Stuff Black People Hate

Black people have had to eat a lot of stigmatized shit over the years. We’re falsely characterized by the population at large as being innately dumber, more criminal, more promiscuous, and more self-destructive than virtually any other race on Earth. But in spite of that all, black people have for decades been able to say the following without batting an eye: “Yea? Well at least we don’t do crazy shit.”

Jeffrey Dahmer, Ted Kaczynski, Timothy McVeigh, Charles Manson, the Columbine kids, Jim Jones…all of them were white. Whenever some white person came along talking shit about black people, we could always point at those examples and say black people would never do that shit.

Unfortunately, our collective forcefield against “crazy” seems to be eroding bit by bit, and it started with OJ.

To stab someone is a crime of extreme passion and craziness and, outside of prison shankings, black people tend not to do it. We prefer to shoot people, probably because you don’t have to hear the icky squeezed-ground-beef sound that I can only assume you’d hear when you do the deed. Stabbings are also very difficult to perform in drive-by format, unless of course you’re this guy:

Figure 1: Reminds me of my father, when he’s in a good mood

OJ changed all that when he decided to get all stabby with his goldilocks wife and Ron Goldman, whoever the fuck he was. Before the Juice, black people could easily claim that being a ’slasher’ was strictly the domain of white people, hispanics, and the Japanese - and that black people rarely ever took part in the decidedly sick act of plunging, with your own two hands, a sharp implement into the flesh and organs of another human being with the intent of killing them. Not so after OJ.

OK, so one black guy went Edward Niggahands on a couple of white people. It was an isolated incident, and at least it was, as Chris Rock put it, an ‘understandable’ (albeit horrible) crime of passion. But at least we don’t go around killing huge numbers of people at random for no apparent reason, right?

Figure 2: Wrong.

Thanks to this jerkoff, we black people can no longer dismiss the Psychopathic Serial Killer moniker. Every black person reading this post remembers when this asshole terrorized DC for a couple weeks a few years ago, and every black person reading this post knows damn well that he/she just KNEW the killer was white. When the perpetrators turned out to be not just one but TWO black dudes, part of the whole entire black community died while, at the same time, part of the whole white community lifted up its voice in unison to say “HA! YALL, TOO!”

And there you had it. In a few short years, black people entered the once-caucasoid realm of high profile slashers and serial killers. But still, we knew that black people would at least never…ever…EVER subscribe to crazy religious cults right?

Figure 3: WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG FUCK!!!!!

For those who don’t know, Isaac Hayes is a believer in Scientology - the cartoonishly named demi-cult (involving aliens among other ridiculoutiae) developed by fiction writer and resident psychopath L. Ron Hubbard that, for whatever reason, has pulled countless celebrities into its fold and turned Tom Cruise into (more of) a raving lunatic:

Figure 4: Tom Cruise is, to this day, the only person to ever successfully scare the living shit out of Oprah Winfrey

What’s interesting about Isaac Hayes is how the news of him being a Scientologist came out. No one really knew about his ‘religion’ until his sudden and unexpected departure from South Park, which it turned out was done in protest to ‘religious insensitivity’ shown by the creators of the show when they mercilessly lampooned Scientology in the episode ‘Trapped in the Closet‘.

But even when people found out he was a Scientologist, no one really put him in the same category of crazy as Tom Cruise until they began to realize just how hypocritical his reasoning for leaving the show was:

“There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins.” -Isaac Hayes, in a statement released explaining his departure

I started shitting dynamite the instant I read this.

After spending years on a show that made unequivocal mockery of Jews, Muslims, Blacks, Asians, Native Americans, the mentally retarded, the physically disabled, Catholics, Mormons, poor people, homosexuals, and the homeless…Isaac fucking Hayes decides that mocking SCIENTOLOGY is unacceptable.

This blind and hypocritical loyalty to his pseudo-religion rocketed him from normalcy right into the stratospheric realm of crazy occupied by Tom Cruise and other celebrity Scientologists. We now knew that Isaac Hayes was a maniac, and that he had officially popped the negroid cherry of religious fanaticism. Next thing you know, allegations are flying that Will and Jada Pinkett Smith are Scientologists as well, and I wind up having to cry myself to sleep for the next six weeks.

Thanks Isaac, you bald cock.

Quite some time ago, Stuff Educated Black People Like offered a post on Conferences (this post has since been inexplicably removed from the site). I railed lightheartedly upon this post in my now-infamous Master’s Degrees post. I can’t believe that during that tirade I failed to mention the single most offensive part of attending a motherfucking conference:

Meeting a bunch of self-proclaimed executives.

Anyone that’s ever attended any networking event of any kind has been victimized by uncountably many idiots passing out business cards that list their title as:

1. CEO
2. President
3. Chairman
4. President and CEO
5. His Majesty and Liege Lord of All Surveyed By His Eyes

They will give themselves these titles even when they have no employees, no partners, no elected officers, no board, and (very commonly) no fucking revenue. This is what makes entrepreneurship such a giant pain in the ass - you’re bound to meet other entrepreneurs out of necessity, a good 90% of them will introduce themselves with one of the bullshit titles above, and for some reason the cops have the nerve to arrest YOU when you stab them in the eye with the free letter opener that came in your conference bag.

Figure 1: That black dude wants to kill everybody in the room

What’s amazing about this phenomenon is how ironic it is. People give themselves the CEO title in an effort to sound important, wealthy, and powerful, but at the same time they (should) know full well that anyone running around telling people they’re a CEO is the exact opposite of all of these. Real CEOs don’t make deals and connections at a fucking minority business conference, you fucking asshole. They make deals on the yacht of some rich guy named Sven who signs your $20 million contract while snorting coke out of a hookers navel.

These fake CEOs are the same ones that pull up to the club in their entry-level luxury car (BMW 3 series, Mecedes C class, Infiniti G35, Audi A4, etc.) while wearing their Banana Republic jeans-and-blazer combo in an attempt to delude themselves/others into thinking they’re wealthy…when in reality they’re just one missed paycheck away from losing their shirts and getting kicked out of their shared apartments by their greasy-haired roommates. Ironically, most chicks don’t see the reality for what it is and they actually fall for the bullshit of the fake CEO. This system of positive reinforcement is exactly why the fake CEO continues to exist and, by extension, is why my blood is always at a rolling boil.

Aside: CUFFS

As a reaction against the behavior of the Fake CEO*, I developed and currently live by a system called CUFFS - Condoning of Ubiquitous and Ferocious Financial Spite. CUFFS is a program designed exclusively for up and coming (or already-came-up) men, and serves a threefold purpose:

1. to demonstrate that indicators of wealth are often (and usually) misleading
2. to demonstrate that people who do not feel the need to exhibit displays of wealth may indeed be the wealthiest of all (it should be noted that certain white people, Jews, and Arabs have been doing this for decades)
3. to promote humility among the financially successful, or those on their way to financial success

Practically speaking, CUFFS involves controlling and minimizing superficial displays of wealth and class, such as cars, clothing, gadgets, speech, and other outward facing items - so people who actively subscribe to CUFFS are said to “be wearing CUFFS**.” The oath of the CUFFSman is as follows:

• I shall evermore shun symbols of wealth and class to the greatest extent possible, insofar as doing so does not interfere with building further wealth

The qualifying clause in the oath is important, because it permits CUFFSmen to a.) own smartphones (needed to check bidnass-related email on the go thereby building wealth), and b.) own well-appointed homes in good locations (making property more attractive to renters so the CUFFSman can accumulate multiple properties over time instead of always selling his personal residence as soon as he gets tired of it). It’s also important because it allows me to be a hypocrite and get away with it.

For those esteemed and highly principled folks looking to wear some CUFFS themselves, here are a four practical ways to get started:

1.) Start using public transportation. Hop your ass on the subway or bus and let somebody else do the driving while you spend your morning commute reading, working, or disciplining other people’s children.

Figure 2: There are at least 60 kids on this train in need of a beating

2.) Buy a shittier car. You don’t have to drive a Gremlin to wear cuffs - you just need to own a regular car that does not exude wealth. You can even buy a new car. Nearly any Honda or Toyota will suffice for those testing the waters of CUFFS. When you’re ready to dive a little deeper, pick up a used Saturn or Kia. When the bottom is in sight, grab something fucked up like an old deuce and a quarter with holes in the floor. When you finally reach the bottom of the abyss, sell your car(s) outright and start running everywhere.

Figure 3: This might be pushing it a little

3.) Sell your jewelry. Jewerly is for girls anyway, and it makes you look like a fucking asshole. With the exception of wedding rings and class rings, pile up all your precious stones/metals sell it on eBay, or stuff it in a heavy duty sock and go around town beating Fake CEOs bloody with it (Homey the Clown style) until the cops catch you. Then sell it on eBay.

Figure 4: This could, and probably should, be you

4.) Alter your dress. Don’t throw away your suits, because you’ll need them to make more money. But make sure you wear those suits as infrequently as possible. Don’t dress like a hobo; you just want to look good without wearing anything that says “I PAID $60 FOR THIS T-SHIRT!” The master CUFFSman will buy from high-end places infamous for having their pompous logo shamelessly emblazoned all over their garments (Armani is a great example), but will ONLY buy those few items that carry no indication of the designer at all. All the expense with none of the reward, and for no apparent reason. That is spite, and that is the true essence of CUFFS.

Figure 5: Again, don’t get fucking carried away

* This is also a reaction against in-your-face intellectuals and people in general who display an utter lack of humility

** ‘Wearing Cuffs’ also works on a metaphorical level for men, because subscribing to this philosophy will significantly restrain your ability to attract women, and will cost you more pussy than you could possibly even begin to imagine.

I was running near the south side of the White House yesterday when I was nearly run over by some fat fucking woman on a Segway. For those who don’t know what a Segway is, it’s a transportation device used by healthy people to mock the handicapped.

Figure 1: You have legs. USE EM!

Any person without a physical disability caught on one of these goddamn things should be arrested and punished by having his legs amputated, or at least be classified as legally retarded (as should anyone who feels the need to wear a helmet while traveling at walking speed).

For those who haven’t encountered them personally, there are two types of Segway douches:

1.) The Owner

This is the rare assfuck who shells out upwards of $5,000 for the privilege of pretending his legs don’t work. You’ll see a surprisingly large number of these motherfuckers careening around the streets of DC, barely or not at all avoiding running people over as they make their way from their Capitol Hill row house to whatever government building they’re going to sit in for eight hours avoiding real work and filling with acidic suck the lives of millions of Americans. The most infuriating part about the Segway owner is the fact that my tax dollars are subsidizing his laziness in a vicious conspiratorial circle of financial waste:

Figure 2: How the government uses your money

2.) The Tourist

Here’s how the typical American fatass winds up in my city on a Segway and ruins my day in ten easy steps:

1. Asshole from Iowa finishes making love to his sister
2. Sister/Wife (Swife) suggests “Woooo WHEE! I THANKS WE SHUUUD TAKE UH VACATION!”
3. Husband and Swife pack up their four inbred children and hop in their 20 year old station wagon
4. Along the way, they pick up standard white man tourist gear: neon ball cap with wide brim, extra large sunglasses, fannie pack, khaki shorts, high rise socks, and “rugged” leather hiking sandals
5. The Clampetts arrive in DC, avoiding the SE quadrant of the city at all costs and arriving at the Mayflower Hotel
6. The Clampetts are fat from decades of eating mayonnaise sandwiches, and are afraid their feet may explode if they walk too far. They sign up for a Segway tour.
7. Ethiopian cab driver takes advantage of arcane zoning system to charge $12 dollars to take the Clampetts the 1/2 mile to downtown DC to join the tour
8. The Clampetts plop down $100 per person to join 40 other lazy idiots just like themselves and roll down the sidewalk with them in unison like a platoon of overweight cyborgs, relishing in the envious looks they receive from pied-à-terre fatties and the looks of disgust from non-fatties who aren’t too lazy to walk
9. The eldest daughter, Susie Clampett, is losing control of her Segway near the Old Executive Office Building because she is a.) a gastropod, and b.) an inbred retard. She yells to her father “Uncle Daddy! What’s wrong with this thang?!?!” as it turns violently to the right, makes a U turn, and nearly causes her to run over a nearby mulatto runner.
10. Mulatto runner now has to increase pace significantly to stay ahead of the mobile death squad, because they are following his route. 2 miles later his body quits on him; vomits in front of confused/horrified children and their parents.

Oh well. At least I can take some comfort in this:

When it was launched in December 2001 the annual sales target was 40,000 units, and the company expected to sell 50,000 to 100,000 units in the first 13 months. Segway Inc’s investors were optimistic. Inventor Dean Kamen predicted that the Segway “will be to the car what the car was to the horse and buggy” and John Doerr, a venture capitalist who invested in the company, predicted that Segway Inc would be the fastest company to reach $1 billion in sales. In fact only about 30,000 Segways were sold from 2001 to 2007.

Critics point to Segway Inc’s silence over its financial performance as an indication that the company is still not profitable, as about $100 million was spent developing the Segway.

-from Wikipedia

Figure 3: Think about it…

I received the following email today:

“Hi Chris,

I would first like to say that I absolutely love your blog! It is funny, real, honest, intellectual and quite the refreshing read after a long day’s work.

Having said that, I do have a suggestion for you. I think your blog should continue as “stuff black people hate” instead of your personal dating site. I do not know about the other women who read your blog, but I am completely aware that the FAQ’s ‘are you single/available’ and ‘do you date women who aren’t black’ are ploys to get you a hot black woman in the dc area. I am not mad at your attempt to find companionship; however, I do think it takes away from the blog.

I’m really not trying to bust your balls; I just thought you should know!

Thank you for the tireless energy that you focus towards the blog and please keep up the great work!!”

Given the not-at-all-veiled backhandedness of this email, I spent about ten minutes trying to figure out if Hillary Clinton wrote it. After all, Mrs. Clinton has a tendency to believe that coating an ‘eat-shit’ fish sammich with honey somehow makes it go down easier, which is true…but only with stupid fucking people from rural Ohio and Pennsylvania.

Figure 1: Thanks for ruining this delicious sandwich for me, asshole

After awhile I realized that Hillary Clinton probably doesn’t care very much about me, so I took the email for what it was: the electronic musings of someone who read the Cliff’s Notes for a Dale Carnegie book and got it all the fuck wrong. Since this reader failed to win me over as a friend or influence me to tear down my FAQ section or whatever the hell she wanted me to do*, and since she’s probably not the only person with these sentiments, and since I’m bored for once, I’ll simply rip apart each sentence of her second paragraph as I sit here on the toilet with the door open so I can hear Family Guy in the next room:

1.) Having said that, I do have a suggestion for you.

I don’t care. Seriously. If I listened to the suggestions of every person with half an opinion that emailed me, the following would have happened by now:

• I would have stopped writing this blog because “Beyonce might see it and find it seriously offensive” [from an email in mid-March]
• I would have written dozens of posts about mayonnaise [countless emails and comments]
• I would be at the head of a movement to convince black people to move back to Africa [oddly enough, this idea was posed to me by both a black supremacist and a white supremacist ON THE SAME DAY]

No fucking thanks. I will continue to take suggestions only from the thoughts that pop into my head when I encounter someone (like you) or something (like your email) is so saturated with unfounded horseshit that I’m forced into the bathroom to get it out of my system.

2.) I think your blog should continue as “stuff black people hate” instead of your personal dating site.

This might be a valid comment if I had ever, in the 3 or so months this site has been up, so much as indirectly attempted in any way to date anyone that’s contacted me about this site. Since that isn’t the case, I suppose that renders you guilty of 1st degree aggravated falsely-presumptive jackassery. I think you get the chair for that in Texas.

3.) I do not know about the other women who read your blog, but I am completely aware that the FAQ’s ‘are you single/available’ and ‘do you date women who aren’t black’ are ploys to get you a hot black woman in the dc area.

Wow Negrodamus, you see ALL! I shouldn’t be angry at you though, because woman-law mandates that you draw outlandish conclusions from a man’s simple statements of fact. My FAQ section was written for practical purposes: to answer frequently asked questions. To address the two FAQs you mentioned specifically, the idea was to reduce the number of emails I got asking me if I was single [209 of these] and if I dated non-black women [59 of these]. After I posted the FAQ, these emails slowed significantly. Smart people call it ‘Problem Solving’.

As for a so-called ‘ploy’ to attract hot black women…no. I am decently paid, well educated, cultured, kind of a jerk, and I can even be witty from time to time - so I have neither the time nor the need to devise scams to attract the opposite sex. I do just fine being myself, thank you.

4.) I am not mad at your attempt to find companionship; however, I do think it takes away from the blog.

I am not mad at you for emailing me with your inane suggestions based on incorrect assumptions; however, I do think it’s taking away from the satisfaction of the dump I’m taking right…[strain]…now.

*Unless her goal was to get me to write about her email; in which case, I can’t win em all dammit.

Sunday mornings in Spring are my favorite time of year, assuming I’m not hung over from the night before. On these mornings, I wake up before dawn and go running around the monuments on the Mall as part of my training regimen for the dance season.

Figure 1: Ah, the serenity of it all

There’s nothing more relaxing than my 9 mile Sunday morning run. The smell of dew and flowers in the air, birds chirping, squirrels and chipmunks everywhere, mature trees, the illuminated marble beauty of the monuments, the red sunrise…the terrified shriek of the inattentive white woman I just spooked.

This is the third motherfucking goddamn time this shit has happened to me, and for some reason it’s always involved a white woman being somewhere she shouldn’t be at a time she shouldn’t be there engaged in some activity that just screams “EASY FUCKING TARGET!” I’ll be running, usually in the dark just before dawn or just after dusk, and some white chick will be walking alone in a secluded and extremely dark area where she is talking VERY loudly on her cellphone and paying attention to absolutely dick.

Figure 2: A danger to herself and everyone else

Next thing you know, I’m within six feet of this fucking idiot, she finally hears my footsteps, turns around to see a large black man running up behind her, SCREAMS!!!!, throws all her shit up in the air, and sends me sprinting away from the area before some cop assumes I’m a rapist and I wind up getting shot in the back like that dude in Glory.

One such incident occurred while I was in college and I was running in the dimly lit corridor that connects a parking lot with one of the residence halls. It happened again when I was running in Rockville some damn where. And finally, it happened yesterday - and this one was by far the worst.

During the previous two incidents, I a.) was jogging and b.) saw the dumbass chick before the shit happened. This time, however, I was in a full sprint down the length of the Reflecting Pool (which is lined with mature shade trees and is, therefore, VERY dark) and I didn’t see or hear the woman. I’m about halfway down the pool when I suddenly hear “AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

I think I’m under attack by a whino or a homeless dude, so I respond to this reflexively by shrieking out a war whoop, drawing the small dagger I keep strapped around my forearm during my nighttime runs, and charging in her direction (thanks Dad). When I finally make out who she is, she is frozen in fear…but with the cellphone still stuck up against her empty head.

I stop, stare at her in disbelief, sheathe the dagger, grunt angrily, and jog off.

Figure 3: Police composite sketch of me fleeing the scene

I will never understand why white women (and asian and black women, to a lesser extent) feel they have both the need and the right to walk around alone in the dark while chatting away on their cellphones. The three spooky negro incidents I’ve mentioned above renders the argument that women are master multitaskers completely fucking false - when a woman is on her phone, she completely loses all peripheral focus even if she’s in danger and has ample warning*.

I can hear the counterarguments already: “BUT CHRIS! WE’RE ON THE PHONE SO THAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO US, SOMEONE WILL KNOW!”

1.) You shouldn’t be in that situation in the first place. There is no reason to be walking around at night in unlit areas by yourself in a major fucking city**

2.) Your friend on the other end of the line can’t help you. If that friend didn’t immediately say “GET THE FUCK OFF THE PHONE SO YOU CAN PAY ATTENTION” and hang up, then your friend is as dumb as you are. As she hears your cries for help while you’re being mugged in an alley somewhere, she’ll run around her dorm for ten minutes hysterically yelling “OMIGOD DOES ANYBODY KNOW THE NUMBER TO 911?!?!?!”

Ladies, especially you white ladies, put down the phone and pick up your ears and your pepper spray. Better yet, stop walking around in the dark at night by yourself for no fucking reason. Stop going to frat parties and accepting drinks handed to you by a guy that’s hiding a bottle of pills behind his toga. Stop needlessly putting yourselves in dangerous situations and acting surprised when bad shit happens to you. And most importantly…

STOP RUINING MY SUNDAY MORNING RUN.

*The Reflecting Pool is about 200 yards shy of being 1/2 mile long. The woman was spooked right at mid-length, meaning she had 1/4 mile of my hard breathing and heavy stomping to hear me…if she hadn’t been on the fucking phone.

**I know I’m guilty of this too - after all, I was also running around by the Reflecting Pool in the dark. I am also not a frail, inattentive, and easily spooked white woman. I am 6′3″ tall, I weigh 190lbs, I am already running, and I am armed with knives. I’m not the type of person anyone wants to rape or mug. I can run anywhere I want.

Three things happened yesterday that made me quite upset:

1. I dropped several thousand hackle feathers all the fuck over the floor in my condo
2. Walking into the elevator with my headdress and eagle feathers, some stupid chick asked me “OMIGOD ARE YOU A REAL INDIAN?!?!?!”
3. I watched Looney Tunes for five fucking hours

Watching Looney Tunes for so damn long reminded me of a cartoon I saw as a child, where Bugs Bunny somehow wound up in what was called “Deepest Darkest Africa” and spent the episode making an ass out of an African native that was drawn to look like an eggplant with feet and a spear. What disturbs me about this memory is that this racist fucking cartoon was aired as late as the early 90’s.

Anyone on this board over the age of 21 or so probably has racist Looney Tunes episodes seared deeply into their memories - which makes the following statement by Wikipedia about the ‘Censored Eleven‘ complete and utter bullshit:

“The ban [on showing the censored 11] has been upheld by UA and the successive owners of the Looney Tunes catalog to this day, and these shorts have not been officially broadcast on television since the late 1960s.”

I specifically remember watching the episode ‘All This and Rabbit Stew‘ several times on cable (I believe the station was TNT) in the early 90’s, and ‘Jungle Jitters’ is probably the episode featuring Deepest Darkest Africa and the eggplant man.

Figure 1: I’ve seen this cartoon before, and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t alive in 1968

What the hell can I say - people were racist as shit back in the day, and the intended audience for Looney Tunes was, as Friz Freeling partially admitted, intended for racist fucking white people. No small wonder that the Warner Brothers, all four of whom were apparently Jewish, still bought the Looney Tunes series despite innumerable negative references to Jews.

For those who want to get mad by experiencing the racism in visual form, enjoy this.

Racism aside, I enjoyed Looney Tunes because it was undeniably fucking hilarious. This is why I was emotionally devastated when I came upon the following:

Figure 2: There is no God

Apparently in 2005, someone took the friendly characters from Looney Tunes (Bugs, Daffy, Wyle E. Coyote, Taz, and the Roadrunner) and injected them with Agent Orange or some shit. Now these clever characters have been reborn as ‘The Loonatics’, who in the image above are depicted as soulless and unnecessarily badass spreaders of the X-treme marketing virus hell bent on leaping out of my computer screen and punching me in the testicles.

Let’s take a look at each of these characters in turn:

1.) Ace Bunny - (pictured at the center) Ace Bunny appears to be the craziest out of the entire group, which is impressive considering that not one character even has pupils. Ace’s tightly clenched fists, inexplicably sharp teeth, scimitar-shaped ears, and what appears to be a twitching right eye symptomatic of severe stress, seem to indicate that the sole purpose of Ace Bunny is to rape your dog and murder your family.

2.) Danger Duck - (bottom left) is actually the most normal-looking of the bunch, in spite of the fact that his soulless eyes are given a red hue to indicate that he’s been to Hell at least once. Danger’s predecessor, Daffy Duck, was fairly lanky, out of shape, and had hands that resembled feathers - but the new Danger duck appears, at least in this image, to be rather broad shouldered and have fists cast of solid bronze. I’ve never seen the cartoon, but I’m pretty sure that at some point Danger has uttered the phrase “feathers are for cunts.”

3.) Tech E. Coyote - (far left) was always green with envy at the Roadrunner in the original cartoon, and for the Loonatics series has been rendered literally so. Recognizing the fact that our children are indeed dumber than ever and have no idea what the word ‘wily’ means (or the ability to associate ‘wile’ as a pun on ‘wild’), the creators apparently made Wyle E. Coyote take a fucking MCSE exam and become Tech E. Coyote - the cheesiness of which is borderline criminal, but nonethless simple enough for our stupid ass uncultured electronically-obsessed fatass children to comprehend.

4.) Slam Tasmanian - (top) has a fist bigger than his fucking head even if you adjust for perspective, (we can only assume he uses that fist to beat unwilling women into submission), and 95% of his face is composed of innumerable gigantic teeth because apparently his character was modeled after Terrell Owens. The enormous size of Slam is not done justice by the above picture, so I’ve included another:

Figure 3: Seriously, dude. There is NO God.

Slam clearly weighs at least a metric ton and is suffering from an X-TREME case of ‘Roid Rage. One can’t help but notice that his transformation from ‘Tazmanian Devil’ in Looney Tunes to ‘Slam Tazmania’ in Loonatics is not at all unlike Barry Bonds’ transformation from man to Silverback Gorilla between 1986 and today, and is therefore a horrible example for our children.

5.) Rev Runner - (far right) is so fucking goddamn X-TREME that he’s the only bird I’ve ever seen with teeth. TEETH ON A BIRD, DUDE. I am willing to bet my life that right now somewhere in the country, some middle schooler is flunking a science test because he sees this question…

• True or False: Birds have teeth

…and then thinks to himself: “AH! REV RUNNER HAS TEETH! TRUE!”

Fail. That child will spend the rest of his life asking people if they’d like to try a combo.

6.) Lexi Bunny - (bottom right) I’m not too sure why they didn’t just cut the bullshit and call her ‘Sexy Bunny’ or ‘Flexibunny’ or ‘Slutty Bunny Cum Bucket’. Is there any coincidence that Lexi is positioned below Ace’s left nut? Anyhow, the creators of the show clearly wanted to introduce sexual tension to the show while a.) maintaining plausible deniability of said introduction, and b.) at the same time assuaging the oh so annoying Girl-Power lobby. To this end, Lexi has been given scythe-like dagger hands that suggest awesome fighting prowess and excruciatingly painful sex all at the same time.

Figure 4: Come back, guys. Please?

Greetings all,

I’m taking the day off from work/blogging to make some repairs to my dance regalia, and see a doctor to figure out what the hell’s wrong with my left hip flexor.

Figure 1: These have caused permanent nerve damage in my shoulder

For readers old and new, feel free to enjoy/loathe these classic entries till the next post comes tomorrow:

• Non-Black Hip Hop Scholars
• Stupid Fashion Trends
• Titanic
• Spelling and Grammatical Errors
• Clubbing
• Sex & the City
• Grocery Shopping
• Planet of the Apes
• Traffic

Everytime we say goodbye, I cry a little…

-Chris

Figure 1: Ethiopia

It’s no secret to those who know me that I fucking love Ethiopian women. I would happily run over my best friends with a choo-choo train just to get a good look at an attractive Ethiopian woman. Kinda ironic that I’m about to rake them over the coals…

Fuck it.

I’ve been somewhat embittered against Ethiopians, the women in particular, ever since a particular Ethiopian bartender did the following:

• Kept smiling at and eyefucking me for a good five minutes
• Sent another bartender to tell me I should talk to her (I was drunk and didn’t recognize the flirtation)
• Proceeded to chat me up for 30 fucking minutes; laughing, smiling, punching me in the arm
• Told me, after all this time, that she would not give me her number because “you’re too much of a pretty boy, you’re a player.”

As an entrepreneur, nothing enrages me more than when strangers waste my time - especially my free time. This heifer from the east cost me 30 minutes of company with my good friends the Admiral Furious, Chicken Jon, Shabooty, and other colorful characters. I became even more enraged about three weeks later when I returned to the bar and found her hugged up on a white dude who, for lack of a better description, looked like the upper half of my dick. I don’t claim to be a great looking guy, but I’ll be damned if I don’t know ugly when I see it…and this motherfucker was, on his best day, a billy goat.

Figure 2: Ethiopian girl and her white boyfriend…or at least how I remember them

Ethiopians freak black Americans (BAs) out more than any other type of continental African (CA). Like BAs and CAs, Ethiopians came from Africa at some point, but that’s where the similarities end. They are an enigmatic people - seen in public far more frequently than CAs, but left bizarrely out of social reach. While BAs and CAs are often seen in the company of one another, it is a rare thing to see Ethiopians in mixed company. In fact, it is rare to see an Ethiopian outside of a parking garage or a taxi cab - two industries upon which they retain an eternal east African kung fu grip that, amazingly, has never EVER been broken - not even by the Mob.

If you get up the nerve to speak to a group of Ethiopians, they silently select a ring leader. The ring leader will talk to you in a weird but hot accent while the rest of them pretend to have no idea what the fuck is going on. Every few sentences, the ring leader will turn around and say something to the rest of the pack in Ethiopian as if she is translating. What she is really saying is “I’ll bet his family owns only three taxi cabs, yes?” This explains why the Ethiopians always laugh/giggle at all these ‘translations’, even when the last thing you said to the ring leader was “Yea, the cancer’s terminal.”

Their mysterious nature coupled with their odd financial prowess has led some BAs* to refer to Ethiopians as the Jews of Niggerdom.

Physically, Ethiopians tend to have a bizarre olive/caramel complexion, sunken eyes, wavy hair, massive foreheads (like mine) and, for whatever sick reason in my mind, they bear a vague semblance to ancient Egyptian mummies. Each has a look as if he/she is the product of two people, one from the Ivory Coast and one from Italy, who slammed into each other while running at full speed and formed a single person. It didn’t work out so well for the men, but most of the women are absolutely fucking goddamn drop dead gorgeous.

Figure 3: Beyonce could look like this, but instead she decided to be a sellout cock-whore

Maybe I’m bitter. So fucking what. You’d be bitter too if you had to put up with this shit:

Figure 3: I hope Dan Snyder’s sons are born with chocolate cocks on a hot day

* Me

I arrived at work today unusually pissed off. I spent about 20 minutes on the Metro trying to work on a Flash website while some idiot 3 seats behind me was listening to stupid fucking Lil’ Wayne so loud I could actually feel myself getting dumber.

Upon escaping the train, I hop on the goddamn bus. Some fat fuck forklifts herself onto the bus too, nearly flipping the goddamn thing over. The next part of this story I am not exaggerating in the least: the INSTANT the bus pulls off, this gravitron yanks the stop-request cord. The bus comes to a halt at the next stop less than 200 yards from her point of entry, and she lumbers off the bus as the vehicle’s suspension heaves a sigh of relief. As the bus pulls off, I watch in utter disbelief as she appears to be walking into a convenience store. This chick is so fat she actually defies the laws of optics and appears to get BIGGER as I get farther away from her. I turn to see the expressions on the faces of everyone else. I see a combination of rage and amusement.

Figure 1: Fat chick asking the driver to stop the bus

Fat people piss me off because of a.) the sheer number of them in this country and b.) how little they do to keep from getting fat. Fat people clog up the doors on buses and subways. Fat people sit in restaurants for hours at a time, forcing other people to wait forever to get a seat. Fat people sweat all over EVERYTHING! The sweat makes them smell absolutely atrocious. Fat people jack up the cost of health care like it’s their fucking job. It takes 100 acres of cotton to make just ONE T-SHIRT for a 350lb man. They breathe too hard. They eat too much. They refuse to walk anywhere. They get elected to congress. It’s fucking disgusting, and it has to be stopped.

I went completely fucking apeshit on Europe a few posts back, but there’s one thing they definitely have (at least in Spain and Portugal) that I’d be willing to go back for over and over again: a nearly total absence of fat people.

Figure 2: Goddammit

In Spain, you had to fucking walk EVERYWHERE, lest you wind up blowing half your salary on gasoline (which is INSANELY EXPENSIVE in Europe), cab rides, or expensive public transit. You have to WALK to work. You have to WALK to wherever you get lunch, and then WALK back to work. Then you WALK back home for the ’siesta’ or whatever the fuck it is over there. Then you WALK back to work again. Then you WALK from work to the market to get your food. Then you WALK the fuck home and cook your food. Then you WALK to wherever the hell it is you hang out with your buddies in your fruity horizontally-striped shirt, superskinny jeans and faux-hawk hairdo to talk in your fruity Euro-speak about how much you hate America despite the fact that your economy rides the waves we produce, and how cool it is that you feign a 150 fucking Euro club cover charge to anyone that even remotely resembles an American.

Figure 3: Average European male. Note the lack of fatness.

But no matter how much Europeans suck, they have this over us: they walk more, eat less, and do less sitting around, leading to a blissful absence of fatassitude. No fat people stinking up the elevators. No fat people taking up an extra 60 seconds on your bus commute. No fat people sweating on your home inspection checklist (can you tell this happened to me? CAN YA?). No fat people eating philly cheesesteaks with a DIET FUCKING GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING COKE BECAUSE THEY’RE “WATCHING THEIR CALORIES!!!” Drop the soda and pick of a big ol’ can of lipolysis, you ginormous fucking gastropod!

Figure 4: You can have a Fanta, or the Fantanas. You cannot have both. Choose wisely, you fat bastard.

Raise gas prices, goddammit. $9 a gallon for all I give a shit. Make these fat motherfuckers walk, or at least roll end over end wherever the fuck it is they have to go. Too fat to walk? MELT ‘EM. FUCKING MELT THEM! Melt them before the very eyes of the living fatties that they might behold the awful price of diet soda and a sedentary lifestyle. Melt them down, mix their remains with ethanol, and let everyone see me drive off in the first fatty/ethanol hybrid monster truck, which I will happily use to bulldoze every fast food restaurant in the country*

Figure 5: Stay Puft Fleshmallow Boy

*Except Popeyes. But you have to take a BMI test before being allowed in. Fail the BMI test, and you will be melted.

Predictably, I received quite a bit of hate mail/comments from (surprise) white people regarding my white supremacy post. I received 51 emails and comments in all, and what’s interesting is that each of them have following claim in common:

Black people are naturally predisposed to violent and criminal behavior

Each time I read this correspondence, I laugh until my belly is sore. There are plenty of reasons to hate black people*, just like there are plenty of reasons to hate white people, hispanics, native americans, arabs, jews, asians, and Martians…but of all the reasons to hate us, the above is the least justifiable - especially for white people. Here’s why:

White supremacists absolutely love to quote statistics such as:

• blacks kill seven times more than whites
• blacks kill whites more than 20 times more than whites kill blacks
• blacks rape white women 2000 times more than whites rape blacks
• blacks commit 50 percent of American homicides while making up only 12% of the population

The list goes on.

This is because white supremacists, for the sake of convenience, like to start the history of violence in America at the latter half of the civil rights movement which is when black crime in this country began to balloon. This is akin to ignoring the Oklahoma City bombings so you can call the government ‘cruel’ for killing Timothy McVeigh.

Since these white folks are arguing about the INNATE quality of violence, that allows me to respond by examining the behavior of white people throughout the course of human history. This list is, of course, VERY abbreviated:

1.) The Macedonian Empire comes to prominence by slaughtering untold thousands of people from Egypt to India during Alexander the Great’s worldwide killing spree.

Figure 1: X-TREME CONQUEST!!!!!!

His ‘military genius’ is celebrated by white people to this day, and used as a model for…

2.) The Roman Empire, which comes to prominence as the Italians consolidate their own power by murdering other white people for a little while, then gradually extend their reach into modern day Egypt, Israel, Turkey, and other middle eastern and north African countries. For fun, the Romans make captives fight to the death in Gladiatorial games and feed Christians and criminals to wild animals.

Figure 2: I am quite entertained indeed, thank you.

Millions of people are killed in wars at a time when a few million people was a significant percentage of the world population. Modern day white people revere the Romans as an ‘ideal’ society.

3.) The Vikings went nuts in the 8th century and didn’t stop killing people until William the Conqueror successfully invaded England in 1066. The favorite pastime of the Vikings was, of course, to rob churches and, just for good measure, kill as many unarmed monks as possible in the process.

Figure 3: Wanted: Hug

4.) The Dark Ages were spent by the Europeans killing each other en masse in countless intra-European conflicts that would eventually leave the continent carved up into a billion different countries, most of whom speak completely different languages out of spite and hate each other to this day.

Figure 4: If I was this ugly and had a small dick, I’d be violent too.

Modern Europeans, having forgotten the wars/death that produced their patchwork continent, refer to this division as ‘culture.’ This would eventually culminate in Europeans turning their rage at each other into rage at the rest of the world during…

5.) The Age of Discovery, or as everyone else puts it, The Day the World Died. White people, particularly the British, French, Spanish, Portuguese, and Dutch, sailed all over the world spreading diseases (first unintentionally, then intentionally) that decimated populations wherever they went - especially in the western hemisphere.

Figure 5: Thanks, douche

All estimates for the numbers of people killed by the spread of disease by white people are in the tens of millions. And speaking of tens million of millions…

6.) The African Slave Trade involved the kidnapping of some 12 million Africans at the hands of white people taking advantage of pre-existing rivalries between African tribes.

Figure 6: Challenge - find the difference between this and Norwegian Cruise Lines

Since only about 10 million of these Africans survived, white people can feel free to bear the responsibility for the 2 million that were murdered along the way. White people used these slaves to pave the way for…

7.) The conquest of America, during which millions of Native Americans were killed by peace loving white people through a combination of conventional and biological warfare. If you want to see how violent white Americans are, all you have to do is hop on an airplane. Once the plane is in the air, look down at the expanse of Earth below you, and try to comprehend that every square inch of it was stolen from Indians at gunpoint.

Figure 7: YOINK!

8.) World Wars I and II. White people really went nuts in the 20th century when they began to find more and more efficient ways to kill themselves/others.

Figure 8: I’m sure this can be blamed on black people

The invention of the machine guns, tanks, dumb bombs, mustard gas, and other little trinkets led to some 20,000,000 deaths in WWI and a whopping 70,000,000 deaths in WWII. This doesn’t even include the victims of…

9.) The Holocaust, which resulted in the deaths of 11,000,000 Jews, Catholics, Gypsies, retards, and anyone else that Hitler didn’t like.

Figure 9: Was never harmed by a negro

That’s right folks: 11,000,000 people systematically exterminated by ONE WHITE MAN. This almost renders irrelevant the casualties of…

10.) Hiroshima and Nagasaki, which are estimated around 280,000 dead by the end of 1945. White folks in America wanted the war over quickly, and a simple siege by sea would just take far too long - so what better way to end the war than by nuking a civilian population and rattling your atomic saber to scare the Soviets?

Figure 10: White Diplomacy

Of course, these are just my favorite ten. We won’t even get into the Napoleonic wars, the French Revolution, Vietnam, Iraq I & II, Apartheid, and the countless murders of blacks at the hands of whites that went unpunished and unrecorded from the end of the slave trade until the end of the Civil Rights Movement (and, in some parts of the south, today). We won’t talk about what the British did to India during their prolonged occupation of that country, nor will we get into the conquest and genocide of central and south America.

Assuming black people really do commit 50% of the murders in the US (which would amount to 8,300 killings in 2005), it would take all the black killers in the country 34 years to catch up to the number of people killed at the order of one white man in the 1945 atomic bombings of Japan. It would take all the black killers in the country 241 years to catch up to the number of blacks killed by whites in the middle passage alone. It would take them 1,325 years to catch up to the number of people killed by white men in the holocaust.

White people have been killing everyone by the untold millions since the 4th century BC, but white supremacists have the nerve to call other people violent. If you look back into time, you’ll realize that no matter what color you are, you’re about a billion times more likely to suffer death-by-white-man than death by natural causes. Is there anything in the world more hilarious?

Decidedly no.

*Having a reason to do something doesn’t necessarily make it right