Figure 1: “When you get sad, stop being sad and be awesome instead.” -Anonymous
Shhhhhh…listen. Do ye hear that? Turn down the TV, step away from any noise, and listen well…
‘Tis the sound of crying. A deep guttural wailing, much of it coming from the south (and Boston) where the racists dwell.
Harken left! ‘Twas quick. Doth ye hear it, still?
Shattered porcelain, and a ringing. Metal discs rotate quickly and come noisily to rest, but one rogue of silver-gray rolls toward a wall to be rescued by a pale hand nigh it’s collision. The face-in-relief of the first President doesn’t look at the boy. It just seems to stare to the left, out the window, or perhaps at the pink shards of its former prison. It’s been freed from it’s cage for the first time; the little racist boy with the big racist father having smashed his piggy bank.
$6.66. It will have to be enough to order the murder of the dark candidate from the North. He knows the black lord cannot be defeated fairly: for he will cross cutlass with a mere skeleton.
Bottoms up on ye grog me hearties, yo ho! The nomination is Barack’s!
I wrote myself a Haiku to celebrate:
Rednecks are sobbing
Black men sprint to the White House
McCain is too old
In continued celebration of what I hope to God is the inevitable, I’m keeping the new Barack Obama banner at the top of the site for at least one week. He is our honorary angry black man, and yes he is angry no matter how much you see him smile.
I’d like to know how everyone else celebrated and otherwise reacted to the news of the clinching of the nomination. I, for one, stood on my balcony laughing like an absolute maniac for fifteen minutes and, I shit you not, was joined in my bellowing guffaws by three black people and one white guy in the next building over.
Sorry, Hil-Dawg. You fought one hell of a fight:
- You first declared a top-down candidacy that you labeled ‘inevitable’, running on a platform as an establishment candidate.
- When that didn’t work, you called yourself a candidate of change.
- When that didn’t work, you compared your rival’s candidacy to that of Jesse Jackson - and you even cried a little.
- But that didn’t work either, so you tried to quash the black vote by appealing to Black vs. Latin sentiment.
- When that strategy fell on its ass, you resorted to good old Clintonian/Rovian scare tactics, taking out red phone ads and even calling John McCain more qualified for the job.
- Then you really dug into the shit pit making tacit claims that Obama wasn’t good enough for white voters. Of course…that didn’t work either.
- When it finally became clear you might actually lose, you went completely apeshit.
- First, you started making dubious claims that you were ahead in the popular vote (so long as you count Michigan and Florida, and exclude all caucus votes). You tried to convince the DNC that this heavily-altered popular vote was the criteria for taking the nomination. The Clintons actually tried to move the goalposts of a decades-established election playing field to suit their needs at the moment. THAT, my friends, is how you act WHITE.
- Second, you suddenly decided that Michigan and Florida were the most important states in the universe. Quietly brushing over the fact that you initially supported the DNC’s punishment of those states for breaking the rules, you fought to get all their delegates reinstated…and you fucking SUCCEEDED!
Ever since Iowa, you tried to latch on to an ‘underdog’ status and, at the very least, convince everyone that you were a tenacious fighter. But here’s the thing, ’sweetie’ (as my idol would say) - Obama was the one fighting the establishment candidate. Obama was the one who prevailed despite your SUCCESSFULLY changing the rules of the game THROUGHOUT the primary season. Obama was the one who prevailed despite your scare tactics, racist divide-and-conquer strategy, and even your outright lies fed to and swallowed by the media. Yes, Hill, you are quite possibly the most incredible fighter I’ve ever seen…
…but Obama outfought YOU.
God Bless America.
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