Ethiopians

30 04 2008

Figure 1: Ethiopia

It’s no secret to those who know me that I fucking love Ethiopian women. I would happily run over my best friends with a choo-choo train just to get a good look at an attractive Ethiopian woman. Kinda ironic that I’m about to rake them over the coals…

Fuck it.

I’ve been somewhat embittered against Ethiopians, the women in particular, ever since a particular Ethiopian bartender did the following:

  • Kept smiling at and eyefucking me for a good five minutes
  • Sent another bartender to tell me I should talk to her (I was drunk and didn’t recognize the flirtation)
  • Proceeded to chat me up for 30 fucking minutes; laughing, smiling, punching me in the arm
  • Told me, after all this time, that she would not give me her number because “you’re too much of a pretty boy, you’re a player.”

As an entrepreneur, nothing enrages me more than when strangers waste my time – especially my free time. This heifer from the east cost me 30 minutes of company with my good friends the Admiral Furious, Chicken Jon, Shabooty, and other colorful characters. I became even more enraged about three weeks later when I returned to the bar and found her hugged up on a white dude who, for lack of a better description, looked like the upper half of my dick. I don’t claim to be a great looking guy, but I’ll be damned if I don’t know ugly when I see it…and this motherfucker was, on his best day, a billy goat.

Figure 2: Ethiopian girl and her white boyfriend…or at least how I remember them

Ethiopians freak black Americans (BAs) out more than any other type of continental African (CA). Like BAs and CAs, Ethiopians came from Africa at some point, but that’s where the similarities end. They are an enigmatic people – seen in public far more frequently than CAs, but left bizarrely out of social reach. While BAs and CAs are often seen in the company of one another, it is a rare thing to see Ethiopians in mixed company. In fact, it is rare to see an Ethiopian outside of a parking garage or a taxi cab – two industries upon which they retain an eternal east African kung fu grip that, amazingly, has never EVER been broken – not even by the Mob.

If you get up the nerve to speak to a group of Ethiopians, they silently select a ring leader. The ring leader will talk to you in a weird but hot accent while the rest of them pretend to have no idea what the fuck is going on. Every few sentences, the ring leader will turn around and say something to the rest of the pack in Ethiopian as if she is translating. What she is really saying is “I’ll bet his family owns only three taxi cabs, yes?” This explains why the Ethiopians always laugh/giggle at all these ‘translations’, even when the last thing you said to the ring leader was “Yea, the cancer’s terminal.”

Their mysterious nature coupled with their odd financial prowess has led some BAs* to refer to Ethiopians as the Jews of Niggerdom.

Physically, Ethiopians tend to have a bizarre olive/caramel complexion, sunken eyes, wavy hair, massive foreheads (like mine) and, for whatever sick reason in my mind, they bear a vague semblance to ancient Egyptian mummies. Each has a look as if he/she is the product of two people, one from the Ivory Coast and one from Italy, who slammed into each other while running at full speed and formed a single person. It didn’t work out so well for the men, but most of the women are absolutely fucking goddamn drop dead gorgeous.

Figure 3: Beyonce could look like this, but instead she decided to be a sellout cock-whore

Maybe I’m bitter. So fucking what. You’d be bitter too if you had to put up with this shit:

Figure 3: I hope Dan Snyder’s sons are born with chocolate cocks on a hot day

* Me


Comments : 541 Comments »
Tags:
Categories : Potpourri

Fat People

29 04 2008

I arrived at work today unusually pissed off. I spent about 20 minutes on the Metro trying to work on a Flash website while some idiot 3 seats behind me was listening to stupid fucking Lil’ Wayne so loud I could actually feel myself getting dumber.

Upon escaping the train, I hop on the goddamn bus. Some fat fuck forklifts herself onto the bus too, nearly flipping the goddamn thing over. The next part of this story I am not exaggerating in the least: the INSTANT the bus pulls off, this gravitron yanks the stop-request cord. The bus comes to a halt at the next stop less than 200 yards from her point of entry, and she lumbers off the bus as the vehicle’s suspension heaves a sigh of relief. As the bus pulls off, I watch in utter disbelief as she appears to be walking into a convenience store. This chick is so fat she actually defies the laws of optics and appears to get BIGGER as I get farther away from her. I turn to see the expressions on the faces of everyone else. I see a combination of rage and amusement.

Figure 1: Fat chick asking the driver to stop the bus

Fat people piss me off because of a.) the sheer number of them in this country and b.) how little they do to keep from getting fat. Fat people clog up the doors on buses and subways. Fat people sit in restaurants for hours at a time, forcing other people to wait forever to get a seat. Fat people sweat all over EVERYTHING! The sweat makes them smell absolutely atrocious. Fat people jack up the cost of health care like it’s their fucking job. It takes 100 acres of cotton to make just ONE T-SHIRT for a 350lb man. They breathe too hard. They eat too much. They refuse to walk anywhere. They get elected to congress. It’s fucking disgusting, and it has to be stopped.

I went completely fucking apeshit on Europe a few posts back, but there’s one thing they definitely have (at least in Spain and Portugal) that I’d be willing to go back for over and over again: a nearly total absence of fat people.

Figure 2: Goddammit

In Spain, you had to fucking walk EVERYWHERE, lest you wind up blowing half your salary on gasoline (which is INSANELY EXPENSIVE in Europe), cab rides, or expensive public transit. You have to WALK to work. You have to WALK to wherever you get lunch, and then WALK back to work. Then you WALK back home for the ‘siesta’ or whatever the fuck it is over there. Then you WALK back to work again. Then you WALK from work to the market to get your food. Then you WALK the fuck home and cook your food. Then you WALK to wherever the hell it is you hang out with your buddies in your fruity horizontally-striped shirt, superskinny jeans and faux-hawk hairdo to talk in your fruity Euro-speak about how much you hate America despite the fact that your economy rides the waves we produce, and how cool it is that you feign a 150 fucking Euro club cover charge to anyone that even remotely resembles an American.

Figure 3: Average European male. Note the lack of fatness.

But no matter how much Europeans suck, they have this over us: they walk more, eat less, and do less sitting around, leading to a blissful absence of fatassitude. No fat people stinking up the elevators. No fat people taking up an extra 60 seconds on your bus commute. No fat people sweating on your home inspection checklist (can you tell this happened to me? CAN YA?). No fat people eating philly cheesesteaks with a DIET FUCKING GODDAMN MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKING COKE BECAUSE THEY’RE “WATCHING THEIR CALORIES!!!” Drop the soda and pick of a big ol’ can of lipolysis, you ginormous fucking gastropod!

Figure 4: You can have a Fanta, or the Fantanas. You cannot have both. Choose wisely, you fat bastard.

Raise gas prices, goddammit. $9 a gallon for all I give a shit. Make these fat motherfuckers walk, or at least roll end over end wherever the fuck it is they have to go. Too fat to walk? MELT ‘EM. FUCKING MELT THEM! Melt them before the very eyes of the living fatties that they might behold the awful price of diet soda and a sedentary lifestyle. Melt them down, mix their remains with ethanol, and let everyone see me drive off in the first fatty/ethanol hybrid monster truck, which I will happily use to bulldoze every fast food restaurant in the country*

Figure 5: Stay Puft Fleshmallow Boy

*Except Popeyes. But you have to take a BMI test before being allowed in. Fail the BMI test, and you will be melted.


Comments : 467 Comments »
Tags:
Categories : Health

White Supremacy II

28 04 2008

Predictably, I received quite a bit of hate mail/comments from (surprise) white people regarding my white supremacy post. I received 51 emails and comments in all, and what’s interesting is that each of them have following claim in common:

Black people are naturally predisposed to violent and criminal behavior

Each time I read this correspondence, I laugh until my belly is sore. There are plenty of reasons to hate black people*, just like there are plenty of reasons to hate white people, hispanics, native americans, arabs, jews, asians, and Martians…but of all the reasons to hate us, the above is the least justifiable – especially for white people. Here’s why:

White supremacists absolutely love to quote statistics such as:

  • blacks kill seven times more than whites
  • blacks kill whites more than 20 times more than whites kill blacks
  • blacks rape white women 2000 times more than whites rape blacks
  • blacks commit 50 percent of American homicides while making up only 12% of the population

The list goes on.

This is because white supremacists, for the sake of convenience, like to start the history of violence in America at the latter half of the civil rights movement which is when black crime in this country began to balloon. This is akin to ignoring the Oklahoma City bombings so you can call the government ‘cruel’ for killing Timothy McVeigh.

Since these white folks are arguing about the INNATE quality of violence, that allows me to respond by examining the behavior of white people throughout the course of human history. This list is, of course, VERY abbreviated:

1.) The Macedonian Empire comes to prominence by slaughtering untold thousands of people from Egypt to India during Alexander the Great’s worldwide killing spree.

Figure 1: X-TREME CONQUEST!!!!!!

His ‘military genius’ is celebrated by white people to this day, and used as a model for…

2.) The Roman Empire, which comes to prominence as the Italians consolidate their own power by murdering other white people for a little while, then gradually extend their reach into modern day Egypt, Israel, Turkey, and other middle eastern and north African countries. For fun, the Romans make captives fight to the death in Gladiatorial games and feed Christians and criminals to wild animals.

Figure 2: I am quite entertained indeed, thank you.

Millions of people are killed in wars at a time when a few million people was a significant percentage of the world population. Modern day white people revere the Romans as an ‘ideal’ society.

3.) The Vikings went nuts in the 8th century and didn’t stop killing people until William the Conqueror successfully invaded England in 1066. The favorite pastime of the Vikings was, of course, to rob churches and, just for good measure, kill as many unarmed monks as possible in the process.

Figure 3: Wanted: Hug

4.) The Dark Ages were spent by the Europeans killing each other en masse in countless intra-European conflicts that would eventually leave the continent carved up into a billion different countries, most of whom speak completely different languages out of spite and hate each other to this day.

Figure 4: If I was this ugly and had a small dick, I’d be violent too.

Modern Europeans, having forgotten the wars/death that produced their patchwork continent, refer to this division as ‘culture.’ This would eventually culminate in Europeans turning their rage at each other into rage at the rest of the world during…

5.) The Age of Discovery, or as everyone else puts it, The Day the World Died. White people, particularly the British, French, Spanish, Portuguese, and Dutch, sailed all over the world spreading diseases (first unintentionally, then intentionally) that decimated populations wherever they went – especially in the western hemisphere.

Figure 5: Thanks, douche

All estimates for the numbers of people killed by the spread of disease by white people are in the tens of millions. And speaking of tens million of millions…

6.) The African Slave Trade involved the kidnapping of some 12 million Africans at the hands of white people taking advantage of pre-existing rivalries between African tribes.

Figure 6: Challenge – find the difference between this and Norwegian Cruise Lines

Since only about 10 million of these Africans survived, white people can feel free to bear the responsibility for the 2 million that were murdered along the way. White people used these slaves to pave the way for…

7.) The conquest of America, during which millions of Native Americans were killed by peace loving white people through a combination of conventional and biological warfare. If you want to see how violent white Americans are, all you have to do is hop on an airplane. Once the plane is in the air, look down at the expanse of Earth below you, and try to comprehend that every square inch of it was stolen from Indians at gunpoint.

Figure 7: YOINK!

8.) World Wars I and II. White people really went nuts in the 20th century when they began to find more and more efficient ways to kill themselves/others.

Figure 8: I’m sure this can be blamed on black people

The invention of the machine guns, tanks, dumb bombs, mustard gas, and other little trinkets led to some 20,000,000 deaths in WWI and a whopping 70,000,000 deaths in WWII. This doesn’t even include the victims of…

9.) The Holocaust, which resulted in the deaths of 11,000,000 Jews, Catholics, Gypsies, retards, and anyone else that Hitler didn’t like.

Figure 9: Was never harmed by a negro

That’s right folks: 11,000,000 people systematically exterminated by ONE WHITE MAN. This almost renders irrelevant the casualties of…

10.) Hiroshima and Nagasaki, which are estimated around 280,000 dead by the end of 1945. White folks in America wanted the war over quickly, and a simple siege by sea would just take far too long – so what better way to end the war than by nuking a civilian population and rattling your atomic saber to scare the Soviets?

Figure 10: White Diplomacy

Of course, these are just my favorite ten. We won’t even get into the Napoleonic wars, the French Revolution, Vietnam, Iraq I & II, Apartheid, and the countless murders of blacks at the hands of whites that went unpunished and unrecorded from the end of the slave trade until the end of the Civil Rights Movement (and, in some parts of the south, today). We won’t talk about what the British did to India during their prolonged occupation of that country, nor will we get into the conquest and genocide of central and south America.

Assuming black people really do commit 50% of the murders in the US (which would amount to 8,300 killings in 2005), it would take all the black killers in the country 34 years to catch up to the number of people killed at the order of one white man in the 1945 atomic bombings of Japan. It would take all the black killers in the country 241 years to catch up to the number of blacks killed by whites in the middle passage alone. It would take them 1,325 years to catch up to the number of people killed by white men in the holocaust.

White people have been killing everyone by the untold millions since the 4th century BC, but white supremacists have the nerve to call other people violent. If you look back into time, you’ll realize that no matter what color you are, you’re about a billion times more likely to suffer death-by-white-man than death by natural causes. Is there anything in the world more hilarious?

Decidedly no.

*Having a reason to do something doesn’t necessarily make it right


Comments : 399 Comments »
Tags:
Categories : Racism

Attractive Women

25 04 2008

Karma is a bitch.

Several years ago when I was in college, I was walking outside near the student union with a friend of mine (this is the same guy that leaves comments on my blog under the name ‘Tom Harkin’). Across the street and walking towards us was an extremely attractive and scantily clad woman and, in typical Tom Harkin fashion, he pretty much completely lost the ability to do anything but gawk at her menacingly.

Figure 1: Tom Harkin (black dude, fifth from left), lover/hater of all women, on Halloween

Predictably, Tom Harkin was so distracted by this girl that he walked right into a fucking lamp post. I saw the pole he was going to run into, but I didn’t say anything because I knew how fucking funny it would be. I’m a dick, and I’m not apologizing for it.

Nearly eight years later, Karma came back to bite me in the ass. As I walked into the Korean Tax-Evasion deli in the office this morning to grab a sammich, there was a GORGEOUS African girl standing near the entrance. And as I affixed my Tom Harkinesque gaze on her for far too long…I walked right the fuck into a stand of chips. The whole fucking thing fell over, made an enormous metallic crashing sound, and sent several dozen bags of Doritos, Sun Chips, Fritos, and Dirty BBQ potato chips all over the floor of the place. Mr. Kim, the owner of the store, is looking at me in utter disbelief as I say “this is clearly not my fault.” The hot African girl is covering her mouth oh-so-delicately trying to politely hold in her laughter. Other people in the deli are looking at me like I just whipped out my cock and stuck in in somebody’s cheese steak. This is not a good way to start the morning.

Attractive women all over the country are constantly causing problems through the flaunting of their swankiness. Everyday, men waste hundreds of dollars in drinks, walk into poles, fall down staircases, crash their cars, and become the subjects of national embarrassment as a result of staring at irresistibly attractive women and their assorted parts.

Figure 2: And you thought he wore shades to be cool…

To this end, I’m going to offer some tips for my fellow men to gawk at attractive women without injuring or embarrassing themselves*:

1.) Stop moving. Whether you’re walking, running, driving a car, or flying a helicopter…STOP WHAT YOU ARE DOING. Stop walking, pull the car over, or land the fucking whirlybird, because if you don’t you are going to crash into a fucking wall and a.) look like an idiot, or b.) die. Once you’ve come to a complete stop, make sure you…

2.) Assess the target. The only thing worse than embarrassing yourself by gawking at a hot chick is embarrassing yourself by looking at an ugly chick that only looks hot from a certain angle. A woman is likely to look more attractive than she really is if she’s standing with her back to you, bending over, doing a split, or sliding down a pole. If you’ve got a bad angle, make sure you’ve got a good one before beginning your gawk. Once you know you have a gawk-worthy target…

3.) Set a time limit. You’ve only got 3 – 5 seconds of gawking time before the woman, or other people around you, figure out what you’re doing. You must determine if you want to gawk at the face, the boobs, the ass, the legs, or the hips**, and you’re probably not gonna get them all in one gawk. You need at least 1.5 seconds to appreciate any single part of the woman’s body, so conduct triage appropriately. Now you’re ready to gawk, but be sure you…

4.) Start at the bottom…and work your way up. If, for example, you want to gawk at her ass, boobs, and face, then you must start with the legs and end at the face. This protects you in the event your gawkage goes on for too long and she whips around and catches you; you’re more likely to be caught looking at her face. But remember, as you approach the top of the body, make sure you…

5.) Adjust your face. When men see hot chicks, our faces immediately get set to stupid. The ‘I see a hot chick’ face is instantly recognizable, so you must remove this countenance as early as possible in your gawk. God forbid you get caught looking like one of these idiots:

Figure 3: Watch yourself.

Good luck, gentlemen, and happy gawking.

*I’ve found myself compelled to write this article ever since I was on a date recently, the girl got up to go to the bathroom, and I was caught staring happily at her ass as she walked away by a woman at the table next to me. She gave me the stink eye. Fuck her. Ain’t my fault the girl got a booty, dammit.

**If you gawk at anything weird, like feet or elbows or ears or some shit, kill yourself, you fucking freak.


Comments : 155 Comments »
Tags:
Categories : Etiquette, Sex

Aside: Hillary Clinton is a Lying Cunt

24 04 2008

I am seriously beginning to hope that terrible things happen to this fucking woman.

http://www.cnn.com/2008/POLITICS/04/24/campaign.wrap/index.html


Comments : 232 Comments »

Categories : Asides

Allergies

24 04 2008

Sometime within the last 24 hours, my allergies decided to flare up for the first time in several years. I am now sitting here with a fucking sinus infection that’s making me want to flip out and kill people.

The following are the events of my life taking place between 7am yesterday, and 6:59am today.

7:00am - I arrive at work with a nose that feels unusually itchy. I ignore this for the most part as I split my time between railing on Hillary Clinton and trying not to fall asleep.

8:30am – Someone turns the lights on in the office. The bright, harsh, evil flourescent fucking lights.

When they flip on, I realize I have a headache. Then I notice the itchiness of my nose again. I am pissed.

11:30am – I go downstairs to the Korean deli where they only accept cash so they can evade taxes. Most of the women behind the counter also pretend not to be able to speak English, and you know they’re lying because in spite of their supposed lack of English skills, they somehow manage to laugh at Tyra Banks’ corny fucking jokes on her show that is ALWAYS on the TV in the deli.

By now I have ‘the sniffles’, but I don’t recognize it yet as allergies. I grab my food and run up the stairs five stories back to my office.

11:31am – I am inexplicably winded from running up five stories of stairs, considering that I did a 3-mile run in 23 minutes just a week ago. I sit at my desk and unwrap my nasty-ass korean gyro, take a bite and swallow. My throat is sore, and now I realize that my life is about to become miserable.

The sore throat is the first sign that minor but very annoying health problems in the form of a stuffy head, easy fatigue, headaches, and stuffy nose that is strangely runny at the same time are right around the corner.

2:00pm – I am MISERABLE. For the last two hours I’ve been working at my desk with my head tilted back and to the right while breathing out of my mouth. I look like Stephen Hawking. My nostrils are raw from blowing my nose. Some chick walks by and asks me about god-knows-what, and I respond in the tinny, nasal voice I have no choice but to use when I’m sick. She says “aw, you sound so cute when you’re sick!” I chuckle quietly, masking my urge to punch her in the vag.

3:00pm – Time to go home. I walk out the front door of the building and am greeted by the sun, which feels like it’s six inches from my fucking face and has now turned my minor sinus pressure into a full-blown headache. Some fuckstick walks by and says “gorgeous day isn’t it?!”. I want to flay this bastard and wear his skin as a war shirt while I murder everyone dear to him.

6:30pm – I’m at home working on a shitty oil painting that requires me to look down the whole time. It feels like there’s five pounds of fluid in my face, and it’s weighing down on the backs of my eyeballs trying to pop them out of my eye sockets. My head is pounding like there’s a fucking step show in my skull and every frat in the country showed up. I also have no idea where the fuck my phone is. I fucking hate everything.

7:30pm – The fumes from oil paint and paint thinner are slowly killing me, so I finally stop. I have swallowed nearly three gallons of water today, and I cannot stop going to the bathroom. I’ve also taken so many vitamin C tablets I’m starting to shit navel oranges.

1:00am – I want to go to bed, but I can’t breathe. Using dad’s old remedy, I boil crushed garlic cloves in water and breathe in the steam – and nearly burn my damn face off sticking it too close to the pot. After swearing loudly for 60 seconds, I try again with more caution.

4:45am – I’m jolted awake by my cellphone alarm. I am angrier than John McCain on MLK Day. For reasons that I cannot explain, my phone is in one of my moccasins near the bed. I start punching the moccasin mercilessly, but this does not silence the alarm. I pick the moccasin up by the toe and jiggle it. This is a stupid fucking idea. The phone drops out of the moccasin, hits the hardwood floor with a satisfying crunch, and sends the battery skidding across the floor. The alarm is off. I am happy.

4:46am – I put my phone back together and realize that I still can’t breathe. My throat still hurts. A lot. I jump in the shower.

5:35am – I remain in the shower, amazed that I still have hot water. I’m pretty sure I’m going to stay in the shower for the rest of my life. I am exhausted, and it hurts to move my eyeballs.

5:45am – I’m making pancakes, but I can’t smell them. Nor can I taste the excess batter. My blood is boiling.

6:30am – I unleash a loud snort to clear my nasal passages as I walk out my front door. Just then, my neighbor walks out her door and, having heard the snort, gives me this holier-than-thou stink eye. I make a mental note to urinate in her gas tank over the weekend.

6:59am – Arriving at my office building, a walk again up the stairs to my suite. At the top of the stairs, I feel like I just ran a fucking marathon. I am out of breath, and I am actually fucking goddamn sweating. At my desk, I drink half a bottle of DayQuil. It tastes like a rusty vagina. I wish I was dead.

* It’s a well known fact among my friends that I hate artificial light, so in the evenings my place is lit with dim recessed lighting and candles. I also don’t watch much television, so you’ll usually hear a Diana Krall or Miles Davis album playing softly in the background. Put these two together, and on any given night my home looks like it’s set up for me to seduce some unsuspecting woman, even though 99% of the time I’m home alone. Chicken Jon, who is the biggest homophobe on the planet, once arrived at my home in this condition – and asked me nervously: “uh….you aren’t…expecting anything….are you?” I, being a.) not homophobic at all and b.) a jerk, sank my teeth into his homophobia like a fucking pit bull and spent the rest of the night out with our friends threatening to bang him in the ass.

Figure 1: Chicken Jon, King of Drank


Comments : 173 Comments »
Tags:
Categories : Health

The Democratic Party

23 04 2008

There are a lot of reasons for Obama supporters to be angry at Hillary Clinton:

  • Red phone ads designed to scare people into submission, taking a page from the Karl Rove handbook
  • Calling Obama, a black man who grew up in a single-parent household and just finished paying off student loans, an elitist – while she and her husband have been earning about $15.5 million per year on average for the past seven years
  • Accusing Obama of being pro-McCain after Obama said he’d be a better president than Bush…while she herself said publicly that only she and McCain were ready to lead the country on day one
  • Crying her way to votes in Texas while claiming not to be playing the gender card
  • Playing up Obama’s connections to Rev. Wright to downplay hypocritical revelations regarding her words vs. her actions on NAFTA and Colombian free trade
  • Outright lying about sniper fire in Bosnia and her active role in the Ireland conflict

The list goes on, but I’ll stop here.

How ironic is it that so many people accuse Obama’s supporters of backing him based entirely on emotion, while no one seems to be looking into the fact that Hillary’s supporters are backing her for that reason in far greater numbers. I’m not saying that Clinton would make a bad president – quite the contrary, I think there are plenty of good reasons to vote for her, especially over that racist snake John McCain. Unfortunately, nearly every argument I’ve heard in support of Clinton, both in public and in private, have centered around the following “logic”, all of which I feel compelled to fire away at in turn:

“You know, she’s earned it. She’s worked hard. It’s Clinton’s time to be President”

There are lots of people who work hard that don’t deserve to be President.

Figure 1: Like this guy

But assuming she has worked hard in a way that makes her qualified for the Presidency…how has she proven herself to be more hardworking than Obama or, for that matter, John McCain? Yes, she’s worked hard and certainly is qualified, but that doesn’t fucking mean she’s ‘earned it’, especially when you consider the competition.

“Her husband did a good job, and I think she would too. It’s like getting Bill and Hillary at the same time.”

There are three types of people that make this argument. One type thinks that Hillary Clinton = Bill Clinton. Another type thinks that Billary will work as a two headed monster, effectively giving us two presidents slaying social injustice and reviving the hyperinflated economy of the late 1990s for the next eight years. The last type thinks that Bill will effectively become president again, overshadowing his wife in terms of policymaking and so forth thus rendering third and fourth terms of a Bill Clinton presidency.

All groups are underestimating the force of Hillary Clinton’s personality.

Figure 2: Soul-Eater

The first group seems to be ignorant of the fact that, behind closed doors, Hillary Clinton is a raging bitch. Innumerable people who have worked in close quarters with her in the past have noted three major issues with her personality: her fiery temper, her readiness to hold lifelong grudges, and her view of people as either absolute friends or absolute enemies on a very personal level. While Bill certainly shares his wife’s temper, he lacks the second and third flaws of his wife which made him a very respectable statesman until that fat chick in the purple dress showed up.

The second group is deluded. Bill and Hillary have been at odds constantly throughout the presidential campaign, with Hillary occasionally having to muzzle her husband. It’s only going to get worse if she becomes president and they start butting heads on the world stage. Bill and Hillary are a lot more likely to get in each others’ way than work together as an effective team.

The third group is just plain fucking stupid. Hillary Clinton is not the type to just get on her knees and take it from her husband (if she were, the Lewinsky thing probably wouldn’t have happened). Hillary Clinton is too strong a woman to be run or overshadowed by her husband, even if her husband is the awesome political legend that is Bill Clinton. A vote for Hillary is not a vote for Bill, you delusional fucktards.

“It’s time for a woman to be President.”

This is the most infuriating argument of all because it is by far the least logical. I’ve never heard any woman make this argument and actually explain WHY it’s time for a woman to be President – so I’m going to posit some arguments for these morons.

1.) a woman could bring a ‘light and gracious touch’ to international politics, helping restore America’s good moral standing after Dubyah et al ran roughshod over our reputation in the pursuit of oil/evil.

This argument has one crucial flaw: Hillary Clinton is not a woman. Hillary Clinton is a fucking cyborg.

Figure 3: Clin-Tron

Gracious and feminine are not words that come to mind when one thinks of Hillary Clinton. In fact, her combative nature, hardheadedness, and ends-justify-the-means modus operandi are reflective of none other than George W. Bush. Hillary Clinton is not the one to bring a lady’s touch to the American and/or international political scapes.

2.) women have been oppressed forever, it’s time for a woman to come to the head of power

Perhaps this would be a valid thing to say if Hillary wasn’t running against a black man, but since she is – it’s not. Non-black women everywhere are making this argument and, by tacit extension, are claiming that white women in America have a deeper history of oppression than black men, to which I respond thusly.

Why, then, is this post entitled “The Democratic Party”? Simple. Everything I’ve written above has illustrated one unavoidable fact: the ‘Democratic Party’ is a lie.

Figure 4: But the logo is pretty damn accurate

‘Democrat’ is not a party – it’s a label. It’s a label adopted by disparate and often competing groups that have virtually nothing in common. Just think about the divisiveness that’s reared its head in the democratic race:

  • Blacks are being pitted against Latinos
  • Blacks are threatening to boycott elections if Hillary wins
  • Middle class white men are overwhelmingly unwilling to vote for Obama
  • White women are being pitted against black people
  • Black women are being torn in half
  • Practically-minded poor/middle-class people are being pitted against ‘high minded’ yuppies
  • The rural vote and the urban vote are virtually dichotomous
  • The Clinton vote and the Independent vote are virtually dichotomous
  • 40+% of Obama’s voters won’t support Clinton if she wins
  • 40+% of Clinton’s voters won’t support Obama if he wins

This divisiveness is going to cost us the election. Barring some HUGE gaffe by John McCain, he will win the general election because a.) all republicans will vote for him, b.) all white middle class voters will vote for him if Obama wins, or all Independents will vote for him and many black/young people will stay home if Clinton wins, and c.) John McCain is Satan.

So given McCain’s inevitable win, who do you think we’ll invade first: Iran, China, or Russia?


Comments : 177 Comments »
Tags: , ,
Categories : Politics

Sunburn

22 04 2008

Black people have always had a tortured relationship with non-blacks who tan themselves. There’s a certain level of mockery infused in blond bombshells sitting in the sun trying to get darker while innately harboring a sense of superiority over the naturally mocha, and that pisses us the fuck off*. It all goes back to Paul Mooney’s elegant quote: “Everybody wanna be a nigga don’t nobody wanna be a nigga.”

I could go on all day long about white people, tanning, and the evils thereof – but instead I’m going to address something completely confined within the black community. There is a minority within the minority that suffers in silence due to a combination of the awesome power of the sun and the pride we dark people take in our naturally occurring melanin. Their plight has gone on without mention for far too long…

I’m talking about black people who sunburn.

Figure 1: Hiding my shame in Puerto Rico**

The Melanin-Challenged (henceforth called “MCs” for brevity) suffer everyday with their condition. We put up with the darker among us referring to us as ‘yellow’. We laugh along on the outside but cry on the inside when the darkers mock sunburned white people. We lie…LIE PASSIONATELY…when we claim “yea I’m light, but I never get sunburn.” Ever had an MC tell you this? LIES! ALL LIES!

If an MC is on vacation with a bunch of darkers in a place where sunburn can happen, he lives his life in fear. If he is caught putting on sunblock, he will face days of merciless mockery as his blackness is slowly siphoned away like the world’s oil supply. If he fails to get his sunblock on undetected and is caught with the reddish shame of sunburn, the darkers will literally kill, cook and eat him to restore balance to the Force.***

Figure 2: Burns easily

The clever MC will steal away into the bathroom, or decide to ‘take a walk’ alone, or say “hey, I’m gonna go hit on the hot hotel clerk.” This is the best way to get alone time to apply sunblock without getting caught. The best time to do it is first thing in the morning. The darkers, who have spent the entire day freely basking in the sun and are supercharged by mid-day from the sun’s energy stored in their skin, are at their weakest and most docile at dawn when the sun’s power is at a minimum. They are must less likely to question you or ask to come along.

Make sure that you have the sunblock in a clear jar or cup labeled ‘Sperm’. That’ll keep your friends from looking at it too closely and finding out what it really is if they stumble across it by accident. Also if you get caught applying sunblock in the bathroom, you can say that it’s your sperm in the jar and not sunblock. When they ask why you’re rubbing your sperm all over your body, tell them you’re half Mayan. Do not offer any further explanation. If this doesn’t work, pick up the jar and make like you’re gonna throw it at them.

Figure 3: Is probably willing to cover himself in sperm

If, however, you’re unable to apply your sunblock before going out into the sun…you’re pretty much fucked. The best option is to insist on wearing a shirt and baseball cap because “I got eczema n’ shit“. This is usually excuse enough to apply huge amounts of cocoa butter (an effective sunblock in large doses) to your face – the only remaining vulnerable area on your body – without drawing too much suspicion. You’ll be miserably hot for the rest of your vacation, but at least your friends won’t eat you.

There will come a time, though, when you get sunburn no matter what precautions you take. As your darker friends sharpen their knives and forks, try throwing these excuses at them:

  • “The sun is way more powerful at the equator”
  • “I made love to an unclean woman/man”
  • “Man, will you look at these rashes? I forgot I’m allergic to sand and water”
  • “Shit, my leprosy’s flaring up again”
  • “Dude check out my red body paint! You didn’t hear? You gotta be painted red to get into the clubs here”
  • “I am gay”

Figure 4: Have a happy summer, you beige motherfucker

*And yes, this includes the inordinate numbers of fat white chicks from the midwest who are, for reasons I will NEVER be able to explain, incredibly alluring to so many dark black males. I swear there’s some kind of pathological forbidden slave/master mentality that, somehow, both parties manage to get off on.

**If you can peel your eyes away from the trainwreck of gross that is my upper body and look closely at the chicks in the background, you’ll notice their boobies are hanging out. This is the one good thing about white girls tanning.

*** This claim is unsubstantiated


Comments : 242 Comments »
Tags:
Categories : Health

Children II

21 04 2008

Part of an ongoing series. See the original Children article here.

I’ve recently started taking public transportation to work. This, combined with my early-in/early-out schedule (I arrive at 7am and leave around 3pm – right when school lets out) means one thing and one thing only: I have to deal with a bunch of goddamn motherfucking kids getting on my subway trains.

Figure 1: The children are the future. The apocalypse is in the future. It all makes sense.

In an earlier post, I claimed that nothing was more indicative of the plight of black people than the ‘black’ grocery store. I was wrong. The single biggest indicator of the plight of black America is the behavior of our children.

My daily Metro ride from White Flint station to Woodley Park is usually the most peaceful 15 minutes or so of my day. There’s practically no one on the train. No one has their mp3 player turned all the way up so I can hear exactly what songs they’re listening to with earbud headphones all the way on the other side of the fucking train. There are no whinos in the car either. I can sit in the elder-handicapped reserved seats and stretch out my freakishly long legs as I read a book or whip out my laptop to work on websites. Then we hit Woodley Park, and all fucking hell breaks loose.

Figure 2: Tactical Map of My Misery

At Woodley Park, 20 motherfucking kids leap into the train, knocking over old people and stepping on peoples’ shoes without even thinking to turn around and offer an ‘excuse me’ or ‘I’m sorry’. They fill up all the seats as quickly as possible, leaving the adults (especially the old people) who are legitimately tired to stand up the entire time. But the worst part of all…

They are all SCREAMING at each other.

It doesn’t matter whether they’re sitting right next to each other, or at opposite ends of the car. They scream at the top of their lungs. They are swearing profusely in front of adults, and not only do they not care – they seem to be proud of it. Ten year old boys are watching grown women walk by and saying shit like “yea she sexy as shit. I’d FUCK”, and they’re making sure the woman hears it. These demonic embryos are trying to mimic or assert adulthood by embracing the worst parts of being grown up.

At each stop, more and more of these little fuck-cunts jump onto my train. A feeding-frenzy of swearing, screaming, running, jumping, and property damage ensues that makes me feel I’ve been transported onto a pirate ship commanded by grog-filled midgets with plastic barettes in their hair.

Figure 3: …you get the idea

As I sit there with all five of my senses being assaulted by the little pro-choice justifications cutting up all around me, I can’t help but realize that one day these children will grow up, and there will be no hope for them. They will have no idea how to function in the real world. They will be listless followers of MTV and BET. They will watch Tyler Perry movies and actually enjoy them. They will be sociopathic and not even know it. They will be utterly unemployable. They will never take the Hippocratic Oath or pass the bar. They will be the reason Democrats raise taxes on me again.

The little shitholes finally make their exit at L’Enfant Plaza, leaving me with just enough time to regain my sanity before my exit stop at Federal Center SW. I walk four blocks to my condo, all the while avoiding the urge to play in traffic. I get home and pop ‘Idiocracy‘ into my DVD player for the 10th time. I realize that I’m not seeing comedy; I’m seeing into the fucking future.

Maybe the Mayans were right, and we’ll get lucky and have the world end on December 21, 2012.


Comments : 257 Comments »
Tags: ,
Categories : Parenting

Woman-Hating Women

18 04 2008

Every man has had a conversation similar to the following after meeting a woman in her 20s:

Guy: “So whaddyou like to do? Where do you hang out?”
Girl: “Oh you know, the usual. Bars, clubs, lounges, etc. I love to try new restaurants but my friends just aren’t into that sorta thing?”
Guy: “Yea? What’s their problem?”
Girl: “Well, most of my friends are guys. So we usually wind up doing ‘manly’ shit – trying new restaurants isn’t really their bag”
Guy: “Most of your friends are guys?”
Girl: “Yea…I don’t really get along with girls. Too much drama, and they’re too bitchy”
Guy: [head explodes]

Figure 1: If women hate each other, there should be a lot more of this

7 of the last 8 women I’ve met have tried to spoon-feed me this statement in some form or another, and many of my female acquaintances I’ve known for years say the same thing. All in all, I’m willing to say that 80% of all twenty-something girls I’ve ever met claim that all/most of her friends are men because girlfriends are too high-maintenance/bitchy/full-o-drama, etc. For whatever reason, girls seem about twice as likely to declare woman-hate if they’re interested in you sexually. This shit is infuriating for two reasons:

1. It’s a Lie

If so many women claim to hate hanging out with other women, they why the fuck are there so many women at social events hanging out with other women? And not just a couple women are seen together – it’s whole wolfpacks of chicks rolling six or seven deep and happily executing pre-emptive cockblocking for (or against) one another. You rarely, if ever, look around and see a pack of dudes orbiting their platonic female friend.

Figure 2: Myth

I can hear the ladies’ response now: “Wait! You’re wrong! Lots of girls DO have mostly male friends, they just prefer to hang out with one or at most two of them at a time! GIGGLE!” That brings me to the second reason woman-hating women are unmitigatedly repulsive…

2. All Her Male Friends Want to Fuck Her

Anybody ever notice that, for girls that really do have almost all male friends, pretty much all the guys are single? Married or committed men don’t hang out with women on the one-on-one basis those women prefer because this would enrage their partners for a very simple reason: barring special circumstances usually involving years-long friendships, men only hang out with women in the hopes of eventually having sex with them.

Pay very close attention here, ladies: MEN DO NOT WANT PLATONIC FEMALE FRIENDS.

Why the hell would we? Sure, girls have a lot to offer as friends. But male friends offer everything female friends offer (that we care about) without all the emotional crap. Being friends with a woman is like having a girlfriend who won’t have sex with you. Being friends with a man is like having a pet rock. You can neglect it, abuse it, fart on it, make fun of it, and yet nothing changes. It’s fucking awesome.

So yes, ladies – your single male friends are not your friends. They just want to fuck you.

Figure 3: (l to r) – how women think their guy friends see them, how their guy friends really see them

I can hear the responses to this already…

“But he’s so nice!”

Because he wants to fuck you.

“But he’s never made a move”

He’s waiting for an opening. He probably just watched “When Harry Met Sally”. He wants to fuck you.

“But we’ve been friends for ten years!”

See my answer above

“But he dates other girls!”

He does this to appear as if he doesn’t want to fuck you, so that one day you’ll fuck him*.

When you meet a guy and tell him that you have a bunch of male friends because girls are too ‘bitchy’, you think he hears “I’m low-maintenance and down to earth!” What he really hears is “I’ve got a mile-long line of dudes waiting to fuck me at the first available opportunity!”

Please please stop it.

*Empirical evidence has shown that there is nothing sexier to a woman than an attractive man who, while acknowledging her presence, seems completely uninterested in having sex with her. The more attractive the woman is, the more this rule applies.


Comments : 286 Comments »

Categories : Sex

« Previous Entries