Name: Chris
Sex: Male
Age: 25
Weight: 190 lbs
Height: 6′ 3″
Eyes: Green
Ethnicity: Piscataway-Conoy/African American
Marital Status: Single
Sexual Orientation: Straight
Occupation: Software Developer/Entrepreneur/Dancer
Education: B.S. Computer Science
Income: [Redacted]
Hometown: Washington D.C.
Zodiac Sign: Cancer/Leo cusp
Political Views: Social Democrat, Fiscal Republican, Tortured Soul
Celebrity Lookalikes: Will Smith, Craig David. Fuck.
I was born in Sibley Memorial Hospital in Washington D.C. – a neighborhood that would clash starkly with the one I actually grew up in (two people were stabbed in my driveway before my tenth birthday). I spent the next 18 years living in southeast D.C., coming of age under the emotionally…confusing…tutelage of my parents and older brother.
When I was eight years old, my father wanted to see how I’d respond to finding a gun – a common occurrence where I grew up. He proceeded to hide a small pistol under a shammy when I was fooling around in the garage, and he hid it in a place where he knew I’d look. I inevitably found the gun, turned to see my father hiding behind the door with a shit-eating grin on his face, and have been pretty much terrified of him ever since.
In 1993, my parents bankrupted themselves and said ‘fuck off’ to all their personal aspirations to send me to a private school in Virginia. It was at this school that I learned:
* How to write
* How to get along with white people
* Life isn’t fair
In 7th grade, the school sponsored a highly-controversial ‘Discrimination Day’, which I assume was designed to somehow teach rich white kids what it was like to be black during Jim Crow. Every day they’d randomly select a group of students to wear purple ‘outcast sashes’, which indicated that they should be treated poorly throughout the day. Teachers wouldn’t call on them or would punish them at random, and non-outcasts were encouraged to treat them like shit. Imagine the look on my face when, on the day I received the outcast sash, I found that the only other two students in the class wearing them were also black.
One of my uncles died many years ago and left us his house near the beach in Northern Neck Virginia. I was about 12 or so and running around in the woods there when I came upon a real estate agent with two people who were interested in purchasing the lot the forest was on and surveying the land. One of the men saw me, and asked “is this your property?”, to which I responded “no.” He then told me, in as many words, “then get your little ass the hell outta here!” I scuttled off and sat in my dad’s truck. The guy who yelled at me then comes out of the woods, and proceeds to angrily lecture me about respecting other people’s property (ironically, this asshole a.) was trespassing to lecture me and b.) had trespassed to enter the woods at the trailhead, which is on my family’s land.
I was at the beach house one day when my father called me from outside. I exited the house to find him holding a poisonous snake at bay…with a pump-action shotgun. He then proceeded to blow the snake’s head completely off. He said it would make me stronger.
As far as I’m concerned, these are the only parts of my life story that really matter. I pretty much stopped learning anything after I turned 13. I also really wanna make pancakes, so fuck this article.
Figure 1: What I look like when I don’t get my damn pancakes.
Redacted!
Dude!!!! I haven’t heard from you in forever. We drifted so far apart and me reading your blogs has brought me closer to you then ever before.. (Is it to late to say no homo?) Man keep it up! As an angry minority myself I agree with you 100%
Really nice work old pal you have managed to put feelings of a generation all int one place we cam ALL fnd it and relate to u should pass this on to alot of people. Hope all is well with the FAM K.I.T get at me when your in hometown *****Welcome=2=DC*****
Marry me?
wow, i’m a cancer too(with leo rising;) you’re funny as hell dude, and so dead on! ‘cept maybe with that natural hair thing–i’m a nonjudgemental nappy head. i wish more black women would embrace what God gifted them with, and appreciate that one part of themselves that society by and large, does not. don’t assume the a sister with napps is judging those who hide theirs. not all do. anywho, keep doin’ what you do.
laughed my ass off!!
i can already tell i’m going to be a huge fan of your blog. your master’s degree post is priceless. it took me a good half hour to finish because i was laughing so damn hard.
thats some crazy stuff. snake + shotgun + you. good thing it was a moose, that is if your dad could hold a moose at bay, dont stop posting
“I also really wanna make pancakes, so fuck this article.”
hahaha gaddayum!
I’ve never been a groopie, but I think I’m in love with you.
.
Thanks for the Planet of Apes review, the friggin blond apes are perplexing. I feel you about the dang educated black people. My best friend, in the non-profit world like me, keeps harassing me about getting a master’s degree. So should I acquire another 50gs of debt to make exactly 2gs more a year? Whatever.
So anyway love your blog, let me know when you want to go on a date, we can eat big fruit together,
Chris, I have never been a groupie or a joiner but I had to stop laughing long enough to say the following:
This is an excellent blog.
PS-Talk about six degrees of separation: My husband and I live in the DC metro area and I worked for a year or two @ Sibley Hospital in the Blood Bank!
I hate blogs, and I hate whne people are like,”Black people are this way, and white people are this way, and isn’t it funny?”, but you hit the nail on the head, man. especially on the ‘n’ word thing. I’m a native american who lives in MS. I live off the reservation, which around here not many of us do, so I have a lot of white friends who love to prove they aren’t racist by making racist jokes constantly, ‘cos they’re just “so comfortable with minorities.” I don’t think they get the deal. they still say “a black.” like,”Oh I was coming out of the GAP and almost ran into a black.” I keep waiting for the rest, like a black…fence post, car, dude, but no, adjectives are now nouns to these people. I also got a lot of heat after the South Park Indian Casino episode. No one talked about it the next day. it was weird, like i had a baby that died of crib death or something. And don’t get me started on how 1) white people want to be Native so bad they create false family histories (if one more white person tells about their great-great gramma who was a cherokee princess, swear to christ someone’s blood is being spilled), 2)how I can’t use the word Indian b/c the correct word is Aboriginal Indigenous First American Peoples. Anyway, awesome. you’re hilarious.
-L
I’ve been told by numerous Europeans that I too, resemble Craig David “without the beard”, whatever the hell that’s supposed to mean. I’ve also been told Tony Parker, but you’re more of the Craig David/Will Smith combo.
Outstanding…keep up the great work. If you ever do guest-blogs, I did 4 years hard time at a predominantly as well as historically caucasian college where the first Black to attend was silenced for his time.
I’ve just discovered your blog and shared it with all of my friends. I hope it doesn’t get me fired.
[...] Author [...]
Priceless!! I’m a fan!!
LMAO! I love the way you summed it all up. Too funny! Wow, what a life though…I bet you could fill a book.
Very funny! I’ve totally bookmarked the page.
I love this blog! I’m also from The City and completely understand your point-of-view on a lot of the subjects covered – especially Stupid Names, Master’s Degrees, and Titantic (I also hated that movie).
you’re beautiful, man.
i’m persian and my childhood/youth was spent moving around the states– 6 years were spent in south dakota. weekdays were white days and the weekends and summers were often spent visiting family friends on the reservations, who we met through the Baha’i community, and helping them out with moral education classes they started for the kids on their streets. my heart is still on those reservations. and at 21, i’m still struggling to take ownership of the minority experience i had in those years. keep speaking, chris, keep speaking.
much love
dorri
this was hilarious.
I just realized that picture with the flamboyant colors is you isnt it?
“I just realized that picture with the flamboyant colors is you isnt it?”
Yes it is. That’s a picture of me at a powwow near Richmond, VA sometime last year. It was VERY hot that day.
Your classic. I found your site via C&D. Thank you for your real talk.
If you ever find yourself on the left coast. Holla. As a woman of color in this sea of white noise, I’m holding it down lovely. Keep up the good word.
“I just realized that picture with the flamboyant colors is you isnt it?”
“Yes it is. That’s a picture of me at a powwow near Richmond, VA sometime last year. It was VERY hot that day.”
And 12 pounds of head dress supported only by his throat.
You are hilarious. I’m from the MD/DC/VA area as well and I hate mayo! Haahah I will check out your blog regularly.
I think I’m in love…
funny (twice)
1) your bio is pretty funny in and of itself
2) i don’t run across too many people from northern neck (anywhere).
granted, i’m in philly…but my family’s from down there.
ophelia/burgess/kilmarnock/reedville area.
small world.
dope site.
You’re hot
I have one question. Why are we so angry? Oh, sorry I am black, and angry too (but that may be because I married a white woman, but I’m not sure. I’m sure I’ll be banned from this blog now). I hate the term African-American even though my mother is British-Nigerian. I’ve been to Nigeria a few times and well they hate black americans who call themselves “African-Americans”.
And how the bloody hell can you be a Social Democrat and a Fiscal Conservative? That is nearly impossible…just ask McCain, he’s trying to run on it!
1190one.com
Okay, so this whole blog is the best blog I have ever read. All of the posts are excellent, but the Beyoncé post, Abraham Lincoln post, and the post about names are the best. I love reading this blog – it’s funny, true, and well-written.
I’d like to go see one of your powwows sometime
You look like Craig David and you’re 6’3 AND you’re angry?
*Fans self*
LOL!
Oye…Chris is fuckin hot in that pic I love the colors! and its funny you do look like Craig David in the Grocery Store posting thats hilarious.. and im still tryna figure out why in the hell a good man like yourself is still freakin single you!!!!!???? You should be bunned up like ASAP!! I would take you on any day but happy to say I am very much taken. But I bet girls throw themselves at you on this site hahaha.. And damn I want some pancakes now! MAKE ME SOME PANCAKES CHRIS!!
lets get married.
This is the best blog I have ever read! Chris, you must be that voice inside of my head!
Luv, your page had me on the floor. Big up. You single? *kidding*
Keep up the good work, sweets.
From Toronto, Canada
Bless
Check out this site: http://www.trackshark.com/blogs/briannaglenn/2908/Diversity+Training%3A+A+debate.html
It’s about the organizer of the U.S. Olympics Trials creating a diversity committee to help the “international” athletes (they mean black) feel more comfortable.
Bro I love this website, start earning from advertising on this then you will not have to kill fellow workers, you really have a good writing style, is this your only blog?
Please do not be angry as Miles Davis because that cat was miserable, good musician but he was demonic.
You are nuts…and it’s all your father’s fault.
Are you in my head??? Everything you said was on point. Maybe because I’m a Cancer/Leo cup as well. Or maybe because I’m African American and 1/4 Choctaw. Anyways, keep it goin because your blog is da shiznit. And you’re intelligent and sexy as all get out. Do your thing!
@ Chris and Nice- When are your birthdays? I am July 22. I am also refusing to do any work today.
“@ Chris and Nice- When are your birthdays? I am July 22. I am also refusing to do any work today.”
So am I. Wow…what were the odds of THAT? Hahaha
Aw, yay! No wonder I like you, we are like twins!
Now, if your dad is a light-complextioned ex-Panther from Chicago, we may need to have a conversation…
Chris… please post about the high ass gas prices!
I’m one day before ya’ll, 7/21.
Now that is funny. I needed a laugh tonight. Thanks. Love the in need of pancakes pic.
What does everyone on here look like? Un-negative, this is me (www.myspace.com/brs2007)
myspace.com/ohsojamilah
Chris- By “near Richmond” do you mean around King William or Williamsburg? (I’m not creepy… just from VA, lol.)
So…I think I’m in love with you lol. Great blog! If you’re ever in philly, holla…
I read this entire site while at work last night. Thank you for making my ten hours memorable. I dont know if I wanna marry you yet but your random thoughts of violence are so like my own, I did catch a twinge of puppy love lol!
whoa…crazy, i just moved to NW DC last year from Richmond…your stories are pretty funny and have kept me entertained while at work….well…jeez…guess i just told on myself. You are SO RIGHT about the restaurant week snobs….OMG!!! AND THE SAFEWAY ON GEORGIA AVE NW IS THE WORST…AND YOU’RE RIGHT ABOUT WHOLE FOODS!!!LOLLLL ….i must be slowly “turning” b/c i like my organic foods now…keep the funny stories coming!^_*
Dude your eyes are green!?! They look brown in all the pics. I just went to your facebook to doublecheck.
See this is the thing about not ever noticing peoples eye colors. I had to ask this white boy what color his eyes were when I was talking to him in person. He looked at me like I was crazy. (see how I noticed the look but still not the color) I was trying to say I don’t pay attention to that shit, just tell me dammit. I assume everyone has brown eyes until otherwise stated.
This blog is bang my knee on my desk hilarious! The only bad thing is it tends to bring my productivity level at work down to around 0%. Keep the posts coming though. I’ll find a way to keep myself gainfully employed in the meantime. Where in DC do the black guys with brains hang out? Too bad you’re so tall…and so young or you’d have lots of potential (I swore off younger guys after my last relationship and you are 3 years his junior).
This site is my new joy in life!!! I think you are so funny. Your choice swearwords always bring a smile to my face!!!
Thanks!
This is a great blog! Better than “Stuff White People Hate.”
An interracial-dating white Irish American (It’s only been like, what? 90 years? that Irish people became “white”).
Just found you this morning. I’m your new biggest fan. A friend refered me. Made my damn day. I would like you to explain why you are single. Obviously your choice or you are inarticulate in person or a mud duck. At any rate, thanks for sharing my fellow leo….you def have a leo’s spirit
You. Are. Hysterical.
Much DCMA love! I am a total fan after reading this!
I like your blog. Thanks for sharing. Found your blog through JenMoseley page on Twitter. You should publish your writing on http://www.LuLu.com
All the best.
i’m a cancer/leo cusp tooo!!!! we’re great people… so cynically sensitive… riiiight…
Wow, they forced you to like white people too?
Wait, I’m not allowed to say that…half of my cousins are white. Bitches…
I just wanted to agree with ‘Sister Toldja’. I read the interview on Clutch.com and I really like your blog.
just testing
Ummmm…I think I love you.
This site is flippin’ awesome! I’m pretty sure there will be a memo in my mailbox tomorrow on maintaining office demeanor after hours! My new stop for daily entertainment is here!
I accidently found your site and some of the post I have read so far had me laughing so freakin hard. I laughed even harder after I watched the NBA draft thinking about the stupid name post and the post about Vince Carter. All the silly freshmen that were drafted into the NBA w/o a college degree.
I miss the East coast, I am from Va, family in DC/Maryland/Baltimore. I am now living with stupider people in Northern California/San Francisco/Oakland area. Stupid liberals living in trees. They need help….
Sorry accidentally, lol
Thank you. Thank you. Luv. Luv. Luv.
That’s some serious body armour.
One question though…
Where’s the HK MP-5?
Man, I LOVE YOU. TOO FUNNY. But I’m not surprised because I am also a Cancer/LEO cusp and noone as funny as us.
Chris, i found your blog 2 days ago and man it is hilarious because its so very true! Can we see some more pics of you? From what I can tell, you’re hot, single and my age
LOL on a serious note tho… you have a fan in Barbados!
Chris do you like perky White girls? You are totally hot!
This site is awesome and freakin hilarious. I’m sure I almost got fired twice for laughing so loud! I would say I think I’m in love, but I hate love so I’ll go with ..Keep up the good work!
Happy Birthday ST, Chris and somebody else prolly!
GENIUS!!!
So, I noticed that you respond to comments every now and then. How often do you spend writing, responding and keeping up this blog? Do you devote your whole non-working life to it? Or do you do it instead of work?
Chris,
So in other words. You’re really fucked up? Do you think you can ever be fixed?
Not to say that as criticism to you, because most of us are fucked up too by our experiences in life; however, I think that’s what makes you the entertaining force that you are. I think I love you!
I happened to stumble across ur blog and liked it very much! I see that u have proposals of marriage in here but I have one better for u let NOT get married…..SHACK UP INSTEAD and adopt rainbow children like BRAD AND ANGIE!!
man, you are hilarious and very insightful…keep up the good work.
you are goin to make me lose my job..
also..its creepy how many women are so desperate for attention they profess their love for you on a damn blog..lol
YOU DA MAN!!!!
Finally a blog that mirrors my brand of humor. kudos on having the courage and informed opinion to vent….
signed
Angry Somalian ..who is referred to as African american in this country..bc blks and whites dont have enough sense to point Africa out on a map.
Ok, this is site is now bookmarked! How come I never came across it before?!!!
Your writing is great…Your style reminds me of “Everything But Money” by Sam Levenson. Check it out if you have a chance. It’s old like me but it will make you laugh — and more. PS. I commented on the Segway blog before I understood the comedy behind your comments. Hope to see you in print some day! Good luck–
Okay so the blog is really gone??? I thought it was just a bad dream….
Dorri said
“i’m persian ”
NO..you’re IRANIAN. There’s no such thing as Persian anymore and there hasn’t been since Persia became Iran over 20 years ago. Bitch sit down.
You seem like the black Maddox. You should keep this blog going. I love reading this shit.
you are bada$$. lay it out. but we all know there are 4 categories of white people who stumble across this piece of asphalt genius (meaning laid in reality).
1. the kind who laughs his ass off because he knows there is truth here, he had glimspes of it, he finally seen it neked & it was not sexy but like big stretched out granma panties, or alec baldwin’s digsuting back carpet, or butt flopping nudists. that being the case, laughter is the only recourse.
2.the kind who say everything you write is offensive and racist because they themselve are offensive and racist (in polite ways, of course) and their vision of themselves would explode leaving them in the spitting image of the white trash they decended from.
3.the ones who out of white liberal guilt are trying to expand their horizons and will be leading a seminar on their visceral understanding of your location’s experience which you can receive a qualifying certificate at for only $150 .They expect you to come listen to them correct your rendition. And only if you pay $150, of course.
I hope you have brought a lot of Cat 1 out. I like these kind of white people.
oh yeah, cat 4.
4.the kind who believe themselves to have experienced everything you have.
And who does not wish to pay for a hosting, is urgent here – the best free web hosting!
Bookmarked this blog – man, I wish I’d found this sooner. Pure gold!
I, too, must confess this is a great site…. NOT!!!!
Bro, listen up, you’re a nigger. Plain and simple. Aint nothing gonna change that. You can take the monkey out of the jungle, but you can’t take the jungle out of the monkey. That’s it. End of story.
No matter how much education you slap on a monkey, no matter what clothes you throw on a monkey, no matter what cologne/perfume you drench on a monkey… a monkey is still a monkey underneath…. and when nature calls you get a “nigga moment” or a “chimp out”. Then the civilized folk say, “Well, but I thought that black folk was so civilized and well-behaved. I really liked that boy.” …. Uh, wrong. REALITY CHECK!!!
1. Never turn your back on a nigger
2. Always keep a safe distance for you never know when a “nigga moment” or a “chimp out” is coming.
Now, you might say, ‘Shit, homey, dat be racist’ … but we know that it’s not. You, as a black man, what do you do when you’re around other niggers? That’s right, you turkey jive and chicken walk…. but you keep your guard up… because you know your fellow niggas can just chimp out at any moment. You see, we think alike, LeVeshon!!! Am I right or am I right? We straight? Kool dat.
Peace out my niggaz.
Wow!! Great site. Im from the UK (London) where rascism among many of your issues are very existent, but a lot more subtle and institutionalised. I think your work is truly heartfelt, composed as a necessity as opposed to some moron trying for all the wrong reasons. Thank you. Im sure your words will touch, inspire and bring reflection i many more.
P.s. I’m not cuckoo or gay lol, just appreciative.
can i say i love you?
genius. just genius.
when i need a pick-me-up, or just a good laugh i come to this page. always.