Don’t get me wrong - black people love to eat, and buying food is one of the few activities in which we’re happy to spend a relatively large amount of money, especially if BBQ is involved. But the Yin to that Yang is this simple fact:
There is no venue in America more indicative of the plight of black people than the black grocery store.
I’m a spoiled motherfucker. After completing my 18 year sentence in southeast DC, I spent the next 7 years removed from the black grocery store. Between 18 - 21, I pretty much never shopped at all because I always ate at this godforsaken place. From 21 - 22, I lived near White Oak and was treated to grocery stores filled mostly with Hispanics*. From age 22 to the present, I bounced around in more affluent neighborhoods like Rockville and Germantown, and found myself shopping at goddamn Whole Foods and Harris Teeter**.
Then, about 2 months ago, I bought a condo in a neighborhood that’s in…transition - that is, a black neighborhood sprinkled with nervous-looking white people.
Figure 1: This happens on my street constantly
My reaction to re-entering the black grocery store after spending the last three years or so at Whole Foods was kinda like the reaction between really really cold water and really really hot oil (for those who don’t cook - it’s unexpected, loud, confusing, messy, and painful). My first trip to the local Safeway involved the following:
- Getting cursed out by the homeless dude who loiters in front of the store because, apparently, $5 is way below the unit price for the giant pile of absolutely fucking nothing he gave me in return for it. This was followed almost immediately by me being bowled over by…
- …a boy, about 12 years old, shoplifting two sacks of oranges and being chased by an elderly store manager. But at least he’ll be eating healthier than…
- …the 400+ lb man with a shopping cart OVERFLOWING with Hungry Man dinners (and nothing but Hungry Man dinners), as if his fat ass could possibly be Hungry or even remotely resembled a Man. Perhaps he eats because he’s depressed as a result of being married to…
- …the woman whose eyebrows were a.) drawn on with b.) a turquoise fucking pencil. She was, not surprisingly, the mother of…
- …the toddler who was screaming, I kid you not, “YALL NIGGAZ AIN’T SHIT!” to virtually anyone who got within six feet of him, including…
- …the 15 (?) year old girl who was dressed like a stripper named ‘Sable’ and kept asking me for my phone number. To get her off my case, I figured I’d busy myself by reading a magazine - so I look over at the mag aisle to be greeted by endless copies of…
- …’Guns ‘N Ammo’ magazine, conveniently located in the main grocery store of a neighborhood with a 30 year history of rampant gun violence.
Figure 2: (l to r) Before grocery shopping, after grocery shopping, and how I got over it***
I love my black people, but goddammit…I miss Whole Foods.
*Hispanic grocery stores, even in questionable neighborhoods, are remarkably immaculate.
**Every time you shop at Whole Foods, God kills a kitten. Or if He’s busy, this guy will.
***Yes, these are actual pictures of my goofy looking self
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