Stuff Black People Hate

I’ll admit this up front: I watch Sex & the City.

I don’t watch it, however, because I enjoy the silly comedic moments or the idiot-savant romantic insights of Carrie fucking Bradshaw. Instead, I watch Sex & the City because after working 8 hours in the office and up to another 5 hours at home and spending another 3 hours sewing beads on my dance regalia, there are only three things that can put a smile on my face:

1. Sex. I don’t have a girlfriend and I’m too lazy for one night stands, so this is out.
2. Pancakes. Under the imminent threat of diabeetus and weight gain, I usually don’t eat bread after noon if I can help it.
3. Self-destructive behavior of unreasonable white women. This is the living definition of Sex & the City.

Figure 1: Vaginitus Douchebitchicus Caucasus Maximus Quadruplicus.

I was perfectly content to watch the four unattractive hags* that star in the show blunder their way through life from now until the Rapture. The general unhappiness of these women made me happy enough to overlook the implausibility of four essentially sociopathic women all having very successful careers that involve - get this - dealing with other people.

Then I had an epiphany: Sex & the City is a white woman’s visual manifesto of classism and racism.

For now, I’m going to skip the classism part because if I were to contemplate it long enough, Michael Calmus WILL die. So instead I’ll just focus on the flagrant racism in this motherfucking show.

In my memory, there were four black characters who had speaking parts that lasted more than ten damn seconds - and this is where the racism starts. Sex & the City’s conspicuously unrealistic absence of black people in NEW YORK CITY is surpassed only by that of the partial-birth abortion of a show called ‘Friends’. The popularity among white women of these shows combined with the popularity of New York shows us exactly what white women are looking for:

Figure 2: Fuckers.

But let’s get beyond that and look at the few black characters that were in the show.

Brother and Sister: there was an episode where Samantha (the village bicycle of the show) decided to date a black guy. I can’t remember what he did for a living, but I’m pretty sure I remember it involving sports, and he was very successful. He was an all around good guy.

This man had a sister - a very attractive black woman who, I shit you not, spent the entire show yelling, waving her neck, and snapping her fingers at Samantha loudly and in inappropriate venues telling her that she didn’t want to see “another good brother taken by a white girl.” In the end, it was actually the MAN who capitulated to his sister’s wishes and broke up with Samantha.

• What black people see: a white woman taking yet another of the endangered species of good, eligible black men, and the sister rightly getting her brother to come to his senses.
• What white people see: domineering racist ghetto negro wench hates white people for no good reason, and her weak willed negro man-child of a brother is too much of a pussy to stand up to her. Black women are crazy, black men are sissies.

Navy Boy: in one episode, the four Itchy Vaginas come across a bunch of model-worthy male sailors wearing Navy jumpers walking around aimlessly in midtown, because apparently this shit happens all the fucking time. The sailors invite the IVs to some party that night. The main character, Carrie, spends the whole time at the party dancing with some black pretty boy sailor from Louisiana who looks like a shrunken-down version of The Rock wearing a fruity sailor outfit.

At the end of the night, Carrie and The Pebble are talking outside the lounge. Sounding like a lost puppy, the guy asks her, in nearly as many words, “can I please come home with you tonight?” Carrie, who has had uncountably many one night stands with dudes straight out of hotchickswithdouchebags.com, rejects this guy - opting instead to go home and, for all I know, masturbate to videos of black men being attacked with dogs and fire hoses during the March to Montgomery.

• What black people see: black man far and away out of Carrie’s league gets rejected by her for no particular reason at all. Sheer racism (or comeuppance, since overly attractive black men should not be passing up black women to fuck with white girls that look like an incarnate Australopithecus exhibit.)
• What white people see: horny black navy boy is on shore leave and wants to invade the Antarctic. Carrie, who is pure and white as the driven snow, rejects his coontastical advances and remains ever unpenetrated by the black torpedo.

Sports Man: GASP! A RECURRING BLACK CHARACTER! That’s right everybody, Sex & the City featured for several episodes a dark, intelligent, extremely well-paid, highly educated black man with more moral character than Jesus himself…dating Miranda, aka the fugliest of member of the cast, for several weeks.

FIgure 3: I saw her face, and my dick evaporated.

Sports man is called ‘Sports Man’ because he’s an orthopedist for the Knicks. This makes sense because black men can’t be successful unless it either directly or obliquely involves sports. Miranda is constantly getting jealous of Sports Man because all the white cheerleaders on the Knicks are all over his jock. But he remains ever faithful to this red headed sea monster, eventually even popping the ‘L’ word on her. She freaks out, and breaks up with him to make babies with Woody Allen’s ugly twin.

• What black people see: a ferociously attractive, successful, and loyal black man gets his heart farted on by the last living child of the corn in a combination of bullshit, racism, and karma.
• What white people see: the Superman of black people is not good enough even for the ugliest, most judgmental, type A ho-bag in the entire Itchy Vagina Ensemble. Black people are shit. High five!

I can’t fucking take it anymore. It’s time for me to drive to NYC and scalp Sarah Jessica Parker.

Figure 4: Maybe there’s a fourth thing that can put a smile on my face…

*My father hates Sarah Jessica Parker and everything about her. If you ever meet the terrifying man that is my father and you want to immediately make him like you - insult Sarah Jessica Parker. If you want him to LOVE you, call her an “intolerable horse-faced pussy smuggler who belongs in a zoo rather than on television”.

One of the few people you’ll meet who will actually admit to enjoying most of the movie ‘Titanic’…is me. Despite Leo DiCaprio’s boyishly girly face shitting up the screen for three fucking hours and a plot meant to give men false romantic hope*, there was plenty to enjoy about this movie:

• Rich white people treating poor white people the same way poor white people treated all black people
• Unnecessary high-stakes gambling
• Leo’s Italian buddy getting crushed by a smokestack the size of a townhouse
• The rich dude flipping out, then chasing Leo and Kate around the sinking ship trying to shoot them
• Car sex
• Boobies
• Theft (if you think about it, Leo basically spends the entire movie stealing shit [women, hats, coats, food, tickets, etc.])
• Mayhem involving lifeboats
• Snotty British dudes being constantly punched in the face or told to “SHUT UP!”
• Drinking contests, arm wrestling, and the constant falling down of drunken Irishmen

Then something happened in Titanic to make me hate the whole movie, and it’s the same thing that nearly made me hate iRobot as well: some chick performed a live-saving but potentially life-ending act with her fucking eyes closed in fear**.

Remember the scene I’m talking about? Little Boy Leo is handcuffed to a pipe below decks, and Rhode Island Red Kate Winslett shows up to free him with an axe. After a couple of awful practice swings, this chick heaves the axe at the chain between Leo’s wrists - a space of about four inches - WITH HER FUCKING EYES CLOSED!

Figure 1: Do not give this woman an axe

Leo closed his eyes, too. But I’m sure if he’d opened them to see her eyes closed while swinging a goddamn axe at him, the remainder of Titanic would have just consisted of him screaming in hysteric disbelief at Kate as the ship sank to the bottom of the Atlantic.

While I was able to enjoy some of the movie after this, I definitely spent the rest of the movie with that scene sticking in my craw. I sat there fuming about both male and female physical incompetence. Titanic and iRobot unfairly categorize women as being the only ones afraid of heavy weapons, but the truth of the matter is that most city-fied men are just as scared. Let’s face facts people: men are becoming just as uncomfortable and unfamiliar with power tools, weapons, and the general manly act of knowing how to fix shit as women are with the womanly act of knowing how to cook (pasta does NOT count) and make clothing.

Dudes that can’t do simple things (called Fundamentals of Manliness, or FOM) like change a tire, change car oil and filters, start a fire without matches, assemble/disassemble a pistol or rifle, find the North Star, build a house, cook a steak, split wood, fix a bike chain, determine the time of day from the position of the sun, install a dimmer switch, prep a fishing line, get places without detailed directions, or fire up a BBQ pit…all those dudes fucking suck and have gigantic pussy flaps. The only thing more infuriating than the fact that these guys exist is HOW MANY OF THEM EXIST. There are millions of men in cities all over America who are rendered completely useless once you take a computer away from them.

Figure 2: Standard of Manliness (l to r): Before Titanic…and after

The pervasive unmanning of men can be blamed entirely on Titanic. Why? Because Titanic duped men into thinking that FOM ignorance is only a female problem, and it kept these men from coming to the realization: “hey, my delicate ass doesn’t know how to swing an axe, either!” Comfortable with their false sense of FOMliness, these same dudes allowed shows like Queer Eye to become popular and further contribute to the decline in FOM. It’s only going to get worse with time.

Titanic is a secret project devised by the French to make American men even girlier than theirs, thus allowing them to successfully invade the United States. James Cameron should be tried and hanged for High Treason.

Figure 3: Hates America

*Titanic is similar to ‘When Harry Met Sally’ in this respect. Chuck Klosterman accurately pointed out that WHMS served the sole purpose of convincing every idiot guy with a hot female friend that, someday, he could be her man - which is an unmitigated crock of shit. Similarly, Titanic tries to convince idiot guys that chicks will trade their life with a rich douchebag for a life with a financially-poor-but-personality-rich good guy. This is also bullshit. The rich girl will happily have an affair with the poor guy, but she’ll never actually leave the rich guy. This is why rich white women hire pool boys.

**There’s a scene in iRobot where the main female character frees Will Smith from the Vulcan Death Grip of a robot by shooting it with a machine gun…with her eyes closed in fear. The reason I don’t hate iRobot is because, unlike Titanic, someone called her out on this shit: the little squirrely guy says to will “Holy shit dude that chick just shot at you with her eyes closed.” Will then proceeds to scream at her for awhile, and she justifies her actions by saying “well it worked, didn’t it?” This means-justifying-the-ends attitude is proof that both she and Kate Winslett are fascists.

One of the biggest complaints black people had with the original version of ‘Planet of the Apes’ was the fact that the intelligent leader apes were light while the peon monkeys were dark. This shit was a flagrant negative racial metaphor, and I’m pretty surprised that it didn’t cause a lot more controversy/riots than it actually did.

Figure 1: Apes have Wiggers, too

So when ‘Planet of the Apes’ was released again in 2001, my primary motivation was to see how they’d address this issue. For the first 30 minutes(?) or so as the plot developed, I was fairly satisfied. The peon soldier monkeys that were chasing the humans through the jungle weren’t all that dissimilar in appearance to the evil general monkey, and it looked like they were going to stay away from having apes that were inexplicably blond.

But…someone involved in the making of that movie just couldn’t help him/herself. I’m a fairly quiet guy in a movie theater, but when the humans were brought back to the ape town and they showed the ape denizens playing basketball and hanging out on the steps smoking shit, I couldn’t help but yell “OH, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!” - which resulted (thankfully) in the entire theater exploding with laughter.

Figure 2: This would never ever happen

Everyone in the room knew what I was pissed about, so I know I’m not being paranoid when I say that the new Planet of the Apes is just as fuckedupdedly racist as the original (though at least this time it was kinda funny). Why couldn’t the goddamn apes be skateboarding or playing tag or street hockey? Why them niggaz gotta be chillin’ on the goddamn steps? It doesn’t even follow logically from the apes’ origins.

The original apes were on a spaceship full of white people. It would follow, then, that the apes would develop sports that mimicked what their ‘owners’ would play - and for white people that’d be soccer or hockey or poker or some shit. Basketball would be the last thing to develop, if at all. I know there’s a missing link to that argument, but fuck you.

Figure 3: The Real Dr. Zaius

Second of all, the original apes from the spaceship were intelligent as hell. They flew spaceships for Christ’s sake. Why, then, would the descendant monkeys have devolved into a bunch of lazy fucktards passing the day by sitting on the steps and getting high? If you wanna make the apes black, fine. But at least stereotype them positively and have them attending a fucking poetry slam or something! Sittin’ on the damn steps…fuck you.

Near the end of the movie, the girl ape kisses Mark Walberg on the lips. My white friend leans over and says to me “hey dude, I bet you’re getting a hard on.”

I hate everything.