Beyonce

22 02 2008

Remember when Beyonce was black?

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Figure 1: Who the fuck is this?

I’m trying to figure out exactly when Beyonce morphed from one of the most beautiful black women in the country into a beautiful big-assed corn fed white girl. The best way to do this, of course, is to examine the history of her public images. Please examine Figures 2 and 3 below, which examine the increasing whiteness of Beyonce as a member of Destiny’s Child and as a soloist:

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Figure 2: The Inexplicable Whiteness of Beyonce – Destiny’s Child (click image for larger view)

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Figure 3: The Inexplicable Whiteness of Beyonce – Solo Career (click image for larger view)

Given these timelines and images, we can safely conclude that Beyonce turned into a white woman sometime between November 15, 2004 (the release date of ‘Destiny Fulfilled’) and October 25, 2005 (the release of ‘#1s’). But when exactly did that happen, and why?

After about 30 seconds of in-depth research, I found the one and only possible source for the answer: Jay-Z.

Shawn Carter, a.k.a. Jay-Z, was born on December 4, 1969 and was Beyonce’s secret and not-so-secret lover at the time of her Caucasiafication. This leads to a conclusion as Earth-shattering as any Da Vinci code revelation:

Beyonce became white on December 4, 2004 as a birthday present to Jay-Z.

Well God damn. To anyone who thinks that’s a good thing, just remember:

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Figure 4: Unacceptable





Subtle Racism

22 02 2008

Slavery has ended. Blacks got the right to vote. Jim Crow is over. The KKK is laughed at around the world. Lets not forget Affirmative Action. Whites, Asians, Indians, Hispanics, and everybody seems to have a black friend or two…maybe even one or two of their best friends are black.

And yet, everyone hates black people just as much as they ever have.

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Figure 1: Bullshit

I was driving to XS in Baltimore last night with two people I consider to be good friends of mine – Chi (a Chinese woman) and Rohit (an Indian – red dot, not feather – man). Two subjects came up during the trip that made my blood absolutely fucking boil:

1. Rohit asked Chi why Asian girls prefer to date white men. Her answer was refreshingly direct:

“Because white people are superior – throughout history they’ve been the dominant culture and have displayed their superiority on the world stage.”

Who knew that 600 years of manipulation and genocide would eventually earn the designation ‘superior’? Who also knew that it would be so effective as to make members of other races be racist FOR you? I sure as hell didn’t.

2. Rohit loves black women, and this is no secret to anyone. Yet, he won’t date them. Chi asks why that is. Rohit’s response:

“Because my mom would kill me. She’d prefer I date an Indian girl. It’d be OK to a lesser extent if I dated a white girl. Black girls are unacceptable to her, and it’s ironic, because her best friend is black.”

I’ll address each of these two comments in turn.

Chi’s comment wasn’t anything unexpected. The average Asian girl will give the disingenuous response that they prefer white guys because Asian guys are dorky and Asian girls are hot enough to do better (nevermind that one Asian girl pictured on the site has Frog Ass and the other can’t be more than 4’10″).

This, of course, leaves the door wide open to ask them “why not date black guys?”…but I tend not to do this because I can only get so angry before I start shooting people. If you do ask this question, though, the girl will invariably blame her parents, saying that dating a black person would be unacceptable to them – which is a half-truth, because the Asian girl hates black people just as much as her parents. That way, the Asian girl gets to BE a racist (acceptable) without having to BE CALLED a racist (unacceptable), while at the same time faulting their parents for being old fashioned (extremely acceptable).

On to Rohit’s comment.

Rohit’s mother is living proof that having black friends, even close black friends, does not mean you aren’t a racist. Instead, the criteria is this:

No matter what any of the circumstances are about you and your life, you are a racist if any one of the following are true:

  1. You have a problem with your children marrying/dating a person outside of their own race, unless that person is white
  2. You have a problem with yourself marrying/dating a person outside of your own race, unless that person is white

It’s that simple, and it’s also why I’ve labeled the title image of this post as ‘bullshit’. Ads and other crap celebrating diversity are shoved down our throats until our stomachs are sore. We routinely interact with and befriend members of other races. We’re polite to each other (usually…see Fig. 2), learn each others names, and even have thoughtful conversations with one another. Then we’re tricked into thinking that we’re enlightened because public displays of racism are no longer acceptable. But it means absolutely, positively fucking nothing…because when it comes down to it, the likelihood is that all but maybe one or two of the douchebags in Figure 1 would be ENRAGED if their children dated the children of the others.

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Figure 2: Reality

I’m actually forced to respect KKK members to some degree, because as racist as they are, at least with them you know where you stand. Seriously, what’s worse? Someone who’s racist against you outright and lets you know it, or someone who pretends not to hate you because it’s socially acceptable and makes them feel better about themselves? I’ll take an honest racist over a lying racist any fucking day of the week. I heard those Klansmen know how to fucking party.

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Figure 3: (l to r) Honest Racists, Lying Racists