Stupid Names
14 03 2008At a Kenneth Cole in Bethesda a few months back, I had the pleasure of meeting a very attractive young black woman working the sales floor. Very tall, very well-built, assertive yet soft-spoken, and ambitious enough to be pursuing an advanced degree without being a dick about it. I was damn near ready to marry this girl on the spot.
Then she told me her name. “La La.”
This was her actual fucking name. It wasn’t a nickname. It wasn’t her middle name. It wasn’t her name in Sanskrit. I’m sorry to say it, but the conversation pretty much ended there. Assuming things got serious, there’s no way I’m introducing to my mother a chick whose name doubles as a drug-induced slur. I’d rather be keelhauled.
Figure 1: Lala is a clam, not a name.
The incident got me thinking about all the ridiculous names of black people I’ve come across in my lifetime, and exactly why the fuck these childrens’ parents would do something so socially damning as to name their child something like ‘Sugar’ or ‘Heaven’ or ‘Knoshawn’.
Any parent who gives their child a ridiculous name is dooming that child to failure in more ways than they could possibly fathom. It will inhibit your life professionally, socially, romantically, and even physically*
* I have a cousin who, upon meeting people named after luxury cars (e.g. Mercedes, Lexus, etc.), takes a blood oath to ram them whilst driving their namesake automobile. He sincerely believes this will restore balance to the universe, and so do I.
In analyzing this cultural disease, it became apparent that stupid black names fall under four major categories (listed in decreasing order of popularity):
- Swahili Bastardizations
- Megalomaniacal Descriptors
- Luxury Latch-Ons
- The Unfathomably Ridiculous
I will address these in turn.
Swahili Bastardizations
During the waning years of the Civil Rights Movement, black people all over the country decided to rebel against the dominant society by rejecting typical white (slave) names and adopting names closer to our own roots. The natural choice was, then, to adopt African names - but it wasn’t quite that simple. African Americans have a natural distrust of actual Africans…so we wanted to give our children names that sounded like they were from the mother continent, but wouldn’t make people think our children were actually African. It all went downhill from here.
Swahili names (taken from eastern and central Africa and typically applied to girls) and Arabic names (taken from north Africa and typically applied to boys) became ferociously popular - but for some reason many parents felt the need to mutate the Swahili names. So while boys received unaltered Arabic names like Ahmad and Kareem, girls were nominally punched in the uterus with senseless names like Shanequa and Shaquan. Parents to this day insist on naming their girls this way, despite the knowledge that doing so dooms their child to being perceived thusly by the population at large.
Figure 2: Not one of them is named ‘Laquesha’
Megalomanical Descriptors
Again, girls were the ones who really took it up the ass when it suddenly became popular to name children shit like ‘Pleasure’, ‘Heaven’, and ‘Serenity’. I can only assume that the parents think they’ll be the only people who ever call the child by her first name - daddies all over the world call their little girls ‘Precious’ without a second thought. But this logic is horrendously flawed, and akin to a girl legally changing her name to ‘Baby’, ‘Sweetheart’, or ‘Boo’ because that’s how her boyfriend addresses her.
Note to all prospective parents: nothing makes people more uncomfortable than having to address a complete fucking stranger as ‘Precious’ - and yes, to 99.99999999999999% of the world, your kid will be a stranger with an insufferable fucking name. Call your child all the pet names you want, but please leave it off the goddamn birth certificate.
Figure 3: Less awkward than a kid named ‘Treasure’
Luxury Latch-Ons
For whatever reason, black parents all over the country decided that naming their children after expensive things would bode good fortune for them throughout their lives. Consequently, there are legions of unfortunate people (mostly girls, again) with names like Chanel, Mercedes, Chandelier, and even Prada (yes, I did meet a girl named Prada, and it was the worst day of my life.)
I have personally never met someone with an LL-O name that made more than $10 an hour - so all these parents are really doing is pigeon-holing their kids into careers that will always involve a name tag and the omnipresent threat of a grease fire. Take a look at the names of the richest people in North America, and you’ll quickly realize that simplicity is the key.
Kid Named ‘Lexus’ ∩ Success = ø
The Unfathomably Ridiculous
This is where the men finally get it…and as far as I’m concerned it makes up for the fact that girls bear the brunt of the first three categories. UR names span the gamut from gross misspellings of common names (e.g. Anfernee) to those that could only be the result of massive head trauma (e.g. Oranjello)
Interestingly, though, UR names seem to be the only ones that actually correlate with financial success in life. If you need proof, take a look at the roster for any team in the NBA and you’ll find at least half a dozen dudes with a UR name. So the names are stupid, but if it works….then hey….
Figure 4: Stupid name? Fuck it.
Aside: Asian People
Being friends with a lot of Asian people has taught me that Asians just LOVE to make fun of the names black people give to their children - which is about the worst case of the pot calling the kettle black that I could possibly imagine. Our names may be ridiculous, but your entire languages are fucked up. Give me enough milk and beans, and I can say any word in Vietnamese with my butt.
Figure 5: At least one of these people is named Long Truc Phuc
I will only add that I in fact do know a (first name):
“Nanyamka”,
and that she compliments me on my “Nantucket” shirt.
$
And THIS is why I named my daughters:
Morgan Elizabeth
Dorian
Khouri
Was LaLa really that fine? I work in Bethesda and might have to scoop her up for lunch. I think Lala is atleast a bit more tolerable than anything that ends in a “qua” OR “quisha”.
Looking at comment #3 makes me wonder where do the names that are basically regular names with a Ja, La, or De (like JaMarcus) fit in on this list?
Gots to weigh in real quick:
Don’t forget when:
-brothers have bastardized Greek names (Word? Darquavius?)
-Belizean girls having these weirdly fabulous and stuffy names (I knew a Shermandine once)
-naming your kids after the latest singer’s stage name (my ex named her son Omerion….yes)
My main thing, though, is this: if we’re gonna name our children and our world, let’s do so because of meaning, not because we think it’s pretty at the time. Basically the same type of thinking we should use when getting tattoos.
And we shouldn’t be short-sighted about the meaning either. Heaven is cool and respectable, but there was a porno star named Pleasure…don’t even have me go in on Peaches.
BTW, I’m loving the algebra references.
Don’t forget about the girls that are named ridiculous feminine versions of their dad’s names. I work with teens girls and I have met girls with names like (and this is no joke) Brieyoungna—->pronounced Brianna(dad’s name is Young) and Samunique(dad’s name is Sam).
My personal pet peeve is when people come up with bullshit and claim it’s a Swahili word that means “Peace” or some other bs. I speak Swahili..and please Me’Shell Ndegeochello ain’t a swahili word (and I don’t mean any disrespect, she’s a fine musician, just saddled with an unfortunate moniker, but she’s a great example of this phenomenon). East Africans everywhere encounter this and are too polite, but are inwardly rolling their eyes and saying mmm hmmm. My fav was a girl called “Farasi” which means Horse - but she was going around telling everyone it meant Blessing. Eish!
I grew up on the west side of Baltimore City, more specifically the Forest Park area, and I must admit that I’ve experienced my fair share of most ridiculous naming schemes in my lifetime. In fact, I must give thanks and praise to my parents for naming me something fairly common and utilizing the Bible to gain their inspiration. I do feel for those who were damned at birth when their parents named them Bonsheequa or Wednesday… yes I’ve known people named after both. I will also admit, I’ve met several white people by the name of Sunday… however never in my life have I ever met a girl named Wednesday other than the one that lived near Walbrook Junction. Bonsheequa… that name is shit plain terrible. I suppose her parents thought they knew French? Maybe they thought it was nice to make a French-Neo-Ghetto-Soul name? Not in my book… and considering that girl was a bitch on top of it, I’m almost certain she hated her life just because of her name.
Name Bastardization = Epic Fail.
Mercedes was a girls’ name before it was a luxury car (the car was named for one of the owner’s daughters) so I don’t think that name fits in the same category as Prada or Chanel.
Ok, this is the sixth goddamn comment/email I’ve gotten about this topic…
I was well aware before I wrote this post that Mercedes, Chanel, and Prada were actual names before they became attached to luxury goods. My beef with Luxury Latch On names lies in the motivation behind naming children with these names, not the names themselves.
The motivation for most idiots who name their daughters ‘Chanel’, ‘Prada’, and ‘Mercedes’ isn’t to honor the personality traits of Coco Chanel, Mario Prada, or Emil Jellinek’s 9 year old daughter. They give them these names because of the consumer brands they represent, which is fucking stupid.
Good God let this be the last I hear about it…
KJ~ I describe those names as having an “unnecessary prefix”.
My name is very old Anglo Saxon (white). If you can read English, you can pronounce it. However, as a black American female, I must say that other black Americans have the greatest struggle with my name. Ironically, it’s always Marveeta or Da’quairius that can’t say my name.
FTR: Keyshia is pronounced “kee-shee-ah” in English.
Worst.Names.Ever…
Utrinkle; Dijonnaise (girls). I’m not kidding.
I went to school with mostly noveau riche white kids, and I can assure you that the names I encountered were not any less ridiculous than LaLa or Shaquan. Some examples of names of white girls I went to school with:
Lakey
Petey
Buffy
Jennifa
Micole
Michelin
I think their parents were hoping for strippers.
Since the comments on this post seem to have degraded to making this running fucking joke (instead of a pontification on ridiculousness) I’d like to reiterate that other names deemed by other races are equal monstrosities as the topic at hand. To pull from the eloquent description that the original author here has stated, Asians and Indians name their children seemingly in reference to various bodily function noises during conception and birth. I find the irony of such belligerent individuals named Runjit or Bik joking and degrading Knoshawn for his name both hilarious and plain stupid. What the fuck is a Chi? How about we take this Indian name on for size (literally) RAMESH VENKATASUBRUMANIAN
My point is… yes we as black people have done some really stupid things when naming our children… but maybe its a sub culture? Maybe its not. But anyone who isn’t black poking fun at a black name, while their own is Felmaiboh Mohammed needs to simply shut the fuck up.
Oh and speaking of Mohammad (Mohamed or however you spell the shit)… considering the state of affairs in this country, I wouldn’t be surprised if Daekwon would get hired first.
We all know that asians get their name from throwing a pan down the stairs and listening to the sounds
ping pong pang motherfucka
naw j/p but niggas be trippen tho
I worked in child support enforcement and the names I encountered were ridiculous and Exhibit 1 in legislation to not allow crackheads to name their children without help. We had Beautifull (yes 2 lls) with a half sister SoFine. There was Dwaynesha; Na’ausha (father Nathaniel); interestingly Na’ausha was a twin with a brother Nathaniel, Jr, which blood tests revealed to not be in fact Nathaniel Jr, so the twins had different fathers — CLASSY.
My mother also works with ‘us’, specifically Katrina folks displaced to Houston. She came across a child named Blue Chip.
We.Need.Help.
No joke, I was just talking about someone who named their child Killer! WTH?
So my ex-step-cousin named his most recent child [with his most recent baby-mama] Dasani. Yes. Like the water.
My dad, having worked in community health, got to make a home visit one time, to a mother whose daughter’s name was Gonorrhea [pronounced Guh-NOR-ria]. So, really, I don’t think La La is that bad.
molecularshyness, are you from florida? my friend’s mother worked as a nurse in a public health clinic years back and helped deliver a baby girl who the mother named “gonorrhea” (coincidentally another woman tried to name her new baby “chlamydia”; the obstetrician on-call was able to dissuade her). same girl??
anywho, sometimes names that i thought may had been made up were not, particularly more obscure arabic names. but it doesn’t really matter whether they are legit or not, right? b/c to some random white dude reviewing job apps, there’s no distinction between a “kadeem” or a “ladamian”, or a “rashida” or a “shenaynay” –>he just reads “black”…next. that attitude MUST change. and to the author of this blog: you passed up an intelligent, beautiful, young black woman just b/c her name was “lala”? give me a damn break.
**and no, “timarasa” is just a handle (which does mean something) and not my actual name (which also means something)
There was someone in Baltimore who attempted to name their child Chlamydia and that mess made it on the radio… so a similar case in Florida comes as no surprise to me.
As a retort in reference to passing up on the girl named La La or Lala or whatever… I truly wonder if that was her real name in the first place. I’ve experienced plenty of women who lie about their name to me when I’ve tried to talk to them… and simply dismiss them once the smell of bullshit becomes overwhelming. On a second note… considering the girl was working at Kenneth Cole, yet was probably over the age of 25 or so… what would she truly have to offer an entrepreneur? Yes, it sounds wrong to say… but realistically, lets face the facts: if she took an interest in the author and attempted to build a relationship it might be fused by money (that is assuming the author has any… but he shops at Kenneth Cole so why not?) and second… if her full time job is working at Kenneth Cole while the author does whatever he does… what kind of relationship would that turn out to be?
I’m black, and have a very “regular” name. Some names of kids at the school that I teach: Kaswanna, Rommorzehia, Dantario, Myquan, Kiquan (pronounced Kee-won the qu is silent), Jacquis, Orlando, Miyoshi.
Black people have taken Miyoshi and they pronounce it Mee-yosh-a. I don’t know one Asian person named Miyoshi.
We also like to take traditional names and give them F’ed up spellings. For example, Tiffany becomes Tiphanie.
Jessica becomes Jesyka.
Jalen can be spelled Jaylen, Jalin, Jaelin, Jaylin, and Jaylinne.
Naming a person all comes down to the language. (This is just a ridiculous example of a “Chinese Name” that most Americnas will tell you exists) Ching Chong may sound funny to you in America, but atleast in Chinese it has a meaning that isn’t something stupid. Laquesha has no meaning in the english language and just doesn’t belong at all. I have a friend who has an arabic name but her last name is arabic as well so it does make a difference rather than someone with an arabic first names and an english last name, who will be pointed out immediately as black.
Kenneth should have not been so narrow and snotty,LaLa did not nameherself and to hate on her because of her name is not cool. He may have missed out on a lovely, intelligent, caring, kind sexy, loving person because his dumbass, can’t get past her name. I hope she turns out to be the most fabulous person ever and then he can slap himself for being narrow minded, and judgemental.
Now
got a girlfriend name Cindy (father is Sidney-they thought she would be a boy)
ex-husband, Anthony, twin brother Antonio (scrambled for a name, thought brother would be a girl)
the worst I heard was a girl in Atlanta who was watching the news during labor and delivery and named her girl “Ayatollah” because there was a news story on the Ayatollah Khomeni and she thought that name was pretty.
School child in Atlanta whose name is pronounced Shi-teed, spelled “shithead”
I have met a Deontrinese. FYI, as an attorney, I can tell you that legalname changes are pretty easy to do and inexpensive. In MD they run from $80-100.
bdsista, I have a regular ass name and when I would go to my granny’s house in the South as a kid (Montgomery, Alabama) during the summer, I would be surrounded with cousins, neighborhood kids, and their cousins with these questionable ass names. I was always made fun of because I didn’t have a fucked up name, they felt that my name was too white. So what’s the difference.
My pet peeve though is people who have a regular name and they try to make it fucked up. Example, I met a girl who pronounced her name “DE-BOAR-A”. But, what is her name, uh…Deborah. I was like yeah, Debbie, whatever…
It’s just going to get worse, I wonderhow many little girls are being names Beyonce right now…
My parents are Chinese and they named me after the jewelry store so that I’d get a husband “who can afford me”. Huge WTF there, but at least it’s relatively common and normal and racially ambiguous.
You forgot another category: Liquor. I know of people who named their child Courvosier (sp). *shaking my head*
Others include: Alize and Remy
the ones that really get me are the theme names…my father was an elementary school principal in Baltimore City and he encountered:
triplets: yesterday, today, and tomorrow
twins: audacious and bodacious (unfortunately, bodacious was the boy)
*smh*
Swahili Bastardizations
Megalomaniacal Descriptors
Luxury Latch-Ons
The Unfathomably Ridiculous
Brilliant! I love this post. Just watch Maury Povitch for a week and see the names fall into place.
MY number one favorite…
Abcde (pronounced Ab-seh-dee)
I’m so glad to read that I am not the only one who has concerns about what names are given to children. I still can’t believe what Chelle wrote, but hey why would she lie? When I was in undergrad, I attended a conference in Virginia and befriended a very nice young lady. She was smart and funny, but there was one thing that she felt held her back…her name. Reluctantly, she told me her real name after an hour of conversation: Shardonnay.
Someone pronounce these names for me:
Xyquavious and Xyshanae.
Save the creativeness for the middle name and go with a regular name for the first name. I CRINGE when I see some of these names my clients give their kids. NO long term thought goes into them at all. I thought about my daughter’s name for 6 months before I settled on one.
My first name is unusual, but not uncommon, if that makes sense. My middle name is common. My nickname, which is what I prefer to be called, is very common. Mommy.
I literally laughed out loud. I know people right lol all the time - myself included - but I actually laughed out loud. This is hilarious.
You’ve got a new reader!
..i meant ‘write’ not right. whoops
laughing too hard.
So far this is the most interesting post I’ve read this week.
Swahili Bastardizations
Megalomaniacal Descriptors
Luxury Latch-Ons
The Unfathomably Ridiculous…….If you live or lived in the Tri-State area you truely understand this post!
Actually, “Rashida” or “Rashidah” is not an obscure Arabic name by any stretch of the imagination. Its more ghettoized versions may be. I attended Spelman and graduated with no less than 5 ladies with this name. There were many more who graduated before us. My last name is an English name, but most believe that I am from the Middle East, or at minimum a practicing Muslim more than African American… and they are quite surprised when I show up.
Mercedes was a name before it became a car, I think it was named for the owner of the companies daughter or something like that.
Sorry I had to be an ass.
When I went to name my daughter, someone suggested I name her Levitra. I was like “yeah, after the ED medication? I think not.”
So glad I gave her a resume name…
I have a name that is considered “white,” but I would rather be called Alison then Ar’janee any day!
I love this one. I’m black and have a virtue name (see http://www.namenerds.com/uucn/virtue.html for a list) and people act like they can’t pronounce or spell my name, though it’s a regular English word. People assume I/my family must be European, African, or Caribbean since Black Americans couldn’t possibly give their children normal or ‘white’ names. Out of the categories you mentioned, the Swahili Bastardizations and URs are THE WORST. I hate the thought that when I’m 80 years old, they’ll be a bunch of Zeshauns and Quaneshas complaining about teenagers and pushing walkers.
The thing that bothers me the most would be naming your child (girls), after there fathers in rediculous fashion. I have read other responding about this subject in the sma regard, but fuck it i’m putting my two cents in. for example:
Johnny= johnay
Robert= Roberta
Freddrick= Fredderik’
worst of all has to be… George= Georgetta!
Common now, lets find a better way to honor the father of a child… possibly by becoming successful and making Roland proud (that he didn’t name you Rolanda)
i’m just sayin’…
knatural~ I took a second look…. MY NAME IS ON THE LIST!!!! LMBAO.
No, I’m not Quintesessence.
I can say now, “I have a virtue name”.
I’m so glad it’s not Quintessence! That’s automatically Black.
You probably still get the bewildered looks and questions - “why they name you that?”
I just noticed that Serenity is on the virtue names list and under Megalomaniacal Descriptors, so what does that mean?
wow…what a post!
My name is definately deemed “white” and ppl claim they’re never met a Black girl with my name, even though I happen to know several girls with my name as well…and when I tell people what my name is, I get an incredulous look of non-belief every.single.time or a “your name is what?!“. My name is Chelsea…its actually pronounced (according to my mom) as Chel-see-uh, but when the average person reads it on paper, they just say “Chel-see” and usually i don’t correct them. Very few ppl actually come up with “Chel-see-uh” on their own without any help from me, but when I introduce myself as “Chel-see-uh” I find that most ppl complain that it’s hard to pronounce (wtf?) or hard to remember (are u kidding me?)
I once had a teacher is high school…an elderly-almost white man from upstate New York who couldn’t remember my name for the first 3-4 months of school! I told him it was “Chel-see” from day 1 just to make his life easier. Do u know that this man told me he couldn’t remember my name becuz it didn’t “fit” me? He said I look like I should have a more “exotic” name…exotic meaning GHETTO! But my friend Kenyetta that sat behind me never got her name forgotten. The names of all the Black ppl in the class:
Chelsea
Kenyetta
Amanda
Christian
Charlotte
Brandon
And he couldn’t remember mine??
My first and last names read very “white” and it doesn’t help that I speak correct English and have a wide vocabulary either and sound “white” on the phone. Whenever sumone (ie jobs, doctors seting up appointments, interviews, etc) speaks to me over the phone and learns my name they expect a white chick. When I show up…dark-skinned Black chick, long colorful nails, very, very short styled hair and a Monroe piercing…they’re shocked every time! Lol…My future kids name? Bryant Kendall and Jayla Simone. Shoo-in for high-profile jobs right?
No one ever truly believes that my birth name is Chelsea! They say I look like I should have sum UR name probably…I don’t know. i love my name. I always get an interview! lol…my mom did well with us…Robert, Kenneth and Chelsea. Our middle names are pretty Black tho!
The etymology of Mercedes as a female name:
Mercedes is a character from Alexandre Dumas’ novel, The Count of Monte Cristo. As the betrothed of Edmond Dantes, she is the embodiment of pure love and pure womanhood, although when Dantes is imprisoned she quickly marries another.
Mercedes next appears in James Joyce’s novel, A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man as an imaginary charater in the mind of the main charater Stephen. Stephen imagines her as the ideal woman he longs to meet in reality.
That said, I KNOW at least 99.9% of the Mercedes running around didn’t get their names from either of these books!
I have a niece whose daughter named her son…get this
prince suleem aleem zupreem and get that last name…jones…
needless to say, most of the family wonders what drugs she was on
In the rush to get African-sounding names, we actually are throwing away names that are African. Effie and Essie are West African Names that we now consider old-timey. The irony is those names are directly from West Africa. I think the point is that we need to study and read more. Here’s another thing, plenty of Blacks elsewhere, specifically Africa and the Caribbean, have European names since they were colonized. How many us of know West Indians named Ethan and Nigel? Or how about Africans named Pierre, Dieudonne, Guy, and Francois? Ultimately, the more global we become the less the distinctions we cling to really remain relevant. I did teach a girl whose name was “Reminisce” and her sister who was a year or two ahead had the name “Perhaps.” So, I don’t know what in the hell their mother was thinking.
why is everyone hung up on the name mercedes…
same group as britney..
please read spbh comment about this at 03:19:41 before enlightening us again…
i know someone who named her son otis as she was in the lift/elevator when he started enter this world… luckily she was not on the bus or at the zoo or in the supermarket or something… heinz, lion, trafalgar, anybody?
the names ‘perhaps’ and reminisce’ kill me… the kids better be a good runners or good fighters.. kids are cruel…
ooh ooh, not like it matters, but in colloquial mandarin “lala” means lesbian or engaging in acts of lesbianism… (in reference to first segment)
And this is why people with legitimate African names catch it worst of all. WP look at you as just another “qwa” and BP think your mama made up your name and want to name their baby your last name!
My friend is an OB-GYN, he says one of his patients named her daughter Placenta.
Random Comments:
Mr. Smith - I’ve also met an Ab-seh-dee, but spelled Abcd instead of Abcde.
I was in middle school with a Brandy, who had a brother named KaVazee-A.
How many people know girls named Akwanett/Aquanetta? I went to college with at least six, all with different spellings.
I went to college in New Orleans, and when I did orientation for my volunteers for a youth outreach program, I always told them to make a conscious effort not to laugh when the kids introduced themselves.
Roll call: Ty-Qyeeshaa, LaDaisyyyah, JoTayja, Sulfuaytah (Yes, Sulfur-8. WTF???), Morkwosa, EtCetraa. I didn’t misspell et cetera, that was a name.
But seriously, white people- Whisper? MaidenDust? MoonStar? Daydream? May they’ll grow up to be psychics.
Now, with this i agree…. i hate pointless names, i really think everyone should.
My nieces and nephews has Hawaiian and “white” names and thank God they aren’t ghetto; except one of them has a country name (Lilyanna) which isn’t that bad — she can still get a job. But I know some people with some terrible and ghetto names that you can’t do anything but shake your head at.
Tajay
Pili (Swahili name but He can’t even speak Swahili)
Jowanna
Diamond
De’Arieus
Shikiriah
Shikimia
Ikimia
Precious
Nadiyah
Princess
Jelela
Nitajo (mixture of Anita & Joseph)
And those talking about the luxury names — these are usually last names and the not first names — Chanel is the last name and not a first name of the person who started the brand. It makes a different. I know a Chanel and I don’t think its that bad but still. Yeah, white people got some off the wall names too but they will still get by because they have privilege. We are not so fortunate as a group of people to have that; I have a regular name and ‘Pat’ ain’t it.
re “Black people have taken Miyoshi and they pronounce it Mee-yosh-a. I don’t know one Asian person named Miyoshi”
Miyoshi (mee-yoh-shee) is a surname in Japan
My parents named me Deva (pronounced like Diva). It’s a little ridiculous and I absolutely hate the questions (is that your REAL name? how do you spell it? is it short for something?…
but it’s totally not my fault I have this crazy uncommon name. I’m not sure if it qualifies as a stupid name or not, though.
don’t hate on LaLa for her parent’s doing. but i agree with most of the blog. i especially hate when people name their child a common name but spell it hella different (a set up for failure) such as Lisa, but spell it “Lee-Sah”. WTH?
I especially hate naming your child after:
liquor: hennesey
cars: lexus
designer clothing: armani (but then spell it ugly, like: R’Moni or Aurmoney. Eww!
feeling: “nicely done”
nickname: “misstuesday” (that’s the worse, sorry girl)
i don’t mind being original, but damn.
A few years ago, I taught at a correctional institution for teenage girls. The number of girls with made-up names (especially Swahili bastardizations) was amazing. I now teach at a college and find that a much lower percentage of students have those types of made-up names. If there is a correlation, it probably has more to do with the parental state of mind and consequent upbringing than with the effect of going through life with an unusual and possibly unfortunate name.
For most of my adult life I used the name “Hakeem” before returning a few years ago to “Lester” - the name my parents had given me. I am still the same person, and I have not noticed any difference in the way people respond to me.
my mom was a teacher, so i’ve heard plenty of craziness over the years.
for the record, i’d like to say that i’ve met plenty of africans with names like “harmony”, “mercy”, etc… of course, they’ve been giving children the equivalent of “virtue” names in yoruba, twi, etc for centuries, but colonization & religious conversion took it to a whole other level.
i’ve also noticed that a lot of the “bastardized swahili” and quasi-african names are REALLY close to sanskrit/hindu ones. don’t ask me why, but if you start looking thru a list, you’ll see what i mean…
i’m with the person who said that if we’re gonna make the names unusual, at least let’s make sure they have true meaning behind them.
Preach!! And may the congregation say, AMEN!
I went to school with girls who were actually born with the names: Startisha, Quiesha,Linquitta and of course bet the 9th - 12th grades you had your Shaniqua’s (9 of them to be exact)!
I know a black guy named Aswad. The day I met him was the greatest day of my life
This hurts to admit… My mother name my brother Shongo LeCarr (WHAT THE FUCK) and Javari DeJuan (although I like the Javari part). Somehow, I was named Jasmine (thankfully). The ghettotrocities do not end there…
My brother wants to name his future seed (if it is a boy) “Partion” pronounced “Party On.” YEAH.
WAIT! Children my father had that are not my mother’s: Tarica (sp.), LaContio (sp.), Vatara, and other shit I forgot how to spell/pronounce.
It does not end! I have a cousin named Tremanica Tremell (sp.) and another named Cassonya Cazette and Datrion. WHY.
I know a girl named “Shacrowsha” who was named after her father’s nickname, “Crow.” She looks like how a Shacrowsha sounds too.
I have another named Kelvaris (a girl.)
I COULD GO ON FOR DAYS.
Just to add to the melting pot of ridiculous and shamefully ebonic names, I used to know a woman by the name of Skynetta Sunkista. That’s her first and middle name. I never found out what her last name was. She went by the name Sky and she was a stripper. Hmm. Makes you wonder.
Lisaturtle….I had to calm myself down after a full two minutes of LMAO!
Oh my God….. Your family takes the cake! I wouldn’t be able to call out anybody’s name at a family get together without busting out laughing!!! I’d be disowned QUICK!
But my family has its own dumb ass name hall of shame:
I have a niece named Mercedes
another one Dejenae
her brother Deyshawn
we also have a Shandu
oh, and a Shandalyn
One of the little girls in the hood is named Tusheera
my nephew Keyon, not to be confused with my cousin Kenya (which is at least a country).
But my cousin Danita took the cake when she went WAY out the box and named her only son Mario. Mario can rest assured that he is the only black boy in North Carolina with that Italian name. Gotta at least give her points for non ghetto conformist originality on THAT tip!
Love the word “ghettotrocities”. I’m stealing it!
Another thing….Black Brits and Jamaicans with these ridiculously stuffy English names:
A dude named Wadsworth
Ellington
Regisford
Audwin
Billingsley
Codrington
Windsor
Wallingford
Chauncey
Queenly (one for the girls. And she didn’t look that queenly to me)
These are the names of black brits and caribbean men (and one girl) that I know of.
Ridiculous to see a big, strong, black man walking around with the name Billingsley or Wadsworth!!! Okay??? By the way, that last one can inspire quite a low minded joke or two….
Fitness Diva -
I am one of the folks you’re talking about. As a descendant of Jamaicans, my brood includes Barrington, Kingsley and Ellsworth. I am expecting a Lola any day now.
a cautionary tale..there was a kid murdered over here last year called jesse james..
my mum said that poor child was doomed from day one…
she was horrified at the stupidity of the parents…. and said nothing good could come of having a name like that..
there is a lot of truth there…
Please don’t forget the nature names: River, Stone, Forrest.
Soap Opera names: Brock, Ridge.
The title type of names: Sir, Mister, Bishop, Prince, Duke, Reverend, Doctor.
And my all time fav: Epidural. Just like the shot.
I for one applaud your use of set theory.
Although I was and remain a big fan of Frank’s, I can never completely forgive him for “Moonunit” and “Dweezil.” WTF was he thinking?
hey erica c.
thats my name exactly! its good to hear about another girl named morgan, there’s not that many.
the other day while at work i noticed a form that was signed by a woman named “epifanie”
*sigh*
Ken: I know you said Effie was a West African name, but does it have any North African influence? I knew an Israeli girl named Effie (and a lot of Arabic and Hebrew words share similar roots, so I’m curious if it has any tie to Semetic language).
Also, as a young female professional, I’m a bit amazed that LaLa has not changed her name legally (or adopted a “professional” name that is not her legal one)–we get enough crap from sexist middle-aged men without having to overcome extra hurdles like “unprofessional” names!
I don’t recall who said it, but I agree that changing the spellings of traditional names makes me twitch a bit. I once met a woman with my name (which, as I understand it, is a Greek derivative of Catherine) and spelled it Kharah. I admit I kind of stared at her for a bit after she spelled it for me.
Also–it’s odd how some virtue names are considered “traditional” and some aren’t, to the point where some similar names are considered acceptable. I don’t think too many people look askance at a Harmony, Hope, or Faith, but Charity is outdated, Chastity is frankly insulting, and Patience or Serenity get counted as Meglomaniacal Descriptors. At least on this site, that is.
Also: “I’d rather be keelhauled” made me smile.
N,
interesting that you mention the soap opera names. i have to admit, i’ve always associated those w/ broke whitefolk. lol.
i kinda like the “sir”, “king”, etc idea…i wouldn’t do it, but i understand it. kind of a slap in the face to anyone who would disrespect because they’re black and/or a reminder of when blk folk weren’t allowed those titles in most social situations. plus, they typically have a “regular” middle name and will mainly go by that, e.g., Sir Charles Johnson would probably just be Charles to most folks.
my grandfather’s name was Earl Major now that i think of it. two titles. didn’t help him in the army, but that’s another story.
that’s a quirk i can accept on some level.
I must say that I have been saddled with a name that is consistently jacked-up and should be listed under a ‘ghettotrocity’. It’s spelled La Shunna, but pronounced la-shaw-na. How you get the ‘a’ out the ‘u’ is beyond my understanding, but I’m rolling with it. Unfortunately, my name is more frequently pronounced the way it’s spelled, la-shun-na, or la-shoe-na (retarded) and what I’m finding more frequent is la-shawn-da (I have no idea where that d comes from). I must also state that i frequently get compliments from white people regarding my name, especially white women but I ‘ve had other black women laugh at my name (trifflin heffas!!)
Now that I have two children, I’ve decided that I would do them a great justice by not giving them a ghetto-fabulous name (plus, since my husband is spanish, I don’t think he nor his crew could roll with that). My daugher is Jolie, and no not for the crazy actress. Jolie is actually the french word for pretty and my little girl is most definitely that times 10. She’s 7 and already has little boys trying to holla at her. Thank GOD that she still thinks boys are yucky. My son’s name is Xavier. His name doesn’t mean anything special, but it’s neither common or unfathomably ridiculous. Unfortunately, whenever he goes somewhere where his name has to be called out, it’s always pronounced Javier (he has a spanish last name) and when the person sees me with him, they give me the crazy side-eye like I stole the boy. Nw you know we as black folks don’t like children (i personally think my kids are ok since I’m not afraid to beat the snot out of them when they act up, but I can’t stand other people’s children and I absolutely loathe teenagers).
Cut Carmello some slack. His name’s Latin and he is part Puerto Rican. Anfernee is on point. LaDanian, JeMarcus, Antwone — WTH?
No, I’m not from FL. My father met the Gonorrhea girl’s mother in NJ. (And I’ve also heard that Chlamydia is becoming popular.) But wow - I had no idea ‘Abcde’ was that popular. That’s gotta be the laziest name I’ve ever heard.
Still laughing about Epidural. [I wonder how many have been named directly after the anesthesiologist.]
I totally agree with this post. I was just talking to my friend about this the other day. I was saying that what you name your child really does determine their fate in the future. I said imagine your childs name on a business card, would it look good? I highly doubt Alazay Jones would look good or, Sugar Johnson. I would think it was a business card for a stripper. LOL I told myself I might just go ahead and name my child something unisex such as Terry, or Casey or something so people wouldn’t even know their SEX. LOL
LOL I cant believe how many people actually researched names and lineage to post a comment. This site is now official one of my favorites! LMAO
sorry I was crying from laughter and cheap mascara and forgot the “ly” on official….
Check out this article i just came upon:
http://thepeoplesnews.wordpress.com/2008/03/02/federal-judge-enough-with-the-stupid-names/
Lets not forget all the girls named after their parents choice of alcohol
Brandy
Sherry
Moet (was a business major @ my school back in undergrad)
Alize
Kijafa (as in Cherry Kijafa)
Mercedes is a legit name. The car company borrowed it from the people but I agree with you that this modern tread would argue that it’s the reverse.
I went to high school with a girl named Toshiba-like the tvs……..hmmmm……I also went to school with a guy named Roach (last name, but still it’s not like he’s Marvin Gaye and can just add an “e”). I would legally change my name.
At my former college there are two people who bear the name “Sweetmeat.” I am not even lying. There’s also a woman named Velvetta.
Let’s not forgot the name Hennessey, although I think that is better than naming your child Crown Royal.
I also have to add that I hate the name Chastity. It’s just a stupid name.
Which set of names sucks more:
A)
Daughter-Peyton or Harlem
Son- Kyan
OR
B)
Daughter-Leelah or Valentina
Son- Solomon
…I’m pretty sure if somone doesn’t answer this question, a child is going to be running around with either one or all of these names–as one word.
My brother has two bi-racial sons, Jameson and Jarrod (pronounced like Jared, not Juh-Rod…it’s my bro’s middle name…but, yeah) the oldest of whom is in pre-K.
When he started school, he was sent home with a list of names of the kids that rode with him on the school bus. My brother showed me this list and I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry (there were two kids named La’Quavious and D’antravius). Some months later, I accompanied my brother to pick Jameson up from school. We arrived earlier than normal and his teacher told us we could hang around for the remaining few minutes of class. After the bell rang, my brother approached the teacher and we introduced ourselves. The subject of the list came up and the teacher shook his head and said that the biggest problem with these “unique” names was the fact that the kids couldn’t spell them. It’s a Pre-K requirement in my state for the kids to be able to write their names. The teacher asked how in the world a 4 year old child is supposed to learn to spell a name with 3 apostrophes and two Q’s. He said it was heartbreaking to see a child staring at a sheet of paper, unable to spell his or her name and that it instills an early apathy towards even trying to complete other tasks. After all, if everyone knows you can’t even spell your own name, what use is it to try to do other schoolwork?
Fucking tragic.
White people are neck in neck w/ black people in the race of giving the shittiest names on the planet to their wee ones.
Ex:
Queen Messiah Jesus Christ
Legend
Gypsy
Ice Key
Xoi Phantasia
Loyalti
Saviour
Miracle Divine
A’Risin Starr
Kimberly Elise… the star of “Diary of a Mad Black Woman” and “The Manchurian Candidate” also hails in the ranks of the idiot parents giving their children stupid names.
Please navigate to the following:
http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0253708/bio
Her children are AjaBleu, 14 and Butterfly, 6
completely unacceptable.
Quanshay Shetory….I shit you not.
OH, NO YOU DID-INT! *swaying head from side to side*
My nephews name is Qeontice (pronounced Keontise) Romique Jordan. I also have a cousin named Quaquasha. What is it with these Q’s? Is that like some kind of magical letter that the rest of us havn’t yet unlocked the key to? And yes, I spelled my nephews name correct. I also thought that U always comes after Q. But not when youre tryin to be “unique”.
See today’s post!
http://stuffebplike.com
My mom was a teacher. Most of them badasses so I heard my share of messed up names. One of my personal faves:
Lo’re’al.
The cosmetics company with apostrophes thrown to make it pretty.
Did not see a mention of the 19 year old charged with murder of the DC area music producer last year:
Neiman Marcus Reynolds
Let us bow our heads…
It is definitely tragic when a child can’t even spell their own name (piggy backing off Dr. Pickle’s post). When will it end?
I’m fortunate that there isn’t a lot of craziness in my family. One of my cousins named her child, NaShay, a combination of the father’s name (Nathaniel) and the mother’s name (Shanay). Her other two children are named Tia and Dailus (pronounced Dallas).
My son’s name is unique but acceptable, Colden (named after the protaganist in, “The Catcher in the Rye”, Holden Caulfied. His middle name is Avery.
I know very “white” of me, but I wanted to ensure that his resume wouldn’t be put to the bottom of the pack!
Subway- set theory is aways useful.
Omi- your Granddad’s name is not weird or unusual. I once dated a hot guy named Earl.
I do understand the respect thing but these days, “Sir Johnson” is not exactly cutting it.
Thank God my parents saved me the embarrassment of being named after an unknown pile of shit found at the bottom of a porta-potty, although being a black woman named Christine isnt all that gr