Nigger

29 08 2008

This is the final post, and we all knew this was coming…

Nigger. The word is foul. It is at the very tip top of a tall pyramid of racial slurs used for black people - the people for whom more flagrant racial slurs exist than any other race.

Figure 1: The Big Damn Pyramid of Black Lexical Hate

Notwithstanding the atrociousness of the word itself, ‘Nigger’ has had a very interesting history. It naturally started out as a dismissive term used by whites to describe blacks, and it didn’t even necessarily have racist connotations. It remained in this form until the 19th century, when the term slowly transformed from racial to racist. The racist connotation of ‘nigger’ came to a head during the Civil Rights movement, by whose time the word had gone well beyond descriptive and dismissive, becoming instead an angry and proactive way to harshly degrade blacks (in parallel with the term ‘boy’ applied to grown fucking men).

Then came the hip hop generation, and the shit got complicated. Namely, black people started using the word everywhere from the corner store to the recording studio in what has widely been regarded as an effort to ‘take back’ the word and remove its harmful power. However good the intentions were in doing this, a single clear negative consequence arose…

Well-meaning whites started thinking it was OK to say it, too.

Figure 2: Viacom Viacom fucking goddamn Viacom

Oddly enough, when black people started using the word, non-blacks (whites in particular) wanted to convince themselves that the word ceased to be as a racial slur, and that it was OK for everyone to use it. Ignoring the patent weirdness of so-called non-racist white people being so eager to call black people ‘niggers’, every black person in America has certainly heard a non-black person make the following statement with complete and utter sincerity:

“I don’t get it. I mean, if black people can say it then why can’t I?”

This person is usually named ‘Chad’ and looks like this fucking guy:

Figure 3: Chad Biffington Toddwell IV

Before I address Chad, I need to explain something. Black people, like all people, have what’s called a boiling point. A boiling point is a person’s psychological threshold which, when crossed, causes that person to lose control of his or her normally functioning self. Each time a person is angered, fucked with, betrayed, or otherwise ill-treated, that person gets closer to his boiling point. Interestingly, race tends to be the determining factor in the behavior that results when a person actually reaches his boiling point. For example:

Figure 4: Losing their Shit (l to r): Whites, Asians, Arabs, Hispanics, Blacks

When Chad asks a black person “why can’t I say ‘nigger’”, 95% of black people reach their boiling point IMMEDIATELY. Contrary to popular belief, though, a black person who reaches his boiling point will usually not shoot you, shank you, or date your daughter…he will simply shut down intellectually. A blank, idiotic look creeps over his face, after which he will try to give you a response, but the words simply don’t come. He shakes his head and walks away exasperated, leaving Chad with the mistaken impression that he has a good point.

Figure 5: The goat-like stare of a black man (the author) at his boiling point

Fortunately, I’ve heard the Chad Question so many times that I’ve developed a scripted response to it:

Chad: “I don’t get it. I mean, if black people can say it then why can’t I?”
Me: “Do you have a girlfriend?”
Chad: “Uh, yea…”
Me: “Do you fuck her?”
Chad: “…..yeah….”
Me: “Cool. Mind if I fuck her?”
Chad: “DUDE! NOT COOL!”
Me: “I don’t get it. I mean, if you can fuck her then why can’t I?”

Unfortunately, this response isn’t given nearly often enough, so now we’re at the point where white people are so comfortable with the word ‘nigger’ that it can be heard, uncensored, on television programs that won’t even allow vaginas (not women) to be referred to as ‘pussies’. Abso-fucking-lutely amazing.

Barack Obama winning the presidency combined with newfound white comfort with the ‘N’ word will create the perfect storm of conditions for The Man to declare racism legally dead. After that, the only way we’ll be able to get them to examine their own inherent racsim will be to show them pictures of my friends like this one and demand they recognize how angry/uncomfortable they became:

Figure 6: Beige babies, anyone?


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Reverse Racism

18 08 2008

America was founded on divisions of race. It can be argued that the story of the country became largely white vs. red after the French and Indian War. After the Revolution and over time as frontiers turned into settled country, those established parts of the country - particularly in the south - were focused on white vs. black. Then the ‘immigrants’ came in. Whitey was constantly defending himself from the onslaught of various minorities (in the words of the immortal Dave Chappelle - “niggers, jews, a-rabs, homosexuals, mexicans, and all them different kinds of chinks…”) attempting to stake a claim in the American dream.

Figure 1: Let’s face it. This is all they were really scared of.

While white people have enjoyed and even relished in the role of Oppressor for the past few centuries, two phenomena are beginning to take its place. One is the ever recognizable white guilt, which spawns everything from white women who are willing only to date black men, to the pre-2008 Clintons, to Wiggers. There is, however, a growing community of white people who are fed up with white guilt but stop well short of being white supremacists (who have never subscribed to white guilt). The most interesting thing about this group is that a growing number of non-whites, particularly asians, are joining their ranks.

This is the community of people who attempt to negate the cascading effects of hundreds of years of slavery and institutionalized racism by trying to convince black people (and everyone else) that they also face ‘discrimination’ and have a similar history of oppression. This is why it’s so popular these days for white people to claim Irish ancestry - the Irish are perhaps the only group of white people in America that were ever systematically stigmatized by the dominant society. I refer to these people as Mark 2’s, which is what I’d assume U.S. Marines would call idiots running around yelling “ME TOO!” when other people discuss racism.

The typical Mark 2 will usually cite some trite instance where black (or white) people made them uncomfortable and compare that to the lingering effects of several centuries of slavery, Jim Crow, gentrification, modern day institutionalized racism, and semi-conscious stigmatization that black people have to deal with EVERY SINGLE MOTHERFUCKING DAY OF THEIR LIVES. For the visual learner:

Figure 2: Inside the mind of the Mark 2

Yes, white people will point out the time when they walked onto a nearly all-black basketball court and got funny looks from people, and actually think that’s comparable to, say, black unemployment being fueled by deliberate strangulation of public transportation (which poor people need to get to interviews and to work) funding in poor black neighborhoods. Asian people will reflect on a time when a white dude made slanty eyes and yelled “ME SO SOLLY!” and thinks that’s just as damaging as the Superpredator stereotype. Fucking awesome.

The next Indian asshole to approach me and say “shut the fuck up - black people aren’t the only people that get discriminated against in this country” is going to watch in horror as I make a peace pipe out of his trachea. I wonder what a rape victim thinks when some chick who got her ass pinched by a lecherous boss walks up to her and says “You know, you’re not the only one that’s had a guy force himself on you.”

I need a fucking therapist.


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White Forgetfulness

5 08 2008

I have never had Absolut Vokda. My bar at home features a gigantic magnum bottle of Ketel One, and when I go out I tend to limit myself to K1, Belevdiere, or (if I’m feeling douchey) Grey Goose. But after seeing a certain advertisement, Absolut may be the only type of liquor I ever drink again:

Figure 1: Oh hell fucking yes…

This is an ad for Absolut that ran in Mexico several months ago, which effectively shows what the U.S. would look like if it hadn’t stolen the entire ‘Golden West’ in the Mexican-American War. The ad resulted in a firestorm of anger and caucasoid haterade, and I couldn’t possibly be any happier.

My favorite part of the outrage sparked by this ad is the stark relief of White Forgetfulness it exposes. For those who don’t know:

White Forgetfulness = (White Guilt) x -1

Most people mistakenly believe that the following equation is true:

White Supremacy = (White Guilt) x -1

But they are mistaken. White supremacy, despite being extremely caustic, is a fairly tiny, easily recognized, and popularly dismissed movement. White Forgetfulness, on the other hand, is far more pervasive, far more subtle, and far more dangerous. To elaborate more fully, White Forgetfulness is the desire of white people to forget that the greatness of the United States - and many of the race-based social ills that pervade it today - are the result of Indian blood, Black sweat, and institutionalized racism.

The Absolut Mexico ad produced a severe reaction not just because the lines of Mexico were redrawn all over America’s face - but because it wasn’t COMPLETE fantasy. As the article states, the key argument against the ad is that Mexicans (and other Central Americans funneling themselves though Mexico) are indeed ‘invading’ the United States…they’re just not doing it in the traditional military sense which would allow white people to respond with their most well-practiced prescription: SHOOT ‘EM UP!

Figure 2: For the visual learner

White Forgetfulness comes into play when those reacting negatively to the ad forget that a.) America owns California, New Mexico, Arizona, Wyoming, Colorado, Utah, and parts of several other states because we forcibly stole them from Mexico, and b.) America owns the rest of the land in its borders because it was stolen from Indians.

One of the favorite pastimes of white folks is to sit around thinking to themselves that, bit by bit and treaty by treaty, the taking of Indian land was somehow fair and legal - as if Indians were actually dumb enough to GIVE AWAY so much land in fair exchanges to Whites that, by the end of the 19th century, the remainder of us were intentionally sitting on a pile of dirt in Four Corners eating diabeetus-inducing commods with one hand and jamming our thumbs up our asses with the other.

Figure 3: Absolut Yoink

Have you ever had one of those roundtable type discussions in high school or college where you were forced to discuss issues of race in mixed company? These discussions always involve bleeding-heart liberal white douchebags, who enraged me for years until I figured out that they were gigantic piles of incarnate irony. These people are ironic because they’re white supremacists and they don’t even realize it. I will never forget the words I heard come out of the mouth of one of these guys in response to the tensions between blacks and native americans:

“It’s nuts, you know? All these tensions based on race it’s just…stupid. Life’s too short, you know? This is America. We should just forget all this bickering and just become one culture!”

The last sentence of his claim sent me into fits of laughter in a discussion that was otherwise utterly un-funny. I fell BACKWARDS out of my chair, and rolled around on the floor of the classroom howling with laughter and clutching my stomach until I was thrown out of class and told to report to detention (this happened in high school).

I’d attribute the dumbness of his claim to youth and inexperience if I hadn’t heard the same argument made by countless white people in college and even to this very day. White people make the ‘one culture’ argument in front of minorities all the time, and they do it because they think it’s what we want to hear. What they don’t know is that this argument enrages us for two reasons:

1.) It allows white people to forget about the consequences of historic racial injustice (which would persist, even if we were ‘one culture’) while continuing to reap the benefits of historic racial injustice

2.) ‘One Culture’ implies a melting pot, which is COMPLETELY impossible. For there to be one culture, there would have to be forced assimilation into an existing culture*, which is something that minorities (blacks and indians above all) are all too familiar with (think ‘YO NAME IS TOBY!‘ and Indian boarding schools with the mission ‘Kill the Indian, Save the Man’, like the one attended by my father)

The One Culture argument implies ignorance of minority issues on the part of whites, and an entirely self-serving agenda. Of course, this is typical white behavior, but it’s decidedly atypical and angering when this behavior is repackaged as a CURE for racism instead of what it is: a centuries-old racist argument for cultural genocide.

I think it’s time for a drink.

Figure 4: This is how I get over damn near everything.

* White culture, to be exact. God knows white people on the whole aren’t going to start acting like blacks, indians, asians, or hispanics, and we can’t make them, because they have all the guns.


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Subtle Racism IV: Statistics

25 07 2008

My Google Chat messages tend to be relatively extreme. One of the more recent ones stated:

“THE WHITE MAN BROUGHT THE SEX POX!”

Figure 1: Spices, Slaves, Syphillis

Personally, I was just kidding around. I really have no idea what race (assuming it’s any one race) is responsible for the Sex Pox (’Sex Pox’ is my term non-terminal sexually transmitted diseases). Upon seeing this, however, the same asian girl that was responsible for this blog starting in the first place* once again comes rushing to the defense of white people - offering this in response:

“Actually, studies show that it’s black people in Baltimore that have the majority of STDs.”

Figure 2: Asians - charging to the defense of whitey since 1878

This response is irksome for more reasons than I can count, but I’ll list the top reasons. These reasons are rooted in the argumentative flaws used by non-blacks and self-hating blacks alike when citing statistics to prove that there is something ‘wrong’ with black people:

  1. Use of a self-serving example by citing STD rates in Baltimore, which has twice as many black people as whites (65% vs. 32%). This is like saying that more Japanese people have STDs than white people in Tokyo. No shit.
  2. Failure to cite other statistics/trends that explain the discrepancy. For example, poor Blacks are far more likely to get treatment for STDs by visiting free clinics that report data on client groups to stat takers. Whites, who are more affluent and more likely to be insured, are also more likely to be treated by private clinicians and never have their data bubbled up to the census. Even if the infection rates between blacks and whites were 50/50, the reporting of infections would be (and is) heavily weighted towards blacks

Everyday, the entire country is inundated with dismal statistics about black people. These statistics are almost always presented in isolation of other statistics that FACTUALLY DEMONSTRATE why those statistics are skewed - and since no explanation is given for the skewed negative stats, people do what they’ve been conditioned to do for hundred of years: assume black people are fucking inferior. Here are some of my favorite pairs of ‘facts’ used to show the depravity of niggerdom, and the countering argument that is always left out:

————————–

Fact of Niggerdom: Blacks comprise the overwhelming majority of arrests/incarcerations for drug use
Fact Ignored: It has been demonstrated in study after study that the majority of drug users are white
Fact Ignored: Police departments around the country ADMIT TO THIS DAY the frequent and even institutional use of racial profiling in drug-related arrests

————————–

Fact of Niggerdom: The overwhelming majority of people in prison are black
Fact Ignored: Blacks are, by orders of magnitude, more likely to be sent to prison for non-violent offenses than whites
Fact Ignored: Many offenses committed by whites go unpunished by police, especially in small towns and suburbia - almost all of which are overwhelmingly white and have police officers living in the community. Police are far less likely to make an arrest on someone they know than they are on a total stranger
Fact Ignored: In black-dominated high-population cities, police tend not to live in the communities they patrol, nor do they walk foot beats and get to know people in those communities. They make more arrests in communities filled with blacks

————————–

Fact of Niggerdom: Black children are, my orders of magnitude, more likely to drop out of school than white children
Fact Ignored: Studies show that, when exhibiting the same behaviors, black children are far more likely to be placed in special education, suspended, or expelled than white children
Fact Ignored: Self-esteem issues are considered among the top root causes of drop-outs…with unfairly targeted suspensions, expulsions, and trips on the short bus doing nothing to help the trend

————————–

I don’t have the time, patience, or cardiovascular health to get into the rest, but you get the fucking picture. I don’t use these ‘mitigating’ statistics to give black criminals an excuse. Whatever color you are, if you’re snorting coke or selling crack, you belong in pound-me-in-the-ass prison.

Figure 3: This is the most insanely hilarious thing I have ever seen

My only problem is when facts of niggerdom are spilled recklessly all over the airwaves by white media to be consumed without qualification by legions of idiots who then email/IM me telling me how the latest study ‘proves’ that I should hate myself and my race.

The next person to quote negative black statistics to me is getting punched in the back of the head. If you’re convinced that my black ass is prone to violence, I might as well not disappoint you.

*Many people have asked, in response to this girl constantly coming to the defense of whitey, why I am still friends with her - to which I reply that she is no more misinformed than anyone else in the country. If I can’t be friends with her, then I can’t be friends with anybody.


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Representing

30 05 2008

One of the most annoying things about being black is the fact that, for non-blacks who don’t interact frequently with black people, the impression they have of the entire black race is typically based on the impression they got from the last black person they’ve seen.

Figure 1: And it’s always this guy.

As a result of this, conscientious black folks tend to look at themselves as ‘ambassadors’ for their race in a way virtually no other race does (or really has to). SBP (successful black people) and their nose-in-the-air EBP (educated black people)* counterparts are particularly guilty of this. In many situations, we take it upon ourselves to represent the true nature and capabilities of the race towards those whose impressions of black people come from loud and foul-mouthed children on the Metro and Yo MTV Raps. The worst part is…we do it unconsciously. At no time was I more aware of this than when I recently took a technical certification exam.

For those who don’t know, a technical certification is something you get after you take an exam to prove you know how to do something that you’ve probably been doing for years anyway. This is why technical certifications are fucking ridiculous. The typical experience involves you going to some lonely low-rent building somewhere staffed by employees who aren’t really used to people showing up. After 15 minutes of unanswered phone calls and banging on the door, someone finally wakes up and lets you in. Once you’ve filled out a little bit of paperwork, you are locked in a windowless camera-monitored room where you sit for 3 - 4 hours trying to do two things: a.) pass the test and b.) remember not to pick your nose, scratch you ass, or adjust your nuts because you know you’re being watched.

Figure 2: By this guy

You’re informed immediately whether or not you’ve passed the test, and you walk out to the office where the staffer already has your results printout which almost always has “PASS” or “FAIL” written in big bold letters somewhere. For all the tech exams I’ve taken before, I was absolutely MORTIFIED at the idea that I’d walk out of the test room and have this fucker sneering at me on the inside because I’d failed an exam. But for my most recent exam, I didn’t seem to care what the staffer thought. I had an odd sense of calm about the prospect of failing the exam which is highly uncharacteristic of me. It wasn’t until I’d passed the stupid exam and was on the train heading home when I suddenly realized why I’d been so calm:

This was the first time the staffer was black.

For each other exam I took, the staffer was asian - and my subconscious immediately told me “You are a representative of your people. If you fail this exam, you will make black people look fucking retarded. Asian people will have more trumped up evidence that black people are dumb and don’t belong in technical fields. The viability of career equality between the races hinges on you passing this exam. You must not fail. Martin and Malcolm are watching you.”

Figure 3: After I passed.

With a black staffer, though, I didn’t feel judged. The guy felt familiar. We cracked a couple of jokes while he was registering me. The exam was about me passing muster instead of being about the validity of all blacks in engineering. As I thought about the ridiculousness of this on the train, I began shaking my head and swearing quietly to myself. Some chick saw this and moved to the other end of the car.

Just think about all the incidents where you’ve found yourself ‘representing’ in front of non-blacks to break stereotypes:

  • Giving people extra friendly greetings in the hallway to counter the ‘angry black man’ stereotype
  • Intentionally and unnecessarily speaking foreign languages in front of other people to counter the ‘uncultured’ black man stereotype
  • Airballing a jumpshot to counter the ‘all black people love and excel at basketball’ stereotype
  • Walking around campus with your nose buried in a calculus book to counter the ‘all black people major in african american studies’ stereotype
  • Overdressing at clubs/lounges to counter the ‘black people only know how to dress ‘urban” stereotype
  • Refusing to buy a Cadillac, Ford Expedition, or other giant SUV (with or without rims) for…fairly obvious reasons
  • Ordering bizarre exotic food like ostrich, alligator, or shark to counter the ‘black people only eat chicken and catfish’ stereotype
  • Blasting Blink 182 or Foo Fighters (even if you hate it) to counter the ‘black people only like hip hop and jazz’ stereotype

Figure 4: Where I go to rest after a long day of fighting stereotypes…

* EBP is a term I’ve always had difficulty swallowing. In the pragmatic sense, it typically applies to black doctors, lawyers, and MBAs with stratospheric incomes which is fine with me**. Unfortunately, the literal interpretation of the term has also allowed idiots with multiple Ivy league English or Philosophy degrees and no prospects to apply the moniker to themselves as well. The fact that I would be lumped in with these clowns (and the truckloads of pompous shitbrickery associated with the balance of EBP outside of the clowns) is why I will never refer to myself as an EBP. Instead, I prefer the term ‘SBP’ which gives credit where credit is due - credit to those who have attained some sort of objectively measurable and responsible (this keeps out entertainers on Viacom’s payroll) success, regardless of education level (or, more realistically, level of pretense). Not every SBP is an EBP, and not every EBP is an SBP. Thank God.

** Except I have a well documented hatred of attorneys who aren’t a.) criminal prosecutors, b.) family lawyers, or c.) intellectual property lawyers


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Movies

28 05 2008

There are two contexts under which a man will say to himself - “Oh my God, I can’t believe this is happening.” One is the ‘good’ context, such as in that which a man realizes he’s about to win the lottery or he’s about to have sex with two hot chicks at the same time. The other is the ‘bad’ context, such as that in which a man realizes his firstborn son is about to get hit by a freight train at full speed…or he realizes he’s about to go to the movies.

We (black people) all hate movies whether we’ll admit it or not. We hate going to the movies because we know that, in almost all cases, there will be some kind of fucked up treatment of blacks (or other colored folk) in terms of their roles, portrayals, dialog and, in many cases, the complete lack of all of these.

There are all kinds of categories of fucked up film to choose from when you’re looking at it as a black person. There are some that I’m not even going to get into because it’s so trite and obvious, like the category of movies where the only significant black character is the first to die.

Stemming from this, though, we have the category that evolved from ‘Only Coon Dies’ - namely, ‘Every Coon Dies’. This category was spearheaded by the otherwise fantastic movie ‘300′, in which literally every single black person in the movie is killed in some horrendously miserable way: kicked into a bottomless pit and beheaded by a bizarre creature with fleshy blades for arms, among others. ‘300′ saw fit not only to kill us all, but to give us the most ridiculously insane deaths imaginable in a movie predicated entirely on ridiculously insane death.

Figure 1: THIS! IS! RACIST!

There’s the ‘Supporting Negro’ category that we’ve had to deal with since Hattie McDaniel won an Oscar for it in 1940 for her portrayal as Mammie in ‘Gone with the Wind’ (anybody else find it completely fucked up that her character was actually NAMED after a specific stereotype?) As time went on, black actors were forced into supporting roles even when they were better actors than the white leads they shadowed (Will Smith in ‘Bagger Vance’, Bill Duke in ‘Predator’, Djimon in ‘Gladiator’, Morgan Freeman in every fucking movie he’s ever been in).

Aside: Morgan Freeman

Morgan Freeman gets the Oscar for “Most Fucked Over Actor in Hollywood History”. He MUST have the shittiest agent on the face of the Earth, because this guy is constantly coming in second place to an increasingly talentless band of white actors starting with Matthew fucking Broderick in ‘Glory’ and ending most recently with Steve Carell in ‘Evan Almighty’.

Sub-Aside: Morgan Freeman as God

‘Bruce Almighty’ and ‘Evan Almighty’ tried to cover up Hollywood’s persistent racism by casting Morgan Freeman as God. They figured black people would be so happy with a black man portraying God that’d we’d overlook the fact that Morgan Freeman was playing second fiddle to a pair of hacks. They failed. Fuck Hollywood and fuck all of L.A. for that matter.

Figure 2: Why does God need to wear a fucking suit?

End Sub-Aside

I can safely say that the only case where the lead actor was actually on or above his level was Tim Robbins in ‘The Shawshank’ Redemption, but I still claim that the movie would have been even more interesting if it focused more on the life of Freeman’s character. Enough of this shit already.

End Aside.

Let’s not forget, of course, those movies where minority roles are snatched away from minorities altogether and filled by whites. This used to be a category suffered almost exclusively by Native Americans in every movie from John Wayne’s ‘The Searchers’ to Daniel Day Lewis in ‘Last of the Mohicans’. Remember that ‘crying Indian’ from the Don’t Litter commercials? That fucker was Sicilian. Black people, however, are being newly banged in the ass with this category for the first time since the days of Al Jolson with Robert Downey Jr.’s portrayal as a black man in ‘Tropic Thunder.’ I refuse to see this movie, because I know that as soon as I hear RDJ try to talk like a black person, I am going to go completely apeshit and stab myself with a barong.


Figure 3: Did they give you a bigger penis, too?

Usurping of roles isn’t the only thing blacks and indians have in common when it comes to reasons to hate film. There’s the even more pervasive (and far more infuriating) ‘White Jesus’ category. These are the movies that pretend to be about blacks or indians, but just turn out to be a way to make white people look good because they involve a white man ’saving’ the colored group, usually from other white people.

Figure 4: Fuck you.

With these films, Hollywood wants to dupe people into thinking that a movie about coloreds = a colored movie. Here’s a hint, you L.A. fucksticks: any movie with a white protagonist is a white movie, you aren’t fooling anyone, and you can go straight to hell. Shining examples of this are ‘Amistad’ and ‘Glory’ for black people, ‘Dances with Wolves’ and ‘Last of the Mohicans’ for indians, and ‘The Last Samurai’ for asians. If I could go back in time and nuke these movies’ sets, I swear to God I would.

So if we nig-gars are so damn unhappy with the mainstream film choices, then why not be happy with ‘black’ movies like ‘Love and Basketball’, ‘Brown Sugar’, ‘The Best Man’, ‘Dreamgirls’, ‘Diary of a Mad Black Woman’, ‘Soul Food’ or ‘Waiting to Exhale’?

Simple: all these movies are shit.

Almost all black movies that make it to the mainstream simply MUST involve at least two of the following: gangsters, sports, cheating black men, bitter black women, music, and Soul Food - the last item, which has a movie of the same name, is probably the most ridiculous of all. Do you think Tom Hanks’ white ass would ever star in a movie called ‘Casserole’?

Figure 5: Would never happen

The only really notable exception to this rule was ‘The Color Purple’ which, I believe, was a great movie if for no other reason than it didn’t involve the typical monolithic cast of modern no-talent black actors: Taye Diggs, Sanaa Lathan, Morris Chesnut, Nia Long, Omar Epps, etc. Understanding WHY black films can’t break the shackles of stereotypical subjects is the most enraging reality of all: they simply wouldn’t work.

Anybody who needs proof that racism isn’t dead and that black people and white people are nowhere near being on equal social footing only needs to think to himself why black equivalents of historical epics (a black ‘Gladiator’), existential pieces (a black ‘The Truman Show’), non-musical/non-sports biographies (a black ‘Capote’), horror flicks (a black ‘Exorcist’), adventure films (a black ‘Indiana Jones’), or sci-fi (a black ‘Star Wars’) generally aren’t commercially viable - it’s because white people ain’t interested in that shit.

Why aren’t they interested? This is why

.


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‘Creole’ Chicks

13 05 2008

If I hear one more person justify Beyonce’s increasing whiteness by saying “she’s not getting white, she’s just Creole!”, I am going to murder every single person I meet for the next hour.

The term ‘Creole’  was originally used to describe olive-skinned folks from Louisiana who had some mixture of French, Spanish, Black, and/or Native American ancestry, and spoke a language of the same name. More recently, ‘Creole’ has become a moniker used by pompous light-skinned fucktards to justify buying into and promoting caucasian standards of beauty.

Figure 1: Shrimp Creole - the only acceptable form of Creole

Some of these motherfuckers running around calling themselves Creole have no ancestral ties to Louisiana. They don’t speak Creole. They’ve never even BEEN to Louisiana. But that won’t stop the local resident douchebitch who happens to have ‘good hair’ from dying it blonde, getting Japanese straightening or whatever the fuck it’s called, throwing in green contact lenses, and running around claiming (implicitly or directly) to be better than ‘regular’ black people.

If she’s a REAL cunt, she’ll give the name some weird spelling like ‘Kreyole’ or ‘Creyol’ when she fills out some government form that asks for your race. She won’t check black, or white, or native american - NOPE! She’ll check the ‘Other’ box and write ‘Kreyole’ in the space next to it because she’s way too exotic and special to be a nigger, redskin, cracker, or some combination of these played out races.

The following is the internal monologue of the fake Creole chick:

“If I say I’m Khreyowle, then people will think I’m sophisticated! They’ll think I’m descended from French people and drink martini’s with extra extra dry vermouth while speaking a combination of French and Spanish to my friends while cruising on my superstar athlete husband’s yacht.”

Figure 2: Delusions of a pompous shit-brick

“They’ll think that my freakishly straight blond hair with pubes that don’t match is somehow natural! I’ll also have skin that’s tan but not niggerish, and I can lighten it with makeup JUST enough to rise above my blackness, but fall short of being considered white! Yay, racial purgatory! They’ll fall for this even though I can’t distinguish between Creole and Cajun, have no idea that Creole is also a language, and couldn’t point out Louisiana on a map OF Louisiana.”

The following is the internal monologue of the pompous real Creole chick:*

“Mmm mmm mmm, I sure am FINE. I’m kinda black, but my hair is naturally straight, my skin and eyes are light, and the media has decided that I’m what everyone wants. Oh I know! I’ll leverage my blackness and start a music career! Just for good measure, I’ll make sure my backup singers are darker than me in skin tone and/or hair color so that little nappy headed girls all over the world will know that light skin and long light straight hair comes first.”

Figure 3: In case you hadn’t figured out who I’m talking about yet…

As I reach a wider and wider audience, I’ll lighten myself just slowly enough so the average idiot won’t be able to notice. This will make me more acceptable to white and international audiences, and I’ll just ignore the collateral damage it does to the body image of the black adolescent girls that got me where I am in the first place. I’ll contribute further to the decline of black people by encouraging use of the word ‘conversate’ and being in a relationship with a man whose success was built on encouraging young black men to be promiscuous, experiment with cocaine, and kill people. After all, the ends justify the means! TEE HEE! Despite my active and conscious participation in the erosion of the black sense of self, people will ignore and even defend my behavior because - GASP - I’m just Creole!”

I can’t write anymore. There’s a fucking fire alarm going off in the office, and the blood vessel above my right eye is about to burst. I fucking goddamn hate everything.

*No, I do not think all Creole women are pompous. Please get off my nuts.


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Interracial Dating

12 05 2008

Interracial dating has been a sore spot for both black people and the non-black people that engage them (and vice-versa) ever since the two groups were introduced to one another. Unfortunate historical circumstances coupled with natural human aversion to unfamiliar people have caused this topic, which is fundamentally a rather stupid one when it really comes down to it, to bubble up more rage and animosity than one might have for the crazy dude that hypothetically tried to murder his family.

To find out how pissed off people get about interracial dating, all you have to do is go to the comments sections of the FAQ page or Subtle Racism III: Asian Chicks. There you will find all manner of racial poop flinging, much of it coming from black men and black women telling each other how much they suck.

Figure 1: I can’t wait for some jackass to cry ‘racist’ over this image

You’ll witness black men saying that black women have too much attitude or are self-defeating; black women telling black men that they’re stuck up or that white guys are more polite and ‘evolved’, and what have you. It’s the most ridiculous pile of tripe I’ve ever been exposed to in recent memory.

When the shit chucking dies down a bit, we sometimes get into the reasons that people (black men, in particular) choose to date out. Some guys have legitimate reasons, while others either make sweeping comments about the anger of black women, or the supposed superior physical attractiveness of non-black women…or some people have this guy’s motives:

Figure 2: My friends are hysterical

Most people like to focus on the ‘why’ of interracial dating, but I personally like to focus on another question:

Who the fuck cares?

There are two things that enrage me about interracial dating as a topic (as opposed to the actual act of dating out, which I am fine with):

1.) We’re all going to die.

I don’t mean just the people that are alive today, or our children, or their descendants. I mean everybody, forever. After awhile, the sun is going to burn out all its fuel and expand as it cools. As it expands, it will swallow Mercury and Venus, and turn the surface of the Earth into liquid-hot magma before the planet is itself consumed by the sun. When that happens, no one will remember us. No will know that we were ever here. Nothing that has ever happened in the entire course of not just human history, but the entire history of planet Earth, will matter.

Figure 3: It WILL happen…

Looking at the issue through a cosmic lens makes ruffled feathers over a black man/yellow woman combo seem rather stupid, but it would also seem to justify things like murder and rape. I don’t really think this is a fair comparison because, regardless of your perspective on how doomed we as humans are, murder and rape are objectively evil. Even babies seem to recognize that these things are wrong. But ill-feeling toward interracial relationships is learned behavior, and most sane people wouldn’t say such relationships are inherently evil.

Ignoring things that are going to happen billions of years from now, there is a much more down-to-earth reason that interracial dating can be a problem:

2.) Some black people use interracial dating as a referendum on the ‘date-ability’ of their own race.

It enrages me that anyone would have the gall to declare an entire race of people beneath them. When that race is your own, it boils down to self-loathing by sheer definition. This is why I laughed on the inside when Wesley Snipes got sentenced, and this is why my blood boils when some asian women shun all asian men because “they’re all dorky and we’re all hot” even though it a.) isn’t true and b.) has absolutely nothing to do with me. I suppose it’s the pompous attitudes more than the racism that bothers me.

Figure 4: Karma’s a bitch, ain’t it?

Black men and women just LOVE to say to one another: “Hey yall didn’t holler, so don’t hate when you see me with a white/asian/hispanic/mer[maid|man].” I group these people with the same class of idiot that brings white supremacists to this site claiming superiority to blacks while inexplicably requiring our existence and input to feel validated.

If you feel that dating outside your race should go hand-in-hand with people of your own race gazing longingly through the glass wall of your own ignorance while pining to smash that wall to assume the position of your significant other, you should have your fucking throat cut. For people like you, your own race shuns you because you’re a fucking asshole. There is no other reason. Your success with other races can be explained in all likelihood by cultural guilt or fetishism feeding a remarkably high bullshit tolerance.

I digress.

Date and fuck whoever you want, goddammit. Life’s too short, we’re all going to die, and we’re all pink on the inside.


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Looney Tunes

2 05 2008

Three things happened yesterday that made me quite upset:

  1. I dropped several thousand hackle feathers all the fuck over the floor in my condo
  2. Walking into the elevator with my headdress and eagle feathers, some stupid chick asked me “OMIGOD ARE YOU A REAL INDIAN?!?!?!”
  3. I watched Looney Tunes for five fucking hours

Watching Looney Tunes for so damn long reminded me of a cartoon I saw as a child, where Bugs Bunny somehow wound up in what was called “Deepest Darkest Africa” and spent the episode making an ass out of an African native that was drawn to look like an eggplant with feet and a spear. What disturbs me about this memory is that this racist fucking cartoon was aired as late as the early 90’s.

Anyone on this board over the age of 21 or so probably has racist Looney Tunes episodes seared deeply into their memories - which makes the following statement by Wikipedia about the ‘Censored Eleven‘ complete and utter bullshit:

“The ban [on showing the censored 11] has been upheld by UA and the successive owners of the Looney Tunes catalog to this day, and these shorts have not been officially broadcast on television since the late 1960s.”

I specifically remember watching the episode ‘All This and Rabbit Stew‘ several times on cable (I believe the station was TNT) in the early 90’s, and ‘Jungle Jitters’ is probably the episode featuring Deepest Darkest Africa and the eggplant man.

Figure 1: I’ve seen this cartoon before, and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t alive in 1968

What the hell can I say - people were racist as shit back in the day, and the intended audience for Looney Tunes was, as Friz Freeling partially admitted, intended for racist fucking white people. No small wonder that the Warner Brothers, all four of whom were apparently Jewish, still bought the Looney Tunes series despite innumerable negative references to Jews.

For those who want to get mad by experiencing the racism in visual form, enjoy this.

Racism aside, I enjoyed Looney Tunes because it was undeniably fucking hilarious. This is why I was emotionally devastated when I came upon the following:


Figure 2: There is no God

Apparently in 2005, someone took the friendly characters from Looney Tunes (Bugs, Daffy, Wyle E. Coyote, Taz, and the Roadrunner) and injected them with Agent Orange or some shit. Now these clever characters have been reborn as ‘The Loonatics’, who in the image above are depicted as soulless and unnecessarily badass spreaders of the X-treme marketing virus hell bent on leaping out of my computer screen and punching me in the testicles.

Let’s take a look at each of these characters in turn:

1.) Ace Bunny - (pictured at the center) Ace Bunny appears to be the craziest out of the entire group, which is impressive considering that not one character even has pupils. Ace’s tightly clenched fists, inexplicably sharp teeth, scimitar-shaped ears, and what appears to be a twitching right eye symptomatic of severe stress, seem to indicate that the sole purpose of Ace Bunny is to rape your dog and murder your family.

2.) Danger Duck - (bottom left) is actually the most normal-looking of the bunch, in spite of the fact that his soulless eyes are given a red hue to indicate that he’s been to Hell at least once. Danger’s predecessor, Daffy Duck, was fairly lanky, out of shape, and had hands that resembled feathers - but the new Danger duck appears, at least in this image, to be rather broad shouldered and have fists cast of solid bronze. I’ve never seen the cartoon, but I’m pretty sure that at some point Danger has uttered the phrase “feathers are for cunts.”

3.) Tech E. Coyote - (far left) was always green with envy at the Roadrunner in the original cartoon, and for the Loonatics series has been rendered literally so. Recognizing the fact that our children are indeed dumber than ever and have no idea what the word ‘wily’ means (or the ability to associate ‘wile’ as a pun on ‘wild’), the creators apparently made Wyle E. Coyote take a fucking MCSE exam and become Tech E. Coyote - the cheesiness of which is borderline criminal, but nonethless simple enough for our stupid ass uncultured electronically-obsessed fatass children to comprehend.

4.) Slam Tasmanian - (top) has a fist bigger than his fucking head even if you adjust for perspective, (we can only assume he uses that fist to beat unwilling women into submission), and 95% of his face is composed of innumerable gigantic teeth because apparently his character was modeled after Terrell Owens. The enormous size of Slam is not done justice by the above picture, so I’ve included another:

Figure 3: Seriously, dude. There is NO God.

Slam clearly weighs at least a metric ton and is suffering from an X-TREME case of ‘Roid Rage. One can’t help but notice that his transformation from ‘Tazmanian Devil’ in Looney Tunes to ‘Slam Tazmania’ in Loonatics is not at all unlike Barry Bonds’ transformation from man to Silverback Gorilla between 1986 and today, and is therefore a horrible example for our children.

5.) Rev Runner - (far right) is so fucking goddamn X-TREME that he’s the only bird I’ve ever seen with teeth. TEETH ON A BIRD, DUDE. I am willing to bet my life that right now somewhere in the country, some middle schooler is flunking a science test because he sees this question…

  • True or False: Birds have teeth

…and then thinks to himself: “AH! REV RUNNER HAS TEETH! TRUE!”

Fail. That child will spend the rest of his life asking people if they’d like to try a combo.

6.) Lexi Bunny - (bottom right) I’m not too sure why they didn’t just cut the bullshit and call her ‘Sexy Bunny’ or ‘Flexibunny’ or ‘Slutty Bunny Cum Bucket’. Is there any coincidence that Lexi is positioned below Ace’s left nut? Anyhow, the creators of the show clearly wanted to introduce sexual tension to the show while a.) maintaining plausible deniability of said introduction, and b.) at the same time assuaging the oh so annoying Girl-Power lobby. To this end, Lexi has been given scythe-like dagger hands that suggest awesome fighting prowess and excruciatingly painful sex all at the same time.

Figure 4: Come back, guys. Please?


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White Supremacy II

28 04 2008

Predictably, I received quite a bit of hate mail/comments from (surprise) white people regarding my white supremacy post. I received 51 emails and comments in all, and what’s interesting is that each of them have following claim in common:

Black people are naturally predisposed to violent and criminal behavior

Each time I read this correspondence, I laugh until my belly is sore. There are plenty of reasons to hate black people*, just like there are plenty of reasons to hate white people, hispanics, native americans, arabs, jews, asians, and Martians…but of all the reasons to hate us, the above is the least justifiable - especially for white people. Here’s why:

White supremacists absolutely love to quote statistics such as:

  • blacks kill seven times more than whites
  • blacks kill whites more than 20 times more than whites kill blacks
  • blacks rape white women 2000 times more than whites rape blacks
  • blacks commit 50 percent of American homicides while making up only 12% of the population

The list goes on.

This is because white supremacists, for the sake of convenience, like to start the history of violence in America at the latter half of the civil rights movement which is when black crime in this country began to balloon. This is akin to ignoring the Oklahoma City bombings so you can call the government ‘cruel’ for killing Timothy McVeigh.

Since these white folks are arguing about the INNATE quality of violence, that allows me to respond by examining the behavior of white people throughout the course of human history. This list is, of course, VERY abbreviated:

1.) The Macedonian Empire comes to prominence by slaughtering untold thousands of people from Egypt to India during Alexander the Great’s worldwide killing spree.

Figure 1: X-TREME CONQUEST!!!!!!

His ‘military genius’ is celebrated by white people to this day, and used as a model for…

2.) The Roman Empire, which comes to prominence as the Italians consolidate their own power by murdering other white people for a little while, then gradually extend their reach into modern day Egypt, Israel, Turkey, and other middle eastern and north African countries. For fun, the Romans make captives fight to the death in Gladiatorial games and feed Christians and criminals to wild animals.

Figure 2: I am quite entertained indeed, thank you.

Millions of people are killed in wars at a time when a few million people was a significant percentage of the world population. Modern day white people revere the Romans as an ‘ideal’ society.

3.) The Vikings went nuts in the 8th century and didn’t stop killing people until William the Conqueror successfully invaded England in 1066. The favorite pastime of the Vikings was, of course, to rob churches and, just for good measure, kill as many unarmed monks as possible in the process.

Figure 3: Wanted: Hug

4.) The Dark Ages were spent by the Europeans killing each other en masse in countless intra-European conflicts that would eventually leave the continent carved up into a billion different countries, most of whom speak completely different languages out of spite and hate each other to this day.

Figure 4: If I was this ugly and had a small dick, I’d be violent too.

Modern Europeans, having forgotten the wars/death that produced their patchwork continent, refer to this division as ‘culture.’ This would eventually culminate in Europeans turning their rage at each other into rage at the rest of the world during…

5.) The Age of Discovery, or as everyone else puts it, The Day the World Died. White people, particularly the British, French, Spanish, Portuguese, and Dutch, sailed all over the world spreading diseases (first unintentionally, then intentionally) that decimated populations wherever they went - especially in the western hemisphere.

Figure 5: Thanks, douche

All estimates for the numbers of people killed by the spread of disease by white people are in the tens of millions. And speaking of tens million of millions…

6.) The African Slave Trade involved the kidnapping of some 12 million Africans at the hands of white people taking advantage of pre-existing rivalries between African tribes.

Figure 6: Challenge - find the difference between this and Norwegian Cruise Lines

Since only about 10 million of these Africans survived, white people can feel free to bear the responsibility for the 2 million that were murdered along the way. White people used these slaves to pave the way for…

7.) The conquest of America, during which millions of Native Americans were killed by peace loving white people through a combination of conventional and biological warfare. If you want to see how violent white Americans are, all you have to do is hop on an airplane. Once the plane is in the air, look down at the expanse of Earth below you, and try to comprehend that every square inch of it was stolen from Indians at gunpoint.

Figure 7: YOINK!

8.) World Wars I and II. White people really went nuts in the 20th century when they began to find more and more efficient ways to kill themselves/others.

Figure 8: I’m sure this can be blamed on black people

The invention of the machine guns, tanks, dumb bombs, mustard gas, and other little trinkets led to some 20,000,000 deaths in WWI and a whopping 70,000,000 deaths in WWII. This doesn’t even include the victims of…

9.) The Holocaust, which resulted in the deaths of 11,000,000 Jews, Catholics, Gypsies, retards, and anyone else that Hitler didn’t like.

Figure 9: Was never harmed by a negro

That’s right folks: 11,000,000 people systematically exterminated by ONE WHITE MAN. This almost renders irrelevant the casualties of…

10.) Hiroshima and Nagasaki, which are estimated around 280,000 dead by the end of 1945. White folks in America wanted the war over quickly, and a simple siege by sea would just take far too long - so what better way to end the war than by nuking a civilian population and rattling your atomic saber to scare the Soviets?

Figure 10: White Diplomacy

Of course, these are just my favorite ten. We won’t even get into the Napoleonic wars, the French Revolution, Vietnam, Iraq I & II, Apartheid, and the countless murders of blacks at the hands of whites that went unpunished and unrecorded from the end of the slave trade until the end of the Civil Rights Movement (and, in some parts of the south, today). We won’t talk about what the British did to India during their prolonged occupation of that country, nor will we get into the conquest and genocide of central and south America.

Assuming black people really do commit 50% of the murders in the US (which would amount to 8,300 killings in 2005), it would take all the black killers in the country 34 years to catch up to the number of people killed at the order of one white man in the 1945 atomic bombings of Japan. It would take all the black killers in the country 241 years to catch up to the number of blacks killed by whites in the middle passage alone. It would take them 1,325 years to catch up to the number of people killed by white men in the holocaust.

White people have been killing everyone by the untold millions since the 4th century BC, but white supremacists have the nerve to call other people violent. If you look back into time, you’ll realize that no matter what color you are, you’re about a billion times more likely to suffer death-by-white-man than death by natural causes. Is there anything in the world more hilarious?

Decidedly no.

*Having a reason to do something doesn’t necessarily make it right


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