Stuff Black People Hate

Karma is a bitch.

Several years ago when I was in college, I was walking outside near the student union with a friend of mine (this is the same guy that leaves comments on my blog under the name ‘Tom Harkin’). Across the street and walking towards us was an extremely attractive and scantily clad woman and, in typical Tom Harkin fashion, he pretty much completely lost the ability to do anything but gawk at her menacingly.

Figure 1: Tom Harkin (black dude, fifth from left), lover/hater of all women, on Halloween

Predictably, Tom Harkin was so distracted by this girl that he walked right into a fucking lamp post. I saw the pole he was going to run into, but I didn’t say anything because I knew how fucking funny it would be. I’m a dick, and I’m not apologizing for it.

Nearly eight years later, Karma came back to bite me in the ass. As I walked into the Korean Tax-Evasion deli in the office this morning to grab a sammich, there was a GORGEOUS African girl standing near the entrance. And as I affixed my Tom Harkinesque gaze on her for far too long…I walked right the fuck into a stand of chips. The whole fucking thing fell over, made an enormous metallic crashing sound, and sent several dozen bags of Doritos, Sun Chips, Fritos, and Dirty BBQ potato chips all over the floor of the place. Mr. Kim, the owner of the store, is looking at me in utter disbelief as I say “this is clearly not my fault.” The hot African girl is covering her mouth oh-so-delicately trying to politely hold in her laughter. Other people in the deli are looking at me like I just whipped out my cock and stuck in in somebody’s cheese steak. This is not a good way to start the morning.

Attractive women all over the country are constantly causing problems through the flaunting of their swankiness. Everyday, men waste hundreds of dollars in drinks, walk into poles, fall down staircases, crash their cars, and become the subjects of national embarrassment as a result of staring at irresistibly attractive women and their assorted parts.

Figure 2: And you thought he wore shades to be cool…

To this end, I’m going to offer some tips for my fellow men to gawk at attractive women without injuring or embarrassing themselves*:

1.) Stop moving. Whether you’re walking, running, driving a car, or flying a helicopter…STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING. Stop walking, pull the car over, or land the fucking whirlybird, because if you don’t you are going to crash into a fucking wall and a.) look like an idiot, or b.) die. Once you’ve come to a complete stop, make sure you…

2.) Assess the target. The only thing worse than embarrassing yourself by gawking at a hot chick is embarrassing yourself by looking at an ugly chick that only looks hot from a certain angle. A woman is likely to look more attractive than she really is if she’s standing with her back to you, bending over, doing a split, or sliding down a pole. If you’ve got a bad angle, make sure you’ve got a good one before beginning your gawk. Once you know you have a gawk-worthy target…

3.) Set a time limit. You’ve only got 3 - 5 seconds of gawking time before the woman, or other people around you, figure out what you’re doing. You must determine if you want to gawk at the face, the boobs, the ass, the legs, or the hips**, and you’re probably not gonna get them all in one gawk. You need at least 1.5 seconds to appreciate any single part of the woman’s body, so conduct triage appropriately. Now you’re ready to gawk, but be sure you…

4.) Start at the bottom…and work your way up. If, for example, you want to gawk at her ass, boobs, and face, then you must start with the legs and end at the face. This protects you in the event your gawkage goes on for too long and she whips around and catches you; you’re more likely to be caught looking at her face. But remember, as you approach the top of the body, make sure you…

5.) Adjust your face. When men see hot chicks, our faces immediately get set to stupid. The ‘I see a hot chick’ face is instantly recognizable, so you must remove this countenance as early as possible in your gawk. God forbid you get caught looking like one of these idiots:

Figure 3: Watch yourself.

Good luck, gentlemen, and happy gawking.

*I’ve found myself compelled to write this article ever since I was on a date recently, the girl got up to go to the bathroom, and I was caught staring happily at her ass as she walked away by a woman at the table next to me. She gave me the stink eye. Fuck her. Ain’t my fault the girl got a booty, dammit.

**If you gawk at anything weird, like feet or elbows or ears or some shit, kill yourself, you fucking freak.

Some fucker in the bathroom today took a dump so unbelievably epic that if it had a soundtrack, it would’ve featured ‘O Fortuna‘ as the title track. After prolonged and audible straining, several prayers to Roman, Greek, and Sumerian deities to free the meadow muffins from his colon, enduring the resulting Gastrointestinal Symphony as rendered by the Butt Trumpet Philharmonic, and spending a good ten minutes wiping his ass…

THIS DUDE BOUNCED WITHOUT WASHING HIS HANDS!

It so happened that another black dude and I exited our stalls at about the same time, and the look on his face, which was clearly the result of what he’d just heard (the dump) and not heard (the cleansing sound of water), was that of a freshly raped prison inmate. At this point my memory was suddenly refreshed: black people HATE bad bathroom hygiene.

Figure 1: Fuck you.

Black people around the country cringe in anger when we see urine droplets all over the sides of the damn urinals and on the floor*, doo-doo skid marks all around the sides of the toilet, unflushed toilets**, strips of toilet paper all over the damn place, and the lingering scent of excrement in the air because people refuse to courtesy flush. Let two black people meet in a bathroom under these conditions, and knowing looks of disgust will be shared. They will also share a knowing look of relief, because they know that black people rarely leave a public bathroom in foul condition***.

This all, of course, addresses male behavior in the bathroom. But what about the women?

I’ve known women in general to be pretty clean when it comes to doing numbers 1 and 2, but they go through some kind of Kafkaesque hygenic metamorphasis when they decide to jump in the shower. It’s a two part puzzle - 1.) they somehow leave more hair on the floor, sink, and drains than the total amount of hair they’ve ever grown on their heads in their entire lives and 2.) despite the fact that they exit the bathroom covered in robes and towels, there is water EVERYWHRE and the towels are COMPLETELY DRY. This leaves men to wonder 1.) where the fuck is all this hair coming from, and 2.) what are the goddamn towels for?

Figure 2: Why?

I assume women wear the towels to distract us from the hairy swamp worlds they create in our bathrooms by providing easy access to their naughty bits. After all, I might be willing to overlook the fact that my bathroom looks like someone just went to work on a Yorkie with clippers and a fire hose if sex is within easy reach. As for the hair…I’m simply going to assume that women actually relieve themselves by growing hair out of their asses and shaving it off as they shower - because I really have no proof that any woman has ever taken a dump (in the traditional sense), and no other explanation seems plausible.

*How the FUCK does this happen?
**HOW HARD IS IT TO FLUSH A FUCKING TOILET?!?!?!?
***This is similar to the look of relief black people give each other when we hear on the news that a newly-alleged criminal isn’t black