Stuff Black People Hate

Let me preface this post by saying that I absolutely encourage black people to become as educated as is necessary.

With that said, fuck a Master’s Degree. One of the most annoying things about black people is that many of us, as soon as we break the Bachelor’s Degree barrier, become shamelessly full of ourselves. Ever met a black person with a Master’s degree in philosophy, political science, social science, or any other discipline in that vein? IT’S FUCKING HORRIBLE.

You cannot have a conversation with these people unless it’s about something socially or morally relevant. If you try to talk about pop culture, or television, or mountain biking, or anything that’s actually fun, they’ll look down their fucking debt-ridden noses at you like you’re some irrelevant clod who “just doesn’t get it.”

Oftentimes, the newly minted Master of Bullshit will change his or her appearance - adopting dashikis and wearing their hair naturally* are two of their favorite choices. Immediately following this, they will start distinguishing themselves from other black people in conversation - referring to themselves as ‘educated’ black people (much in the same way that white people distinguish themselves from rednecks, Asians from FOBs, etc.). Then it’s only a matter of time before they’re participating in Poetry Slams, shopping at Farmer’s Markets, and formulating the image of their ideal mates based on TV shows like ‘Girlfriends’…and the transformation from ‘educated black person’ to ‘insufferable douchebag’ is rendered complete.

Figure 1: They think they’re better than you

To intercept the educated black people who will probably begin hating on me immediately: no, I am not some ignorant fucking thug who’s writing this blog because I stole your computer. I am not a person ‘on the outside looking in’, who is just angry because he can’t be like you. I have a bachelor’s degree from a well-respected school and graduated in the top 10% of my class with a real degree (Computer Science), and I did it in a scant 7 semesters. English and Philosophy majors paid ME to tutor THEM in classes in their own majors. Goddammit I hate the liberal arts…I’m getting off topic.

One of the things I hate about attending conferences is the inevitability of meeting these damn people. If I could trade the ‘networking’ part of these events for a good 4 hours of being waterboarded, I’d jump at the opportunity. But since that’s never an option, they will see me dressed well with my hair cut and perhaps speaking Edubonics**, then assume that I, like them, am just waiting to wax knowingly about the political issues of the day. I’ll usually be polite and indulge them, but the truth of the matter is that I’d much rather share a good fart joke than my opinion on the humanitarian crisis in Kenya. Being an engineer by training, practicality is a big deal to me - and to that end, a fart joke is far more relevant (I fart all the time, and frequently enjoy the farts of others) than Kenya (which doesn’t affect me at all).

But somehow, because I wanna talk about flatulence instead of Africa, I’m not as good as Mr. or Ms. Master’s Degree. Yea? Well to that, I offer Figure 2 in closing:

Figure 2: Has 3x my education and 1/3 my income

*I’m a big fan of natural hair on a black woman, but not when you use it as a symbol of your megalomania

** The King’s English peppered with sayings like “go ‘head!” and “no doubt” that are distinctly black but fall short of being off-putting to white people. Black people use Edubonics to prevent being labeled an Uncle Tom while asserting their intelligence