Stuff Black People Hate

There are exactly five categories of asian women in America*:

1. Ones that only date asian people (35%)
2. Ones that only date white people (35%)
3. Ones that will date outside their race, but only if they’re white (20%)
4. Ones that freely date anyone of any race (1%)
5. Ones that date anyone of any race, but consider it a public service (9%)

Category 5 is the one I’m going to jump up and down on today.

I’ve had the pleasure (and misfortune) of dating exactly four asian women, one of whom I nearly married. My skin color left me eligible only to the ten percent in categories 4 and 5, and unfortunately only one of them was in category 4.

The one category 4 girl had a hard life growing up. Both her parents were killed in Vietnam while trying to escape the country during the war. As such, this girl grew up with a very low bullshit tolerance that, among many other things, kept her from being willing to filter her dating pool based on race. She also views the war as the fault of white people - so unlike many asian females, she never bought into the idea of superiority of the white male (see Subtle Racism I)***.

Figure 1: You prefer THIS GUY over an asian dude?!?!?!?!?

The other three chicks were category 5’s. Being slow as I am sometimes, I didn’t even realize that category 5 existed until fairly recently when I unexpectedly found myself with a lot of free time to think. I know there are some black men reading this blog that are dating asian women. I hope I’m not blowing up your spot or anything, but take a moment to examine the following warning signs that you might be dating a Cat 5:

• She tells you that none of her friends date black people
• She tells you she had apprehensions about dating black people
• She tells you her parents don’t approve of her dating you
• She tells you about how often she defends her relationship with you to her parents and/or friends

Granted, there’s nothing wrong with a girl telling you these things in and of themselves. There’s also nothing wrong with the girl telling you these things if you happen to ask. What’s wrong about these statements is her motivation in telling you when she does so a.) for no apparent reason, or b.) when you get in an argument with her.

All four of the statements above have a single sentence as their lowest common denominator:

“I am doing your black ass a favor by being so kind as to date you.”

This statement is two parts racist, one part hubris. I’ve dated women of every race on the planet (except for middle-easterners), and my experience has been that this “doing you a favor” attitude is held ONLY by Cat 5 asian women. This can be blamed on exactly three things:

1. White men
2. Jim Kelly
3. Viacom

White dudes have been obsessed with asian women ever since the occupation of Japan after WWII. Japanese women were an exotic, submissive, and a swanky alternative to Rosie-inspired American women who were justifiably asserting more and more independence and putting up with less and less bullshit.

Figure 2: Personally…I’ll take Rosie.

Cold War conflicts in Korea, Vietnam, Laos, and Cambodia gave them even more yellow fever as refugees poured into the U.S. and made them easily accessible. Today, an asian woman is the most highly coveted prize of a white man, which is ironic because of how easy it is for them to obtain this prize. Asian girls will date virtually ANY white dude no matter how ugly he is and no matter how much of a jerk he is; the only thing that matters is that he’s white and a yuppie. For white people, finding an asian woman to date is like finding water in the ocean.

Black men have never been obsessed with asian women; it’s been more of a fascination. It started with Jim Kelly in Enter the Dragon - specifically the scene with him lounging around in his kung fu pimp hut with a flock of hot asian chicks from Hai Phong or some shit (anybody else find it fucked up that the only black character in Enter the Dragon was lynched?).

Figure 3: God hates you.

Anyhow, Viacom took over after that. Every tritely sexual black music video since 1994 has included semi-nude asian girls (or black girls with ‘chinky eyes’) re-enacting the kung fu pimp hut scene of Enter the Dragon in some form or another, pushing an asian ideal of female beauty on black men that we don’t even really accept in the first place.

Figure 4: This is NOT what we should be shooting for.

This six-decade epidemic of yellow fever has left the modern asian woman with a sense of her own beauty as overinflated as a black woman’s is underinflated. Anyone that’s ever been to a mixed club has experienced the stratospheric ego of even the ugliest asian female. But while they have a humble attitude toward white men (who they view as superior), they have a princess-and-the-pauper attitude when it comes to black dudes (who they view as inferior). What makes this so infuriating is the fact that, beyond having a college degree, 99% OF ASIAN WOMEN DON’T HAVE ANYTHING BLACK MEN WANT:

• Booty
• Boobs
• Lips
• Skin tone between honey and dark dark chocolate
• Rhythm
• Humility
• Basic knowledge of (good) hiphop, r&b, neo-soul, jazz, and black theater
• Basic knowledge of social, economic, and political issues confronting black people
• Cooking skills
• A sense of humor

While I and other black men like me, notwithstanding the fact that we aren’t white, have EVERYTHING they want…

• Height
• Lips (asian girls don’t admit they want this)
• Butt (asian girls don’t admit they want this)
• Rhythm
• “Street Cred”
• Wit
• High income
• College degree
• Culture
• Appreciation for the classical arts

My new purpose in life is to, on behalf of every asian man and black man subjected to an asian girl’s bullshit, be an unmitigated asshole to these women for as long as I live.

I need a black girlfriend, a bottle of wine, and whole lot of fucking therapy.

*This is according to the research firm Carlyle, Fisk & Rhodes**
**This research firm does not actually exist
***It should be noted that her sister did buy into it, and is dating the 2nd stupidest looking white man I have ever seen