Diabetes

19 03 2008

Every black person in America lives with the horrifying truth that everything we love will eventually give us diabetes.

That’s right, buddy. Consider the following…

Fried chicken, fried scallops, fried shrimp, catfish, candied yams, collards, hog maws, chitterlings (ugh), scrapple, biscuits and gravy, peach cobbler, fried apples, sweet potato pie, cranberry sauce, green beans, stuffing, fried turkey, fried potatoes, pig feet, chicken feet (why?), hamburgers, pulled pork sammiches, hot dogs, pork ribs, butter beans, BBQ chicken, chicken and dumplings, corn pudding, rice pudding, red beans and rice, grits, black-eyed peas, devilled eggs, extra cheesy mac and cheese, corn bread, kool aid, southern sweet tea (which peach, if you’re a rich asshole) and above all…the HOT SAUCE.

You’re hungry as fuck now. You know you are. You’re so hungry right now that you wanna run outta the office and make love to someone for the next six hours. And I’m not talking about tender, emotional lovemaking. I’m talking about angry fucking - the kind that leaves you, your significant other, and even the family dog ten pounds lighter and covered in sweat. The kinda sex that, to a passerby, looks more like Capoeira than coitus. Sex that’s so damn good you start swearing at each other. That’s the kind of irresistible fucking hunger I’m talking about.* Yep. Well guess what?

It’s going to kill us all.

soulfood.jpg

Figure 1: Vile Temptress

My grandmother is 96 years old. In her 96 years, I don’t think she’s ever eaten a meal that wasn’t made with at least 6 heaping tablespoons of butter and lard. She eats soul food EVERY MOTHERFUCKING DAY. Yet, she’s about the healthiest 96 year old you will ever meet. Her hearing is spotty and she tends to forget things, but she can walk anywhere, climb stairs without a problem, and had the presence of mind about a month ago to tell me “oh child, siddown and shove it” when I made the rather ludicrous (but empirically true) claim that cats hate black people.

The rest of us are doomed. Soul food is going to go from being a delectable treat to forcing us to take Wilford Brimley seriously instead of laughing at his pronunciation of the word ‘diabetes’ (see Figure 2).

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Figure 2: Will not tolerate Diabeetus

Diabetes is particularly frightening to me, because being both black and native american means that I’m burning both ends of the diabetes candle. Chicken to the right of me, Bannock to the left of me. For all the legions of black people running around out there thinking you have Cherokee ancestry…you better hope you’re wrong.

*I should write trashy romance novels. Or more accurately, I shouldn’t.





Bad Hygiene

19 03 2008

Some fucker in the bathroom today took a dump so unbelievably epic that if it had a soundtrack, it would’ve featured ‘O Fortuna‘ as the title track. After prolonged and audible straining, several prayers to Roman, Greek, and Sumerian deities to free the meadow muffins from his colon, enduring the resulting Gastrointestinal Symphony as rendered by the Butt Trumpet Philharmonic, and spending a good ten minutes wiping his ass…

THIS DUDE BOUNCED WITHOUT WASHING HIS HANDS!

It so happened that another black dude and I exited our stalls at about the same time, and the look on his face, which was clearly the result of what he’d just heard (the dump) and not heard (the cleansing sound of water), was that of a freshly raped prison inmate. At this point my memory was suddenly refreshed: black people HATE bad bathroom hygiene.


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Figure 1: Fuck you.

Black people around the country cringe in anger when we see urine droplets all over the sides of the damn urinals and on the floor*, doo-doo skid marks all around the sides of the toilet, unflushed toilets**, strips of toilet paper all over the damn place, and the lingering scent of excrement in the air because people refuse to courtesy flush. Let two black people meet in a bathroom under these conditions, and knowing looks of disgust will be shared. They will also share a knowing look of relief, because they know that black people rarely leave a public bathroom in foul condition***.

This all, of course, addresses male behavior in the bathroom. But what about the women?

I’ve known women in general to be pretty clean when it comes to doing numbers 1 and 2, but they go through some kind of Kafkaesque hygenic metamorphasis when they decide to jump in the shower. It’s a two part puzzle - 1.) they somehow leave more hair on the floor, sink, and drains than the total amount of hair they’ve ever grown on their heads in their entire lives and 2.) despite the fact that they exit the bathroom covered in robes and towels, there is water EVERYWHRE and the towels are COMPLETELY DRY. This leaves men to wonder 1.) where the fuck is all this hair coming from, and 2.) what are the goddamn towels for?

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Figure 2: Why?

I assume women wear the towels to distract us from the hairy swamp worlds they create in our bathrooms by providing easy access to their naughty bits. After all, I might be willing to overlook the fact that my bathroom looks like someone just went to work on a Yorkie with clippers and a fire hose if sex is within easy reach. As for the hair…I’m simply going to assume that women actually relieve themselves by growing hair out of their asses and shaving it off as they shower - because I really have no proof that any woman has ever taken a dump (in the traditional sense), and no other explanation seems plausible.

*How the FUCK does this happen?
**HOW HARD IS IT TO FLUSH A FUCKING TOILET?!?!?!?
***This is similar to the look of relief black people give each other when we hear on the news that a newly-alleged criminal isn’t black





To My Readers: Theme Update

18 03 2008

All,

I’ve been asked to update my theme to include a search bar and other crap to make it easier to search the site, so here it is.

Don’t be alarmed, the site hasn’t been hijacked or taken over by Viacom. The unadulterated hate will continue to flow like the mighty Ganges.

-Chris





Viacom

18 03 2008

I sincerely hope I’m not the only person noticing the increasing acceptance of the word ‘nigger’ on television.

Five years ago, it was completely unacceptable to use this word, uncensored, on virtually any network or basic cable television program. It was bleeped out when black people said it, and it was bleeped out when white people said it. It was bleeped out on the radio when stupid ass J-Lo used it in “I’m Real”. It’s bleeped out in the censored version of Eddie Murphy’s “Raw”. It was EVEN bleeped out (usually) in PBS and basic cable airings of the “Roots” series.

Today, you hear the word ‘nigger’ being said EVERYWHERE by EVERYONE - and nothing is more interesting than the fact that this can be blamed entirely on Comedy Central.

chapellesshow.jpg

Figure 1: Created a monster

Chappelle’s Show premeired on Comedy Central sometime in 2003 with the incomparable Dave Chappelle as it’s star and creative director. The first season (and specifically, the first skit in the first episode of the first season), executed nothing short of racial shock-and-awe with Clayton Bigsby’s constant uncensored use of the word ‘nigger’. This skit was absolutely fucking hilarious and would set the tone for the racial irreverence that defined the show. What poor Dave wouldn’t realize until 2005 was that he’d created Dr. Frankenstein’s monster.

As I see it, Dave used the word ‘nigger’ to force white people to laugh at their racist past (and present). Use of this word, as well as other black-white themes in the show, were supposed to make white people think introspectively about their own stereotypes, become aware of them, and perhaps become more cognizant of subtle, latent racism. In short, these caustic jokes were intended to make white people laugh at themselves.

The same can be said of two now-infamous episodes of South Park - also a Comedy Central product

The first was the ‘Here Comes the Neighborhood’ episode, in which the only black kid in town (who also happens to be the only rich kid in town) feels isolated by his wealth, and goes on a campaign to get more rich people to move in. All the rich people he gets to move in are also black, and the entire storyline is then based on the conflict between the townsfolk (all poor and white) and the newcomers (all rich and black).

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Figure 2: Rich black kids will never do this

The conflict, however, is mockingly centered on class instead of race - the townsfolk refer their rich black neighbors as ‘richers’ instead of ‘niggers’ and dress up with white hoods and robes because “rich people are scared of ghosts”. All this is designed to make people aware of the obvious racial subtext in spite of the less plausible but certainly possible socioeconomic subtext - and again get white people to laugh at subtle racism.

Then there was the much less subtle ‘Nigger Guy’ episode, which was partially created in response to Michael Richard’s tirade at the Laugh Factory, but was probably created even moreso in response to his claim after the fact that he’s “not a racist.”

The plot is simple. One character is at the bonus round of Wheel of Fortune. The category of the puzzle is “People Who Annoy You” and, after picking his four consonants and a vowel, the letters on the board read N _ G G E R S.

niggerguy.jpg

Figure 3: I can’t believe this hasn’t happened in real life yet

After an uncomfortable 5 seconds and a threatening look from the black cameraman, he finally shouts out ‘NIGGERS!!!’…only to find out that the answer to the puzzle was ‘NAGGERS’ (as in people who nag.) This character then spends the rest of the show trying to convince everyone in the country that he’s not a racist, becoming socially ostracized in the process and forced to become friends with people like Michael Richards and Mark Fuhrman. Like ‘Here Comes the Neighborhood’ and Chapelle’s Show, this episode was designed to make people examine their own racist attitudes, and get a laugh by laughing at themselves.

This is not what happened.

All these shows accomplished was, in fact, to desensitize everyone to the word ‘nigger’ and, by extension, the very idea of racism itself. Using the word ‘nigger’ was supposed to shock people into realizing that they still harbored latently racist attitudes. Instead, it just got everyone laughing at the word ‘nigger’, black stereotypes, and the resulting indignation of black people.

Dave Chappelle realized this sometime in late 2004, when he noticed one of his white crew members effectively laughing AT him instead of WITH him. He quit soon after, but the damage was already done. ‘Here Comes the Neighborhood’, which aired in 2001 (before Chappelle’s Show) did not use the word ‘nigger’ - not even bleeped out. After Chappelle’s Show ended, everyone was using the N-word all over television - including the ‘Nigger Guy’ episode of South Park which used the word at least several dozen times, uncensored.

The insensitivity to the word finally leaped out of television and onto the streets of supposedly enlightened cities like Washington D.C., where suddenly I could hear white people freely using the N-word IN PUBLIC and IN THE PRESENCE OF BLACK PEOPLE. Basically, we can thank Comedy Central for an increasing perception among non-blacks that black people should be OK with the N-Word coming out of their mouths.

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Figure 4: “Duuuuude! What’s up my nigger?!”

Of course, none of this is really surprising since Comedy Central is owned by Viacom. Many people are fooled into thinking that Viacom is a media conglomerate, but smart people know exactly what Viacom is:

Vi . a . com [vie - ah - cohm] (n) - a soulless economic juggernaut with the sole and expressed purpose of destroying black people*

Viacom is responsible for all kinds of offenses against black people, in addition to tricking Dave Chappelle and the creators of South Park into thinking their racially incisive wit would be understood with any degree of sophistication by the average jackass. These offenses include, but are not limited to:

  • The unmitigated destruction of hip hop as an artform and mode of cultural expression
  • The popularization of the ‘angry black man’ and ‘gay black man’ stereotypes through shows like The Real World
  • MTV
  • BET, and specifically all the racist stereotypes injected into the shows on this network, which was then expanded overseas to promote worldwide stereotypes of black people
  • The assassination of JFK**
  • The 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center**
  • The crucifixion of Jesus**
  • Slavery**
  • The destruction of Alderaan**

deathstar.jpg

Figure 5: Viacom Headquarters

It’s pretty obvious that in ‘Undercover Brother’, Universal Pictures had Viacom in mind when referencing the nameless evil corporation, intent on the enslavement/destruction of black people, that was headed by ‘The Man’. I just wish more people saw this for what is was.

*This may be understating a little
**This may be overstating a little





Grocery Shopping

17 03 2008

Don’t get me wrong - black people love to eat, and buying food is one of the few activities in which we’re happy to spend a relatively large amount of money, especially if BBQ is involved. But the Yin to that Yang is this simple fact:

There is no venue in America more indicative of the plight of black people than the black grocery store.

I’m a spoiled motherfucker. After completing my 18 year sentence in southeast DC, I spent the next 7 years removed from the black grocery store. Between 18 - 21, I pretty much never shopped at all because I always ate at this godforsaken place. From 21 - 22, I lived near White Oak and was treated to grocery stores filled mostly with Hispanics*. From age 22 to the present, I bounced around in more affluent neighborhoods like Rockville and Germantown, and found myself shopping at goddamn Whole Foods and Harris Teeter**.

Then, about 2 months ago, I bought a condo in a neighborhood that’s in…transition - that is, a black neighborhood sprinkled with nervous-looking white people.

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Figure 1: This happens on my street constantly

My reaction to re-entering the black grocery store after spending the last three years or so at Whole Foods was kinda like the reaction between really really cold water and really really hot oil (for those who don’t cook - it’s unexpected, loud, confusing, messy, and painful). My first trip to the local Safeway involved the following:

  • Getting cursed out by the homeless dude who loiters in front of the store because, apparently, $5 is way below the unit price for the giant pile of absolutely fucking nothing he gave me in return for it. This was followed almost immediately by me being bowled over by…
  • …a boy, about 12 years old, shoplifting two sacks of oranges and being chased by an elderly store manager. But at least he’ll be eating healthier than…
  • …the 400+ lb man with a shopping cart OVERFLOWING with Hungry Man dinners (and nothing but Hungry Man dinners), as if his fat ass could possibly be Hungry or even remotely resembled a Man. Perhaps he eats because he’s depressed as a result of being married to…
  • …the woman whose eyebrows were a.) drawn on with b.) a turquoise fucking pencil. She was, not surprisingly, the mother of…
  • …the toddler who was screaming, I kid you not, “YALL NIGGAZ AIN’T SHIT!” to virtually anyone who got within six feet of him, including…
  • …the 15 (?) year old girl who was dressed like a stripper named ‘Sable’ and kept asking me for my phone number. To get her off my case, I figured I’d busy myself by reading a magazine - so I look over at the mag aisle to be greeted by endless copies of…
  • …’Guns ‘N Ammo’ magazine, conveniently located in the main grocery store of a neighborhood with a 30 year history of rampant gun violence.

before.jpg after.jpg afterafter.jpg

Figure 2: (l to r) Before grocery shopping, after grocery shopping, and how I got over it***

I love my black people, but goddammit…I miss Whole Foods.

*Hispanic grocery stores, even in questionable neighborhoods, are remarkably immaculate.
**Every time you shop at Whole Foods, God kills a kitten. Or if He’s busy, this guy will.
***Yes, these are actual pictures of my goofy looking self





Stupid Names

14 03 2008

At a Kenneth Cole in Bethesda a few months back, I had the pleasure of meeting a very attractive young black woman working the sales floor. Very tall, very well-built, assertive yet soft-spoken, and ambitious enough to be pursuing an advanced degree without being a dick about it. I was damn near ready to marry this girl on the spot.

Then she told me her name. “La La.”

This was her actual fucking name. It wasn’t a nickname. It wasn’t her middle name. It wasn’t her name in Sanskrit. I’m sorry to say it, but the conversation pretty much ended there. Assuming things got serious, there’s no way I’m introducing to my mother a chick whose name doubles as a drug-induced slur. I’d rather be keelhauled.

lala.jpg

Figure 1: Lala is a clam, not a name.

The incident got me thinking about all the ridiculous names of black people I’ve come across in my lifetime, and exactly why the fuck these childrens’ parents would do something so socially damning as to name their child something like ‘Sugar’ or ‘Heaven’ or ‘Knoshawn’.

Any parent who gives their child a ridiculous name is dooming that child to failure in more ways than they could possibly fathom. It will inhibit your life professionally, socially, romantically, and even physically*

* I have a cousin who, upon meeting people named after luxury cars (e.g. Mercedes, Lexus, etc.), takes a blood oath to ram them whilst driving their namesake automobile. He sincerely believes this will restore balance to the universe, and so do I.

In analyzing this cultural disease, it became apparent that stupid black names fall under four major categories (listed in decreasing order of popularity):

  1. Swahili Bastardizations
  2. Megalomaniacal Descriptors
  3. Luxury Latch-Ons
  4. The Unfathomably Ridiculous

I will address these in turn.

Swahili Bastardizations

During the waning years of the Civil Rights Movement, black people all over the country decided to rebel against the dominant society by rejecting typical white (slave) names and adopting names closer to our own roots. The natural choice was, then, to adopt African names - but it wasn’t quite that simple. African Americans have a natural distrust of actual Africans…so we wanted to give our children names that sounded like they were from the mother continent, but wouldn’t make people think our children were actually African. It all went downhill from here.

Swahili names (taken from eastern and central Africa and typically applied to girls) and Arabic names (taken from north Africa and typically applied to boys) became ferociously popular - but for some reason many parents felt the need to mutate the Swahili names. So while boys received unaltered Arabic names like Ahmad and Kareem, girls were nominally punched in the uterus with senseless names like Shanequa and Shaquan. Parents to this day insist on naming their girls this way, despite the knowledge that doing so dooms their child to being perceived thusly by the population at large.

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Figure 2: Not one of them is named ‘Laquesha’

Megalomanical Descriptors

Again, girls were the ones who really took it up the ass when it suddenly became popular to name children shit like ‘Pleasure’, ‘Heaven’, and ‘Serenity’. I can only assume that the parents think they’ll be the only people who ever call the child by her first name - daddies all over the world call their little girls ‘Precious’ without a second thought. But this logic is horrendously flawed, and akin to a girl legally changing her name to ‘Baby’, ‘Sweetheart’, or ‘Boo’ because that’s how her boyfriend addresses her.

Note to all prospective parents: nothing makes people more uncomfortable than having to address a complete fucking stranger as ‘Precious’ - and yes, to 99.99999999999999% of the world, your kid will be a stranger with an insufferable fucking name. Call your child all the pet names you want, but please leave it off the goddamn birth certificate.

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Figure 3: Less awkward than a kid named ‘Treasure’

Luxury Latch-Ons

For whatever reason, black parents all over the country decided that naming their children after expensive things would bode good fortune for them throughout their lives. Consequently, there are legions of unfortunate people (mostly girls, again) with names like Chanel, Mercedes, Chandelier, and even Prada (yes, I did meet a girl named Prada, and it was the worst day of my life.)

I have personally never met someone with an LL-O name that made more than $10 an hour - so all these parents are really doing is pigeon-holing their kids into careers that will always involve a name tag and the omnipresent threat of a grease fire. Take a look at the names of the richest people in North America, and you’ll quickly realize that simplicity is the key.

Kid Named ‘Lexus’ ∩ Success = ø

The Unfathomably Ridiculous

This is where the men finally get it…and as far as I’m concerned it makes up for the fact that girls bear the brunt of the first three categories. UR names span the gamut from gross misspellings of common names (e.g. Anfernee) to those that could only be the result of massive head trauma (e.g. Oranjello)

Interestingly, though, UR names seem to be the only ones that actually correlate with financial success in life. If you need proof, take a look at the roster for any team in the NBA and you’ll find at least half a dozen dudes with a UR name. So the names are stupid, but if it works….then hey….

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Figure 4: Stupid name? Fuck it.

Aside: Asian People

Being friends with a lot of Asian people has taught me that Asians just LOVE to make fun of the names black people give to their children - which is about the worst case of the pot calling the kettle black that I could possibly imagine. Our names may be ridiculous, but your entire languages are fucked up. Give me enough milk and beans, and I can say any word in Vietnamese with my butt.

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Figure 5: At least one of these people is named Long Truc Phuc





Tiny Food

13 03 2008

I was enjoying the hell outta myself in Puerto Rico until, during my complimentary breakfast at the hotel, I was served a so-called ‘banana’ that was about the size of my thumb.

The tiny food didn’t end there. There was also a tangerine about the size of a testicle, a grapefruit the size of a small orange, and a slice of watermelon from a fruit that couldn’t have been much bigger than a softball. For the wait staff to serve me, a 6′3″ 190 lb grown-ass man, this diminutive clusterfuck of fruit led me to the very obvious conclusion that everyone in Puerto Rico is trying to kill me. I spent the rest of my vacation giving the locals the stink eye.

prbreakfast.jpg

Figure 1: Puerto Rican breakfast…and the reason they don’t have the strength to assert their independence from the U.S.

I was only mildly upset about the tiny fruit until my companion, who grew up in Africa and is a newly naturalized U.S. citizen, proceeded to say this:

“Dude, this is how big fruit really is. It’s not that genetically engineered, hormone injected giant fruit crap that you find in the States. This is what real fruit really looks like.”

This statement hurled me into a dimension of pissed off I never even knew existed.

Don’t you just love it when foreigners come to the U.S. telling you how shit ’should be’? They say that things ’should be’ as they are in their home country, in spite of the fact that their country is so fucked up they found it necessary to flee to this one. Their opinions of this kind extend from international banking all the way down to how big food should be.

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Figure 2: Knows how to fix your country

Well ya know what goddammit? Being from the world’s sole remaining superpower entitles me to tell you foreign fuckers exactly how big food should be*:

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Figure 3: George Washington Crossing the Delaware

That’s right - if the food is too small to be made into a fully functional kayak, it ain’t fuckin’ food and it sure as hell ain’t American - and least of all is it acceptable to black people. Wanna piss off a black person? Offer that fucker some finger food and watch what happens to you.

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Figure 4: Offered his friend Keyshawn a Bagel Bite

Feed me giant fruit and pork ribs, or get your fucking ass kicked. I’m pretty sure that’s the last sentence in the Constitution.

*I truly cannot wait for non-Americans to respond with their cliched “yea you’re a superpower…for now” bullshit, as if dudes from Tanzania, Canada, and even China are just chomping at the bit to invade North Carolina. Yes, fool, we ARE a superpower for now - and NOW is all that matters right NOW. Staking a claim on the global moral high ground ain’t gonna topple the U.S. - because while you may have sophisticated worldly rhetoric, we have this fucking thing. So until you can field a blue water navy to shove a new opinion down my throat, shut the fuck up and eat your tiny fruit.





To My Readers: Gone Fishin’ Till 3/13

7 03 2008

All,

I would like to extend our special thanks to everyone who’s been reading the blog so far. I’m taking a trip to Puerto Rico to calm my nerves, and will be returning on March 13th full of more hate than ever before. I will do my best to blog at least once or twice while I’m there, but I can’t make any promises.

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Figure 1: Refused to be my Valentine

Before I go, there’s one issue that I’ve been emailed a lot about - namely a lot of people have seen my disclaimer about this blog’s similarity to StuffWhitePeopleLike.org, and pretty much leave me alone about it. However, as most of you know, there is also a very popular site called ‘StuffEducatedBlackPeopleLike’ that people are accusing me of spinning off, since I don’t have a similar disclaimer for that site.

I’d just like to say, for the record, that if you look at the date of my first post and the date of SEBPL’s first post, you will see that my blog was actually written first - therefore, the reason I didn’t write a disclaimer for it is because I’m not a motherfucking psychic. This is not intended to discredit SEBPL (which I find to be a fairly amusing site, albeit less caustic than mine), nor is it intended to defend the originality of this blog. Rather, the intent is to get people to stop emailing me about this shit because my delete key is getting worn out.

SEBPL happens to be the more popular blog by far, maybe because it’s more focused, or maybe it more closely mirrors SWPL in subject and tone, or maybe it’s better written - I don’t know and I don’t care. For me, it’s not a friggin’ popularity contest - it’s about keeping me out of a looney bin and entertaining a few good humored folks (and enraging those who are less so) along the way.

So with that issue finally settled (I hope), thanks everyone for your kind words and comments, and for spreading the joyful hate of this website. I’ll be figuratively seeing you late next week.

-Chris





James Watson

7 03 2008

I forget exactly how, but yesterday I wound up digging up this old coot in a news search yesterday:

watson.jpg

Figure 1: Enjoys black people

In case you’ve forgotten who this guy is, he’s American DNA pioneer Dr. James Watson who, after an illustrious career that included countless accolades and a Nobel Prize, effectively ended it with the following ill-advised remarks:

“[I'm] inherently gloomy about the prospect of Africa [because] all our social policies are based on the fact that their intelligence is the same as ours - whereas all the testing says not really.”

He then said that he hopes everyone is equal, but “people who have to deal with black employees find this is not true.”

Way to put the final nail in your own coffin, dipshit.

So one of the most highly acclaimed genetic scientists in the world wraps up his career by basing the intelligence (or lack thereof) of black people on IQ tests and the fact that Shanequa fucked up his order at Burger King. Nevermind the fact that the ‘testing’ he’s referring to increasingly indicates that a.) IQ differences between the races can be attributed to environmental factors and cultural bias in the tests themselves, and b.) no genetically causal relationship exists between skin color and intelligence - and the idea that there IS a causal relationship is considered ludicrous in the scientific community at-large.

There’s something about this idiot’s downfall that just makes me smile, especially given his statement about black employees. It makes me smile because, if basing the intelligence of an entire race of people on a sample of a few bad apples is the game we’re going to play, then by all means deal me in, motherfucker:

redneck1.jpg redneck2.jpg redneck4.jpg redneck6.jpe dubyah.jpeg

Figure 2: White Supremacy Poker - Royal Flush

Followup: If you go to Google Images and search “Ugly White People”, James Watson is fifth on the list.

Followup 2: Even funnier, if you go to Google Images and search “Ugly Black People”, he’s number six.





Subtle Racism II: Nightlife

6 03 2008

Here’s a strange phenomenon in the DC area: the non-black here people love hiphop (esp. non-black, non-white people), yet the vast majority of the places where the best hiphop DJs spin are labeled ‘black clubs’ and are therefore rarely frequented by these non-blacks who claim to enjoy the music.

h2o.jpg

Figure 1: Asians fear this like blacks fear diabetes

Black clubs are the only clubs in this area that are segregated by race*. All the other clubs are pretty well mixed: you’ll find whites, asians, indians, persians, hispanics, arabs, and even a few black people (usually men that are chasing after asian or white women) all in the same place.

*Notwithstanding the exception of a few Irish bars featuring extremely loud music and unwashed frat boys that, as far as I can tell, only other unwashed frat boys and the white women who love them can stand.

douchebag.jpg

Figure 2: ……

There is a common thread that runs through all the mixed clubs:

The music is uncompromisingly atrocious.

The DJ is always, without fail, an asian/white/persian dude with a motherfucking iPod or two, an overly complicated computer-based mechanism for managing the tracks, and no clue at all how to mix or, in some cases, what mixing even is.

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Figure 3: Completely ridiculous

The fucker will play moderately acceptable hiphop tracks for awhile, which the entire crowd will dance enthusiastically to. Then, without fail, he’ll start oscillating between god-awful southern hiphop and utterly undanceable shit by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts. If you go to a mixed club in DC, you’ll spend 50%+ of your night listening to this crap.

When Joan Jett and the southern hiphop starts, every non-white person in the room stops dancing** and adopts a determined scowl that would make Clint Eastwood proud. They complain to one another “this DJ sucks!” and “I can’t believe they’re playing this music!” But I ask…why can’t you believe it? Mixed clubs play the same music and feature the same DJs week in and week out, and you keep returning to these clubs week in and week out. They play shitty music and you keep coming back, so naturally any club owner will assume that you’re coming back because you like what you hear.

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Figure 4: Hates Joan Jett, yet can’t stay away

**White people LOVE Joan Jett, especially that song “I Love Rock N’ Roll”. Many white people are actually excluded from the subtle racism addressed in the article because a.) you WILL find white people at black clubs and b.) since white people love Joan Jett, they aren’t just attending clubs that play her music to avoid black people.

The subtle racism lies in the reason these people keep returning to mixed clubs in spite of their shittyness: they’re avoiding the black people at places where good music is played.

Let’s face facts - most people have the preconception that black people become extremely violent in clubs. It’s ironic, because I’ve seen countless fights break out at mixed clubs, and not one fight at a black club. This stereotype can be blamed partly on an age-old racial subtext and unfair media practices, and partly on DMX in the movie “Romeo Must Die” (who brandished a machine gun and ordered anyone who isn’t black to get out of his club. I’m pretty sure non-blacks think this is a regular occurrence at black clubs, kinda like last call.)

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Figure 5: Thanks, asshole

As such, this racist fear of black people keeps non-blacks out of black clubs and away from good music - and no one in these non-black circles wants to be the first to suggest a trip to H2O or Zanzibar because, while ‘tolerance’ is a good thing, it’s not cool yet to be a nigger lover.

Of course, no one will ever admit this. God bless America.