Karma is a bitch.
Several years ago when I was in college, I was walking outside near the student union with a friend of mine (this is the same guy that leaves comments on my blog under the name ‘Tom Harkin’). Across the street and walking towards us was an extremely attractive and scantily clad woman and, in typical Tom Harkin fashion, he pretty much completely lost the ability to do anything but gawk at her menacingly.
Figure 1: Tom Harkin (black dude, fifth from left), lover/hater of all women, on Halloween
Predictably, Tom Harkin was so distracted by this girl that he walked right into a fucking lamp post. I saw the pole he was going to run into, but I didn’t say anything because I knew how fucking funny it would be. I’m a dick, and I’m not apologizing for it.
Nearly eight years later, Karma came back to bite me in the ass. As I walked into the Korean Tax-Evasion deli in the office this morning to grab a sammich, there was a GORGEOUS African girl standing near the entrance. And as I affixed my Tom Harkinesque gaze on her for far too long…I walked right the fuck into a stand of chips. The whole fucking thing fell over, made an enormous metallic crashing sound, and sent several dozen bags of Doritos, Sun Chips, Fritos, and Dirty BBQ potato chips all over the floor of the place. Mr. Kim, the owner of the store, is looking at me in utter disbelief as I say “this is clearly not my fault.” The hot African girl is covering her mouth oh-so-delicately trying to politely hold in her laughter. Other people in the deli are looking at me like I just whipped out my cock and stuck in in somebody’s cheese steak. This is not a good way to start the morning.
Attractive women all over the country are constantly causing problems through the flaunting of their swankiness. Everyday, men waste hundreds of dollars in drinks, walk into poles, fall down staircases, crash their cars, and become the subjects of national embarrassment as a result of staring at irresistibly attractive women and their assorted parts.
Figure 2: And you thought he wore shades to be cool…
To this end, I’m going to offer some tips for my fellow men to gawk at attractive women without injuring or embarrassing themselves*:
1.) Stop moving. Whether you’re walking, running, driving a car, or flying a helicopter…STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING. Stop walking, pull the car over, or land the fucking whirlybird, because if you don’t you are going to crash into a fucking wall and a.) look like an idiot, or b.) die. Once you’ve come to a complete stop, make sure you…
2.) Assess the target. The only thing worse than embarrassing yourself by gawking at a hot chick is embarrassing yourself by looking at an ugly chick that only looks hot from a certain angle. A woman is likely to look more attractive than she really is if she’s standing with her back to you, bending over, doing a split, or sliding down a pole. If you’ve got a bad angle, make sure you’ve got a good one before beginning your gawk. Once you know you have a gawk-worthy target…
3.) Set a time limit. You’ve only got 3 - 5 seconds of gawking time before the woman, or other people around you, figure out what you’re doing. You must determine if you want to gawk at the face, the boobs, the ass, the legs, or the hips**, and you’re probably not gonna get them all in one gawk. You need at least 1.5 seconds to appreciate any single part of the woman’s body, so conduct triage appropriately. Now you’re ready to gawk, but be sure you…
4.) Start at the bottom…and work your way up. If, for example, you want to gawk at her ass, boobs, and face, then you must start with the legs and end at the face. This protects you in the event your gawkage goes on for too long and she whips around and catches you; you’re more likely to be caught looking at her face. But remember, as you approach the top of the body, make sure you…
5.) Adjust your face. When men see hot chicks, our faces immediately get set to stupid. The ‘I see a hot chick’ face is instantly recognizable, so you must remove this countenance as early as possible in your gawk. God forbid you get caught looking like one of these idiots:
Figure 3: Watch yourself.
Good luck, gentlemen, and happy gawking.
*I’ve found myself compelled to write this article ever since I was on a date recently, the girl got up to go to the bathroom, and I was caught staring happily at her ass as she walked away by a woman at the table next to me. She gave me the stink eye. Fuck her. Ain’t my fault the girl got a booty, dammit.
**If you gawk at anything weird, like feet or elbows or ears or some shit, kill yourself, you fucking freak.
“I walked right the fuck into a stand of chips. The whole fucking thing fell over, made an enormous metallic crashing sound, and sent several dozen bags of Doritos, Sun Chips, Fritos, and Dirty BBQ potato chips all over the floor of the place.”
Walk walk walk …. BOOP…. (profanity) sndfsgsdfgasdkgjbnasdlfigjaenrolgiudsnfl CRASH…. SHIT EVERYWHERE
LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was in the car with my friend, he was checkin out this girl to our right, dude drove up on the curb almost hit a lampost…yeah we looked stupid, she felt special damn her
- http://www.anythingblack.net
LMBAO!!!! Finally a peaceful funny topic! All too true for us poor “I see pretty girl” fellas. My favorite time was when I met this girl that for a whole year when I saw her I did something stupid. DURING A HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL GAME, the ball bounced on my head because I was so busy staring at her. I even stared long enough for her to cover her mouth to not laugh as said ball boinked off my head and into my teammate’s hands.
Happily ever after, she and I finally met later that year and have been together for 3.5 years
How sad this topic will probably turn into all of us talking about gay people or how much we hate mosquitos.
so…not to hop on a bandwagon, but your next topic should totally be about how black ppl hate the police…unless you’ve already covered this topic and i missed it.
i literally laughed out loud at your post ! abso hilare!
LOL!
A friend of mine had poured his drink all over the table oogling someone in a restaurant.. to make it worse after it spilled off the edge of the table onto his lap he hopped up screaming ‘Shit!’ with a wet lap and everyone at the table, including the woman in the fishnets walking by burst out laughing.
He still got her number though..
Not to go off topic, but since this headline - “3 detectives aquitted in Bell shooting” came up this morning, I have been waiting with hope that you would cover this topic, as I just can’t get past the pissed off stage to comprehend how this kinda b.s. just keeps happening.
@ Mr Smith… that was a nice story.
Anger Level- 7/10
Not nearly as funny… I remember when I was in high school… One dayI was getting a ride from a friend of mine’s mother. We were on Liberty Road traveling east when I spotted a very attractive young lady on the sidewalk. and my head and eyes (get your head out of gutter) managed to lock on and maintain visual contact with her as we drove past.
That was when my buddy’s mom piped up… “Don’t break your neck back there honey.”
That mess made it back to school the next day.
hb and wbeh…
Check the Hillary Post. We were discussing that earlier.
DAMMIT… now you’ve done it…
ANGER LEVEL- 8/10
LOL@Attractive women all over the country are constantly causing problems through the flaunting of their swankiness. Everyday, men waste hundreds of dollars in drinks, walk into poles, fall down staircases, crash their cars, and become the subjects of national embarrassment as a result of staring at irresistibly attractive women and their assorted parts.
hahahah thats shit is to funny..yesterday afternoon I was jogging with my dog as usual and this guy was on the opposite side of the street jogging and then looked across at me in my gray short shorts and white tank and wouldnt take his eyes away and said hi and then I said hi, well on that side of the street the sidewalk is uneven and he was at the part where the sidewalk rose so instead of paying attention to wear he was going his ass tripped and basically did a front flip and bust his face. I tried so hard not to laugh and asked him if he was ok and he looked over and gave me this dumb ass goofy face and was like “Yea damn sidewalk trying to kill me”. then not even a minute later a bunch of dudes in a car came zooming passed and then stomped on the breaks and backed up just to talk to me and a damn car was coming too…dudes trying too hard sometimes
Chris,
you know I am a big fan of yours, but how come you dont have any pics of BLACK WOMEN on here?
Just wondering.
Now, Im secretly glad the African made you knock over the chips. Ill stop hating on you tomorrow.
When accidents happen as a direct result from gawking it makes a girl feel so damn cute
I looooove making accidents happen.
However, I am sooooooooo fucking pissed about this bullshit! I want riots. I’m tired of this bullshit, still feels like Jim Crow.
LMFAO @ AF
LMAO! aww i’m sorry you fell into a whole damn stand of chips!
the funniest thing i’ve ever seen was when me and my hubby were walking in manhattan and this superbad woman was coming up the block (yes I can say a chic was bad even though I’m a woman). Anyway, not only did all of the male walking traffic completely stop, hubby completely stopped his train of conversation we were having to stare! and did a neck break checkin out the back. all of this was witnessed by her jerk off looking dude who was basking in the triumph the whole time.
I feel bad for my homeboys sometime because men are so visual they just can’t even help it.
Let’s take this one step further.
Women who hate attractive women.
Let’s discuss…
AWWWWW, LOL! I’d be flattered if someone ran into something looking at me! I had something like that happen before, but the dude was….yeah, no. But it was still flattering.
Chris-There is a paucity of attractive women in the pictures in a post titled Attractive Women. In other news, guess who is feeling like a RAVING bitch today? (But I am sure all is forgiven, because I used my powers for good today when that White girl came at you wrong, didn’t I?).
It’s fucked up when dudes beep their horns at you when your enjoying a walk with your hubby…this happened 2 weeks ago when we were walking the dog…what cracks me up is when I go get the mail on the weekend still in my scruffy PJ’s and dudes stare and holler..Im like damn I didnt even comb my hair yet and you think im cute still…hahah
Im sorry, Im leaving work as one cracka just walked by my office on her way to lunch stating “Whats the big deal, those policeman were hispanic and black”
Notice how oliver, the cracka cop, reloaded his semiautomatic to spray 31 bullets by him damn self.
Let me get outta here before I start my own personal riot. Have a good weekend everyone. stay in the house, dont get shot. If your in SC, dont get pulled over, they will chase your ass down and hit you with a car AND videotape it.
Im not kidding.
@ Lindsay- Can we though? I don’t understand it. My pretty plus your pretty equals more pretty. A good looking woman doesn’t do anything to hurt me, so long as she doesn’t actually do anything to hurt me! These heffas out here working in these stores and restauraunts, drinking in the bars, shopping, driving, etc and giving pretty girls the screw face for NO REASON. And God forbid you are light-skinned with a certain hair texture*! Then you are the bitch of the world to one of these women, until you jump through hoops to prove you are “cool” or down.
I don’t think I am the finest thing ever, but everyday since I can remember, someone has told me that I am good looking. And on damn near all of those days, some woman has treated me with some funky ass attitude. Do better sisters.
*-These features are NOT the source of any woman’s attractiveness, nor do they guarantee attractiveness. But you know how our people can be…
Hilarious post!!!
The worst is the stalker-drive-along-side-you-while-you-walk-somewhere guy. Ugggghhh!
@scarletjones
I wont lie, I would probably have been staring at her too… sometimes you just gotta appreciate beauty.
As much as we try to play it cool, as soon as a beautiful woman walks by, we automatically lose 130 IQ points. This is coming from a dude that walked into a metal door when he saw this one female on campus a few weeks back…
@ Mrs Epps,
If that’s annoying, you woulda hated my cousins and me this past summer. Hurricane Chris fueled out ignorance at Bethany Beach in Delaware. Whether the girls were tannin’ in their lil bikinis on the beach or te board walk or downtown, none of em were safe from our boarder line harrassing, still cute cuz it got us numbers “Aye Bay Bay!”s.
Wow wow wow wow wow….. I’m mad late but….
TOM HARKIN?!?!?!
@ Lindsay:
Let’s take this one step further.
Women who hate attractive women.
Let’s discuss…
I have one friend like that. Every sentence start with ’she thank she awllat..’ She just throws grease, shade, hate for no reason. And half of the chicks she hates on aren’t even that attractive.. they’re all buttafaces. For me to find someone attractive they have to have a cute face.. there are women who look like they hail from Easter Island and she’ll be like ’she thank she cute in her baby phat… flippin her hair and shit.. i can’t stand bitches like that..’ I’m like WTF? It’s a self esteem thing.. i have to tell her like what Jay Z said ‘what she eat don’t make you shit..’ Get over it. There is always going to be someon prettier than.. skinnier than.. lighter than.. darkter than.. has bigger breasts than.. has bigger butt than..
Like you said ST, one woman’s pretty doesn’t take away from the other. It’s like when a woman walks into a room and she looks ‘breathtaking’. All the men look and a good portion of the women scowl.. now why you gotta go and do that love, huh? Being comfortable in your skin is one of the most attractive things you can do..
wtf is darkter?? SMH @ myself
“Other people in the deli are looking at me like I just whipped out my cock and stuck in in somebody’s cheese steak. This is not a good way to start the morning.”
Resisting … Urge… To… Explode with Laughter… At work
I have a rule about having ugly friends. Rule being that I don’t. LMAO.
Gee Maya,
As your friend, I’m flattered.
Lindsay-I cant stand those women that hate on pretty women. Some of my friends do that too. Like say we go out to the club orsomething and they see this girl who is very pretty getting attention from dudes or whatever… they wanna say one of three statements sometimes all.
1. That pretty bitch
2. I cant stand those pretty bitch that get all the dudes int he club
3. Look at her and her pretty ass acting like a club hoe
HATING ASSES!!
Sister Toldja- I agree with you for the most part of my life I have been that girl that was pretty and was well known in school and was cool with everyone but there was always everywhere i went that hating ass bitch that would give me the stink eye liek she knew me.
What I also cant stand is the pretty girls with ugly attitudes. Like they think that because they are attractive and stuff they can be a complete bitches to everyone else. The girl that always says Dont be mad cuz your ugly and I’m not. Those vain ass bicthes make me wanna go Postal on their asses.
I had a friend that I had to let go that would always hate on one of my friends calling her ugly and shit like that. Like I mean she wasnt the most attractive girl of the bunch but she had a beautiful attitiude which made her pretty in my eyes plus a little eyeliner hahah. But you get what I saying.
And what I hate the most about society what they say is pretty and what is not. Society says rail thin,tan but not black, straight hair, fake boobs and blue eyes is pretty an d say thats what every man dreams about. What man wants to hug let alone fuck a girl that is nothing but bones? Could imagien fucking some chick from behind and her ass bones as sharpe as a knief hitting up against you hahahah i think not.
Not cute.. http://drx.typepad.com/psychotherapyblog/images/2007/08/22/twiggy.jpg
Seems like everybody’s in a good mood today! This one and Mr. Smith’s story had me crackin’ up.
Also, excuse my ignorance, but what’s SMH?
Mr Smith-If that’s annoying, you woulda hated my cousins and me this past summer. Hurricane Chris fueled out ignorance at Bethany Beach in Delaware. Whether the girls were tannin’ in their lil bikinis on the beach or te board walk or downtown, none of em were safe from our boarder line harrassing, still cute cuz it got us numbers “Aye Bay Bay!”s.
hahahha this is Mr Smith 50 yrs from now..
http://youtube.com/watch?v=T9×8MenjAmc
zoso-SMH=shake my head
OOOH Mrs. Epps! where you find that video of my crazy ass uncle? haha just playin.
That reminded me of my time living in atlanta as an undergrad. It’s a shame that it really works on some women.
hahahah@ scraletjones girlllllll youtube has everydamn thing int he world hahahah and yes i have witnessed the same thing in atlanta going to a morehouse party…me and my friends drove from jax florida for that let me holla holla holla holla bullshit I was pissed but it was still a good party.
As a girl who went from ‘nothing special’ in the looks department in elementary-middle school to dudes having unprofessed and unrequited crushes on me in high school (I think I look the same, but whatever), I am truly baffled when I get the stink-eye from some girl/woman/old lady for no other reason (because they don’t know me, so what else could it be?) than how I look, it puzzles and saddens me.
Even when I wasn’t considered attractive (I may still not be, depending on the person’s taste), I didn’t ‘hate’ on the girls who were. I was friends with all of them, and I was secure in myself (ironically, the ones who were pretty back then are now 20-30 lbs. overweight now and aren’t catching much attention).
This ties in very well with the women-hating women post of a few days ago.
i know someone besides me has been to the greek here in philly.
oh the things that i have seen.
one year, when a friend was going through her “i’m a lesbian because men suck” phase, she was staring at some chick’s ass and almost hit a cop. it was the funniest thing that i have ever seen.
@ Mrs. Epps - What I also cant stand is the pretty girls with ugly attitudes. Like they think that because they are attractive and stuff they can be a complete bitches to everyone else. The girl that always says Dont be mad cuz your ugly and I’m not. Those vain ass bicthes make me wanna go Postal on their asses.
Yesss.. Some women let it go to their head that so many guys find them atttractive and they start acting like Caroline (think Outkast, Roses). I can’t stand that.. that whole ‘Attractive people don’t need personality, we look good, personality is for ugly people’ credence that some attractive people have is just annoying
I cannot spell today.
I also want to say that guys can be equally as guilty of the aforementioned credence, except they’re usually a little more irreverent with theirs..
Lol@ benjie i have a friend like too but she has always been bisexual and it was funny one day going to the beach in Miami there was this chick on the beach laid out with no top on. I mean my friend flat out was drooling liek she was about to get breastfeed walking down the stairs to the beach and missed like 3 steps and fell forward. I was laughing my ass off for the rest of the day.
while everyone is on the subject of women-hating women and pretty vs. ugly, someone put me on to a Tyra episode (shame on me and my soul I actually watched it!) last night where she was talking about skin color and light vs. dark skinned and the issues surrounding it.
of course the “pretty hating” subject came up, but it was mostly just another avenue for tyra to work out her personal issues on tv.
by the way, who the hell is Tyra tryna be? Oprah, Ricky, or Geraldo?
Right@ Lady…dont get me started on the men girlllllllllllll i think i said this in one of my comments before but my ex-boyfriend was one of those mutha fukaz! Dude swore that everyone else was the toilet and he was the shit(ref.from a lil wayne song on carter II). Like I mean he was a pretty boy too, lightskinned, built, 6′3, bald, packing down below, pretty smile all that shit but the side effects of being with this assclown was urge to bomb his car, vomitting, uncontrolable crying, bitchiness,urge to kill him and his bitchass friends. Dude would hate on everyone…HAD TO CUT HIM OFF
Hi. At least the African girl didn’t steal your penis.
So why do men honkat/holla out of the window at women? What’s the logic since men are so logical? I guess the prospect of sex trumps logic.
I think I saw that one too scarletjones…SMH black is fuckin black to me dark, light, medium, chocolate,pastey brown,yella,golden brown,bronze, cinnamon black is fuckin black dammit.
I think Tyra is shooting for Jenny Jones hahah sike naw you know her ass want’s to be the next Oprah..I cant watch Oprah she makes wanna take a nap sometimes her and Martha Stewart should read to preK kids right before nap time…
@scarletjones LOL, Tyra is always putting her personal shit on tv. That Naomi Campbell bit is the most egregious example.
I’ve had several weird encounters with guys where they ran into things/fell down stairs but this is the funniest one and has a woman-hating-on-”pretty”-girl. So I went to a club one night with some friends of mine. I walk up to the bar (and as I was underage at the time) tried to get a bottle of water. This mangy looking dude came up to be and asked me if he could buy me a drink and I said no I’m getting some water. He’s like, well can i buy your water? I said no and he shuffled off. Literally a second and a half later this very tall Amazonian woman came up with her equally tall friends, gave me the stink eye and said LOUDLY: “Look at that lil short bitch thinkin’ she cute cuz some dude wanna talk to her.” I just wandered off in shock and was feeling kinda down when this dude who was walking briskly toward me and staring at my boobs ran full on into a railing and squashed his um…down there area. Poor guy dropped to the floor in pain and we actually had a lovely chat afterward about guys staring at girls.
Another guy ran into a lamppost on his bike and I don’t know how many times I’ve had guys do the creepy follow me with their car thing. When will guys realize that it freaks girls out? I feel like at any moment they are gonna stop the car and pull out a gun and attack me.
Nobody…. knows… the trouble I see…. Nobody knows… but Jesus.
mrs. epps- it got to the point where my friends and i just started referring to her as “bi-seasonal”, b/c it seemed that she only liked girls in the summer, when they were half dressed. she has since found the lord and is looking for a man.
lmao @ knaturalbeauty. i read the penis stealing article the other day. i almost fell out of my chair
So I gotta pre-face this in that I live in an area/go to an institution that’s predominately white. But I’ve noticed these common things regardless of if I’m in this town, or elsewhere:
White females are still considered intelligent/classy, etc regardless of if they’re wearing practically nothing- ultra see through _, thongs, ultra tight short shorts with letters on the booty, you name it, or anything - CROCS.
Of course they’re going to school and gettin’ a degree.
On the contrary, let a black female wear something like this:
http://mediaext.drjays.com/media/189/811/files/1898118.jpg
http://mediaext.drjays.com/media/208/865/files/2088653.jpg
http://mediaext.drjays.com/media/216/706/files/2167066.jpg
and rest assured she can’t possibly be intelligent. Nope. She got in cause of affirmative action. Pisses me off.
@AF and the negro spiritual —-> *expiring*
@NB - yeah man, i think that Tyra just don’t wanna pay her therapist anymore…. which was a wise decision because that fool was worthless if she still workin on some of this shit!
The craziest thing i’ve ever had said to me was from some dude in the passenger side of a car. he get’s his boy to stop so he can deliver this gem: “Girl you almost made me have a car accident…. and i ain’t even DRIVIN!”
HAHAHAHA. AF is on a roll with me today.
Let’s talk about how on Tuesday morning I’m driving to go get my Barack the Vote on and some coon tries to get me to do a U-Turn on the block so his walking-pedestrian ass can try to holler. He obviously saw me laughing at his simple ass when I peeped him walk into a mailbox ’cause his eyes were all across the street with me and mines instead of on the path in front of him. So he continues to make these big arm motions to signal me over, and shouts, “C’mere, c’mere real quick!” from across the street. Clearly, I had one simple question for folks that day:
“Nigga, did you vote?”
“Oh yeah. Yeah, ma…I just came from voting.”
“Mmhmm…and who did you vote for?”
“Oh. Me? I voted for Barack Obama. Yeah, yeah. That’s how we do over here!”
Coonery at its finest.
AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA@Not Blonde’s story. The ‘pretty vs. ugly’ debate - hilarious. It happens everywhere, while shopping, filling a gas tank, eating lunch, hair salon - everywhere. When I pass people on the street, women & men, I usually make eye contact and smile/nod. It kills me how women will look away or not smile back. I’m not trying to get your number, just saying ‘hello’.
COONERY AT ITS FINEST!!!!!!!!!!! LMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I hate over exaggerated dudes like that. Come on… get some class. (shaking head)
right @ knatrual..the women in our new neighbohood were just like that when we moved in our house back in January. These Upper Marlboro bitches will stank eye the shit out of you. After the 1st few weeks when I would see one of them outside and stuff I would say hi and they would look at me like i was fucking crazy to even speak or look in their direction. Now that its been almost 4-5 months here they finally want to talk to me. LIek they would say hi to my hubby all the time but not me ever until now. YOU CANT EVER BE NICE TO BITHCHES!! Ahhh
Sidebar: I’m still watching CNN - one of these coons said “I want to thank my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ” and I wanted throw something at my TV.
Then the white boy says something about “his pal” and something or another.
The other coon is the only one who apologized to the Bell family.
I can’t handle real life right now. Going to get a mindless manicure and go party with Kappas and drink NUPE juice until I can’t see straight. Holler scholars.
Ride the Scooter.
@ Maya- I’m with you on that one. Between politics, the Sean Bell verdict and the fact that I cannot find a new job to save my life, reality is really kicking my ass today.
Kudos to the light-hearted post today, though. The whole chip scenario with the attractive woman did cause me crack a smile this afternoon; hopefully my face won’t break.
@Maya… Kappas? You’re killing me.
AF–LOL…what’s wrong with a Kappa party and some Nupe juice? I just wish the Divine Nine where I stay had parties!
From the ignorant nigga files:
So this dude, who looked and smelled like Jim Jones, rolls up like “Yo, ma, you the most beautiful woman I ever seent” and I tell him “Thanks”. And he’s like “So, what’s next? I feel like this is love at first sight.” And I of course lie and see I have a man. And he says….”What does that have to do with me licking that (NO HE DIDNT) and that (YES HE DID!) until you (HELL NO!) all over my tounge”. I damn near vomited all over the street. Oh, can I mention that I was listening to Queen Latifah’s “Fly Girl” at the moment? This is the song where she complained about the phrase “Yo baby”. Shiiiiit, I will take a “Yo baby” with a side of “Come here, sexy” any day of the week compared to this MF!
And, seeing my reaction, he says “I am sorry if I offended you. I guess I gotta go home and commit suicide now, huh?” I told him “Yes, please.”
@ Sister Toldja
Why would a man even want a woman who responds positively to some shit like that? That’s disgusting.
I’ve heard some pretty nasty ish in my day as far as “pick up lines” but that’s just disgusting.
I usually get older men hitting on me, divorced, married, close to retirement age, old enough to be my father.. unfortunately age doesnt make a difference in the nasty factor.. sometimes the older men are worse. The shit didn’t work with you in 1972, why would it work now??
yo!
i just got a text message from some random dude that i stopped talking to weeks ago…
“damn and i was gonna eat that right”
like that was gonna make me want to call him.
sheesh…
ooh and the time that some dude told me (and i quote)
“no disrepect ma, but i’m tryna pound”
*dead*
ST-So this dude, who looked and smelled like Jim Jones, rolls up like “Yo, ma, you the most beautiful woman I ever seent” and I tell him “Thanks”. And he’s like “So, what’s next? I feel like this is love at first sight.” And I of course lie and see I have a man. And he says….”What does that have to do with me licking that (NO HE DIDNT) and that (YES HE DID!) until you (HELL NO!) all over my tounge”. I damn near vomited all over the street. Oh, can I mention that I was listening to Queen Latifah’s “Fly Girl” at the moment? This is the song where she complained about the phrase “Yo baby”. Shiiiiit, I will take a “Yo baby” with a side of “Come here, sexy” any day of the week compared to this MF!
Girl I think his brother tried to hit on me with the same pick up line..ol scruffy looking ass at the bar with no type of home trainning yelling in my fucking ear like I was deaf. everytime i hear this line “well whats your man got to do with me” makes me wanna scream. If your a real man and not a boy don’t ever use that shit. You will never get a real woman like that.. maybe a girl who could carless about her current boyfriend but a woman hell no! Dudes always try that crap on me and then gets mad when his 1/2 washed ass gets rejected and has the nerve to call me an ugly bitch for it. That she cracks me up when dudes say that. I’m like ok now I’m an ugly bitch because I didnt want to sgtrip down right there and start fucking him. NIGAAA PLEASE leave the high shcool kiddie shit at home. I’ll be the bitch!
Lady, I wanted to cry. I honestly felt violated. I want to meet the bitch (no miso) who has responded to that type of ish positively so I can beat her ass on behalf of all remotely decent women.
“You got some nice lips” and “I like your legs” are also cause for upset. I will say this- the only men who use lines like this with me are the unattractive, schlubby ones who I would talk to under no circumstances ANYWAY. No good looking man has ever came at me this way, and thank God, because I am such a sucker for a pretty face….I’d make myself reject him though…..
@Mrs. Epps–I’m so a fan of yours.
@ Sister Toldja–
“And, seeing my reaction, he says “I am sorry if I offended you. I guess I gotta go home and commit suicide now, huh?” I told him “Yes, please.””
LMBAO Gurl, that was brilliant.
@ ST
The worst thing I ever heard is when I was leaving a club. It was warm, and I had on a baby doll top that showed a moderate amount of cleavage. I dont go out assaulting people’s eyes with my breasts, it wasn’t slutty or anything. This goon grabs my arm and his other hand is squeezing his you-know-what and he yells ‘damn ma, is them tiddies real?’. So I yanked my arm from him and yelled ‘Fuck is wrong with you don’t grab me MF I dont know you!’ this fool has the nerve to try and curse ME out… i was like now ain’t this a bitch.
One time I was out with my brother, we went to McDonalds.. the cashier kept smiling at me and i smiled back cause I didnt want him to rub his balls on my food.. he put the fries down and I took one out and I was like ‘Whoa Jerel, look how long this one is!’ and the cashier was like ‘oh bebe.. you like long? i got something for you’ and my brother damn near hopped over the counter LOL.. I’m saying though for all he knew that could have been my man.. in both cases the men were in their 30’s at least and I was in my early twenties… no class.
@ Mrs Epps.
I know what you mean with the “you a ugly bitch” thing. I have had that happen a ridiculous amount of times. They try to talk to you, you reject them in some way and they always say something along the lines of : “Fine bitch, you ugly anyway” or “I didn’t want your ugly ass anyway” or “I wasn’t tryna hit your ugly ass, you lucky I was talkin to you” or “Imma get me a bitch who knows what she want” (that is a real quote, by the way). I was thinking, dude I know what I want and it sure as hell isn’t you.
I think of a man. And then I take away reason and accountability.
Oh and benjie
“no disrepect ma, but i’m tryna pound”
Ew and a half. Zero class.
When girls wear boobie-revealing clothing, do they get offended when guys look at the boobies, or do they only get offended if the guy says something crass?
hahaha thanks@ The Cruel Secretary..but there be some damn fools out here. And lady just named one of them “The Arm Grabber at the club or outside of it”
THAT MOTHER FUCKER MAKES ME WANT TO go all Ninja Warrior on his bitchassness ass hahha. Aint nothing worse than a dude that has the nerver to grab you by the arm tryna talk to you! This has happened to me 99% of the time I go out with my girlfriends. These dudes must want an ass whoopin or a kick in the balls. Like do they actually think that by grabbing you your going to stop and talk to them?! Next dude that grabs me at the club or the bar is getting a extra beat down for all the dudes that did that to every woman on this earth dammit. NO HOME TRAINNING!
Chris- I get offended at excessive staring. If I catch you sneaking a glance, I’m not mad. In fact, if I am attracted to you, then I may be glad that you are appreciating my girls. But outright staring for long periods of time or ignorant comments are dammned offensive. It makes you feel uncomfortable or even like you did something wrong….plus, it shows you that the dude has NO restraint, which is such a turn off.
“When girls wear boobie-revealing clothing, do they get offended when guys look at the boobies, or do they only get offended if the guy says something crass?” -SBPH/Chris
If my ass and/or boobs are deliberately exposed, I can’t get offended. No offense
but I believe we invite crass remarks. The laws of attraction maybe; if I think someone is gonna say something crass, someone will say something crass. It’s all about one’s posture (usually). Buuuutttt, there are some truly idiotic, low-life dudes out there that will say whatever, no matter how you carry yourself. I usually just don’t vibrate toward those people.
Chris-When girls wear boobie-revealing clothing, do they get offended when guys look at the boobies, or do they only get offended if the guy says something crass?
Honestly women do get offended but they shouldnt be. They chose to wear that shirt or skirt that shows everything. But damn if your tryna get at the girl dont automaticlly go for “damn girl are your titties real”. thats just fucked up and kinda disrespectful. Us as women already know that by wearing the shirt or skirt will gain attention and men are usually draw to body parts anyways so we are use to it..
I don’t get offended if a guy looks, as long as he isn’t staring too long. I’d say longer than 5 seconds. If he looks away for a bit and then revisits I’m not mad either. If I’m wearing a shirt that exposes I have to expect it.
If he says something crass like ‘is them tiddies real?’ then that sends me into a rage. That’s just rude and disgusting to ask an aquaintance let alone a stranger.
@ Mrs. Epps
The fact that you watch Ninja Warrior, and probably Unbeatable Banzuke makes you cool in my book!
Chris, most women only get offended if you say something crass. Of course, gross staring i.e. holding your junk whilst staring or having your tongue hang out or something of that nature is unacceptable as well. Just looking, not so bad. But as Sista Toldja said, keep the staring to a minimum.
I don’t wear booby revealing tops though. My boobies are on the large side so I keep them under serious wraps and yet I still get the assclowns coming up and grabbing my arm and shit.
when they say something crass.
i mean, they’re intelligent, non-offensive ways to say “nice rack”.
its just that a lot of men don’t want to think hard enough to say those things. so instead they scream random shit out of cars and across streets.
Lady@ I LOVE NINJA WARRIOR and UNBEATABLE BANZUKE WHOOO GO G4 that shit is hilarious…I love laughing at the 1/2 naked loin cloth wearing dudes and that old guy they call Squid man or watever that never makes it pass the 1st course hahahahah its especially funny when your 1/2 drunk. That new course looks soooo hard I wouldnt even attempt it..
Ladies… If I may… I would like to present a turn in the tables… a slight juxtapose for the lack of better terms…
Though socially… it would be deemed as fairly freakish… what would you say if you saw a man, packing a nice wad in his croch… yet was wearing a set jeans that accentuated its appearance such that it was overly apparent. What would you do?
a) Catch a quick peek and hold your dignity?
OR
b) state in utter awe and attempt to calculate erected size and length?
OR
c) letter b PLUS guess whether or not he was gay?
“I was caught staring happily at her ass as she walked away by a woman at the table next to me. She gave me the stink eye…”
Too funny. I always have to keep from laughing when I catch a guy checking out the booty. They THINK they are being discreet. But then again, when a gal is showing her ass cleavage pro’lly the entire room is looking. But that was the point of them $150+ jeans, wasn’t it?
Dammit I am having issues with spelling:
b) “STARE in utter awe…”
I watch both of those shows religiously.. yea, since the redesigned the course everyone has taken an L.. it’s funny as hell though!
Cool, i have a G4 sista in here lol.
like Seinfeld said, it’s like looking at the sun, don’t stare too long
And women play mind games, like they’re testing guys all of time. If a guy sees boob/ass, especially in club, he is not thinking about your beautiful mind, sharp wit, or jazz collection. Sorry. He’s thinking about boob. And ass. Especially ass.
@AF
a) and c minus b)
Sneak a peek and guess if he was gay.
Haha I’m with you gals, Ninja Warrior is funny as hell, but it’s got nothing on laughs compared to MXC though.
@AF
For a guy to wear pants like that I’d have to wonder if he was gay.. the only guys who wear nuthuggers around here also happen to gay.
I hate to leave after saying that, but it’s quitting time.. I’ll pick this up at home lol.
P.S. I’d be lying if i said i wouldnt get a quick glance though. Penis is penis.
@AF
If the pants are tight, first thought would be gay/european. Second impulse is laughter….can’t help but feel sorry for the dude on the receiving end of that.
SMH, why does it always end up being about sex LOL
yes@MXC and Ninja Warrior. I like Attack of the Show! also.
Admiral, tight jeans on guys is gey, yes G-E-Y, gey, pronounced as ‘gay’.
However, if the junk looks good in nice-fitting jeans, I choose a) catch a quick peek. Besides, size alone is not a clear indicator of skill.
funny, funny post!
but i don’t get the anger…really, guys, what’s there to be mad about? your (borrowed from the UAE) $600 (that’s the same in Canadian dollars) rebate (pacifier laced with cyanide) check is on it’s way (my mailman opens my mail so who knows if i’ll get it), so, cheers!
“P.S. I’d be lying if i said i wouldnt get a quick glance though. Penis is penis”
damn straight
Off topic kinda..Has anyone heard that new Usher song-Love in this club?
Well he has a line in it were it said somehting like I want to make love on the floor of this club some crap like that.
After hearing that line a few times I wanted to gag. What club does he go to that has clean floors? Thats fucking gross. The clubs that I have been to so far including Love, Fur, H20, and some others in Jacksonville Fl the floors were grimmy. Stuff you will find on the club floor when they turn the lights on when they close.
1. drunk white girls
2. Vomit
3. Booze, cups and those lil sippy starws
4. used condoms(yes I’ve seent hat shit)
5. Unreconizable shit
$60 For those new red pumps with the yellow sole
$25 to enter the hottest club in town
$30 on drinks
$20 on drink some random guy that you like bought
Getting drunk and glued to the floor from the sticky shit on the ground and gum in your hair and fucking some random dude on the club floor because he heard it in a song and then find out 3 weeks later he gave you the clap.
Priceless…
LOL @ AF! I had a male roomate once and he came out his room in just his boxers. I wasn’t really attracted to him persay, but something about the position of the moon, the time of day and my natural curiosity got the best of me and I couldn’t help but to try and look for Jimmy. I, for one moment, appreciated the frustration of men.
Women do have it easy in this lane, in regards to our own need to ogle. I, for one, really like broad shoulders and a cute face. But you can’t usually tell when I am eye fucking a guy, unless I want him to know.
THE CLAP! BWAHAAAAAAAA!
Drunk white girls on the floor after the club closes!
Did you know that BULLSHIT song was produced using two synths from Garage Band? Hot MESS.