Europe
28 03 2008Black people hate Europe because yuppie white people claim to love it so much, yet they refuse to live there instead of fucking up our neighborhoods.
Figure 1: Just fucking move there already. I’ll help you pack!
What the hell is the deal with hipster white dudes and fucking goddamn Europe? I’ve heard them praise everything from the ‘ancientness’ of the cities, to better social programs and government, less crime, more attractive women and more charming men, and (my personal favorite) the ‘culture’.
This last one cracks me up because of the irony of it all. There’s nothing funnier than a white dude of mixed Anglo-Russian descent traveling to Prague to reconnect with his ‘roots’. This is almost as funny as black dudes in the US reconnecting with the past by visiting Ethiopia* even though their slave ancestors came from the Ivory Coast.
I suppose black folks are biased. For white people, Europe conjures up images of centuries old churches, tapas on open plazas, cobblestone streets, pristine evergreen forests, boutique wines, and quaint old villages. For me it conjures up images of this, this, this, this, this, and especially this. White people may pretend otherwise, but deep down they know Europe SUCKS, and that’s why they won’t live there. Europe sucks so fucking hard they’d rather live smack in the middle of American ghettos than in Lisbon**.
Figure 2: Me telling Portugal where we stand
Here are some of the things that suck, with teeth and dry tongue, about various European countries:
- Spain: pickpockets, pickpockets, and more pickpockets.
- France: Socialism. Ew.
- England: bad teeth, bad food, and the constant threat of rain. And Hugh Grant
- Czech Republic: they will throw you out a window, and they will not give a fuck
- Portugal: a country full of dudes whining about their lost empire
- Italy: the mob is their fault
- Germany: Too easy.
- Netherlands: for some reason, the Dutch have declared war on Islam
Europe does have one thing going for it though - they know exactly how to treat their children:
Figure 3: Child-rearing in Madrid
*Ethopia is Prague for black people
**That, and weak European economies aren’t able to absorb skill-less immigrants with useless degrees who are unable/unwilling to work with their hands
Chris, Nice picture man. That is priceless.
What is UP with Spain? Everyone I’ve known who’s gone there has either been a) robbed or b) consistently short changed [or attempted] by EVERY vendor they have encountered….no really.
Surprised you only mentioned socialism w/ the French; they are also rude…which come to think of it, isn’t very social. wtf?
ROTFLOL!! Thank you for breaking it down. Have no desire to go even moreso from your razor sharp commentary.
Nah man I was born in London. Mad niggerish people hate Europe and haven’t even been there. But hey whatever floats ya boat, I’m not tryna spend my entire life in the US. I lived the majority of my life in London so I got love for it, my family is over there still
- http://www.anythingblack.wordpress.com
“Italy- The Mob is their fault”
BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!
LOL. So true. I was the only person in my French courses who wasn’t lusting after Europe. (Then again, I was the only Black person in class). I wanted to visit the French-speaking African countries. People just looked at me like, “Why?”
Europe is a rite of passage for some people. I have friends of all races who after graduating college went to various places in Europe, stayed at some hostels, ate food and had no clue what it was, hitched rides from strangers, etc; and came back raving about how it was the best experience. FYI, i could do all that shit here, I don’t need to go somewhere where i don’t speak the language to find myself and have a good time… waste of moeny if you ask me.
I love that you love wikipedia as much as I do.
“*Ethopia is Prague for black people
**That, and weak European economies aren’t able to absorb skill-less immigrants with useless degrees who are unable/unwilling to work with their hands”
hahahaaa, nice!
Well hell I was gonna try to take a trip there for my big 25th…so what the fuck am I gonna do now Chris huh? huh?
What country have you been to that was hotshit, I’d love to know…cause I need to plan this trip
I’m a “military brat” who grew up in Germany (West side!), for real like from the time I was 5 and left when I was 12. I have to say, that was the fuckin coolest place I’ve ever lived in my LIFE! Aren’t there Nazis? Nope, at least where we were they LOVED Black people, like would stop my mom every few feet to stare at us, smile and coo in German about how cute the “kleine madchen” were. Honestly, they were way more rude to White Americans than Black people, they LOVE us!
So I personally got love for Europe, mainly because of being more artistic minded, and I would like to ask Chris what he thinks of all the expat Blacks (Jo Baker, James Baldwin, etc) who left this country and went over there to be treated better, what of it, good sir? 
Haha, see figure 2.
I have mixed feelings about ze Germans cooing over black people, because I envision it the same way I envision white/asian people who coo over me in my dance regalia when I’m dancing at powwows: they’re happy to point and ooh and aah and take their first picture with a ‘real live Injun’ - but let their daughters talk to me a little too long, and they turn racist real quick fast and in a hurry. All I am to them now is Donkey Dick Darkie who’s gonna plug little Peggy Sue’s fun-hole in a backhanded attempt to claim reparations for manifest destiny and slavery.
But If ze Germans are cool with interracial dating, then hey, I won’t hate
LoL, I love this post even though I love France… Mainly because every time I’ve been I’ve been amazed by the overwhelming assholery (especially from the family I go to visit) and I kind of appreciate people who just don’t give a fuck. Sometimes I think I should have learned French so I can go live somewhere they just don’t give a fuck.
that is a pimp way to take one’s kid for a stroll in their stroller…
Germans really like bLACK PEOPLE HAHHA…Heidi Klum - Seal. One of my friends told me her Uncle went to Germany and never came back
- http://www.anythingblack.wordpress.com
Phew.
I keep expecting that one of these days I’m going to read one of your blog posts and just fall in love with you. I almost thought this one was it! I was so worried, especially after the killer Portugal picture.
Then you talked shit on France and socialism. All I gotta say is that they have 5 weeks paid vacation standard and pay for your health care no matter what. Yeah, I’m on French Socialism’s jock.
So you barely made it this time, SBPH. But keep up this trend of being hilarious and on point and I may join your legions of adoring female fans.
First I love this site.. But this one I disagree with. Like SoCalGal420 I am also a military brat. My mom is Jamaican and moved to London when she was 12. Anywho I was born in London and have been back several times. I have also lived in Germany, yes off of the base and have nothing but wonderful memories. And this was back in the 80’s! lol. Late 80’s I might add cause a sista ain’t too old. lol So anyways I don’t love Europe but I don’t hate it either. The place I did hate was Mexico. We went to cozumel and all the vendors kept hollering hey soul sista, hey black princess..Um?! Are we in the 70’s?! Oh I also have to add that Europeans tend to hate WHITE Americans.. Go figure
I had some brownies (wink wink) right before leaving Amsterdam, you know the special one’s. Purchased at 8:30 in the morning, Love Amsterdam. Made that 100 hour flight home quite fantastic. I got down right philosophical at some points, shoulda had a tape recorder. Europe has its up side.
I’ve only been to Switzerland and Germany… and quite frankly, I was treated very well by the locals. Of course I was only there for a week and the grass always seems better on the other side… doesn’t it?
I’ve heard that the French enjoy American Blacks… while all of Europe detests American Whites.
Its too expensive to go to Europe right now… so unless I’m sent there on business, the Admiral will be staying local.
So Amsterdam it is!
I guess…
no you didn’t…
i have a sense of humour and can see the funny side - some bits are hilarious..
and it is raining here in london with more to come… (my teeth are perfect and i do love me a steak and ale pie thanks very much..)
btw.. spain and much of europe hates black people because they cannot get over that the best part of their history is black… (and the main reason why black people + love of christian church doesn’t sit well with me…
http://www.xmission.com/~dderhak/index/moors.htm
and european history is where white people have to go to to get anything written before columbus… (only your archaeologists care about the indigenous peoples there then..)
Damn. I guess my trip to Slovkia is out then…
lol
oh please, I did Europe and it was cute, no one gave me any shit, I was just waiting for someone to say something foolish to me so I could go off . . . old buildings, lots of history, gangly men giving you the “i wanna fuck you savage strange woman” vastly overrated!
If you want to go somewhere fab, go to Southeast Asia. I traveled for 6 months from Thailand, Singapore, Indonesia (can’t do all the islands but it was over!), Malyasia, Vietnam. Great food, fabulous weather, amazing beaches. All the tourist traps everyone experiences, but the warmth an beauty just cancelled out the white folks, yep they were everywhere.
The French and Germans do enjoy American blacks, because after World War II the majority of Soldiers liberating/rebuilding French towns and cities were the black units - the white units were too busy going home and parading through Times Square.
Another country in Europe whose young women are enamored with blacks is Romania - the only difference here is that old-country Romanian parents are racist to the core.
I lived in Germany (Augsburg) as a child and would have to agree with SoCalGal that the Germans LOVE Black Americans. I visited Spain for my HS senior trip and was acosted by a local, so although its a beautiful country, my image of it is marred a bit.
I would like to go back to Europe though.
LOL @ Figure 2!
y’all aren’t lying, i found the french and germans to be very friendly, the spanish are assholes and were truly trying to correct my spanish, yeah motherfuckers we learned it the hard way with a bayonette up our ass and the catholic church ramming a bible down our throats, y’all left the language behind and we tweaked and made it our own.They conveniently forget that those rapists and conquerers in their families share common ancestry with us, we aren’t there to claim them, just visiting. When you visit other countries in Latin America you bond with other people over how cool it is to say things in other ways, the Spanish aren’t having it those pompous conquistador pricks.
I’d live in Europe over American any day
While I’m not sure what country “American” is, it must really suck if you’d rather live in Europe than there…you can always come to America too - it’s not so bad here.
Dude, interesting post, but who are these blk folk you keep referring to? I’ve been to most of the countries on your list and have even lived in Switzerland for years and blk folk live rather comfortably in all. BTW, French & Swiss men LOVE them some blk girls! so ha ha.lol
Interesting post nontheless…
I LOVE THIS POST! IT IS SOOOO TRUE! I am a 24 year old black woman and I have been living in Germany for the past 2 years, not by choice. I am in the military. I hate Europe, there aren’t any malls, the US dollar holds no value here and there aren’t any black folks around here. But, the white people I work with love it, they always talk about the castles and wine probes they go to on the weekends. I’m not into walkin thru some cold ass castles and looking at old ass churches. I don’t know why white people love it here so much because Europeans damn sho don’t like white folks, they just see them as rude tourists and dumb ass Americans. But white folks will sell their soul to the devil to trade places with me so they could live here.
I’ve had a somewhat different experience from visiting Europe (not living there). I didn’t get the impression that Europeans “hate” Americans, however, there is a fine line. If you are polite and respectful, and at least attempt the language, Europeans really dig you (especially those in their 20’s, I’ve found). If you act they way they may expect touristy Americans to behave, e.g. an arrogant, fat assclown who doesn’t know shit about shit, wearing high socks and a fanny pack; then yeah, you probably won’t be received well. I do agree with what was said above that countries such as France, Germany, and Romania are very interested in black people, specifically American black people. It appearsat times to be more of a superficial interest, but I couldn’t really say for sure, since I’m not from there.
I agree with FilthyAmerican. The reason they hate White Americans is because they are arrogant and go over there to visit and act like they are so much better. I always cringe whenever I am visiting another country and there is an ignorant American around. No matter the color. But White Americans tend to take it to a whole other level. Especially the older ones! lol. (Don’t get me started on cruises!) Being that the dollar is now worth practically nothing perhaps the old folks will start to behave properly when visiting European countries. lol.
Ha! Thanks Chris, and to everyone else who replied so hilariously; the chick talking about us learning Spanish b/c “bayonettes were forced up our asses” and Bibles down our throats was priceless! And actually, thanks girl b/c now I know to take the “Mexican” I learned (SoCal public schools ya’ll) and go to Puerto Rico, they seem nicer anyway.
In response to Chris: I feel what you’re saying about that, and to me that’s how Indian (from India, sir!) people act; they’ll be all smiles watching my Black ass dance to bhangra or belly dancing, but to date one of their sons? Sheeee-iiiit! And this has already happened to me: my b/f in college was South indian, meaning darker than my Black ass, Christian LIKE ME, and we met AT COLLEGE, and still, they saw a “nigger” and when they met me acted like I wasn’t even sitting at the table with them eating, like they looked through me, not at me. His brother? MARRIED a WHITE chick he met ON THE INTERNET who was “white trash” by her own admission after only talking to her like 6 months; SHE was allowed to LIVE with his mom and dad, I had to SNEAK over when they were working and we were like 21 and shit! It’s weird how other “Brown people” are so shitty to each other, yet Europeans (and white Americans) are so enamored with us all…
@SoCalGal: Wow. So true. Brown folks are shitty to each other. Good for you for trying, don’t change. Don’t get me started on how Indians are shitty to black people, I went to school with those lovely people AND our next door neighbors are an Indian family. The stories I could share…
For what it’s worth, the only person that’s ever had the gall to call me a “dirty nigger” to my face was a fellow “brown person” - an Asian chick (possibly from the Phillipines. I’m still in shock over that…
Chris, you crazy man, where did you get that awful picture with the man dragging along the pram? You’re insane. The reason the French and German and Belgian men love black women is that there is this myth that gets passed around in Europe that Black people are hypersexualized, and they will do whatever it takes to get a taste of that…it’s true. DO NOT WANT, THANK YOU!
@ Ally,
I was about to say isn’t that the “rumor” about all black people that Europeans have heard?
Because it’s true.
One more thing, Black people love Amsterdam….GO GET HIGH!!!!
I don’t smoke weed tho 
- http://www.anythingblack.wordpress.com
this blog is spot-on. i can’t stop sharing the links w/ friends. i really think this blog is my favorite new discovery of 2008. keep it up!
Your post hit it on the head cuz Europe is kinda wack. I guess the ancient civilization thing and centuries of history is cool if you are into it and swashbuckling imperialists took over the world.
I’ve heard that the French enjoy American Blacks… while all of Europe detests American Whites.
So true - if you go to some of these clubs in Paris (I think most black French people live in Paris and the immediate suburbs), you’ll notice all the white girls in the black clubs. Kinda weird (and unnerving) to see how many black guys are going for the white chicks and not the sisters because these white girls are easy.
Dude, the post is funny, but Europe rocks for many reasons. SoCalGal420 is right about Germany and it is the same in Paris and probably all of France. And I notices a few shouts for Amsterdam, been there and it rocks. I am black and went to Paris, have a good friend who lives there. According to him they hate white Americans, and love black Americans. Almost every white American I know who went got treated like shit and hated it. I loved it.
The other thing is that if people didn’t have an international experience, somewhere they could visit to witness at least a modicum of culture, they’d less tolerant than they are now. As you said, I encourage them all to stay. In fact, you could help me pack brother, I’d go in a NY second (tried to think of someplace fast in Europe, couldn’t).
True that. I went to Belgium once and the only non-douchebags were the Moroccans. Europe is lame. I don’t love everything about my country (USA), but I’ll sure as shit take it over ‘oh-so-forward-thinking-but-hey-look-at-our-race-riots-and-yelling-”nigger”-
at-soccer-matches” Europe.
I’ve visited many European countries, many times (oh shit, does that mean I like it?!). My worst experience was in Spain. Before I visited on my own a couple of years ago, I recall that my high school’s Spanish club had to alter their itinerary for their annual trip to Spain. It seems they found it impossible to place the Black students for the weeklong homestay with Spanish families. Yep. All the families actually refused to take Black students. They ended up extending the roadtrip to 2 weeks instead.
My experience there was that the Spaniards were horribly rude, the food was terrible (they served soggy fries with EVERY meal I ordered there…wtf is up with no rice in Spain?! And then gonna lie and say they don’t have any rice when paella’s on the menu!!), and most people openly gaped at me like I was a circus attraction when I walked down the street. My travel companion suggested they probably didn’t encounter many Black Americans and were simply curious, but still…
I ok with the rest of Europe I guess, but I’m trying to see how I can get myself a photo in Spain like Chris in Portugal.
so freaking true…love the pic of you pissing on history hilarious!! looks liek some thing straight out of eurotrip!
I had a wonderful time in Spain and plan to return as soon as possible. As for the fries, are you sure those were fries? I think you must have eaten somewhere that catered to tourists.
Did you notice at all the number of black Portugese??? Be for real. I took the train out of Lisbon and it looked like North Philly. They have some of best graffiti though.
I love Europe…
LOL I love London, Prage and Paris! I absolutely enjoyed all the blah, blah, blah u explained Chris. Sorry. Guess my negro-card has to be revoked. lol
P.s. when I’m smart enough, I wanna marry u.
I enjoy this blog and I am not taking things too serious. So hopefully you don’t take me too serious too :-).
Americans are the most ignorant people when it comes to other countries. They don’t see the need to learn about our different cultures, not even consider to learn a second language. I think they like the fact that everywhere they travel in the US, everything is the same and looks the same. I am German and not exactly in love with my country, so it is not national pride speaking here. Travelling in Europe requires flexibility, each country has its own cultur and language. Which makes it so great, btw. And yes, I am proud that we have so many old castles, etc. Because this is history and you can see how people lived many, many centuries before.
You don’t have an “american” culture. You have what remains of the african and indian culture and was not destroyed by the white majority. And you have culture which was “imported” from Europe by the immigrants. But nothing, where Americans of all races would identify with.
So how can you say that Europe sucks, if you don’t have a clue?
I have been to the States many times and there are things I like and thngs I don’t. But I never say the country “sucks”. I respect the people. Although I won’t set a foot in your country again as long as Bush is still President :-).
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