God created rain to tell black women they shouldn’t straighten their hair.
Figure 1: “Hi! I’m a moron!”
You’ll notice that black women who wear their hair naturally don’t seem to worry all that much about what water (the most abundant…thing…on the planet) will do to their hair, and this is what makes these girls fucking awesome. Many women who straighten their hair, however, are an intolerable burlap sack of boring because they can’t do shit since it might fuck their hair up. The following is an abbreviated list of fun shit that black women with straightened hair can’t/won’t do because of water:
- Run around in a rain storm
- Go snorkeling, swimming, or scuba diving
- Participate in a wet t-shirt contest
- Go outside on a humid day
- Save your life if you fall off a boat
- Exercise (is there a correlation between this and straight-haired women buying empire waist tops? Decidedly yes.)
- Join the Navy
Our women will go to extraordinary lengths to keep their newly straightened doo in place. They will actually sleep for eight entire hours with their heads propped up on their hands to keep the hair from getting matted on the pillow. Working out at the gym, they will take 5 minute rest periods between sets to keep from sweating. They will bathe instead of showering. They will stay inside the house for days at a time during streaks of humid weather. They become more and more isolated from society, eventually developing cabin fever and mild to severe psychosis. This causes them to club innocent and defenseless baby seals for no goddamn reason.
Figure 2: Hope it’s worth it, you fucking asshole
A woman that’s just come home from the salon is in a very delicate mood. She’s ecstatic that her hair is done and she looks beautiful, but at the same time she’s on the razor’s edge of entering a homicidal rage. If you don’t notice the fact that her straightened hair is now parted on the left side rather than the right, or that she just paid $70 to have it shortened by one damn inch, you are a fucking asshole to her. You play spades with Hitler. You are an inconsiderate keg of certifiable fuck juice and deserve to be drop kicked down a flight of metal stairs.
Men are particularly prone to accidentally setting off the straight-haired woman because, unless you don’t have any hair, we’re perfectly happy no matter what the hair looks like - so we don’t really pay attention. We don’t give a shit if you wear it up or down, or feather your bangs (whatever the hell that means), or put it in a french twist (whatever the hell that means). All we care about is that a.) the hair is there, b.) it’s not a wig, and c.) it’s free of dirt, insects, food, and stank. Save your $150 and buy some friggin’ crotchless thong panties for us to rip off instead. Dammit.
132 innocent and defenseless baby seals we bludgeoned at the hands of crazed salon escapees while you read this article.
Your only complaining cause ur a man who doesn’t have to think about his hair. Us ladies have a really hard time trying to manage frizzy, wild, unmanageable hair —- I want to kiss the person who invented straigtening irons.
Could you add the blog stat widget to your site? I’m curious about how many visits you get.
Ok ok ok..waitttttttt!! I am a women has naturally wavy hair and on occasion loves it straighten. Now don’t get me wrong. 1/2 the time I could careless if my hair gets wet. I like the rain, I swim with out a hair cap all that good fun stuff that includes water. But I will admit that sometimes I do care if my hair gets wet it depends on whats going on. And it is so easy for men to say what your saying because let me guess…you have shorter hair? Yes? It doesn’t matter to you if it’s raining cats and dogs out or if the humidity level as high as fuck. You dont have to worry about sweated out curls and relaxer/perms smelling up you car.. So HUSH! and dammit who in the right mind will buy crouchless panties for $150!!! LMAO I rather go comando baby!
AHAHAHAHAHA @ play spades with Hitler. And don’t act like you don’t know what feather bangs are, you know.
See, this is part of the reason I’m natural. August in DC is humid and disgusting and spring is rainy and it’s hilarious to see how many “relaxed” women panic.
Aw man, what about the black women whose hair IS naturally straight? I swim, play in the rain, ski, sweat in the gym, and all that good stuff. I get your point though ,this post was hilarious. But until you have waited in a salon for four hours AND paid 80 bucks for a cut, you cant possibly understand why you should not ask a black woman to play in the sprinklers.
Hmmm… I sometimes wear my hair naturally curly and humidity is still my worst enemy on those days (until I found this marvel-of-science anti-humidity gel that actually sucks up moisture from the air and makes your curls curlier - but I digress). Frizzy hair (direct result of humidity) is the enemy whether you wear your hair straight or curly/natural…unless your hair is less than 1 inch long or you don’t care about any kind of curl definition.
By the way, women and men with locs don’t like getting their hair (really the scalp) wet, depending on how long they are.
“You play Spades with Hitler.” I’m not gonna have a job much longer, am I? *Sigh*
Women with straight hair are NO fun. How many outdoor festivals and concerts have I had to leave because some other chicks hair “was gonna turn back”? And them heffas never have umbrellas, so I have to either give mine up or cuddle with some other chick.
But on the flip, a lot of brothers are NOT feeling the natural hair. I’m not gonna change my look to please a man, but it sucks that a lot of foolish cats out here rather play with the hair that is responsible for murders of baby seals.
This is especially funny since I just came back from paying $55 the salon about an hour ago, and have about 30 bobbypins holding my hair in tact so I can sleep on it tonight.
Actually, humidty is the cursed evil foe of ALL black women (natural or permed). If you know how to do your hair, though, you can still be fun…it’s just a pain in the ass having to do it.
Salons in the D.C. metro area can’t do hair for shit, though…there’s an unnecessary amount of scalp-greasing and pomade-ing going on down there, making black women in the area look mighty sticky in their follicle regions. Best bet is a doobie wrap or some pincurls if your hair is long enough, then you can sleep alllllllllllllll night.
knatural.. is right..
there’s not enough money in the world that will let me go take a dip with these locs..
they take 24hrs to dry in the winter and between 6 and 12 in the summer - time depends on if i want to wax & twist sitting out in my garden once i have washed it..
i always carry a hat in case it rains (england will do that to you..)
and..
stop being so hair-ist..
what’s wrong with no1 on a woman….
some women look great with no hair..
i did in my 20’s…. ’twas fab..
easy and breezy all summer long…
more women should buzz their hair off… it’s an amazing look..
@Rose: “Could you add the blog stat widget to your site? I’m curious about how many visits you get.”
Adding the stats widget would be contrary to my scruples regarding this blog, but suffice it to say that this site is nowhere near as popular as, say, stuffebplike.com - which has rougly ten times as many hits as I do.
You who enjoy this blog are indeed the few and the proud. Welcome to the VIP section of racial satire
to sistertoldja: it’s so true that so many Black don’t like natural hair, I wonder why. I’ll blame music videos for now. I noticed a significant change in the types of men I attracted when I had a relaxer, versus now that I have natural hair. Mostly foreign-born/foreign-raised Black, and White, men would approach. But Black American men got all weird; even guys that knew me. Black women got weird.
to maya: regular salons here do get heavy-handed with pomade, and spritz, and everything else. Also, the thicker your hair, the least likely humidity will be a nuisance, maybe just depends on the texture.
“All we care about is that a.) the hair is there, …”
And yet, in a previous blog entry, y’all complained about making love doggy-style to a short haired woman cos she looked like a man from behind…
nuff said.
“And yet, in a previous blog entry, y’all complained about making love doggy-style to a short haired woman cos she looked like a man from behind…”
I don’t make distinctions between a bald chick and a chick with less than three inches of hair. They’re all bald to me.
Try harder, Machete.
First off, stay out of my brain, Second, after years of the relaxer I did my big chop in 06. and have been natural ever since. One problem, I hate doing my hair, I am very tender headed and though I hate to admit it, straight hair is easier, especially when you are dealing with multi- textured hair; doesn’t know if it wants to be curly, wavy, or kinky. But I would never go back to the relaxer and the straightening comb is my worse enemy. I despise it. So kudos to you for this post, because straight hair is not where it’s at…unless you have a weave! Until I can get my Angela Davis fro, the tracks are staying in!!
http://www.wbmbradio.com 7-9 TONIGHT
Machete I agree! and these dudes need to be honest they like straight hair as much we do.. they know they like to run their hands through our hair..who wanna get their hand stuck in naps hahahah sike let me stop..
I love it, BTW, I hope that cute little girl that you are calling a moron in Figure 1 is not a relative
I love a black girl with straight hair. No I’m not socially conditioned but my girl looks great with it, besides her hair grows straight.
- http://www.anythingblack.net
yeah.
straight hair…well.
being a permy i have to admit there are alot of things that i don’t do, since the idea of sweating it out makes me cry. 35 dollars every week tends to add up.
i was growing my hair out once… it lasted i think 3 months. then the humidity hit my new growth and well… i looked like don king on a very bad day. so the perm (once again) won.
lol @ cocoa love. i’m getting a sewn in this weekend. the gym is killing my wrap.
I belted out a certified guffaw when I read the line about us being pissed, when you dont notice we changed the part in our hair! Hilarious
Now, I am a LA girl and I never knew what the fuck humidity was until I stepped out the sliding doors at Reagan National and was like “Why the hell it feel like I just got out the shower in this bitch?” Me and my “wrap” (look it up) soon found out.
I don’t do perms and all that drama cause In Cali, a pressing comb will get your shit straighter than an asian chicks and we have great weather majority of the time (laughing at ya’ll right about now). But living in DC taught me how to work it out. I used to braid my kunta kente mess up with leave in conditioner and then unbraid it so it could have that mixed hair vibe so I was low key exotic looking sometimes (I got indian in my family…today!) , and when I came home to Cali with this new do it was well received (albeit looked at strangely at first) cause girls in LA dont do natural, WE DO PRESSED. So don’t be fooled good sir, just cause its looks natural, don’t really mean it is.
You say you dont care what the girl hair look like as long as the panties open at the bottom. Mind you, tearing off a crotchless thong, doesn’t really make since now does it…nor can a thong be sufficiently crotchless seeing as how there is not much fabric to begin with, but whatever… just pull em’ to the side already and call it a day. More importantly, It has recently been documented in American history that “NAPPY HEADED HOES” dont get no love, just a whole lot of press (ha ha, get it?). So what is a girl to do?
I keep my hair straight cause frankly my dear, I can’t comb through it any other way. It’s life or death in these streets! Oh my bad, I mean… in my hair, but they’re very similar though.
As for being boring, once again Chris dear I’m so sorry you’ve been banished to the land of the snow bunnies and friends (who wash they damn hair everyday) because Laquanda and them wouldn’t give you no play. Me personally, I swim, exercise, do *stuff* in the shower, and dance in the rain (if it ever rains round here) when ever possible. Yea, my ish kinks up but I’m more of a wet it now, press it later kinda chick. A true rebel.
Hopefully… one day, Boomkesha will let you sweat her shit out and bring you back on home where you belong, until then
Ciao
”Hopefully… one day, Boomkesha will let you sweat her shit out and bring you back on home where you belong,….”
haaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa..
he would be so lucky…
“You say you dont care what the girl hair look like as long as the panties open at the bottom. Mind you, tearing off a crotchless thong, doesn’t really make since now does it…nor can a thong be sufficiently crotchless seeing as how there is not much fabric to begin with, but whatever… just pull em’ to the side already and call it a day”.
**Claps**
Tell em..
Not bad - of course there’s the all-too-present solution to all of this: WEAVE.
MAN I HATE WEAVE.
Angry, don’t hate the weave man lol. If done the right way, you wouldn’t even know the difference. We aren’t talking about the rainbow coalition having a meeting on the head. And it can get wet, with the good stuff that is :).
i’m a black woman who proudly wears her hair natural and enjoys doing many of the things on your list on a regular basis (except maybe join the navy…) and more. i can’t describe how freeing it is to be natural.
btw, i absolutely love. your. blog.
^^ And I hate men who say they HATE WEAVE but love to talk about how beautiful Beyonce/Mariah/Naomi/Every other black female celebrity is! Even Jill Scott (yes, the “Natural” sistah) has a natural damn weave!
lol@ dom
Weave is the best thang since Chris’s blog…
ha
And I look damn good with mine…Hav you wanting to marry a nigga
“Natural” weaves creep me out! Jill Scott definitely rocks one sometimes and Angie Stone ALWAYS has a weave of some sort. Erykah’s locs were weave and I suspect Lauryn’s were too!
Beyonce looks great, because she’s on TV. But if you had a regular girl who wore a lacefront wig (that is when a wig has a layer of lace, which you put on your forehead and cover with makeup, to give the illusion of a hairline) and a comperable amount of makeup….most men would be creeped out. They want the look and feel of long straight hair, but not the complications of the upkeep or the weirdness of synthetic hair.
@ ImaG- It is conditioning. That doesn’t make you a bad person, just a Black man.
thebusinesswoman is my role model.
I gotta agree with zoso.
thebusinesswoman, you should start a blog of your own if you haven’t already - you crack me up!
HAHAHAHAHA! Ya’ll are killing me! Im still wiping tears from the join the navy crack. Well, since we’re on that topic, I finally have a reason to share this picture:
http://www.the-planets.com/star-biography/Katt-Williams-Biography-2.jpg
Have to admit though, straight hair conscious “my hair will turn” women are no fun. By all means ladies, do your hair if you’re going to like a nice sit down dinner or function that you know will involve none of the above activites. But to do it, knowing one of those activities is in the forecast (clubbin could very well = sweating although it doesn’t have to)? You’re just making yourself the “no-fun” honey of the group.
Thumbs down to the weave. I’m sorry I’m 100% with Angry V Beta on this one. Fake hair will always look like fake hair, and horse hair well, will always look like you plucked it from a horse’s butt cheeks and tied it in your own hair.
I am a creamy crack user. I will do many activities that will cause my hair to revert, except join the Navy because I am an Army brat through and through. This is why God invented the flat iron. If I don’t feel like dealing with the iron, I have a beautiful head wrap that I use. When all else fails, I grab a scrunchie or what have you, pull it back and keep it moving. I am not my hair. Short, long, nappy, wavy whatever, if it’s healthy and its yours *or you have the receipt*, I say do you. I am not keeping myself from having any fun or experiences because I don’t want my hair to revert. Shooot…
My man wants it long enough to pull. I said if he’s willing to contribute to the upkeep, let’s see how long it can get. He’s cool with that.
and yes, pull the panties to the side, rip them off, do whatchu gotta do and KEEP IT MOVING.
Awww thank you, you guys are making me blush.
I did just start a blog on wordpress. Its called ” Get Your Ish Together”
Its brand new, only a couple post deep but I’ll get it poppin sooner or later.
I’m trying to get Chris to marry me online so once that happens, maybe he will let me contribute.
I will never be on his level, but betcha by golly wow, ever king needs a queen…
or a joker
“I’m trying to get Chris to marry me online so once that happens, maybe he will let me contribute.”
Better be careful, girl. Next thing you know you’re gonna have a tall ill-tempered Indian at your door begging for pancakes and bison burgers…
Just as long shorty isn’t wearing one of those frizzy weaves or hair long enough to where you could look and tell its far from being hers, im good.
This post made me choke on my water…too funny.
But since I fall into this category, I gotta defend myself…
I DO:
Run around in a rain storm (I love it)
Go snorkeling, swimming, or scuba diving (snorkeling & scuba diving, no. Haven’t had the chance yet. Plus, the thought of submerging myself into “natural water” gives me the heebe jeebies…wierd, but part of who I am. Swimming in a pool, definitely. One of my favorite things to do…)
Participate in a wet t-shirt contest (Hell nah…but not because of my hair. I’m an undercover freak…no need to show these “girls” to everybody.)
Go outside on a humid day (PLEASE…I live in Louisi-fuckin-ana. WINTER is humid)
Save your life if you fall off a boat (That all depends on how important you are to me…tried to jump in a pool to help a kid and the fucker almost knocked my ass out even AFTER she realized someone was going to help her)
Exercise (don’t do this very much, but not because of hair…large breasts are not all they’re cracked up to be.)
Join the Navy (HELL nah…kudos to all who serve, but the military is definitely something I’d never do…even if I had shaved my head with a straight razor)
I guess part of this is because I REFUSE to pay someone to do what I already know how to do my damn self…so I’ve lost no money, etc. (One of the perks to having a grandmother who was a cosmetologist and an older sister who followed in her footsteps. They taught me well.)
You are sooo right! I love my kinks and napps and would not trade them for the world!! I also like the fact that my students are able to see a grown woman, who has a college degree, decided to keep the napptural style. But, yes I do hate it when I have friends who don’t want to go to the mall because they just had their fix of creamy crack…..but I still love them and make fun of them too! Thank God for rainy days! LOL!! Btw I love your blog!
ROTFLMBO!!!!! Love it..thank you for breaking it down. I wear dreads and you hit the nail on the head for my reasons for coming out of straight hair!
I figured I logged enough hours at the beauty shop/salon for one lifetime and was tired of my hair dictating what I do. Can’t even begin to explain the joy and freedom of walking in the rain without an umbrella!
mmmmmm…Pancakes and Bison burgers! Sounds like breakfast, lunch, and dinner at my house.
deliciouso
- The Devil
I still like straight hair but I can live with out it as well. I only straighten my hair if my man takes me out some where other than that its big ol beautiful mess… I wanna go scubba diving!!
Bison Burgers…aww shawty want a HU sandwich…
Seriously tho, you eat that?
I not as good as Chris but check out my blogger page!! I got shit to rant about to from a womans point of view!!
http://mrsepssrantontheworld.blogspot.com/
Creamy crack, I like that. No respect: but every “relaxed” woman I meet says they wish they could be natural. I don’t think women are afraid to be natural though, they’re afraid to have short, nappy hair. Short straight hair is cool, a la Halle Berry and Toni Braxton back-in-the-day. But short, nappy hair isn’t feminine and women of all races tend to define femininity and sexuality in terms of hair. So it’s no surprise that we continue to relax and press our hair, still following an Eurocentric ideal of beauty. I understand for some Black women it is just a style choice, but I just wonder, what inspires their choice. Relaxed women, including myself when I had a perm, say or said “it’s more manageable.” But how would you know your hair’s manageability if you’ve been getting relaxers since age nine. It’s all about education; when you have a perm you learn not to get it wet, not to dye it too soon, not to scratch your scalp the day of. When you decide to go natural/loc, you learn new things, that’s all.
sorry, meant to type *no disrespect*
Sounds like the same debate that was on my site. Hair is a big issue.
http://stuffEBPlike.com
Hair keeps it real. I had an up and coming post on this, it hasn’t been written yet.
- http://www.anythingblack.net
i guess i’m considered blessed. i’m one who is down to play in the rain, swim, sweat, etc. because i always have a plan b when it comes to my hair. i never leave home without a comb, brush or rubberband. i will even tuck my hair under with a paper clip if i can’t find a hair pin! i’ve learned at an early age to never let my hair get in the way of having a good time, although i may become salty. that’s why one created gel and a brush.
Just two quickies… 1) As tedious as it may be to keep your hair straightened, it never looks as bad as some of the “natural styles” (read: rats nests) i’ve seen. Some women can pull it off, others look like they live under a bridge.
2) Clowning that little girl like that? cold blooded man. haha
I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!
Power to the curly frooooooooooooooooooo!
I went natural back in college in 1999! Little kids in the hood would laugh at me when i went home for the weekend. I attended a Nikki Giovani speech and listened as she talked about meeting women with breast cancer that would rather die than become unattractive to men by loosing their breast. Right then i decided to stop perming my hair, stop burning up my scalp trying to look like someone else. Black people were not feeling me, and some folks were actually freaking offended by the fact that I cutt my “long pretty hair” my own hair!
I’m so happy hear a black man say natural hair is a good thing, because this fake shit is getting way to out of hand nowadays. Women can’t feel good about themselves until they attach someone elses hair, nails, breast, ass, legs,arms whatever. Bullshit.
I Love my hair, it’s my crown, And I can wash it everyday and it always smells nice and sweet, so as for a birds nest Esdotto bite me, my hair is always fresh, clean and sexy and i live my life without obsessing about it. I don’t to try to pull anything off, I wake up beautiful.
* i don’t have to try
long as there aint no ‘nappy dugout’ below, then we guys could care less!
Yo shabooty, one time, one time sun to catch you in the streets and it’s a wrap for you kid.
Some women (myself included) can straighten their hair with a flat iron and if it gets wet it will just revert back to it’s naturally beautiful state.
IT’S HUMIDITY THAT IS THE DEATH KILLER TO ALL PRETTY HAIR STYLES.
That’s why I like ponytails and buns. LoL.
And death to relaxers! I got one over a year ago and my hair has yet to make a full recovery.
I stopped straightening my hair a little over a year ago. The morning of my MBA graduation ceremony my sister cut all of it off and I got to start over with ~ 1.5 inches. Within 10 months it was almost shoulder length again.
Now I use a little mousse and some oil to define the kink / curl pattern.
Some women (the perm zombies) are completely disgusted / horrified with my choice.
Some say “Ew-I could NEVER do that.” (But-homegurl-you’re hair is balding at the top and around the edges…) or “I don’t have the guts to do that“. (Hey-YOU are the same chick who has the guts to perm your hair into oblivion….yes-it takes no guts to walk around with three strands of long straight hair, tons of acne, and a out of shape body… )
I had this Puerto Rican too-light-make-up-wearing-wish-she-was-White chick tell me: “WELL you need to be comfortable with yourself…” In a way that smacked of-I think your hair looks like nappy crap.
BUT-Men (especially Asian, White, and Hispanic men) seem to really like it - or rather me with it; however, and more importantly-I LOVE it. I wish I had done this years and years ago….I have a head full of thick, healthy kinky / curly hair.
i get my hair straightened chemically so i can run in the rain and go swimming. when its chemically straightened, you can get it wet and it wont get ruined. you just have to flatiron it to get it sleeker. so, DC humidity doesnt really faze me.
Now that’s some of the the dumbest shit I have ever heard:
i get my hair straightened chemically so i can run in the rain and go swimming.
Relaxing my hair makes it more manageable. I can swim, hike, roll in a puddle if i want to, and simply wash and condition it to have a comb run through. If I left it in its true super-tight curly mixed textured state, I doubt I would be able to get my comb back after attempting to comb it after a romp in water. I would probably cause more damage to my hair trying to tear that comb out of the tangles than a simple relaxer could ever do. I don’t spend any money at salons - I prefer to do everything myself and by trial and error I think I have finally perfected the art. AAAAnnnd I can still get my curls back by not using the straightening iron and using gel.
Relaxer burns and smells
On a lighter note that little girl in figure 1 is sooooo cute my womb aches.
The sad thing about this article is that it is so damn true
Ummm get a mild relaxer and don’t leave it in for 3 hours.
Dear Chris: Your last line of today mimics highly the work of Maddox (BEST PAGE IN THE UNIVERSE!) Please stop before it starts.
Thanks
hair relaxer smells like my oven on auto-clean after a years worth of gunk has built up.
$
i used to get the mildest relaxer use the expensive affirm extra conditioning system blah blah blah it burns and stinks and you know it.
@shabooty
And you will know this by using it on your pubes? ‘Cos with that mouth/brain combo I doubt any self respecting relaxer using woman would hit that.
@Anmarie
I’ll give you the stinks part =) you are right there. But it doesn’t have to burn…get it out when it starts to tingle. Or I guess I am speaking for myself here.
“Your last line of today mimics highly the work of Maddox (BEST PAGE IN THE UNIVERSE!) Please stop before it starts.”
a.) This was a coincidence.
b.) No.
Come on, sista to sista, now you may be a super hero, but I’ve never met a black woman that hasn’t had their scalped violated by relaxer.
I’m sorry, and I don’t mean to bash women with relaxers, but that “it’s more manageable” argument is such a cop-out. Relaxers share the same chemical composition as Drano, and that combined with constant heat from curling irons, flat irons, blow dryers is not good. So to sarah saying “i get my hair straightened chemically so i can run in the rain and go swimming” is the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard, too, because that means you’re constantly re-heating your hair.
mystiqueP come on it’s a writer’s tool, don’t think it has a copy right
even more baby seals were clubbed during the reading of this message.
Knatural we all now that you can’t get your hair wet constantly with a relaxer and expect to flat iron it everyday without it dropping off your head.
@Anmarie
My comment was based on my own experience - I learned the hard way when to take it out. But I am a quick learner…once burned twice shy… I did mention in my prev post that I had to do a lot of trial and error.
You’re right Anmarie, I know you can’t do it everyday; I guess sometimes I get a little over-zealous in my argument. It’s like being natural is a religion or political party where you’ll say anything to recruit.
@knaturalbeauty
I for one find it more manageable… but that doesn’t mean just cos its relaxed, I have to take a heat-appliance to it. I wear my hair curly a lot - where its just gel holding it together. So yeah, its more manageable relaxed, and it’s not falling out.
Exactly it smells and it burns that’s all said, it was and is indeed true.
Relaxer smells and burns: Truth
Didn’t have to justify yourself nor did you have to go through all that trial and error, it’s all choice. It is what is, I used to think I’d be a horrible beast if I didn’t have “manageable” hair. But as it stands my hair is wonderful i have my truth you have yours.
Indeedy.
I believe being called a relaxer-superhero is grounds for self-justification.
Wow…its Friday and I have waaaay too much time on my hands. =) Chris, sorry for spamming yer blog, I’ll go do some real work now. (I am not pulling a ‘3-degree-Ken’ here …for this is my new crack and I will prolly be back shortly)
@ Anmarie-
I am a sister and I have never had a relaxer. Good to meet you! Now you can say you know one!
I was raised to be anti-relaxer, though I did press my hair occasionally in elementary school and twice in college. I don’t think theres anything wrong with pressing or flat ironing your hair (though it does reduce your fun quotient). But relaxing it is ridiculous. Nothing worse than an old black woman with no hair on the sides after 50 years of relaxers.
“Manageble hair”? I can’t buy that. Sisters are just lazy and condtitioned. Putting something in your hair that stinks and burns is not easy to manage. That is silly. Your hair is not a problem to be solved, it’s just something that requires grooming. You know the same Black folks who talk about how “de lawd didn’t make no mistakes” are the ones running from what naturally grows from their head. Sad, sad, sad.
Thank you white people, for what you have done to my kind. We are screwed. We hate ourselves like no other.
LOL! Nice to meet you too.
I stopped processing my hair for good in 2001 when I realized I had no idea what MY hair looked like.
I had been conditioned to despise my “naps” (which I found out later on weren’t really all that nappy) and had practiced many forms of straightening over the years. But I wanted to know what God intended me to look like (that’s how I felt at the time) and even though I miss the comb-ability (that’s not a word, I know) I love my hair more now than I ever did, especially after a trip to the Charles Wright Museum in Detroit where the guide, as we were going through the exhibits, explained why my hair was “nappy” in the first place. Something I had never even thought about but it made me proud to be “nappy”.
@ SisterToldja: I don’t think it’s laziness but it is conditioning. Most Black women wouldn’t know what to do with their hair in its natural state.
(btw: I read your blog too!)
I only get a relaxer maybe 3 or 4 times a year because my hair mostly grows wavy. If I went all the way natural I still couldnt grow a true afro. And I really don’t have the desire. No offense toward those who are natural with an afro, twists, or dreads, but its just not my thing. Many of my friends only want to go natual for the price, not the look. There are plenty of Africans such as Ethiopians, Libyans, Morrocans, Egyptians (YES EGYPT IS IN AFRICA), and many others that should be considered beautiful NATURAL african women…with straight hair.
It annoys me a little that a lot of the “natural” women I meet say women who relax thier hair want to be white. What about those “natural” black women who have naturally straight hair? Is having kinky hair a sign of my “blackness?” Im a darkskinned sista with straighter hair. Am I only “keepin it real” by growin dreads or an afro, cause it just cant happen.
Straight hair or slightly wavy, soft, non-kinky hair is not just a European thing. That’s what is so great about our ancestry is that we range from straight hair to kinky. We range from light to dark. We go from the pyramids to the bush. Its not fair to assume just because a woman likes her hair straight, that she wants to be white. (Now if she pops in some blue contacts and lightens her skin, thats an argument for another day.) Im SOOOO tired of “natural” women going on and on about it while sitting in the nail shop getting fake nails or pressing thier hair when they go on a job interview.
All that being said, come down south (North Carolina, South Carolina, Mississippi, Tennessee) and try to have a PROFESSIONAL job (not professors, interns, or beauticians) such as an attorney or a publicist with an afro or dreads…not really happening. Its possible, but you’ll have to work three times as hard on top of the two times as hard you alreay have to do because you are black. I understand we shouldnt try to “fit” in, blah blah blah. “Keepin it real” dont pay the bills. You are not selling your soul to the devil or to the MAN by getting a relaxer or keeping your hair cut.
On a lighter note, your blog is hilarious and everyone’s posts just add to it. This is the best blog Ive seen in a WHILE.
Esquire: you make a good point, but I think we’re mainly referring to Black American woman, not ALL African woman. I think because of our unique history, and the fact that The States is mostly White, we clash on this issue so much. Blacks are always trying to find ways to “reconnect” with African-ness, such as giving their children African-sounding names, and for some being natural is another way to do that. But you should be tired, sometimes we get out of hand.
And as far as being a professional with a ‘fro, that should change, one day, I hope, soon, maybe.
@ Esquire
I don’t think your hair has to be “kinky” to be natural… Natural to me means you wear it the way it grows out of your head without using harsh chemicals like lye or lye substitutes or intense heat (that you avoid otherwise) to straighten it.
If your hair grows straight wear it straight. If it doesn’t grow straight and you want it to be straight, wear it straight.
My thing is why do we as Black women want straight hair in the first place???
That’s the question that’s on the table and obviously manageability cannot be the only reason because however you wear your hair you will have to have some form of maintenance to keep it clean and healthy.
We can’t ignore that the ideal of what is considered to be beautiful in this country plays a big role in that… And Black women straighten their hair in this country because it makes them feel beautiful - which is messed up because they associate not having straight hair with not being beautiful.
IDK ChocolateGirlWonder… I put the relaxer in my hair over a year ago in defiance of my mother and because I had never had one and because I wanted to be lazy and and have the option of shedding time off straightening my hair when I wanted it straight. Unfortunately, it made my hair bone straight and I cried about it for months and months. I don’t think straight hair is necessarily prettier… It’s just not how mine is naturally so of course it intrigues me that I can straighten it. It’s no different that people born with bone straight hair (usually white people) who get “perms” to add curls or waves. My white girls “scrunch” their hair to get a curly/wavy look. I don’t think that’s any different. People are always looking to the other side.
What are you talking about Esquire? You’re playing defense like the Kicks back in ‘92. Changing your hair temporarily for a different look is different than pouring deadly chemicals on your head because the thought of what you might look like without them (or what people will think of you) scares you. Of course they’re black women who have straight or wavy hair naturally but who mentioned them in a negative light or said they are less black. And if you’re one of them why do you checmically straighting your hair anyway. Is the sight of one curl or kink that offensive? You’re a “little annoyned” lol why because we stick up for our right to be exactly who we are. To in you’re face with our self love, what i you gonna starting calling me a reverse racist now. Because we are walking truth and reminders of America’s hatred of the brown body. Listen as always i say do what you want, but you can’t lie to me about the motivation.
Relaxer stinks and it burns.
“All that being said, come down south (North Carolina, South Carolina, Mississippi, Tennessee) and try to have a PROFESSIONAL job (not professors, interns, or beauticians) such as an attorney or a publicist with an afro or dreads…not really happening.”
That’s Racism. R A C I S M .
You think it was easy black in the late 90s in the north when women started wearing their hair natural again. But hey if you’ve internalized the status quo then no one has to make it hard.
Blah @ Anmarie…
‘”All that being said, come down south (North Carolina, South Carolina, Mississippi, Tennessee) and try to have a PROFESSIONAL job (not professors, interns, or beauticians) such as an attorney or a publicist with an afro or dreads…not really happening.”
‘That’s Racism. R A C I S M .
You think it was easy black in the late 90s in the north when women started wearing their hair natural again. But hey if you’ve internalized the status quo then no one has to make it hard.’
That’s also Reality. R E A L I T Y. The deep south is a whole different animal. People are MUCH more resistant to change and progressive views. There are women here that do not use relaxers or heat to straighten their hair, but in talking to them about it in relation to their professions I found out that they usually waited until they were established in their positions/companies before chopping of their relaxed locks/quit getting it pressed.
Honestly, I don’t think it’s all about the status quo. Some women just like it. They do them…nothing about following others. I think people of all shades are beautiful. As long as their hairstyle suits them and they can have fun regardless of their hair care, etc., what’s the problem?
In other words, they had to get their “foot in the door.”
I have no problem, don’t care what you do with your hair. I just stated relaxer is horrible which it is. And it’s the truth, people got pissed at me and got defensive. I did it too but i’m not trying to lie about my motivation for doing it, i have relaxed my hair because it’s a more acceptable way to wear your hair, by employers, by most men, by my commmunity in general. It’s not that different else where in the world cry me a freakin river I’ve been rejected from jobs based on my hair and have proof of it. And it is racist for me to be rejected by anyone(even members of my own race) based on phenotypic characteristics that are indicators of race. You have a problem with the truth.
I don’t give a shit what you do with your hair, but I don’t buy the bullshit everyone is selling me. You could say hey I do it because it makes my life socially easier, finacially easier, and it makes me feel pretty because everyone on TV that is viewed as pretty has straight hair, or you can say all the bullshit I’ve heard before. Don’t get annoyed with me for recognizing it as the bullshit it obviously is. Believe me i’m not pissed at you I know what it’s like being a black woman in this country. And the truth remains the more we buy into the status quo, or don’t challenge it the easier it is for corparations to continue being racist, and that;s just common sense.
lol @ this convo.
I wear my hair straight because I friggin’ want to and if I decide to change it it’s because I so friggin’ choose.
You wear your hair however you want. Who am I to care, judge, or discuss what I ‘think’ are the sociological, psychological, or economical reasons why you wear your hair that way. Do you and love you…and continue not to care what anyone else thinks.
I think part of the beauty of being a woman is all of the options that we have when it comes to our hair.
In reference to the post…hi-lar-i-ous!! “Join the Navy”…could not stop laughing!
BTW…question for the die-hard I wear my hair ‘natural’ because I will not conform to society…. Do you guys arch your eyebrows, shave your legs, etc, or let that hair grow ‘naturally’ also?
One Love
@ Anmarie- you must be my soul sister.
@ Engineeringchick and Pissivity: I wear my hair natural because I love the texture that God gave me and I reject the idea that all women need to have straight hair. And yes, I do color my hair and wax my brows, legs, etc. That’s good grooming and hygene, as well as a cultural marker of a Westernized woman. None of us are free from that.
But when you accept the notion that your own hair is unprofessional and not office appropriate or pretty in its natural state, that’s problemmatic. Just admit that you are contioned to believe that your hair isn’t pretty. Stop hiding behind the hypocracy and zealousness of some of the natural sisters and face up to your own demons.
Black men have been equally conditioned about their hair. Not only do many, if not most, of them prefer straight hair, but they have been led to believe that they should only wear their hair low to be professional. White men in the corporate sector can wear two to five inches of hair without any one questioning their professionalism. Yet, a Black man with a few inches of hair, or dreads, is wearing a “political” hairstyle or looks “thuggish”.
Whitey got us with no vasaline.
THANK UUUUUUUU ladies for posting your personal HAIR REGIMENTS above. WOW….doing the most
But shot out to Businesswoman, LA LA LAND aalllllll day every day for a PRESS…we do Beauty right in LA. PERIOD!!!!!!!!!
Chris…you are a NUT…ROTF!
Hey grooming is nice, I don’t know why you’d put it in the same category as checimally changing the texture of my hair. There’s nothing unsightly about natural hair or dirty. I also trim the ends off my natural hair and style it. And wear make-up. What does that have to do with the way I feel about cream relaxer?
Ladies,
Have it short, long, straight, curly, frizzy, relaxed, etc. — as long as it doesn’t stink or look like you escaped from an asylum. Who gives a flying rat’s arse whether its relaxed or natural.
But please don’t go rabid from the opinion of a guy whose head looks like the closest thing to bald. Bald guys should be banned from commenting on women’s hair.
“Whitey got us with no vasaline.” HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
lmbo!
Lonesome Dreamer- Amen, sister.
@ Sister Toldja: I wear my hair straight because I love the texture that God gave me when it’s straight and I reject the idea that all women need to have ‘natural’ hair to be connected to the ‘motherland’ and to fight the powers of ‘whitey’…but hey that’s just me.
I don’t try to change your mind and u def can’t change mine.
Love always!
But why do you love it? Would you love it if EVERY other Black girl had nappy hair? Or if all White girls were using a texturizing process to alter their hair? I didn’t say anything about “the motherland”, now did I? I just don’t understand why sisters won’t admit that your hair is reflective of the society you live in, not some deep inspiring love for straight hair. Truth be told, most sisters with straight hair…..the shit on their head looks dead or like straw! A beautiful girl is a beautiful girl nonetheless, but straight hair does women less favors than they’d like to believe (In my obvs NOT humble opinion).
There are plenty of dreadlocked women who are on some bootlicking, embarrassment to the race type shit. And there are women with perms who are REVOLUTIONARIES, doing their thing to help the people of the world. But, you cannot refute the fact that in a country where 85% of Black women use heat or chemicals or both to alter the natural texture of their hair, the Eurocentric model of beauty has been accepted by our people! What are the preferred textures of hair for Black people? Straight, curly, wavy, “mixed”, “Indian”, etc. Yet do most of our people have hair like this? NO! It makes me sick to my stomach when people tell me I have “good hair”, but I realize that my fight has been less challenging than women with nappier hair because I endured less pressure to straighten it.
We have allowed someone elses standards to become our own and