FAQ
These are the answers to the questions is get the most frequently in emails and the comments sections. If there’s anything else you’d like clarified, email stuffblackpeoplehate@gmail.com.
Q. Why are you so bitter?
A. This and this have a lot to do with it.
Q. Is this site really about stuff black people hate, or is it just stuff you hate?
A. It all depends on how you define ‘black people’.
Most people go with the tacit definition of ‘black people’ - that is, a ‘high’ percentage of black people. The problem is that very few people are willing to define what that percentage is. Is it 90%? 80%? 50%? 25%? You may think 25% is a low and unreasonable number, but anyone who has ever gathered 100 random black people together and tried to get 25 of them to agree on something will say otherwise. For reasons such as these, agreeing on this percentage is literally impossible. It will always be a matter of opinion as to what constitutes a quorum of black opinion. This leaves the commonly accepted definition of ‘black people’ subject to change, and this is unacceptable to me.
Therefore, for the purposes of this site, I prefer to draw on the literal (or mathematical) meaning of ‘black people’ - as in “more than one black person”. This is a definition that no one can argue with as long as you make it clear that it’s the literal definition that you’re using.*
As such, this blog could also be called ‘Stuff More Than One Black Person Hates’, which is almost certainly accurate in that, for every post I make, I’m sure that I could find at least one of the 40 million or so black people in the country who agrees with it. I did not use this name, however, because it makes for an awkward URL.
And there you have it.
*I don’t make this clarification anywhere on my blog that’s clearly visible, mostly because I am an asshole.
Q. Do your posts reflect your real opinions? Or are you exaggerating?
A. In just about every post on this site, I drift between my real feelings and satire like an injured boxer drifting in and out of consciousness. Part of what makes writing this blog interesting is seeing where people draw the line between humor and seriousness, because most of the time I don’t draw it for them. Some authors would feel compelled to make the distinction clear each and every time to keep their readers from becoming frustrated. I, personally, do not feel so compelled.
When I started writing this blog, I did so assuming the audience would consist of myself and my closest friends (at first, it actually did) and wrote the blog geared toward them. There was never a need to me to clarify anything because my friends know when I’m serious and when I’m not. I did not, at the time, anticipate this blog becoming popular.
I made the conscious decision not to alter my writing style once the blog caught on because I felt doing so would be a disservice to the reader I value the most: the one who doesn’t take himself seriously, the one who is happy to laugh at himself/life, and the one who does this even if he/she doesn’t agree with me. Since I didn’t change up the style, though, I get plenty of other readers who take the blog 100% seriously and will either try to engage me in serious debate or simply try to ’serve’ me intellectually. While I respect these individuals (at least those from the first group, anyway), I have to say in all honesty that I don’t write this blog to wax sophisticated with anyone. I don’t write this blog to stimulate dialog. It’s not because I can’t - it’s because I don’t feel like it. These folks view this site as being able to spark a kind of cerebral debate akin to lovemaking. I view this site as a one-sided and occasionally-didactic polemic that’s more akin to drunk-fucking or masturbation.
I suppose that doesn’t really clear up anything. Fuck it.
Q. Are you ‘Admiral Furious’?
A. This is a common misconception.
For those new to the site, a lot of comments on the blog are left under the name ‘Admiral Furious’ - and I suppose that due to the number and length of these comments (and the fact that the title image of this blog once featured him), many people think that Admiral Furious is the author of this blog. This is not the case.
So to put the whole thing to bed: Admiral Furious is one of my closest, dearest, and clinically insane friends, as indicated by the fact that I helped him paint his house and sandblast his walls (this second part, admittedly, I did mostly to entertain myself because I like power tools, and I like making a mess). Admiral Furious and I, however, are two different people.
Any comments I post are under the name ’stuffblackpeoplehate’.
Q. Are you a racist?
A. See this article
Q. Are you black?
A. My unofficial black blood quantum is somewhere between 1/4 and 1/2, depending on how much Indian ancestry is attributed to my mother (which has never been determined to any degree of certainty). So the short answer is, “yes.” For those who want the long answer, read on…
I had the experience of being raised simultaneously in both black and native american communities, so I am one of those relatively rare folks that are racially mixed both physically and culturally to a fairly equal degree. Because I don’t identify with being black more than native, or native more than black, I tend to hop freely between the two when offering my opinion on things.
This often confuses and angers people - especially when I suddenly take a black issue and offer a native perspective on it. It’s as if people want me to ‘choose sides’ based on the flawed assumption that the whole of my experience is a zero-sum game between my black experiences/perspectives vs. my native ones. This, of course, is all Viacom’s fault.
MTV’s ‘The Real World’ injected the collective young American sub-conscience with the idea that people can and should be classified only according to simple and easily digestible archetypes. Don’t get me wrong - these archetypes existed way before MTV. It’s just that MTV made it socially mandatory for us to apply them to people in everyday life. The best part is that we’re all guilty of doing it, but no one will ever admit it.
These archetypes include familiar ones like the Militant Black Man, the Gay Guy, the Bitchy White Girl, the White Frat Boy, the Break Dancing Asian, etc. There’s no place in the dialog, though, for the black/red man whose life experience is culturally dimorphic. Someone like this makes for bad television because it may take more than one episode for viewers to decide if they love him or hate him. Basically, he’s not polarizing enough in a society that demands emotional polarity. I’m not on ‘The Real World’ for the same reason there isn’t a blog called stuffwhitepeoplefeelneitherherenorthereabout.org.
So the bottom line is this: since this isn’t reality television, the people you encounter here (me, those who leave comments, Admiral Furious, etc.) are going to be as complex as the people you encounter in real life. Viewpoints are going to come from every corner of the universe, and they’re not necessarily going to fit any predefined notions about who people are or who they should be.
Deal with it.
Q. Are you single/available
A. For the moment, yes.
Q. Why don’t you put ads on this site? You could make money!
A. I think placing ads on this site would undermine its creative character, as was confirmed to me when, for a VERY brief time, SWPL.org had ads on its site (I believe they’ve since been removed, possibly as a result of landing a six-figure book deal).
There are more honest ways to pursue revenue from this site, as long as I’m not too lazy, which I most certainly am…so I pretty much don’t expect to see a dime from this site ever. And I’m OK with that.
Q. Do you date women who aren’t black?
A. Almost exclusively. Not because I don’t like black women, but because a.) black women tend not to be attracted to me and b.) most other races are. I love black women, but I’m not gonna break my balls just trying to get the time of day from a black girl when the hot indian girl across the room is asking ME for MY number.
I’ve received all kinds of explanations as to why black chicks don’t dig me: light skinned guys are out of fashion, I ‘talk too white’, I don’t come off as suave, I don’t have enough black friends, I smell like a paper mill, etc. Fortunately, though, I’m good enough for just about every other race of women…so I stopped caring.
It’s admittedly frustrating, though, to see my non-black dates being scowled at by black women who would never date me themselves. Oh well.
“It’s admittedly frustrating, though, to see my non-black dates being scowled at by black women who would never date me themselves. ”
I smell the next topic.
Hmm…very interesting. I must say that I am intrigued with the fact that you grew up with an active awareness of the Native American culture. I was teased as a child for my “chinky or jappy” eyes; but I when I told people it was from the Native American in my family they sometimes asked did I grow up on a reservation. Anyway, I love the blog and look forward to reading more about you. Lastly, I can’t say that I blame you for not “sweating” the whole black women thing. There is no point in begging someone to
date you when they will never realize just how wonderful you really are.
Machete: “I smell the next topic.”
Meh. It’s frustrating, not angering. In the end, I just feel sorry for them
Thanks for clairfying for those that needed it. And I would holla
I think you’re beautiful and i’m a black woman, perhaps all the other black women are intimidated by your dashing good looks.
Loving the answer to the first question, not all black people like the stuff on my site - not every black person is the same. oh well, good shit - http://www.anythingblack.wordpress.com
You know something, that had been my problem up until I met my current girlfriend of 3 1/2 years (who happens to be Philippine). Black women just were not interested in me, until I was with a woman of another race. Just as a test, I actually pursued one of these women who looked down on me when I dated outside my race. Got nowhere, she actually used the excuse that “oh I don’t trust light skinned black guys”.
Wow.
You’re an asshole for not telling them you weren’t me sooner. Thanks dick!
YOU’RE WELCOME, COCK-MUSCLE!
why are black people scared to be ashy?
Shabooty…your lack of intelligence is infuriating.
Hmm, that’s interesting. I’m light-skinned, only about an 8th Native American, and usually non-black males are more interested in me.
Angry ver. 3.2! Yaya we agree!
(shaking head)…. Shabooty…. gat damn….
I’m an 8th Native… fairly dark skinned… and only black women aren’t scared of me.
ahahahahaufskjadshf;jsaf…
angry ver 3.2 - your opinion of shabooty, despite never meeting him, is nostradmic in propheticness.
tap sum bong…please read this and get back to us. However, Chris makes a valid point in stating that being light-skinned and “talking white” makes you adverse to black women. It wasn’t until recently that I was able to get lucky and find one just like me, even though she’s 1/2 white.
Unfortunately, you’ll continue to receive the “looks of scorn” as if you’re supposed to settle for busted-ass chicks instead of finding someone that actually pursues YOU.
HA! As a “redbone” African American woman, I know from experience that most Black people who aren’t high yellow don’t trust people who ARE high yellow (even my own mother (who married my high yellow father) complained about being in a house full of yellow people). I think this is a part of the divide and conquer mentality that we still carry with us today. Fortunately for me, my father taught me to tell people of all colors and creeds to “kiss my yellow ass!” if they stepped out of line.
SBPH, I can’t believe you been to the Neck (I had the pleasure of growing up on the Rappahannock!). I totaled my first car on 301 in King George….someone rolled two of those BIG ASS bales of hay into the road and I tried to drive in between them (yes I was inebriated). Nonetheless, I made it home and woke up the next morning to discover that there was hay hanging from both sides of my car and only ONE door worked!
Nice blog, keep it up… I have a boring job!
sbph honey….
my son is light skinned and at 15 he’s not trusted by his ‘girlfriends’ (very hard to type. he is my baby goddamit.. it’s all too soon) parents.. he doesn’t care.. he likes dark girls… and he is charming as hell…
my father is light skinned and he married a dark and lovely woman - my mother - and his whole family told him HELL NO! he persisted with his charming badass self and they are still together 43 year later..
nothing changes & it’s the same in england.. but at sometime you will get lucky…
great blog..
*dead* @ ”cock muscle”
Who are these dumbass black people who think you’re ugly/talk to white/don’t trust light skinned people? Wait, I forgot. I only have about 2 black female friends and they’re like me.
I went through a period of time where it seemed like I could not get a date w/ a decent Black man-but all other types of men were very into me.
I am married to a Black American; however, the guy I was going out with before him - I was dating for two years- he was White. My husband is quite dark and yes-I’ll admit….I would deliberately avoid light skinned men or men who were of mixed race. I felt that these men came with too many issues.
I reveal all this to say:
-Damn…I felt crappy typing that (deliberately avoiding mixed or light skinned men)
and
-I concur with the concept that you should go out with the people who want to go out with you.
Hey there. Just wanted to say that I LOVE your blog! You are honest (and hot) and I like that
It does blow my day a little that you end up dating mostly non-black women because MOST black women aren’t into you. I happen to fall into that group of black women who would totally dig you. I don’t know…maybe it’s because I “talk too white” myself and find the smell of paper mills to be super sexy (no, really I do). At any rate keep it up! This site is awesome!
Why do you smell like a paper mill?
Wierd. I always thought dark skinned ppl prefered lighter skinned? (Case in point, light skinned brides are preferable in India).
Well, you can always move to (sub-saharan, not south africa) Africa …you’d be prized there fow-sho’.
Being a light skinned black guy, I’ve been seen as “sneaky, untrustworthy” or just seen as plain not as desirable to any black women (dark, black, brown, light skinned etc). They all gave this description or some version of it. This is my main reason why I dated outside my race. Not because I’m not attracted to black women, I guess I just wasn’t attractive enough to draw interest.
HOWEVER,
light skinned black women on the other hand get a little different treatment. The most famous african american female celebrities (whether they admit they are black or not) are light skinned, and it seems like any ad that I see that isn’t in black entrepreneur or King magazine, have light skinned black women with curly hair in their ads for phone companies or whatever which is why I laughed extra hard when I read Maddox’s article.
Question: What does a paper mill smell like?
Comment:
Apparently, Light skinned woman = desireable; light skinned man = undesireable.
Women are primarily valued for their physical beauty, and since the at large beauty standard in the US is Caucasoid - it makes sense that light = beautiful…The funny part is that men are valued for their earning power but dark skinned men earn less - all other things being equal.
Check this out:
“On average, being one shade lighter has about the same effect as having an additional year of education,”
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2007/01/27/national/main2404501.shtml
Check THIS mess out:
“The findings in this study are, tragically, not too surprising,” said Harrison. “We found that a light-skinned black male can have only a bachelor’s degree and typical work experience and still be preferred over a dark-skinned black male with an MBA and past managerial positions, simply because expectations of the light-skinned black male are much higher, and he doesn’t appear as ‘menacing’ as the darker-skinned male applicant.”
http://www.multiculturaladvantage.net/diversity/2006/09/01/uga-study-reveals-darker-skinned-black-job-applicants-hit-more-obstacles/
chris im fallin for you too, and im a dude? is that gay
Kinda.
I get the “chinky eyes” thing a lot. Yes, I am part Native American. Any man that sounds educated is a plus in my book. I, also, have been accused of “talking white”. *rolling eyes*
Nah homie chill I aint fallin for you hahaha! But yeah I was born in London raised over there, so people say uGH you talk white or wow, you’re so proper, thats why me and most black girls dont get together
I’m happily married with a kid, but for what its worth, me and my girlfriends all think you’re hot. And yes, we’re black. I tend not to scowl when I see black men with women of other races…as long as its not my husband, LOL!
I love your blog. Um, light-skinned blacks are “sneaky”? I have never heard of that before. lol! Interesting. I am however used to the stupid comments of
“talking like a white person”. WTH is that about? So speaking properly is white? Give me a break!
The whole light skinned thing goes back to Chris’ Beyonce article. I guess, for whatever reason, having lighter skin or lighter blonde hair is closer to being white therefore it is more acceptable.
oh, i just thought up another one…black people hate:
when you take your basketball to the b-ball court, and they’re using it, then you want to leave [preferably with your ball].
if you’re lucky, you will just leave with a verbal tongue lashing, and the ball chucked at you.
You should date people who are interested in dating you, whatever color they may be. I am a dark-skinned Guyanese, Cuban and Latino woman who in theory and practice is an equal-opportunity dater. Ultimately, I want to marry the man who loves me the way I want to e loved, no matter his color. Who are these black women that you are talking about? I am not going to discount your personal experience but give me a break. You are from DC and live in ATL, two places noted for deep-seated color politics. Come up to NY some time. Trust me, black women will like you and more importantly, any woman who respects intellect and humor will love you. I
Dude. You have to republish “the jackals den” original email string covering the 1,000+ things that are hated about white people. That was classic.
Also, you DEFINITELY need to do a post on hating-assed black women. For those of you who don’t know, I am one of this blog-author’s brothers. I dated almost exclusively black women (full and mixed) from age 5 to 25. Yes, 5 dammit…I got an early start. Since then, I’ve been able to date women from 6 continents, and about 19 different countries. It is AMAZING what the world outside of our schools, clubs, shopping malls, and immediate communities has to offer.
I’m in my 30’s now, and my woman is Korean. She gets gritted on constantly when we’re out. Oh well. They shoulda stepped up when I was single…
- The Devil
“Dude. You have to republish “the jackals den” original email string covering the 1,000+ things that are hated about white people. That was classic.”
I believe the grand total was 1,495. And amazingly, the list did not include Rick Roll.
Oh gosh,
“black women tend not to be attracted to me” - Chris
“being light-skinned and “talking white” makes you adverse to black women” - - Angry ver 3.2
“They shoulda stepped up when I was single…” - Devil
Light skin black men are you all here saying the problem is that black women didn’t hit on you when you were single? Or are you saying that black women frequently turned down your advances? It’s a horse of a different color you know, a woman won’t step if she thinks you yourself wouldn’t be attracted. Typical black woman doesn’t look like a typical video girl(latina or super light girl with long hair) could be media messages bring her confidence down. Sure it’s not miscommunications leading to complications?
I just can’t picture a woman saying: “you go away now good looking and smart man because your skin is light”
I’m not sure what a paper mill smells like, never noticed the smell of paper. Is it anything like wood. Wood has a nice smell. Carpenters smell nice at Christmas time (like wood and pine oil, yum)
You dang light skinned men I asked you like eight questions. We were sharing. . . Answer me! Answer me! Damn you………………Answer meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!
I have to agree with you on that, Stuff Black People Hate. It’s a strange thing to have your an Irish grandmother and my skin color and have to explain that I wasnt adopted.
I get the whole thing with you and women because that happened to me a lot at your age. Hey if that Asian girl is peeping you and she’s letting you know it, go for yours…
Great Blog Bro…Salud
“I just can’t picture a woman saying: “you go away now good looking and smart man because your skin is light””
Unfortunately, most of the occasions I have to meet black women are in ‘meat market’ situations (e.g. clubs, bars, lounges). This happens for two reasons:
1.) Most people meet their girlfriends/wives through friends of friends. While I have a lot of black friends, I don’t have as many black friends as many other black people. This limits my access to black women who don’t have their shields up like they do in clubs. The few black women I have met through friends of friends are invariably already in relationships.
2.) I don’t have many ‘black’ hobbies. You don’t find a lot of black women doing what I like to do in my spare time - mountain biking, native dance, hiking/camping, mosaic art, etc. I’m an outdoorsy guy, but most of the black women I’ve meet tend to be indoor girls.
Now, back to the clubs. An interesting thing happens at meat markets: women who happen to be on their own tend to be fairly approachable. Unfortunately this rarely ever happens because black women, like most women, do EVERYTHING in packs.
Black women in groups can be incredibly mean-spirited. I hate to say it, but it’s sometimes like you all are having a contest to see who can crush a guy’s spirit the hardest. Me approaching a black woman surrounded by her friends proceeds thusly about 90% of the time:
1.) I make eye contact with the girl, she smiles
2.) I ignore what I know will happen next, and approach her (surrounded by her friends) anyway
3.) The friends give me the “who the fuck are you?” look
4.) The target girl seems to realize I’m getting this look from her friends. Her attitude shifts from being interested in me to being interested in impressing her friends by curb-stomping my advances. This all happens before even one word has been exchanged
5.) I introduce myself. One or more friends snickers about me being a ‘white boy’ or ‘high yella’. She says this loud enough for me to hear, but quietly enough for it to have plausibly been an accident. I laugh it off and introduce myself to the friends. They reluctantly introduce themselves back. I chat them up to disarm them. It never works with black women.
6.) After a couple minutes of inane smalltalk and enduring more snickers from her friends, I ask the girl if she’d like to talk somewhere else in the club 1 on 1 (away from the crows that surround her). She flatly says ‘no’. Her friends are ecstatic at her meanness.
7.) Admiral Furious taps me on the shoulder and points out the white girl that’s been eye-fucking me for the last 10 minutes. I go talk to her. Black girls are enraged. I could care less.
This isn’t to say that non-black girls in clubs and bars never cockblock each other, but they’re generally much less guarded and, even when they decide to reject you, they don’t usually feel the need to pile drive your soul into the earth.
On the club scenario… You gotta find the black girl who’s with only 1-2 white girls or with a mixed crowd! LoL… I’m kind of talking shit though. I only have 2 black female friends and one is my “big sister” because she’s like 10-11 years older than me and the other is my best friend but she goes to school in Alabama so… It’s kind of like I have NO black female friends. I say this to say, black girls do similar things to me in the club and I’m not trying to get at them. It’s like, they can’t stomach the fact that I with some white chick or a mixed crowd and my one friend that I always roll with has a STRONG preference for black men and this does not bother me and apparently it’s supposed to because she’s white. IDK… Black women tend not to like me so you and I are similar in that aspect. I’m glad black men don’t seem to mind me.
@ Anmarie,
Example: “My husband is quite dark and yes-I’ll admit….I would deliberately avoid light skinned men or men who were of mixed race. I felt that these men came with too many issues.”
As quoted by, you guessed it, Uhura.
This is a prime example of the general attitude I have received, along with a PINPOINT example story as offered by Chris. I don’t get it, and to be honest, I really don’t care anymore. I know who I am, and back when I was single I was well worth your time and energy. None of them saw it that way, they just wanted to run their game then get mad when I gave an unspoken “fuck you” by talking to a female of a different race. Too bad, so sad… For them anyway.
I vividly remember one evening several years ago a friend of mine (very attractive dark skinned woman) turning down a tall light skinned gentleman who had all of the women in the venue drooling. I asked her why it was that she did not give him her number or acknowledge any of his flirtatious advances and her response was more than shocking.
“He was too pretty.”
Huh?
I mean no disrespect, but can any of the ladies please explain that one?
my nigga chris is a g. thats why YOU don’t pick up girls in the club. i have a girlfriend but yeah, besides do you really want to be with a girl you met at a club? fuck no.
The pretty boy rejection is a popular one. Women want a man that is attractive but they don’t necessarily want the man that everyone else is drooling over. Mostly this is explained by insecurities and fear of having to “kill that nigga” when/if he cheats.
Unfortunately for the women who subscribe to this way of thinking…ugly men cheat too!!
I personally love a pretty ass dude. I just need him to be able to perform FOM (thanks for the term SBPH)!
@Admiral
Hmmm I came up with two explanations for your friend not wanting to talk to that dude cos he was “too pretty” .
1. He really is too ‘pretty’ and frankly some women just prefer more masculine looking men.
2. When you are with a REALLY attractive guy, other women will stare slack-jawed and do quadruple-takes when passing you both by. They will then divert their attention to the female with him, and wonder what that heffer has/did to get this gourgeous man. They will slowly assess the female from the top to bottom …slowly… looking for imprefections and such. Also he will probably get more females throwing themselves at him than that potential date could take… and since she wouldnt always be there to claw other women’s eyes out for making a pass at her man, he was therefore deemed too much trouble. Some ppl just cant handle that.
“Some ppl just cant handle that.”
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to the Admiral…
AHAHAHA @ “He was too pretty”
My theory as to why Black American women do this is some twisted way to embrace blackness and equate blackness to masculinity. It’s just another form of colorism, like a reverse Brown Paper Bag Test - if that makes sense. Since for so long we deemed White as Right, Black women treat fair-skinned men like shit as some sort of get-back. I know, it’s screwy, but in some women’s minds it seems right.
Also, the “He was too pretty’ comment could be just that, not that deep. Maybe he was just too pretty. I know I’ve said that about all shades of mankind, not just the ones that resemble Prince. But if a man looks TOO well-groomed, TOO manicured, it’s a red-flag to some women.
And sorry for being long-winded but, to comment on the club scenario. I’m sorry that happens/has happened to you guys. I see it all of the time and feel bad, for guys in general who approach a group of Black girls in a club, let alone fair-skinned brothers. Girls will pass over good-looking, respectful, light-skinned men for the fugliest, rudest blue-black-purple motherfuckas in the club because he bought her a drink. And it is possible to meet and build something with a chick you meet at a club/bar/lounge. Women just need to get out of their own way, give “good” guys a chance, and keep in mind that you teach others how you yourself wish to be treated (sorry for preaching).
On “Too pretty”
I blame black ass Wesley Snipes for that one. Poor Christopher Williams gets called a “pretty motherfucker” and light skinned dudes everywhere have been hearing that shit ever since. However, I’m from the midwest, and the notion of “pretty” isn’t necessarily correlated with “light skinned.” For example, I don’t think anyone would call the light skinned dudes from Bone Thus in Harmony (throw back!) “pretty.” But there are a lot of people out there still suffering from the light skinned backlash of the 1990s, and as a result, get passed over for the Malik Yoba’s and Morris Chestnut’s of the world because they seem more “black,” and therefore less “pretty.”
On Chris’ preference:
I used to really have an issue with interracial dating. I just about found it offensive. Then I got older and more bitter - angry even- and realized that I was only hurting myself for not expanding my search criteria. All around me were perfectly viable candidates - non black ones that enjoyed the company of my black ass regardless. Then one day, a short, light skinned, half-indian, white-talking engineer (coincidence) showed up at my doorstep (enticed by the promise of food) and it occurred to me that maybe Mr. Mandigo isn’t always where its at. . . I married that guy, by the way. . .
So continue to do what makes you comfortable and regular black girls like me will simply have to get over it.
With that being said, I still haven’t been able to make any non white friends, so if you’re interested in a nice white-talking black girl with a big booty, shot me a holler. I got hoes.
p.s. I may have said this before, but this is an awesome site.
OK. Here it is, or at least my version. I’m fairly masculine looking, but I have been called too pretty on more than one occasion. I’m not considered black by most anyone I meet, as I am less than 1/8th black, but also less than 1/8th white. That said, I don’t have any discernable black features. Luckily, I did get one of Big Charles’ key genetic gifts thank God. Reference point: Big Charles was one of the first slaves sold in the state of Maryland, and is an ancestor of mine and this blog’s host. But I digress…
I was raised in a mostly black neighborhood, and most of my friends growing up were black, so as it turned out, most of the women I dated growing up were black or of mixed race lineage. I was able to take advantage of the relatively brief yet joyous period when black women lusted after light and fair skin men with straight or wavy hair.
But there’s a downside to the story. In my experiences, a lot of women, especially black women, want to be able to have some level of control over their men. If a woman knows you will garner lots of attention and sexual opportunities elsewhere, they will always feel a bit insecure. Also, attractive women can be quite vain, and often need constant assurance that they are still attractive. This can be overshadowed when their man is equally, or possibly MORE attractive. Also, if you aren’t in legal trouble, don’t need money, and have OPTIONS, black women feel that they aren’t really needed in your life.
An ex of mine, who was a model, ruined a night out because she said a man should never look better than his woman, and proceeded to be in a funk the rest of the night, having the attention she craved from men and women alike diminished to I’m sure an infinitesimal degree.
Let’s face it; too many black women in the US have too many issues they need to deal with before they can have the rewarding relationships that are most certainly possible. Black women have been disenfranchised and abused, and are often their own worst enemies. Stop the self-loathing, the games, and the teenage/out of wedlock pregnancies. Stop blaming women of other races of “stealing your men.” It’s OK to leave behind a “no good” guy who cheats on you, has kids by other women, and gets locked up in exchange for a really good guy with a degree and a job who doesn’t have street cred.
I didn’t ever give up on black women, it’s just that my lovely other-half turned out not to be black.
- The Devil
I’ve been reading this blog for a week, and I must say, it does get me through some rough days at work. Thanks for the laughs…. I am a pretty cynical person, at least that’s what my last girlfriend says, but I would like to think I am more on the side of apathetic, which probably explains why I can tolerate some things on here that would disgust your average American. Again, I would like to say thanks and keep up the blogging. May I dare to say your next topic will be interracial dating? Certainly this would bring a hailstorm of fire and brim down on your website at the hands of black women, which may actually help you with your black woman woes because we all know that black women love assholes. Can’t wait to hear the responses……
For those who may be confused by the Devil’s statement:
“I am less than 1/8th black, but also less than 1/8th white”
and my statement:
“My unofficial black blood quantum is somewhere between 1/4 and 1/2, depending on how much Indian ancestry is attributed to my mother…”
The Devil and I are half-brothers, having different mothers.
Meaning our Father has two baby-mama situations. At least they were under successive and legitimate holy matrimonies on both counts…
Also, let me point out that, as I predicted, foretold, and prophesied years ago, black women’s key competitive advantage, namely The Booty, has been replicated by other races quite nicely thank you very much
I do love a nice Boo-Tay. Smack it up, flip it, rub it down.
- The Devil
While you guys are crying over your lot in life, there are plenty of black women out here who don’t have these issues that feel slighted just the same. The studies actually show that the more educated a black woman is the more likely she is to end up unmarried and alone. I know far more women who are qualified, lovely, educated and without a shitload of baggage than men who are alone with the same attributes. In fact, most of the guys I know that have no steady woman in their life are in that position because they CHOOSE to be.
I love my male friends but they enjoy the fact that they pretty much run the tables in relationships. All of my female friends are attractive, range in different colors, have advanced degrees (lawyers, computer engineers, epidemiologists, doctors, etc.) and still single. Men come in their life and out because they can. If you start to have expectations and act like this is a relationship, they go running for the hills. I am not saying that they are all perfect but these women are articulate, caring, intellectual and attractive and still no long-term prospects.
For myself, my black male friends say that a man has to be serious if he wants to date me because I am the type you marry not have a good time with. That doesn’t seem very useful because if you don’t date me how in the hell do we get to marriage. Ultimately, I am not sitting and waiting for some black guy to finish sewing his oats and then be ready to settle down with me. Right now it feels like men of other races are the ones that respect me, my career and want to take the time to know me for who I am right now.
It goes both ways. Black women are alone and apparently, black men may be alone too. All I know is that the fabulous women I know drop men for reasons that are legitimate such as DL potential, uneducated, no job, been in jail before or pending incarceration, more than 1 to 2 children, liars, cheaters, terrible sex, abusive, and/or ignorant. Trust me, there aren’t that many eligible Black men around to eliminate them for something so arbitrary as levels of melanin.
*** DISCLAIMER-I curse plenty and I don’t use proper punctuation or spell words correctly when I type on blogs and what not, so be prepared for that… and if you “hate when people do that shit (EBP), THEN DON’T READ MY SHIT)***
Ok so I emailed Chris before I happened across this session to get answers to these very questions (and also asked him why he didn’t go to Howard…my EBP joke…
anyway, i’m brand spankin new to SBPH and I saw a pic of chris and immediately i was like damn he cute and thats why i was so curious to find out why this funny ass, cute ass, entertaining ass cat wasnt snatched up…and now i see why
Im the girl in my crew that goes for his type. light everything, slightly dorky(no pun intended)personality for days, and quick on his feet(he can keep up with my rampant assholeness) and i also get dogged for it. All my girls come in an array of colors and mixes (majority black tho) and when ever we in a meat market(ha) or some other function, as soon as the pretty boy appears..they already know, most likely he’s my target. Their preferences are the darker skinned dudes or the brown ones, they wouldnt be caught dead w/ a light dude cause they attribute his color to a lack of edge.
Now i am an equal opportunity employer, i have no preference. I JUST LIKE SEXY.PLAIN OL WEBSTERS DICTIONARY ASS SEXY.He could be all the colors of the rainbow, if he sexy to me than he has a fighting chance. Its just that in all of my dating experiences, most of the time, the person that was sexy to me was a light brite and I always get knocked for it
Me and friends have had hours long debates about conditioning from the media and how my tendency to ‘lay light’ is because the media has beat this ‘light is right’ image in my head through television and the omission of darker skinned faces in mass media. hey this may be true, but they fail to acknowledge that my damn daddy is light and hell im caramel gotdammit, so why wouldn’t i be attracted to people who arms match mine when we side by side
furthermore (i type alot but i dont give a shit so) its real easy to see how chris and men in similar situations can become less inclined towards black girls when they always get rejected. But it goes both ways.When we are in the club(and what the fuck is wrong with meeting someone in a club, got damn where the hell do you go when you want to fuckin walk it out, the jazz spot?(i dont even care for jazz so there!)Ya’ll act like club people dwell in caves shrouded in darkness then the clock strikes night and then come out to feed or something.We just trying to dance and maybe laugh at a few people, its just something to do, shit!How bout using my method for all venues-if someone strikes your fancy or comes at you correct, give them a chance-that doesnt mean prejudge them and say they aint shit cause they IN THE SAME CLUB YO ASS IS IN but maybe give them that club convo(which i despise, you trying to get to know me while Ah skeet skeet skeet is blaring)or first phonecall/first meeting to see what they about THEN write em off after you are sure its not a fit(i digress)
I was saying that when we can tell that a black man is leaning towards the “other” girl we are more guarded and unresponsive because we feel like you DONT WANT US so therefore your hesitation and our hesitation transfers into you thinking WE DONT WANT YOU and the age old “failure to communicate” rears it ugly head. Just because X amount of black girls was cool on you don’t mean all black girls will and vice versa
So I dont know if my lil speech helped any of you guys but dammit it felt good to me to get it out so
any questions?
@Keta,
Dang girl you just put it out there and I gotta say it. You sound skrait ghetto but you’re funny as hell and I sho ain’t mad at a fello alum! I feel you about the so called “light skinned preference”. I love all black men but tend to lean toward the lighter hue, not cause I dislike chocolate brothas but because the one I tend to click with happen to be light. And I think I have the same preferences as you so we betta not be in the same club cause we gon be fightin’!!!
@Chris and expecially Devil - Don’t hate on all black women simply because of the few idiots you had bad experiences with. I like this blog….its freakin hilarious but I’m kinda getting pissed cause I’m being tarred with the same brush. I am a black woman but I’m not jealous or mistrustful of light skinned men any more than any other man. It looks like this particular blog is turning into “Lets bash Black Women” and that’s not fair. I mean how many fatherless black children are out there? I’m mean Chris, you live in ATL, isn’t that where the male/female ratio is like 10 women for evey one man? Duh why wouldn’t there be trust issues??? True, both of you got treated real shabbily by some trifling black women for some real trifling reasons… so are you deciding that all of us are the same? It sure is sounding like that. Anyhoo Chris, I’m mad you’re profile is cute as hell and you’ve left DC. Damn, Damn, DAMN!!
Sue Darling,
While I do appreciate your affinity for my jokes and apparent wisdom, I certainly do not like being referred to as straight ghetto. Just like a true EBP, I sincerely despise this comment. I put the disclaimer up to give all future readers a heads up, that this passage would be written extra basic and peppered with typos and what not. I am not a super type-ologist (ha), and communicating my sentiments thoroughly and effectively would take too damn long, and would read so damn dry. Thus, I choose not to.
Hell, you liked it that way right? Exactly.
In the future, please pay attention and read the disclosures, cause next time my dear, you will see what else I can “straight” be.
Ta Ta Bitches…
HU!
Allyson,
Where the fuck were you and your friends when I was in college and single? [ laughing out loud ] First off, I am very happily married to a white woman who has given me two incredibly beautiful daughters, Peyton (5), and Afton(2 1/2). Plus she puts up with my bullocks.
…however, when I was in the “life”, I had very similar experiences. I was just fucked because I was always too white for black women because of the way I spoke (my mum is british) and well white girls fell into two categories:
1. I could only go out with them if I was on my way to get jumped into a gang after robbing a liquor store while drinking a forty, rollin’ a blunt, and getting my hair corn rolled. And if I didn’t call her bitch or hoe a least three times every 10 minutes I was out.
2. Or I had to out “country-club” the white guy she was already dating. Luckily my mum was a prominent attorney so I could afford it…for a while.
In college though things lightened up a little bit, but not much. At the University of Colorado in the late 80’s dating black women was pretty fucking hard. I blame Spike Lee, School Daze fucked every dark skin black dude like me in college for at least a decade.
Like the author of this blog I was really never into what black women considered “black”, so I struggled to date black women like my mum always wanted. I’ve always thought black women are beautiful though.
I’m 37 have two degrees and I am currently working on a third. I had two degrees when I was in the “life”, and was told I was fairly attractive, but still couldn’t get a sista to give me a go. I did what any self respecting black man would do…I started dating other races.
Why are black women so hard on black men, and then talk shit when we jump race? I would have loved to have dated someone like Allyson (professional, career-oriented, educated, sane, no-babies daddies, takes care of her self i.e. doesn’t wear fucking house shoes to the grocery store while hair is nappy).
Sue,
That’s isn’t me on the title image of the site, that’s one of my loyal and favorite fans. Pictures of my funny looking self can be found on the ‘Europe’, ‘Grocery Shopping’, and ‘Author’ pages. I am still a DC resident, where sometimes it feels like the male/female ratio is 400,000/1.
I hope I personally haven’t come off as bashing black women - that wasn’t my intent. People asked me to explain why I’ve dated an overwhelming majority of non-black women, and this is the unfiltered and unfortunate truth. The situations I’ve mentioned above are not exaggerated. They’re real, and represent the real difficulties I’ve had approaching black women, but I certainly don’t assume that all black women behave this way especially since I’ve dated them.
The problem is that enough black women have behaved this way toward me for it to affect my judgment. Based on what’s happened in the past, I tend not to approach black women (when there’s a group of them) when I have other options that are statistically more friendly.
So to end on a positive note, I’ll offer this advice to all my black women out there: if you see that guy in the room that you like and you ‘make eyes’ with him, get away from your friends for a minute and make yourself approachable.
So while we are swimming in club misconceptions, can someone please answer me this…
Why don’t men holler any more?
While I am in the ‘field’ I have noticed a few things. There will be these guys that give me all this eye contact (every time I look up he got me in his peripheral), they just so happen to be everywhere I am (I’m at the bar, he at the bar, I gotta pee, he gotta pee) or they are trying their best to inadvertently get my attention (dancing all chris brownish in front of me, being extra animated or ultra suave with his every move) and then some even have the gall to grab my damn arm when I walk by or say something random/witty to get my attention.
And then there are those men that do come up to you and engage you in conversation and then keep it moving.
So with that being said, I am a firm believer in the “he’s not that into you” mentality. Im like hey if he really wanted me then he would have hollered and leave it at that. But this is always a recurring topic amongst the gals because we just don’t get it…
Why do ya’ll act all extra interested with your actions but fail to ask for the number?
Do tell…
***And no I’m not a monster, I’m actually damn cute…and I’ll prolly be the first black angry chick up in this piece by manana
I be lovin this site cause errbody talks SHIT!
@ keta
That is SO true. I blame it on these new age women who, for example, will actually ask a guy to buy them a drink versus waiting for one to be offered. It is not expected for a woman to play coy anymore. Women have become the aggressors! I am new to the Northeast (by way of VA) and see it ALL the time. It’s like they so man hungry that they lose their minds. What this adds up to in my mind is lazy black men who feel they don’t need to holla at you cuz you should’ve holla’d at them!
Oh word i didn’t know i was supposed to holla now. Thanks for the heads up. I thought being the aggressor is a FOM. Dang these new age girly men whatever happended to clubbing a woman and dragging her to the cave.
Hey wow, I love where one questions goes, Still no one has told me what a paper mill smells like.
I asked about the dating situation hoping to find further understanding maybe something that’s not so depressing, I’ve heard all this before from black men of all colors and I hear similar complaints from black women about their male counter parts. Damn we really have some issues with one another. Here’s the thing, men and women are saying the same thing and not listening to each other and then there’s all the blame.
1. All people are fucked up not just blk women or men for that matter; it starts with our parents, or maybe original sin. Finding someone with who’s willing to make a commitment if that is in fact you want is going to be difficult regardless.
2. Black people are fucked that much more with the legacy of slavery, hate, racism passed down like genes. In terms of our sexuality we deal with fighting against and internalizing this type of thing: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Venus_hottentot and
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/ManDingo_%28porn_star%29 Somehow we’ve been convinced it’s all about cock and ass.
3. Thought to distrust each other because of skin color, hair, gender, class, etc. Tutsis are better than Hutus, anyway.
Whatever I’m gonna bottom line this thing from my perspective:
Women are mostly turned on by the Tactile; Men are mostly turned on by the Visual.
Women see a big ole thug looking dude assume he can throw down in bed, and he looks big and strong and black so oohwee manly (you’ve been hoodwinked), even if he doesn’t have a future to speak of, or a plan to take care of his family, women will attempt to make a dollar of 50 Cent (ha get it!). Pass up the “nerdy”/ “different”/ “light skin” dude and wonder why they just get played again.
Men see a huge booty in something skin tight and long weave get turned on because Viacom has convinced you this is what’s hot, walk past the “nerdy”/ “different”/ “dark skin”/ “natural hair”/ “short hair” lady and step up to get surprised that she too is all about the superficial, worried about what everyone else will think or to willing to write you off based on some foolish ideal, when basically you’re doing the same thing.
Most people don’t really have to be alone; most good looking women have some sweet dorky dude checking for her and most good looking men can pull wonderful and pretty women though she might not have the longest hair or she may have a bit of a belly. Let’s be real and grown up folks very few people in the world are a total packages of everything we want. But whatever, we all have our preferences. And date who you want obviously, but it seems:
When we start dating outside our race it’s all about who’s willing to love me for me, awwwe. But when we’re dealing with each other it’s all about who’s got the best cock and ass and if we’re Educated Black People, who’s got the best cock and ass with a degree. I don’t know why we have to be so hard on each other perhaps it’s the “post traumatic slave syndrome”.
A paper mill smells like hot shyt.. That’s the only way I can explain it. If you ever drive from ATL down 75 south and pass through Macon , you may have the unfortunate experience of smelling a paper mill. That’s the only place I have been and had that disgusting experience.
Regarding the dating scene. When the hell did it get so fucking complex?! light vs dark..white vs black? And the nicca’s ain’t buying drinks anymore?! WTF?! I am glad I got out when I did. I just can’t see myself being aggressive enough to approach a dude and then buy him a drink?!
Mr. Smith-my words are most certainly NOT a prime example of the attitude that you encounter.
My statement was that when I was dating, I tended to avoid light skinned Black men and men of mixed race because they often came with too many issues. You somehow skipped over the part where I stated that I was an active participant in interracial dating.
Mr. Smith, my preference had nada to do with colorism or being frightened of going out with a good looking man …which are actually the issues and the attitude that you are encountering. My preference was akin to screeening out men who had children out of wedlock, men that had been previously married, or men that came from anything other than two parent homes (all of which I did as well.)
These are legitimate screening criteria.
This is keta here… I changed my name the business woman just because…
Anyway, whats up with the two parent home thing? That’s way out of line. I know many of losers who got it from they in house mentor. Two parents don’t mean better honey…
Oh no no Uhura, allow me to apologize.
It just so happens, in my lifetime, your words were a picture perfect example of my experiences. No offense to you, but in all that I have experience, this just hit the nail on the head. My last sentence was improper
I did miss the part where by “came with too many issues” I did not assume you meant the ones that you meant had children out of wedlock men that had been previously married, or men that came from anything other than two parent homes. *This last one I find is a little bit unfair and I’m a bit biased towards because it’s not like they had control over than. Coincidentally, I have never dated a girl who had two parents, and both of my parents who have been in their loving relationship for over 27 years both came from a broken home*
My “Why Black Women of Any Melanin Didn’t Like Me” list is as follows:
1. I talk “too white”
2. Untrustworthy (BECAUSE I’m light, not any previous interaction with this person or anything they have observed I have done. I have yet to understand this until this day)
3. Light skinned guys are sneaky (refer to #2 explanation)
4. Too pretty
5. “You date (insert non- black race) girls” (obviously because you wouldn’t!)
It was a frustrating experience that I took offense to because I used to watch BET and listen to 95.5 in DC and tried my best to live up to their standard (or down now that I see it from way up here). Eventually, I learned to accept myself and I settled down with a girl who loved me for who I am. And for that, I couldn’t be happier
By my last sentence was improper I meant this one:
“As quoted by, you guessed it, Uhura”
My apologies fam.
Anmarie,
a papermill smells like shit I’m pretty sure [laughing].
thebusinesswoman-
At the time, I believed: males from stable, two-parent homes are better equipped to act as husbands and fathers than males who were raised in other types of homes. At that that time, I also believed: such men are uaually much more interested in marriage and family than men who were raised in other types of homes.
I realize that many people will disagree with and even be insulted by what I just said, but they would be dead wrong and in deep denial.
I also realize that many people will state that the screening criteria I mentioned are unfair. That statement is ASSININE because there is no such thing as fair screening criteria when it comes to dating, mating, and marriage.
Every grown up knows this.
Now-before mofos come into my face with tales of folks they know from broken homes who turned out to be good husbands / wives / fathers / mothers-allow me to say this: STFU.
Your tales about exceptions to the rule do not disprove the rule: A child’s parenting / familial situation forms the basis / template for their adult relationships.
Now…make no mistake…People can and do choose paths different from their upbringing, but MOST people simply DON’T.
Mr. Smith:
As far as your list goes-none of the items listed have anything to do with why I avoided mixed race men or black men who were light skinned. I am thinking you comprehend that at this point. The truth is: Black folks have color issues. If you were dark, you’d have a different set of women rejecting you. What we have here is a case of The World “as it should be” versus how it “is”.
For example - I realized a long time ago that if I had green eyes and long, straight, silky hair-my life would have been way wa-a-ay different. Just like if I were a blond with the last name of Kennedy or Rockefeller or Trump-my life would be wa-a-ay different. WHY harp and lament on that shit? I chose to play the hand life dealt me-after all…What else can you really do????
By the way-don’t feel bad…I was (and am) a personal victim of the “yew tawlk too White” thing.
@Thebusinesswoman (keta)
I apologize for ghetto comment. I actually meant no disrespect but was just reacting as I would to my girls(”girl you so ghetto!”). However, since you don’t know me like that it was an improper comment to make so again, I apologize.
@Chris
Nah you didn’t come off as a basher but others were. I mean the comments were getting nasty and I was thinking “Damn! bitter much?”
Tsk, tsk, tsk. You really shoulda gone to HU. There are so many people there that look exactly like you its not funny. God it was like being in a candy store….so many fine brothas! Light, chocolate, caramel, honey ooooooh! I just got goosebumps reminiscing! Anyhoo, this is the first I’m hearing about “light skinned men being sneaky”. WTF??? Most of us have family members in just about every hue you could think of so this just seems stupid to me. Dude you grew up in DC though and based on my experiences there and my experiences now in Baltimore….man you grew up dealing with some real ignorant people. Its a shame that that ignorance is what shaped your perception of black women.
This is very interesting. I don’t even know how to jump in, but I’ll just add my personal observations:
-I’m a light complextioned female with curly/wavy hair. I have noticed that most of the men who seem to be attracted to me are medium brown to dark complextioned. White men have only recently discovered me, though I am not at all interested in going there.
-I like brothers of all complextions, but I am now realizing that I do have somewhat of a….subconcious leaning towards tall light-skinned guys. I think it’s because I have a tall light-skinned daddy who I have made the prototype for my ideal mate.
-I have never heard that light-skinned men are sneaky or distrustful. HOWEVER, I am guility of writing brothers off (of all complextions) who “look like they don’t like Black girls”.
-I frown on interracial dating, especially Black men and non-Black women. I try to be open minded, but I just don’t think it’s right. It’s too many good, fine sisters out here that are single for our brothers to leave us high and dry.
-I think this convo ended yesterday, so I am probably just talking to myself now.
-Yeah, that seems to be the case.
-Agreed.
‘I frown on interracial dating, especially Black men and non-Black women. I try to be open minded, but I just don’t think it’s right. It’s too many good, fine sisters out here that are single for our brothers to leave us high and dry.”
i hear you, although people should be free to date whomever, I hate the bitterness i hear from black people towards the opposite sex of the same race. I think to many black men have closed off themselves to us based on childhood or early experiences with the opposite sex. But I’m sure that most white men have bad experiences with women but they don’t turn it into a white women this and white women that situation. It seems we black folks get bitter with the opposite sex very easily and we don’t stop to think that it might be because history and society has taught us to be bitter with ourselves.
From my experience all to often I’ve had black men compliment my “good hair”, especially when I wore it long an straight. And just love the fa