I went to a bar in Bethesda a couple nights ago. It was one of those weekdays where a friend of yours convinces you to go out and, even though you don’t intend for it to happen, you wind up getting faded and wondering how your self-promise to have only one drink turns into five, including two Long Islands*.
There were a lot of things to be pissed off about in the bar that night – The shitty alternative music blasting over speakers way too loud even for an Irish bar, the fat white chicks everywhere wearing sandals and empire waist tops, one racist goofy-looking bartender who wouldn’t serve me and the two other black people in the room…you name it.
Figure 1: Why my boy was so happy after waiting 20 minutes for a drink…I don’t know
There were also, however, an unusual number of cougars in the bar – especially for a Wednesday night. Five years ago, I would have been delighted by the presence of cougars, but in my increasingly old age I just find them angering – even when the cougars are hot (as many of them were on Wednesday). As an Indian, the most infuriating thing about cougars is what they represent: the fact that no one listens to their elders anymore.
Aside: Old People
I’m going to guess that people stopped caring about the elderly sometime during the ‘Free Love’ movement in the mid to late 1960s. I base this assumption on absolutely nothing. Ever since then, old people have been viewed less as an invaluable resource of wisdom by virtue of their having actually lived their entire lives already, and more as an inconvenience to be locked away in retirement homes to die alone and away from the only thing they care about – the very families that abandon them.
Cougars are proof that nobody is taking advantage of the wisdom old people have to offer, and I know this because many members of my family a.) are cougars, or b.) happen to be friends with a lot of cougars. In most cases, cougars are single at their ripe old age because – in their own words – they spent their youths concentrating on their careers. Contrary to popular belief, most cougars aren’t bored/neglected married housewives with affluent husbands that are too selfish/stupid to spend time with them. Rather, they tend to be very successful career women who spent their twenties and most of their thirties throwing themselves into their work and neglecting their personal relationships.
Figure 2: Hope it’s worth it!
Women aren’t the only people that to this. Men do it all the time, but the unfair truth is that men become more appealing as they age (this is women’s fault, so maybe it is fair), and they won’t find themselves shit out of options when they suddenly come up for air at age 40. Life’s a bitch. Then you die.
What the hell does this have to do with old people? Simple: people that actually listen to the invaluable things that old people have to say NEVER EVER sacrifice personal relationships to focus on their careers. Why? Because if you’re smart enough to ask an old person “if you had your life to live over again, what would you do differently”, NOT ONE OF THEM would say “you know son, I wish I’d spent more time working and less time with the people that care about me.”
All you readers out there (women in particular) thinking that they’re going to focus 100% on their careers and adopt a “live to work” philosophy, listen carefully: you WILL regret it. Especially if one day you stumble across some smartass 25 year old mocking you on the internet to an audience of thousands.
End Aside
Beyond that, cougars themselves aren’t really all that irritating. What IS irritating is the behavior of the twentysomething idiots that try to hit on them. A ‘converstation’ with between a cougar and some dickwad in a Banana Republic shirt usually goes something like this:
Biff: [approaching Cougar at the bar] “Heeeeeeeey!”
Cougar: “Well hello there.”
Biff: “What are you ladies drinking tonight?” [cougars typically travel in pairs or in threes]
Cougar: “If a handsome young gentleman is buying, I think I’ll have a Stinger”
Biff: “Oh yea, you bet!”
Biff orders three Stingers which, of course, the bartender doesn’t know how to make because it isn’t one of the drinks typically ordered by unsophisticated neophyte college educated jumping jackasses who’ve never heard of anything that isn’t in:
SELECT d.name FROM drinks AS d WHERE d.name IN (‘Rum and Coke’, ‘Red Bull and Vodka’, ‘Incredible Hulk’, ‘Sex on the Beach’, ‘Long Island Iced Tea’, ‘Cranberry and Vodka’, ‘Seven and Seven’, ‘Jaeger Bomb’, ‘Car Bomb’)
Sorry for the SQL. I couldn’t help myself. Fuck you. Anyhow, the conversation continues:
Biff: “So, you ladies in school or something?”
Cougar: [laughs annoyingly] “Oh ho, you’re too kind.”
Biff: “What?” [pretending to be confused]
Cougar: [adopting the 'sexy eye'] “I’m old enough to be your mother.”
Biff: “No way. My mother’s nowhere near as sexy as you.”
[Sound of vomiting in the background]
Cougar: “What was that?”
Biff: “That tall black/indian guy just yacked…and now he’s pointing a gun at me.”
Maybe I shouldn’t pick on them, since after all any initial conversation between two people trying to get in bed with one another is pretty damn annoying, especially if white men are involved. What’s particularly angering about conversations with cougars is how utterly formulaic and predictable they are:
Figure 3: Sad
My last interaction with a cougar happened about six months ago when Chicken Jon and I were approached by three of them at Union Jacks in Bethesda. I vaguely remember telling one of them that I was gay, while Chicken Jon tried (and failed) not to mock them to their faces. They were all southeast Asian, they all lived together, and apparently ran a ‘massage parlor’.
I’d never in my life been in more of a hurry to go home alone after a night of drinking.
*Actually, I know exactly how. The bartender was giving away $4 drinks
Aside: Stupid Comments
30 07 2008I received the following comment in the ‘Why You Shouldn’t Read This Blog’ page today:
Although I think your blog is pretty funny and I do look into it almost every day, you should take it easy on ranting about people of other ethnic backgrounds -such as Europeans and Asians. You don’t know enough about foreign countries to do that and your rants are less sarcastic as you wish, they are sometimes just ignorant and insulting. And “Why you shouldn’t read that blog” is not an excuse.
Before you write something, think how you would feel if you read something similar about black people. For example, exchange the word “persian” in your persian threat with “african-american” and reread it. Would you still laugh about it, it is ok. Would you feel offended yourself, then you should not write it. Pretty logical.
Having said this, I like most of your others posts and the humor.
Any regular readers of my blog know that I get stupid comments all the time from people of all walks of life. For some reason, however, this one struck me as particularly ludicrous, and I feel compelled to rip it apart piece-by-piece.
Although I think your blog is pretty funny and I do look into it almost every day, you should take it easy on ranting about people of other ethnic backgrounds -such as Europeans and Asians.
Why the hell do so many people assume that I give a flying fuck about what they think I should or shouldn’t be writing? Seriously, dude…why? Despite the fact that this blog became popular completely by accident, I am well aware of three things: 1.) this blog didn’t become popular by me tip-toeing around people with bleeding hearts and sensitive backsides, 2.) this blog didn’t become popular by me listening to the insanely arbitrary opinions of people carrying on about what I should or shouldn’t write, and 3.) I do not care how popular this blog is or isn’t (if I did, I wouldn’t have alienated 80% of my reader base with the ‘Black Women’ aside.)
Please please PLEASE shut the hell up about what I should or shouldn’t we writing about.
You don’t know enough about foreign countries to do that and your rants are less sarcastic as you wish, they are sometimes just ignorant and insulting.
The first clause of this sentence is perhaps the most infuriatingly hypocritical thing I’ve read in months. The author claims on one hand that I shouldn’t attack cultures I [supposedly] don’t know anything about, while at the same time attacking me as if she somehow knows enough about me to be qualified to argue what I do and do not know about other countries.
I suppose that since she’s read the title pages for the blog, she figures she’s a certified ‘knower’ of who the fuck I am. If the bar for knowing someone is set that low, then I am more than qualified to talk shit ad infinitum about – using her example – Asians and Persians.
Most of my best friends are Asian, as is one of my ex-girlfriends whose parents are native-born Chinese. I learned enough Mandarin to speak almost conversationally with her mother who barely spoke a lick of English. I can also greet people and swear in both Vietnamese and Korean. I was the Vice President of the asian club in high school.
As for Persians, they’ve been marrying into my family for years. I have a near and dear Persian cousin in law named Arrash whom my Persian article describes in vivid detail. At any of my family’s gatherings, you will find between 6 – 20 Persians struggling to choose between lamb kabobs, pork ribs, and deer steaks.
If she can know anything about me from my blog, then I’m qualified to write a fucking dissertation on Asians and Persians.
As for whether or not my posts are sarcastic…it’s not my problem if everyone doesn’t get my sense of humor. I am not running for President, and I don’t give a a flying motherfucking fuck if my sarcasm gives certain people, or even most people, indigestion. Don’t like it? LEAVE. Don’t get it? LEAVE. If you think I’m seriously racist or ignorant, then I’ve got news for you – there are bigger fish for you to fry. I get the feeling that if these motherfuckers were actually interested in changing the attitudes of real racists, they’d roll their soap box on over to the KKK website and ‘kick some knowledge’ there. But they don’t, because they’re far less interested in enacting social change than they are in hearing themselves talk and beating off to their own pseudo-intellectualism.
And “Why you shouldn’t read that blog” is not an excuse.
I love how she tacked this on at the end almost as an afterthought. She’s right though – it’s not an excuse, because an excuse is something you use to justify something wrong or inappropriate. I need not justify my blog, because there is nothing at all wrong about it. ‘Why you shouldn’t read this blog’ is intended to dissuade the ranks of the humorless from reading my blog. It’s one of the few written pieces on my site that ISN’T a joke. The point of it isn’t to coyly entice people to read more of my site – the point is to say “get the fuck off my site if you can’t laugh at yourself,” and I am completely serious about that.
If you read this warning, then read my posts and get offended anyway, you are a fucking idiot. You cannot follow simple instructions. You probably have burn scars on your hands from when your mom told you not to touch a hot stove and you did it anyway. It’s not my fault that you refuse to listen.
Before you write something, think how you would feel if you read something similar about black people. For example, exchange the word “persian” in your persian threat with “african-american” and reread it. Would you still laugh about it, it is ok. Would you feel offended yourself, then you should not write it. Pretty logical.
Now this jerkoff has the nerve to talk about me like I’m a fucking five year old. She has the nerve to talk ‘logic’ with a trained engineer. She also has the nerve to act like Black people have no idea what it’s like to be ridiculed. ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS, LADY?!?!?!?! How would I feel if I read something offensive about Black people? Is there anything about this site that implies that I DON’T watch the news everyday?
Let’s answer your question directly, though: If I went to a site run by a white guy with close black friends that featured an 800-word essay explaining that the site was a joke, and consisted of ferociously over-the-top posts bashing just about every ethnic group on the planet including mine and his…I would laugh my fucking ass off.
I guess you wouldn’t. Here’s some logic: Sucks to be you.
Having said this, I like most of your others posts and the humor.
Yea? Fuck yourself.
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