Author
Name: Chris
Sex: Male
Age: 25
Weight: 190 lbs
Height: 6′ 3″
Eyes: Green
Ethnicity: Piscataway-Conoy/African American
Marital Status: Single
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Occupation: Software Developer/Entrepreneur/Dancer
Education: B.S. Computer Science
Income: [Redacted]
Hometown: Washington D.C.
Zodiac Sign: Cancer/Leo cusp
Political Views: Social Democrat, Fiscal Republican, Tortured Soul
Celebrity Lookalikes: Will Smith, Craig David. Fuck.
I was born in Sibley Memorial Hospital in Washington D.C. - a neighborhood that would clash starkly with the one I actually grew up in (two people were stabbed in my driveway before my tenth birthday). I spent the next 18 years living in southeast D.C., coming of age under the emotionally…confusing…tutelage of my parents and older brother.
When I was eight years old, my father wanted to see how I’d respond to finding a gun - a common occurrence where I grew up. He proceeded to hide a small pistol under a shammy when I was fooling around in the garage, and he hid it in a place where he knew I’d look. I inevitably found the gun, turned to see my father hiding behind the door with a shit-eating grin on his face, and have been pretty much terrified of him ever since.
In 1993, my parents bankrupted themselves and said ‘fuck off’ to all their personal aspirations to send me to a private school in Virginia. It was at this school that I learned:
* How to write
* How to get along with white people
* Life isn’t fair
In 7th grade, the school sponsored a highly-controversial ‘Discrimination Day’, which I assume was designed to somehow teach rich white kids what it was like to be black during Jim Crow. Every day they’d randomly select a group of students to wear purple ‘outcast sashes’, which indicated that they should be treated poorly throughout the day. Teachers wouldn’t call on them or would punish them at random, and non-outcasts were encouraged to treat them like shit. Imagine the look on my face when, on the day I received the outcast sash, I found that the only other two students in the class wearing them were also black.
One of my uncles died many years ago and left us his house near the beach in Northern Neck Virginia. I was about 12 or so and running around in the woods there when I came upon a real estate agent with two people who were interested in purchasing the lot the forest was on and surveying the land. One of the men saw me, and asked “is this your property?”, to which I responded “no.” He then told me, in as many words, “then get your little ass the hell outta here!” I scuttled off and sat in my dad’s truck. The guy who yelled at me then comes out of the woods, and proceeds to angrily lecture me about respecting other people’s property (ironically, this asshole a.) was trespassing to lecture me and b.) had trespassed to enter the woods at the trailhead, which is on my family’s land.
I was at the beach house one day when my father called me from outside. I exited the house to find him holding a poisonous snake at bay…with a pump-action shotgun. He then proceeded to blow the snake’s head completely off. He said it would make me stronger.
As far as I’m concerned, these are the only parts of my life story that really matter. I pretty much stopped learning anything after I turned 13. I also really wanna make pancakes, so fuck this article.
Figure 1: What I look like when I don’t get my damn pancakes.
Redacted!
Dude!!!! I haven’t heard from you in forever. We drifted so far apart and me reading your blogs has brought me closer to you then ever before.. (Is it to late to say no homo?) Man keep it up! As an angry minority myself I agree with you 100%
Really nice work old pal you have managed to put feelings of a generation all int one place we cam ALL fnd it and relate to u should pass this on to alot of people. Hope all is well with the FAM K.I.T get at me when your in hometown *****Welcome=2=DC*****
Marry me?
wow, i’m a cancer too(with leo rising
you’re funny as hell dude, and so dead on! ‘cept maybe with that natural hair thing–i’m a nonjudgemental nappy head. i wish more black women would embrace what God gifted them with, and appreciate that one part of themselves that society by and large, does not. don’t assume the a sister with napps is judging those who hide theirs. not all do. anywho, keep doin’ what you do.
laughed my ass off!!
i can already tell i’m going to be a huge fan of your blog. your master’s degree post is priceless. it took me a good half hour to finish because i was laughing so damn hard.
thats some crazy stuff. snake + shotgun + you. good thing it was a moose, that is if your dad could hold a moose at bay, dont stop posting
“I also really wanna make pancakes, so fuck this article.”
hahaha gaddayum!
I’ve never been a groopie, but I think I’m in love with you.
Thanks for the Planet of Apes review, the friggin blond apes are perplexing. I feel you about the dang educated black people. My best friend, in the non-profit world like me, keeps harassing me about getting a master’s degree. So should I acquire another 50gs of debt to make exactly 2gs more a year? Whatever.
So anyway love your blog, let me know when you want to go on a date, we can eat big fruit together, :-D.
Chris, I have never been a groupie or a joiner but I had to stop laughing long enough to say the following:
This is an excellent blog.
PS-Talk about six degrees of separation: My husband and I live in the DC metro area and I worked for a year or two @ Sibley Hospital in the Blood Bank!
I hate blogs, and I hate whne people are like,”Black people are this way, and white people are this way, and isn’t it funny?”, but you hit the nail on the head, man. especially on the ‘n’ word thing. I’m a native american who lives in MS. I live off the reservation, which around here not many of us do, so I have a lot of white friends who love to prove they aren’t racist by making racist jokes constantly, ‘cos they’re just “so comfortable with minorities.” I don’t think they get the deal. they still say “a black.” like,”Oh I was coming out of the GAP and almost ran into a black.” I keep waiting for the rest, like a black…fence post, car, dude, but no, adjectives are now nouns to these people. I also got a lot of heat after the South Park Indian Casino episode. No one talked about it the next day. it was weird, like i had a baby that died of crib death or something. And don’t get me started on how 1) white people want to be Native so bad they create false family histories (if one more white person tells about their great-great gramma who was a cherokee princess, swear to christ someone’s blood is being spilled), 2)how I can’t use the word Indian b/c the correct word is Aboriginal Indigenous First American Peoples. Anyway, awesome. you’re hilarious.
-L
I’ve been told by numerous Europeans that I too, resemble Craig David “without the beard”, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. I’ve also been told Tony Parker, but you’re more of the Craig David/Will Smith combo.
Outstanding…keep up the great work. If you ever do guest-blogs, I did 4 years hard time at a predominantly as well as historically caucasian college where the first Black to attend was silenced for his time.
I’ve just discovered your blog and shared it with all of my friends. I hope it doesn’t get me fired.
[...] Author [...]
Priceless!! I’m a fan!!
LMAO! I love the way you summed it all up. Too funny! Wow, what a life though…I bet you could fill a book.
Very funny! I’ve totally bookmarked the page.
I love this blog! I’m also from The City and completely understand your point-of-view on a lot of the subjects covered - especially Stupid Names, Master’s Degrees, and Titantic (I also hated that movie).
you’re beautiful, man.
i’m persian and my childhood/youth was spent moving around the states– 6 years were spent in south dakota. weekdays were white days and the weekends and summers were often spent visiting family friends on the reservations, who we met through the Baha’i community, and helping them out with moral education classes they started for the kids on their streets. my heart is still on those reservations. and at 21, i’m still struggling to take ownership of the minority experience i had in those years. keep speaking, chris, keep speaking.
much love
dorri
this was hilarious.
I just realized that picture with the flamboyant colors is you isnt it?
“I just realized that picture with the flamboyant colors is you isnt it?”
Yes it is. That’s a picture of me at a powwow near Richmond, VA sometime last year. It was VERY hot that day.
Your classic. I found your site via C&D. Thank you for your real talk.
If you ever find yourself on the left coast. Holla. As a woman of color in this sea of white noise, I’m holding it down lovely. Keep up the good word.
“I just realized that picture with the flamboyant colors is you isnt it?”
“Yes it is. That’s a picture of me at a powwow near Richmond, VA sometime last year. It was VERY hot that day.”
And 12 pounds of head dress supported only by his throat.
You are hilarious. I’m from the MD/DC/VA area as well and I hate mayo! Haahah I will check out your blog regularly.
I think I’m in love…
funny (twice)
1) your bio is pretty funny in and of itself
2) i don’t run across too many people from northern neck (anywhere).
granted, i’m in philly…but my family’s from down there.
ophelia/burgess/kilmarnock/reedville area.
small world.
dope site.
You’re hot
I have one question. Why are we so angry? Oh, sorry I am black, and angry too (but that may be because I married a white woman, but I’m not sure. I’m sure I’ll be banned from this blog now). I hate the term African-American even though my mother is British-Nigerian. I’ve been to Nigeria a few times and well they hate black americans who call themselves “African-Americans”.
And how the bloody hell can you be a Social Democrat and a Fiscal Conservative? That is nearly impossible…just ask McCain, he’s trying to run on it!
1190one.com
Okay, so this whole blog is the best blog I have ever read. All of the posts are excellent, but the Beyoncé post, Abraham Lincoln post, and the post about names are the best. I love reading this blog - it’s funny, true, and well-written.
I’d like to go see one of your powwows sometime
You look like Craig David and you’re 6′3 AND you’re angry?
*Fans self*
LOL!
Oye…Chris is fuckin hot in that pic I love the colors! and its funny you do look like Craig David in the Grocery Store posting thats hilarious.. and im still tryna figure out why in the hell a good man like yourself is still freakin single you!!!!!???? You should be bunned up like ASAP!! I would take you on any day but happy to say I am very much taken. But I bet girls throw themselves at you on this site hahaha.. And damn I want some pancakes now! MAKE ME SOME PANCAKES CHRIS!!
lets get married.
This is the best blog I have ever read! Chris, you must be that voice inside of my head!
Luv, your page had me on the floor. Big up. You single? *kidding*
Keep up the good work, sweets.
From Toronto, Canada
Bless
Check out this site: http://www.trackshark.com/blogs/briannaglenn/2908/Diversity+Training%3A+A+debate.html
It’s about the organizer of the U.S. Olympics Trials creating a diversity committee to help the “international” athletes (they mean black) feel more comfortable.
Bro I love this website, start earning from advertising on this then you will not have to kill fellow workers, you really have a good writing style, is this your only blog?
Please do not be angry as Miles Davis because that cat was miserable, good musician but he was demonic.
You are nuts…and it’s all your father’s fault.
Are you in my head??? Everything you said was on point. Maybe because I’m a Cancer/Leo cup as well. Or maybe because I’m African American and 1/4 Choctaw. Anyways, keep it goin because your blog is da shiznit. And you’re intelligent and sexy as all get out. Do your thing!
@ Chris and Nice- When are your birthdays? I am July 22. I am also refusing to do any work today.
“@ Chris and Nice- When are your birthdays? I am July 22. I am also refusing to do any work today.”
So am I. Wow…what were the odds of THAT? Hahaha
Aw, yay! No wonder I like you, we are like twins!
Now, if your dad is a light-complextioned ex-Panther from Chicago, we may need to have a conversation…
Chris… please post about the high ass gas prices!
I’m one day before ya’ll, 7/21.
Now that is funny. I needed a laugh tonight. Thanks. Love the in need of pancakes pic.
What does everyone on here look like? Un-negative, this is me (www.myspace.com/brs2007)
myspace.com/ohsojamilah
Chris- By “near Richmond” do you mean around King William or Williamsburg? (I’m not creepy… just from VA, lol.)
So…I think I’m in love with you lol. Great blog! If you’re ever in philly, holla…
I read this entire site while at work last night. Thank you for making my ten hours memorable. I dont know if I wanna marry you yet but your random thoughts of violence are so like my own, I did catch a twinge of puppy love lol!
whoa…crazy, i just moved to NW DC last year from Richmond…your stories are pretty funny and have kept me entertained while at work….well…jeez…guess i just told on myself. You are SO RIGHT about the restaurant week snobs….OMG!!! AND THE SAFEWAY ON GEORGIA AVE NW IS THE WORST…AND YOU’RE RIGHT ABOUT WHOLE FOODS!!!LOLLLL ….i must be slowly “turning” b/c i like my organic foods now…keep the funny stories coming!^_*
Dude your eyes are green!?! They look brown in all the pics. I just went to your facebook to doublecheck.
See this is the thing about not ever noticing peoples eye colors. I had to ask this white boy what color his eyes were when I was talking to him in person. He looked at me like I was crazy. (see how I noticed the look but still not the color) I was trying to say I don’t pay attention to that shit, just tell me dammit. I assume everyone has brown eyes until otherwise stated.