


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Subtle Racism IV: Statistics

25 07 2008

My Google Chat messages tend to be relatively extreme. One of the more recent ones stated:

“THE WHITE MAN BROUGHT THE SEX POX!”

Figure 1: Spices, Slaves, Syphillis

Personally, I was just kidding around. I really have no idea what race (assuming it’s any one race) is responsible for the Sex Pox (’Sex Pox’ is my term non-terminal sexually transmitted diseases). Upon seeing this, however, the same asian girl that was responsible for this blog starting in the first place* once again comes rushing to the defense of white people - offering this in response:

“Actually, studies show that it’s black people in Baltimore that have the majority of STDs.”

Figure 2: Asians - charging to the defense of whitey since 1878

This response is irksome for more reasons than I can count, but I’ll list the top reasons. These reasons are rooted in the argumentative flaws used by non-blacks and self-hating blacks alike when citing statistics to prove that there is something ‘wrong’ with black people:

  1. Use of a self-serving example by citing STD rates in Baltimore, which has twice as many black people as whites (65% vs. 32%). This is like saying that more Japanese people have STDs than white people in Tokyo. No shit.
  2. Failure to cite other statistics/trends that explain the discrepancy. For example, poor Blacks are far more likely to get treatment for STDs by visiting free clinics that report data on client groups to stat takers. Whites, who are more affluent and more likely to be insured, are also more likely to be treated by private clinicians and never have their data bubbled up to the census. Even if the infection rates between blacks and whites were 50/50, the reporting of infections would be (and is) heavily weighted towards blacks

Everyday, the entire country is inundated with dismal statistics about black people. These statistics are almost always presented in isolation of other statistics that FACTUALLY DEMONSTRATE why those statistics are skewed - and since no explanation is given for the skewed negative stats, people do what they’ve been conditioned to do for hundred of years: assume black people are fucking inferior. Here are some of my favorite pairs of ‘facts’ used to show the depravity of niggerdom, and the countering argument that is always left out:

————————–

Fact of Niggerdom: Blacks comprise the overwhelming majority of arrests/incarcerations for drug use
Fact Ignored: It has been demonstrated in study after study that the majority of drug users are white
Fact Ignored: Police departments around the country ADMIT TO THIS DAY the frequent and even institutional use of racial profiling in drug-related arrests

————————–

Fact of Niggerdom: The overwhelming majority of people in prison are black
Fact Ignored: Blacks are, by orders of magnitude, more likely to be sent to prison for non-violent offenses than whites
Fact Ignored: Many offenses committed by whites go unpunished by police, especially in small towns and suburbia - almost all of which are overwhelmingly white and have police officers living in the community. Police are far less likely to make an arrest on someone they know than they are on a total stranger
Fact Ignored: In black-dominated high-population cities, police tend not to live in the communities they patrol, nor do they walk foot beats and get to know people in those communities. They make more arrests in communities filled with blacks

————————–

Fact of Niggerdom: Black children are, my orders of magnitude, more likely to drop out of school than white children
Fact Ignored: Studies show that, when exhibiting the same behaviors, black children are far more likely to be placed in special education, suspended, or expelled than white children
Fact Ignored: Self-esteem issues are considered among the top root causes of drop-outs…with unfairly targeted suspensions, expulsions, and trips on the short bus doing nothing to help the trend

————————–

I don’t have the time, patience, or cardiovascular health to get into the rest, but you get the fucking picture. I don’t use these ‘mitigating’ statistics to give black criminals an excuse. Whatever color you are, if you’re snorting coke or selling crack, you belong in pound-me-in-the-ass prison.

Figure 3: This is the most insanely hilarious thing I have ever seen

My only problem is when facts of niggerdom are spilled recklessly all over the airwaves by white media to be consumed without qualification by legions of idiots who then email/IM me telling me how the latest study ‘proves’ that I should hate myself and my race.

The next person to quote negative black statistics to me is getting punched in the back of the head. If you’re convinced that my black ass is prone to violence, I might as well not disappoint you.

*Many people have asked, in response to this girl constantly coming to the defense of whitey, why I am still friends with her - to which I reply that she is no more misinformed than anyone else in the country. If I can’t be friends with her, then I can’t be friends with anybody.


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Thoughts for Thursday

24 07 2008

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/07/22/single.black.women/index.html

Discuss. That is all.

-Chris


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The ‘Hater’ Defense

23 07 2008

Black people love to argue with and bash one another. Most of the time it’s done in jest, even if the arguments we make against one another are completely sound. I’ve spent a lot of time on this site bashing various groups of people and individuals, including but certainly not limited to:

  • Black People
  • Persians
  • Beyonce
  • Creoles
  • Ethiopians
  • Pro Athletes
  • Greek Org Members

Naturally, each of these tongue-in-cheek polemics were taken seriously by some idiot (or, more often, legions of idiots) who would then leave indignant comments for all our amusement, and insanely lengthy emails for me to roll my eyes at and delete.

What’s interesting, though, is how quickly the logic of my arguments was dismissed by these jumping jackasses who, instead of debating me, simply refer to me as a ‘hater’. Their ‘argument’ is always that I am somehow jealous of the people I rail against - while they conveniently ignore the fact that, in other posts, I throw rhetorical poop at groups that I myself belong to.

For instance: my tirade against black women was attributed to my so-called lack of charm to snag them. The Persian post was the result of me wishing I was rich and could pull the girls they do. Several people said I can’t stand Beyonce because she gets to take, and I quote, “million dollar vacations”. I’m apparently angry at Creoles and Ethiopians because they’re to pretty for me and I can’t have them, I hate pro-athletes because they have more money than I ever will, and I’m mad at frat/soror members because I didn’t get a bid.

Of course, I can understand why these arguments are so frequently made. Anybody that’s been alive for more than 21 years knows that most people are idiots, and by extension, most people do idiotic things. Stupid is as stupid does. Among the favorite activities of the idiotic is arguing with people, which is admittedly something both idiots and non-idiots enjoy. What makes idiots unique (but by no means rare) is the fact that they’re utterly incapable of responding to a person’s arguments with logical and irrefutable counterpoints*. Instead, they follow this process:

Figure 1: Dummies for Dummies (click to enlarge)

Accusing people of jealously is a kneejerk reaction akin to immediately accusing people of racism when they criticize Black people. It’s the type of reaction that causes idiots, for example, to dismiss my entire argument against fraternities/sororities because I (jokingly) referred to stepping as ’stomp dancing’. This is precisely the type of reaction that we need to do away with. Our tendency to make emotion-filled but logically empty arguments is one of the reasons so many people don’t take black people seriously**. Most people don’t make sound arguments like Michael Dyson’s argument against Bill Cosby. They instead yell “RACIST!” and when asked why, they just yell “RACIST!” even louder.

I am issuing a call to all black people right here and now: if you disagree with someone, DO NOT OPEN YOUR FUCKING MOUTH UNTIL YOU CAN ARGUE WITH THEM USING REASON AND LOGIC. Otherwise, you are making us all look bad. Furthermore, if you know someone prone to doing this - INTERCEPT THEM BEFORE THEY DO IT. They are fucking up the black community from the inside out, and the shit has to stop.

Somehow, I should find a way to incorporate the silencing of morons into the…project.

*This only occurs in the case where they’re attacking someone else’s arguments. If they’re defending their own arguments, they do so by examining the attacking argument for spelling errors and, if they find one, they tell you that you are wrong. That’s why there are hundreds of comments on this blog consisting of a single word or even a single character written solely to correct the spelling or grammar of a person’s own previous comment: those commentors are aware that idiots are everywhere, and apparently a lot of them read (and write) this blog.

**Emotional reactions are not unique to Black people, but we happen to be a group that can’t afford to make them. Spare me any angry emails, please.


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Thoughts for Tuesday: Taking My Birthday Off

22 07 2008

But feel free to enjoy: www.realultimatepower.net


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Pictionary

21 07 2008

Pictionary is the dumbest fucking game on the face of the planet. To prepare to host a game, you take the following steps:

  1. Be white
  2. Call up your douchiest, most stereotypically sweater-around-the-neck white friends and invite them over
  3. Procure refreshments. Depending on the type of white person you are, you can opt for wine and cheese or booze and chips
  4. Set up the board, easel, and whatever other shit you’ll need
  5. Apologize to God for being born

Once all your friends arrive, you can start playing. One asshole stands up and starts drawing a picture on the board, while the rest of the assholes yell, point, jump up and down, and throw poop in an attempt to figure out what concept the ‘artist’ is trying to illustrate. This is why I always laugh when racist white people call black people monkeys - clearly they’ve never seen a bunch of 25 - 35 year old yuppies of their own race playing Pictionary.

Figure 1: Case in point

Ordinarily I don’t give a shit about what white people like to do in their spare time. Unfortunately, every now and again a black person (like me, for example) will be forced to play this insufferable goddamn game. This usually happens during ‘ice-breaker’ events at work, conferences, and other places where a.) the game is sprung on you by surprise and b.) there’s no way to escape.

When you put together a game of interracial Pictionary in an environment that demands political correctness, you are asking for trouble. This is because you’re mixing white people who like Pictionary (and have inherently dry personalities) and black people (who have more…colorful…personalities). Trash talking, inappropriate jokes, etc. are key components of black competitive behavior, and it’s very difficult for us to turn off. Bad things happen when one or more of those black people can’t (or won’t) turn off their ‘color’, such as the incident that occurred when I played Pictionary at work once.

I forget what concept the woman was trying to draw, but being under time pressure and having people yelling and screaming at her, she wound up hastily and incorrectly drawing a stick figure that looked like this:

Figure 2: …..

It look less than 1/10th of a second for me to see the completed stick figure and scream: BLACK DUDE!

The stunned silence, followed immediately by loud-but-somewhat-nervous laughter, was the most intensely awkward moment of my professional career. I was ever after known as the craziest man in the office (even though there was already plenty of other evidence supporting that title).

Fuck Pictionary.


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